I Feel Like I Hate My Wife: What Should I Do?

Maybe you've been married to your wife for five years, or maybe you’ve been married for 25. No matter how long it’s been, sometimes, there may come a point where your feelings towards her seem to have shifted and the love you once felt has faded. Some marriages may even reach the point where you feel as though you might hate or resent your spouse. 

If you have found yourself feeling this way, what's next? Some couples might decide to throw in the towel and get divorced. Others might want to try to rekindle the love they once shared. But figuring out how to make a change if you’re feeling such negative things towards your spouse can be challenging. Here, we’ll offer a few suggestions for how to move forward.

What can you do if you feel this way?

If you are feeling like you hate your wife at this point, consider trying some of the suggestions below:

Dig into your feelings: Is it really hate?

To start, it may be helpful to try to dig in and really reflect on your feelings. Hate is a strong feeling. Is what you are feeling really hate? Can you pinpoint why you are feeling the way you do? What thoughts come up when you think about your wife? Are you angry at her for something specific, or is it a more general feeling? Try to really investigate your thoughts and emotions to get a clearer sense of what might be going on. You may find that you are actually feeling frustrated, overlooked, hurt, belittled, or something else besides pure hate. Discovering more about these thoughts and feelings may help you figure out how to move forward. 

Tell her you want to make changes in your marriage

After you’ve done some reflection on what you’re feeling, it may make sense to bring your concerns to your wife. This may depend on the situation and your relationship, but if, for example, you are feeling like she does not value your opinion, you may want to express that concern to her. Or if you feel like she is taking you for granted, you can express that to her. It is possible she may have her own concerns about the relationship, so you can use this as an opportunity to listen to each other’s perspectives and work together to try to figure out how to strengthen the relationship. That said, while honesty can be very important, it is likely not a good idea to tell her that you “hate” her—this is a very strong sentiment and can be very hurtful. Try to be mindful of her feelings as you express your concerns.

Try couples counseling

If you are grappling with intensely negative feelings toward your wife, it can be useful to seek additional support in navigating this situation to get at the root of the issue and find ways to address it. You can seek counseling on your own, or you can ask your wife to attend couples counseling with you. 

If your negative feelings toward your partner are very strong, you and your partner may prefer to take some physical time apart, while still hoping to work on the relationship. With online therapy through Regain, you and your partner can join the same therapy session from different locations, so you don’t have to be in the same physical place if you don’t want to. 

And, research has found online therapy to be an effective option for couples experiencing relationship distress. One such study concluded that an online couples therapy program was “effective in significantly improving both relationship and individual functioning.”

Plan more date nights

When you first started dating your wife, you likely went on dates regularly. It could have been a few nights a week or just once a week, but you likely both put forth effort in getting to know one another. It was exciting and new. However, over time, maybe life and other responsibilities have gotten in the way, leaving little time for romance. This can be a common occurrence in many relationships. 

It’s possible that some of your negative feelings toward your wife could stem from feeling disconnected from her and like there is little romance or intimacy in your relationship anymore. If this might be the case in your relationship, try to make an effort to plan more date nights. These don’t have to be extravagant events—you could even choose to do a date night at home—but putting in the intentional effort and focusing on each other may make a big difference. Allow yourselves to get to know each other again by dating each other. You might be surprised at the results.

Start a new hobby together

Have you found that the things you used to enjoy with your wife are no longer enjoyable? Maybe it was a hobby that you've grown out of or grew tired of. Maybe she lost interest in it, so you no longer have that connection. It could be that neither of you has time for it anymore. Whatever the case, starting a new hobby with your wife can create a space where you can connect over something different.

You might try hiking, dance classes, or start painting. If you are unsure of what hobby to start, you could try something new once or twice a month and see what sticks. One new hobby can open up several new doors for you. You might find yourself reading and discussing books on the topic, planning getaways to experience your new hobby in a new place, or expanding your knowledge together in various ways. By developing your new interests together, you might begin to feel closer and make strides in improving your marriage.

Consider making changes in yourself

If you are feeling very unhappy in your marriage, you may also consider turning your reflection inwards. In some cases, it may be worth asking yourself if there is perhaps some other internal reason why you might be feeling so negatively toward your wife. That said, it is important to note that this does not apply if you are in a relationship with a toxic or abusive partner. 

If you are experiencing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to help you with information and resources. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the NDVH online chat system.

Still don't know why you have negative feelings toward your wife?

However, if you are in a healthy relationship with a good partner, you may consider whether your negative feelings towards her could have some other explanation. For instance, are you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled in your work? Or, are you feeling down about yourself and perhaps taking it out on her? Are you feeling constantly stressed and on-edge, and you seem to snap at the slightest inconvenience? If any of these or similar concerns seem to be at play, you may want to consider how you can address them. You could try various self-care strategies such as meditation, yoga, and exercise; you could consider seeking out a more fulfilling career; and you could meet with a therapist individually to work through your concerns.

Takeaway

Relationships can go through highs and lows, and at some point, some people may feel that the love they once felt for their partner has been replaced with hate or resentment. If this is something you’re feeling, you can consider some of the suggestions above to help you move forward. For additional support with navigating relationship concerns, you can meet with a relationship counselor online.