Quest For Love: Why Can't I Find Love?

Updated April 19, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Karen Devlin, LPC


Love is like a journey or a quest. For those who want to find love, the journey may be a short one, a pilgrimage that lasts a good while, or a quest that never seems to end. If you haven't found your love yet, you may wonder why.

There are many reasons why finding love can be difficult for some. Everyone has a different situation, but there are a few common traits that many failed love ventures have. In this post, we'll look at a few common reasons why you're having trouble finishing your quest.

You Are Too Picky

When searching for love, you should not settle for someone you don't love or settle for anything less. You're more worth it than that, and a fake love is worse than being single altogether.

However, the opposite can happen as well, where you're just too picky for your good. You may reject someone completely if their height and weight are slightly off to what you envisioned. You'll reject someone if their tastes in music aren't the same as yours. You may stop the date if you find out they don't make six figures.

Many people have a list of their perfect mates, and you can compare it to a job posting. A job posting tends to be unrealistic when it comes to the ideal employee. They may want someone with more experience than the job is worth, who can work an extremely flexible schedule, and all for pay isn't worth it. However, the job soon settles for an employee who meets the best qualifications, and you should think this way with your potential.

No one is going to match the vision you have for the perfect love perfectly. Instead, you're going to be turning around some great people, many of whom have imperfections you can fix down the road, just because you're a little too picky for your good.


Write down the main things you want in a partner, and then find one who shares those qualities.

You're Attracting The Wrong People

Imagine that the people you attract should be the most likely to be a good fit for you. However, this is not the case in many situations. Sometimes, you may be a dirt magnet, attracting only the worst kinds of people. If you've had many failed relationships, and you know it's mostly the fault of the other party, think about why they're all attracted to you and why you were attracted to them. Is there a way you can change yourself so you attract better people?

You're Coming Off Too Strong

The way the world works is weird. You think that if you try hard to achieve what you're looking for, then you'll get it. However, sometimes, you may need to dial it back a little, especially for love. No one likes someone who acts desperate or tries too hard to impress. When dating someone, act yourself and be natural. When dating, don't sound like you need a date ASAP. This will turn people off.

You're Using The Wrong Dating Sites

Dating sites have their fair share of problems. For example, they tend to be a bit troublesome due to the gender imbalance. If you're a male seeking a female, you have too much competition, and it can be hard to stand higher than everyone else. For the opposite, you have to deal with dozens of messages from men who don't know manners, and it can make you jaded.

If the dating site you're on isn't working out too well, why not try another site? There are plenty of dating sites centered around a certain niche or hobby, making the pool shallower, which can be good in this situation.

You're Not Looking Locally

Sometimes, your love can be just under your nose. We may believe we no longer have to look in local places with the Internet, but they still have their uses. Try going to a place locally that is centered around something you love. For example, if you love music, try talking to people in a record shop. If you're a bookworm, try the library.

You're Looking Too Locally


On the other hand, some people only try to date in the range that's closest to them. While it can be convenient to date someone close, you're limiting yourself. If you're a black sheep in your town, it can be hard to find someone who is just like you and your love, maybe a few towns or states over. While a long-distance relationship can be rough at first, it can pay off at the very end.

You're Not Confident Enough

You don't have to Mr. or Mrs. Personality to have a date, but if you're always down when it comes to your appearance or looks, then you are going to turn off plenty of people. Few people like to talk to someone who is always upset about their appearance, so why not be more confident about yourself? If you don't like something about your appearance, try changing it—practice confidence techniques, such as being charismatic and learning to love yourself. As we said, you don't need to be confident all the time, but a little goes a long way.

You Need to Work On Yourself Before You Find Love

Some believe that once they find love, their problems will go away. While there may be problems that love can fix, many of them won't go away just because you have a partner. Often, you should work on your problems before you find love—for example, the whole confidence issue. You're not going to become more confident just because you found love.

You Are Hung Up On Your Last Relationship

If you just got out of a big relationship, it may not be time for you to find love again. Sometimes, you're still grieving over your last breakup, even if you don't realize it. If you're trying to find someone who matches your previous relationship, don't do it. Instead, give yourself some space and date again when you're ready.

There's Always a Goal Used as an Excuse


On the other hand, some people use themselves to reason why they can't find love. When you're in college, you say you will find love once you graduate. When you graduate, you'll find love once you find a job. When you find a job, you'll find love as soon as you make enough money to buy a home, and soon you're old and forgot to find love. Always work to improve yourself, but don't distract yourself too much.

You're Not Yourself

You do change how you behave depending on the situation. You're probably not going to talk to your grandma the same way you talk to your friends at the bar. However, when you're trying to date someone, they may be spending the rest of their lives with you. If you are changing yourself entirely to please someone, are you going to put on an act forever? The thought of that makes one wince a little bit.

The truth is that you need to find someone who you can be yourself around. Being around someone who likes only a fabricated version of you won't work out. At some point, you'll grow tired of it or slowly become yourself and turn off your partner.

Some People Don't Need Love

Love is something our society has told us that we must have. We must find the one who is right for us and live happily ever after. And don't get us wrong; love can be an amazing experience. However, there are some whose lifestyles are centered around the single life. Some like to date casually, but things don't work out whenever it gets serious.

Look at yourself. Do you want love, or is it pressure? If you want to find love, awesome. If it turns out that you're trying to find love out of some form of obligation, then perhaps live your own life.

Other Reasons

These are just a list of reasons that could apply to you, but we don't know your situation. It could be a different reason entirely, and one that you may need to talk to someone about to learn more. In cases like these….

Seek Help!


Suppose you're having trouble finding love and don't know why then talk to a relationship counselor for advice. The reason why it's hard for you to find love might be so simple that you're stunned how you didn't notice it, or it can be more complex than you think. There may be something in the past that makes it hard for you to date, and a therapist can teach you coping skills to help you overcome that.

Your quest for love can be hard, but you can finish it.

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