What To Do When The Love Is Gone
Updated July 10, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Karen Devlin, LPC
When you first fall in love, it is hard to imagine that spark fizzling out. In the beginning, it seems like everything your significant other does is amazing. Unfortunately, the hard truth is that no matter how strong the emotions were, there is a chance they will disappear over time. If you are wondering what to do when the love is gone, here are some ideas.
Decide For Sure
Not every low point in the relationship means it is the end. Almost all couples go through phases where both parties do not connect like they used to. This can happen for many reasons, including stress, illness, and other obligations, but time tends to bring the relationship back together. If you see the following happening with you, it might mean the love is gone. If that is the case, you have a few different options.
You Are Indifferent
When love is gone, it is hard to be interested in your partner is doing or who they are. If you hardly know anything about their job, what they do in their free time, or their current likes and dislikes, and you do not care; you might have reached the end. People change over time, and that is part of what makes them interesting. If you do not see anything exciting or worthwhile about your partner, there is a problem.
You Only See The Bad
Do you find yourself complaining about your partner constantly? Do you get stuck thinking about how messy, negative, or unpleasant they are? If it seems like every good characteristic they had when you first met is gone, it is likely the love is too. They have either changed into someone you did not fall in love with or want something different. Either way, only noticing the bad things about them does not bode well.
You Live Separate Lives
Do you sleep in separate beds? Spend your downtime in different rooms? Go on trips or vacations without one another? These are signs the love has faded out, especially if there is no attempt at any intimacy. Although every relationship goes through periods where partners need their space, one where two people are fine existing in their own world does not have much to go on.
The Temptation To Cheat Exists (Or You Have Already Done So)
Do you find yourself wondering what a love life with someone else would feel like? Is there someone who has already caught your eye? Cheating is an extreme red flag that the love is gone. It is a sign you are ready to throw all respect out of the window for someone you once loved. No matter how unhappy you are in your relationship, solve the problem before it gets worse. There is always a better way to handle things than betrayal.
If The Love is Gone, But You Want To Fix Things…
If the signs that love is gone ring true to you, but you are not ready to give up, congratulations! There is a lot you can do to save your relationship. Be prepared to work through. It might be hard to hit the reset button when the relationship does not already have many lives. Here a few things you can try to reignite the flame.
The most important thing you can do is tell your partner about your feelings. You might learn they, too, feel the relationship slipping away. When you talk with your significant other, try to find a common goal that you both feel will save things. Maybe you will agree to spend more time together, be more intimate or respect one another more. Honesty is important during this conversation, even if it is hard. Although you are trying to repair something broken, you need to make sure you speak up for your needs.
Think about what your relationship was like when you started dating. What situations did you find yourself falling for your partner in? Did you travel a lot together? Did you have a certain hobby you enjoyed doing together?
Try to capture the fun from the early relationship. One of the easier ways to do this is to recreate your first or best dates together. By putting yourself in the shoes of your past self, you might unlock feelings you forgot you had.
Write Love Letters
Sometimes, it is hard to connect with your partner. In a struggling relationship, sitting down face to face to talk can result in an all-out verbal war. Instead of saving your thoughts for unpredictable in-person conversations, go out of your way to share what is on your mind via love letters.
Love letter challenges are fun and easy ways to spend time thinking about your partner. They are especially rewarding when both parties write to each other. Not only will you be able to catch a glimpse into your significant other's true thoughts about you, but you might also find yourself sharing things you should have told them long ago.
Go On A Couples Retreat
Think of a couples retreat like a vacation, only better. These romantic escapes offer opportunities to work on skills that create strong relationships like conflict management, communication, and intimacy. You will get personalized attention from a relationship expert and enjoy activities that help you and your partner bond, like hiking, sailing, or whale watching, depending on the location. Leaving everyday life behind can re-energize a tired relationship. The ability to focus on one another in a place that inspires romance can open new doors too.
Try Relationship Counseling
No matter how you try to save your relationship, working with a therapist is crucial. Relationship counseling is incredibly successful when two people want to stay together, despite their rough patches. Licensed therapists can help improve communication, resolve differences, and get partners to understand one another better.
If home life demands make visiting a therapist's office every week difficult, do not worry. With flexible online options, like ReGain, the counselors can come directly to you.
If the Love Is Gone And You Do Not Want To Fix Things…
There are many reasons why you might not want to fix things when the love is gone. Perhaps you and your partner agree it is for the best to go your separate ways. Or the current state of your relationship is too hard on you mentally or emotionally. No matter your reasons, there is a right way to go about separating.
If you have firmly decided that the lack of love means you want to end the relationship, you need to be honest with your partner. They might try to compromise or find ways to fix things, but you should not want them to change who they are if you are already 100% checked out.
This discussion will likely be extremely difficult. They may have questions for you that you do not want to answer. Stick to why you need to leave the relationship and not turn the conversation to all the wrong things. Remember, although you no longer love this person, you can still respect them.
Seek Individual Therapy
Leaving a relationship, especially if you have been together a long time, takes a toll mentally and emotionally, even if you want things to come to an end. Starting a new chapter in life comes with many stressors, and it is important to handle the new-found changes in a healthy way.
Even if you are not feeling strong emotions of anxiety or depression about your split, speak with a licensed mental health professional. They will help you get through the challenges, and you might find information about yourself that you can use for future relationships.
End It Peacefully
If the end of your relationship means you must move out of the same home, divide your finances, or divorce one another, do so amicably (especially if there are children). Although the two of you could not make the relationship work, there is no reason everyone affected by the split cannot be treated with care.
Divorce can have a major impact on children. If parents are constantly fighting over resources or talking poorly about one another, it affects their mental health. If the love has faded from your relationship, make sure your children know that it does not mean you love them anymore. Your split will have more of an effect on them if you let your anger play out publicly.
Love can leave a relationship for many reasons. In some cases, it can return; in others, not so. Before you make any life-altering decisions, please stop and think about whether your relationship can survive its current slump. If it can, take immediate steps to reignite the flame. If not, take care of yourself and those around you during the transitions that will come. Always speak with a licensed mental health professional for the most success regardless of the path you take.
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