What To Do When You’re In Love With A Married Woman

By ReGain Editorial Team|Updated June 23, 2022
“Unfortunately, we cannot control who our heart falls for. Make sure to be honest with yourself and them about your feelings. Make sure to stand up for what you deserve so that you do not stay in something if it is not going in a healthy direction.” - Ryan Smith, LPC, NCC

Falling in love feels magical. It’s also one of the most complex events in a human being’s life. The difficult journey involves maneuvering around countless expected norms. And sometimes, we catch feelings outside of those norms.

In most cases, falling in love with someone is a beautiful thing worth celebrating. But what happens when you’re in love with a married person? Can you make it work or should you avoid it at all costs? According to the experts, being infatuated with someone who’s married is a recipe for disaster.

How You Fell in Love with a Married Woman in the First Place

If you ask someone whether they planned to fall in love, most of them will say no. Growing fond of someone is a process and we don’t always see the roots. But trying to be with a married woman is unproductive, confusing, full of conflict, and deceitful at best.

Meanwhile, you probably knew all of this before you met the woman in question. However, you still observed different habits, behaviors, and responses that you admired. Forgetting she’s committed to someone else, you likely idealized your lives together if that other partner weren’t in the picture.

Over time, those unchecked ruminations can lead to infatuation, obsession, and even love. And while love comes in many forms, true affection is always respectful. So, do you really love her if you’re willing to complicate her life for your own gain? Chances are, you’re more in love with the idea than the person.

Even so, you may have already taken things to the next level. Perhaps you’ve gone on dates, kissed, or been intimate in secret. That’s a dangerous way to begin any relationship, and other people may lose their respect for you as a result. Being in love with someone else’s spouse is decidedly difficult. The better choice is to find a single person who has similar qualities.

TIPUse social media and localized apps to find new friends and distract yourself from unproductive thoughts or emotions.

Falling In Love With A Married Woman Can Be Complicated

The Best Apps for Meeting New People

Meeting new people can be hard, especially when your heart is broken. And longing for the company of someone specific makes socializing even more difficult. Regardless, your first step toward getting over a married woman is to surround yourself with like-minded people who are looking for love.

You don’t have to go out every night either. Not only is that wasteful and expensive but it’s also pointless. Besides, there’s an app for that. Based on a survey conducted by Cosmopolitan, these are the 10 safest and friendliest places to search for love from home:

  1. Wink
  2. Bumble BFF
  3. Peanut
  4. Meetup
  6. Friended
  7. Skout
  8. Twitch
  9. Nextdoor
  10. Hey! VINA

All of the apps are free to download and most of them cost nothing to use. However, you should read the bylines and review the user agreement before signing up for anything. And as always, practice vigilance and stay safe when interacting with people online.

How to Stop Loving a Woman Who Belongs to Someone Else

It’s not healthy to jump into a new relationship as soon as you have your heart broken. You must take time to heal, process thoughts and emotions, and determine better ways to pursue love. This is done in two steps: managing your emotions and addressing the issue.

Managing Your Emotions

Don’t deny your feelings just because you know they’re wrong. Instead, try to understand why you fell in love with this particular person. Focus on how their appearance and/or demeanor affects you. Then, decide that those affections can exist elsewhere if you’re willing to look. Next, do these five things:

#1. Understand That Your Needs Aren’t Being Met

Constantly desiring something that’s out of your reach can have a tremendous impact on your mental and emotional health. When your personal needs aren’t met, your self-esteem takes a nosedive. There’s a reason we feel great when we’re around supportive, uplifting people.

However, your needs become secondary to keeping feelings a secret when you fall in love with a married woman. Plus, you can’t ever have what you really want without disrupting lives and losing sleep. So, it’s better to go where you get fulfilled.

#2. Think of All the Stress It Causes and Could Cause

Secrecy and deception can be exhausting. But they’re both necessary elements when you’re in love with someone else’s spouse. It’s neither expected nor acceptable to let your feelings be known. That means you spend most of your time stressing out instead of enjoying life.

Consider what might happen if the news ever got out. Your beloved could feel singled out, guilty, and ashamed. The other spouse may feel berated and betrayed, even if you’ve never acted on your impulses. If you’re not in the business of losing good friends, step aside.

#3. Put Your Feelings into Perspective

Ask yourself this question: Is it possible that I’m in love because I’m feeling lonely? Now, ask yourself another question: Have I accidentally idolized this person in any way? If you’re enamored because of loneliness or infatuated beyond seeing flaws, think again. Love is not as blind as you think.

Being in love with the idea of being in love is a slippery slope. You might find yourself accepting unfair or unfavorable circumstances in the blind pursuit of romance. Plus, some of what you’re feeling could stem from an underlying mental health condition. So, try to consider things more objectively.

#4. Define Your Ideal Relationship Elsewhere

If you could have it your way, how would your perfect relationship look? Do you have a type? An ideal partnership? A love story that you want to recreate? Understand you can’t define what’s not available to you. Besides, a perfect union never starts with deception.

Think about what qualities you prefer in a partner. Perhaps even consider the parts of your secret crush that are most attractive. Use those thoughts as inspiration for a healthier relationship. Since you can’t have the woman you’re in love with, find a version of your own – tailormade.

#5. Pursue a More Attainable Love Affair

Did you know that some people self-sabotage by looking for love in all the wrong places? In fact, always being drawn to emotionally unavailable partners may be a sign of mental illness. Put simply, there could be a subconscious psychological reason why you’re feeling this way about a married person.

Instead of pining over what you can’t have and shouldn’t pursue, direct your effects towards more attainable relationships. Connect with people who have similar interests and goals. Figure out if/why you’re attracted to emotionally closed-off partners and work to bond with others through vulnerability.

Managing your emotions is a key part of redirecting your broken heart. Realizing that your love is improper and/or unrequited can sting. But addressing the issue head-on is the best way to feel better and fall in love with someone who’s right for you.

TIPJoin a support group to learn and develop better social skills or meet like-minded people.  

Falling In Love With A Married Woman Can Be Complicated

Addressing the Issue

You’ve done the work and figured out why you fell in love with someone who’s married. Now what? Set your sights on the future and take steps to guard your heart. Here’s where to start:

#1. Create Some Distance

It’s not easy to fall out of love with someone, especially when you’re not ready. So, create some space between you and your married crush. That way, you’ll have plenty of time for introspection and healing. You’ll also reduce temptation and allow distance to do its magic.

When you get asked to hang out, kindly decline. If you get a text or phone call, take a moment to reflect before responding. Decide how close or far you need to be to feel less in love. Then, make it your new lifestyle until the feelings are gone.

#2. Set Up Your Boundaries

Protect yourself after putting in so much effort to move on. Your heart may be in a delicate place right now, so giving in to temptation is counterproductive. Determine what you will and won’t allow anymore. Perhaps begin with not being in the same room alone with someone else’s spouse.

Avoid suggestive or inappropriate conversations and joking. Keep things congenial but also casual. Try not to step over any lines that may lead to something flirty or romantic. And if the other person opens the door kindly close it with a friendly refusal, citing your respect for their relationship as the primary reason.

#3. Be Accountable to Your Future Self

There’s someone special out there waiting for you. And you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for who you must pretend to be. Carrying on a relationship with someone who’s married prevents you from finding a partner who can love you in return. It delays your future happiness.

Your future self would probably appreciate not having to wait for true love. You essentially prevent meaningful connections from taking place when you pursue unhealthy bonds. By staying attached to a relationship that’s not going anywhere, you keep yourself closed off. Be accountable to yourself and open up.

Part of addressing the issue of being in love with someone who’s married is knowing the difference between true love and infatuation. So, learn how to tell the two concepts apart. And speak to a licensed mental health counselor if you need help.

The Difference Between Loving Someone and Being in Love

Did you know that loving someone and being in love with them are two different things? Love is often about attaining and/or maintaining ownership. But being in love is more about attaining and maintaining a partnership. Here are five more ways to tell the difference:

  1. Loving someone is a choice but being in love is uncontrollable.
  2. To love someone means to wish them well, but to be in love with them means making their wellness your priority.
  3. Many feelings of love are fleeting but being in love is eternal.
  4. Loving someone means wanting them near but being in love means wanting them where they’re happy.
  5. Being in love is about how you make the other person feel, while love is about how the other person makes you feel.

If you’re truly in love with this married person, then you’d be happy to let them live without you. Your involvement in the picture may rob them of peace, and it could steal much of yours as well. So, you’d both be better off staying plutonic.

Help! I’m Only Attracted to Married Women

Creating and maintaining a plutonic relationship with someone you’re attracted to is tough. But there may be a reason why you’re feeling this way. People who are primarily attracted to married individuals may or may not have one of these underlying issues going on:

  • Addiction – You can be addicted to a person as much as a drug. Plus, you can become dependent upon the thrill of the chase.
  • Conquering – The impulse to conquer or claim something that isn’t yours may be to blame. This whole thing could be little more than an internal power struggle.
  • Control – Feeling out of control may cause you to try desperate measures. You may even start to fantasize about virtually impossible circumstances or set impossible goals.
  • Self-Esteem – Being about to pull off the impossible may make you feel invincible. If you have a low self-esteem, convincing someone to love you back is a major boost.

By the way, some unknown signs of a low self-image may surprise you. They include social withdraw, sensitivity to criticism, obsession over personal problems, and an attraction to emotionally unavailable people. If you feel anxious, depressed, or bad about yourself – even if it has nothing to do with your relationship status – see a therapist immediately.

In the Rare Case That a Married Woman Loves You Back

In the unlikely event that your married crush loves you back, there’s some serious work to do. It may not be wise to just come out and talk about your feelings. There are other people involved, including children, in-laws, and mutual friends. Be mindful of the complexities.

Seek help from a certified marriage counselor if you’re unsure what to do. These things do happen occasionally, so it’s important to find support for your mental and emotional wellbeing. The situation may not turn out the way either one of you expected, after all.

How to Heal Your Heart and Find True Love

Stop sniffing around someone else’s tree. Respect the fact that this could be a teachable moment in your life. And seek professional help if you can’t get over the relationship or if your emotions are causing problems in your life. You don’t have to feel this way forever.

ReGain relationship therapists understand what’s it’s like to deal with unrequited love and difficult situations. They can guide you to healthier coping mechanisms, introduce you to more fulfilling social options, and help you gain some perspective. So, heal your heart, rethink your approach, and find true love sooner.

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