The Ongoing Quest For Love: Why Can't I Find Love?

We all have different experiences in life, and there is no exception to this when it comes to love. Love isn’t a priority for everyone, but circumstances vary even among those who wish for love or see relationships as a priority. For some people, the process of finding love may be short, and for others, it may feel like a quest that never seems to end. You may be someone who has been in love before, or you might be hoping to fall in love for the first time. Either way, if you’re on a quest for love and haven’t found it, you might wonder why.

There are many reasons why finding love can be difficult sometimes. In this article, we’ll look at a few common possible reasons why one might have trouble on a quest for love, and what to do about it.

“Why can’t I find love?”: Possible reasons for not finding love

These are by no means the only reasons why a person may not have found love yet. Every situation is unique, just like every person in every relationship is unique. But for a few common possible reasons, read on: 

Having unrealistic expectations

When searching for love, it’s important to find someone you genuinely care about, but with that in mind, realistic expectations are also important. If you find yourself trying to create the “perfect” partner in your head or find yourself projecting those ideas onto potential mates, it may be time to take a step back. Humans are complex and imperfect, and love is not about finding someone who is exactly what you want them to be all of the time. It’s something that develops naturally between two unique people who will likely, at some point, have differences. Are your expectations fair to put on another person? If not, where is that coming from?

If you find that you’re extra picky, it could be that you aren’t thinking about what you want deep down, but are instead focusing on less important things. Think about the qualities that matter most to you in a partner. For instance, you may realize that you care less about the color of their hair and more about honesty, emotional availability, and compatible life goals (for example, having a family one day or living child-free). Ask yourself what’s really important to you. 

Pursuing the wrong people

Many times, we may assume that if we’re interested in dating someone, it’s because we see them as a good match romantically. Many of us don’t even question, however, if that’s true or not. For instance, you might ask yourself if you are pursuing emotionally unavailable people. What about people who have desires or personalities that aren’t compatible with yours?

You may want to dig in and investigate the possible dynamics beneath these tendencies; for example, maybe there’s a possibility that you’re falling for unavailable or incompatible people because you’re afraid of being hurt. As you do this internal reflection, you may uncover thoughts and fears that you need to address that are affecting your dating life. Then, you can think about what you really want and start making choices based on that.

Looking in the wrong places

There are many different ways to meet people these days, both in person and online. If the dating site you’re on isn’t working out too well, why not try another site? Plenty of dating websites and apps are designed with specific groups in mind. Don’t be afraid to try a few sites or apps to see which ones might be a better fit. Some apps and websites, for example, are geared toward those seeking casual connections and hookups, where others are geared toward those seeking ongoing romantic relationships or connections. Both can serve a purpose; it’s about putting yourself in a spot where you’re more likely to find what you’re looking for.

You might also consider if there are other ways you can meet people in person. Try going to a place near you that is centered around something you love. For example, if you love music, try talking to people in a record shop. If you’re a bookworm, try the library. If you love sports, you could join a soccer team. 

Being hung up on a previous relationship

In some cases, it could also be possible that you are not actually ready to find love because you are still thinking about an old relationship. If you just got out of a big relationship and are still hung up on your ex, it may not be time for you to find love again quite yet. 

Instead, it may help to give yourself some space and focus on yourself. That way, if someone does happen to come into your life, you’ll have been focused on healing, which will benefit both you as an individual and the new partnership. By focusing on yourself, you can avoid using someone as a rebound, and you can avoid insecurities from your last relationship or breakup seeping into the new one. You can also allow yourself to be more present emotionally with this new person, rather than holding onto feelings for an ex.

It’s not a priority right now

Not everyone longs for a serious romantic relationship at all times, if ever. Some people may prefer being single or dating casually for long stretches of time. Some people may prefer to focus on other interests, life goals, career aspirations, and other things. Know that it’s okay if you don’t want a relationship, whether that is at all or just for now. It’s also okay to date casually, as long as your dates know that that’s what you want.

Do you want love, or is it pressure? If it turns out that you’re trying to find love out of some form of obligation or due to expectations from others, remember that you can allow yourself to focus on life outside of relationships. Every situation is different, but know it’s perfectly fine if love is not what you want right now.

“Why can’t I find love?”: The role of chance

This possible reason is something that can be frustrating to acknowledge, but sometimes, you just haven’t met the right person yet by chance. In many cases, luck and chance can play an important role in finding love—you just happen to meet the right person at the right time, and you both happen to be interested in each other. We can’t control everything, and sometimes, finding love can simply take patience. In this scenario, the best thing to do might be to continue working to be the best person you can be and keep putting yourself out there in a healthy, realistic, authentic fashion.

Seek help through therapy

If love—or the fear that you won’t find it—is something that causes you to stress, consider speaking with a mental health professional who can help. Talking with a therapist can also help you build and maintain healthy relationships, address concerns such as those related to past experiences, and so much more. In fact, research has found online therapy to be effective for improving both relationship and individual functioning. 

Things to consider when finding a therapist

When finding a therapist, it can be important to have someone who understands you, especially with it in mind that many things can affect love and relationships or make them differ from the relationships of those around you. If applicable, you may seek a culturally informed therapist, an LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist, a therapist who works with non-monogamous people, or look for something else that applies to you. For some people, it can be difficult to find a therapist who would be a good fit without having to make a long commute. With online therapy through Regain, you can match with and meet with your therapist wherever you have internet—no commute necessary.  

No matter how you find a provider, it can be valuable to have a professional on your side. Reach out to someone in your area or sign up for online therapy to start the process.