How To Fix A Marriage When It Seems Lost

Updated March 25, 2024by Regain Editorial Team
Getty / Inside Creative House
Repairing a marriage can be difficult to do on your own

In just about any marriage, there will come a time where you will face conflict. You may even reach a point where you ask yourself whether you want to keep the marriage going. For some, the thought is fleeting. For others, the thought comes back again and again. If you are having issues within your marriage and are feeling as though the relationship could use some major help, take a look at the guide below to learn things that may help you fix a marriage when it seems lost.

When your marriage is struggling… should you fix it or not?

Many things can happen in the marriage that have the potential to make you think that it's just not going to work. Maybe the two of you have communication issues, or perhaps you spend more of your time fighting than you do talking to each other. Maybe you don't have the same opinions or views on things. No matter what the problems are, you must fix them before you can work on improving your marriage. If you don't fix them, you risk allowing these issues to continue damaging your relationship and adding to existing problems, which can be ending your marriage altogether. 

At this point, you have most likely reached a crossroads in your marriage where you need to ask yourself, should we repair our marriage or should we divorce and move on? This is an important question, as it can save you and your partner a lot of time, money, and heartache. In some cases, it can be easy to tell whether you should save your marriage. For example, both parties must be willing and able to make changes to their relationship. If one doesn't feel the need to try or feels that the damage done is too large to tackle, this could indicate that they would prefer to leave the relationship instead of fighting for it. There can also be an issue where a partner is repeatedly emotionally abusive or constantly cheating on their partner. 

If you are experiencing domestic violence, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800 799-SAFE (7233).

If you are thinking about saving the marriage and believe you can do it – or are at least willing to try – there's still a chance to do it. Here are some tips that will help you along the way.

How to fix a marriage

So how to fix a broken marriage

You've already made the first step, admitting that something is wrong with your marriage in the first place. The next step is to fix the marriage itself, which involves discussing things with your partner to figure out the specific problems you're facing. It may be that your partner (or you) doesn't realize that they’re doing something to sabotage the marriage, and in that case, talking about it can clear up the problem and make things better again. However, it is often more complicated than this, which brings us to some of the valuable tips listed below.


1. Figure out what problems you and your partner are experiencing

A lack of communication is often one of the major issues contributing to many marriages’ slow erosion. When there is little or no helpful communication between you and your partner and you spend your time fighting rather than resolving issues, you can’t expect the marriage to go anywhere but down. 

To start the communication process, you need first to understand what issues exist within the relationship. Set aside some time to sit down with your partner in a safe, non-judgmental setting and come up with all the issues that may be affecting the two of you. For example, are you constantly fighting about finances? Is one of you feeling as though the other partner is not interested or involved in the marriage? This first step will help give you a list of things you can work towards later.

2. Come up with solutions and goals for your marriage woes

Having a list of your marriage issues is great, but it is only useful if you take those problems and create a list of solutions and goals that help eliminate them from your relationship. Once you have come up with a comprehensive list covering all the problems you and your partner could identify, you should then develop a list of solutions and specific goals to help you take action on these problems and start work on the marriage immediately. 

Imagine that one of your issues was that the other partner felt that they weren't receiving enough attention from you during the week. In response to this issue, you can decide to set a goal, such as making sure to do three small things throughout the week that shows your appreciation for your spouse. You could decide to set up a date night once a week that is non-negotiable, or you could make sure to set a time several times a week for you and your spouse to talk to each other and learn more about their day. Whatever issue you are having, there are most likely plenty of solutions you and your partner can think of that will help to resolve these problems.

3. Focus on yourself and your personal issues and reactivity

When we're in a place of judgment and blame, we tend to put off all our frustrations on our partner. In some instances, they may be doing things that are causing issues, but we may also be doing things that make them mad as well, or we may simply be reacting too harshly to what we perceive to be a problem. 

When you are working on saving a marriage, the most important thing to remember is to focus on improving yourself and what you can do to contribute to your half of the marriage. What issues are you capable of resolving on your own? What aspects of yourself could you improve that would help to add value to the relationship? Are there any things from your past that need to be resolved to reduce some of your reaction to your partner's actions? Are all your reactions justified, or do you overdo it sometimes or blame your spouse for unnecessary things? 

Part of being a great partner is knowing yourself and making sure that your needs are met so you can be the best person for your spouse. If one-half of the relationship's foundation is crumbling, it makes it simpler for the whole thing to come down.

4. Focus on love and positivity as much as the unenjoyable aspects of the relationship

When you focus on saving your marriage, a lot of your attention is focused on the relationship's negative aspects. You continue to dredge up more and more problems that you and your partner are having. This consistent look at the negative can bring down the overall mood, which is the exact opposite of what you want to do when repairing the relationship. To maintain balance, you must also focus on the positives of being together and put out the effort to love and cherish your partner when possible. What do you love about your partner? What things would you like to do more of for them or with them? How can you better strengthen the existing love and bond between you and your spouse? Make sure to keep the morale and positivity high and do what you can to improve the love and connection as you power through this difficult time.

Your new online therapist

The tips above provide you with excellent methods that you and your partner can use if you are attempting to save your marriage. Still, many married couples have trouble implementing these pieces of advice into their marriage on their own. 

One of the first things that you may want to do is seek out a professional for help. A professional relationship therapist, such as through Regain, can help you understand what's happening in your relationship and why either one of you is unhappy. They may also help you come up with positive ways to talk about and resolve your concerns.

Repairing a marriage can be difficult to do on your own

By working with a professional, you can learn how to stop these types of problems from happening in the future as well. By learning new communication and problem-solving skills, you'll be able to discuss the problems you're facing instead of letting them blow up into something even bigger. 

Multiple studies have found that therapy can make a big difference in marital satisfaction. A review of a decade’s worth of studies found that approximately 70% of couples who received therapy were positively impacted.  The same research found that couples therapy can play a significant role in improving mental distress and disorders among individual partners. Another example, one study found that almost half (48%) of couples with serious chronic distress who went through 26 weeks of counseling were still displaying significant improvements five years later. 

Online couple’s therapy, such as through Regain, has been found to be as effective as in-person therapy for many situations. With Regain, you and your spouse can meet with a professional counselor together, individually, or a combination of both – all from the comfort of your home or office and at a time that works best for the two of you. Regain is also less expensive than in-person therapy for many couples. 

Counselor reviews

“My wife and I decided to give online couples counseling a go after finding traditional methods weren’t all that suited to our busy working and parenting lifestyle. Our counselor Donna Kemp has been amazing! We both feel she’s listened to us and given us the confidence to step out of our comfort zone to deal with problems that are easy to avoid. She is encouraging without being pushy. We’ve both responded very well to her and her methods and look forward to continuing on with Donna. Highly recommend!”

“Cris Roman saved my marriage. His approach to therapy taught my husband and I the skills we needed to change the way we communicated and the way we understood each other. He is very non-judgemental and helps each person make sense of the others' feelings and actions without taking sides or placing blame. His ability to make you feel heard while helping you to see and understand why your significant other is acting a certain way is phenomenal.”


Many marriages face issues that can feel overwhelming. However, that does not necessarily mean your marriage can’t improve. By learning to better communicate, resolve conflicts, and support each other, many marriages can be saved. A professional Regain relationship counselor can help guide you through this process. Reach out and get started today. 

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