What to Do When They Say They Don’t Want A Relationship But Act Like It
Medically Reviewed By Lisa Cooper, MSW, LCSWAre you involved with someone that has clearly explained that they don’t want to be in a relationship but act as if they do? They continuously call, ask you out, physically engage you, and treat you as if you’re their partner throughout the entire time. When a person says that they don’t want a relationship but act like it, it can send mixed signals.
Being involved in a dynamic like this can trigger a variety of questions that are difficult to answer. You’ll want to know the answer to the following questions and many more.
- Why are they acting this way towards me?
- Why are they acting like we’re in a relationship?
- Why do they consistently call or text me?
- Will they change their mind after a while?
- Why do they act as if they are my partner?
- How do we define what we have?
All the above are sensible questions in a scenario such as this. The longer the situation remains, the more confused you may begin to feel. Your confusion is valid, and all the questions you’re asking yourself are fair and necessary. You may begin to feel that the person is using you, manipulating you, or not being honest with you for some reason. You may not identify the reasoning behind their approach, but you have to choose whether to stay or leave this situation.
It’s natural to want to know why a person continues to engage you or spend time with you if they don’t want a relationship, but the first question you should ask yourself is why you allow it to go on? Why do you stay in this type of situation? While you may be confused and sad about this situation, the other person isn’t entirely blamed. You also play an important role in what is going on. Since you allow things to continue in this manner, they may believe that you want the same or are okay with maintaining a relationship with these conditions.
The Reasons
There are various reasons why a person may say they don’t want a relationship but act like it. Here are a few of the most common reasons:
- Convenience: If a person says that they are not interested in a relationship with you but always acts as if you’re in a relationship, it could be because it’s convenient. If you act as if you’re okay with things being the way they are, it’s convenient for the other person to continue this way because they sense that you both have the same goal. It’s convenient for a person to continuously engage in a non-defined relationship if you allow them to do so.
- They Are Free to Do Their Own Thing. If a person tells you that they don’t want to be in a relationship, they’re opening the door for other opportunities. They have the opportunity to date other people, see other people, and be intimate with other people without betraying you. It’s not considered betrayal if they’ve made their feelings or intentions clear from the start.
- They’re Using You. Unfortunately, you may have one or more things that the person wants, and they continuously come around to have access to that one thing. However, they make it clear that there is no desire for a relationship. They may like the physical intimacy that exists between the two of you but feels nothing more. You may be an ego booster for them or enhance their appearance of personality. They may be trying to get over their ex and using you to do so. In some cases, they may be using you to make someone else jealous, which could end badly. Some instances are common where the person uses you for money and has no intention of pursuing anything more with you.
- You Allow It to Happen. This is the most common denominator that can coexist with any of the above reasons. If a person tells you that they don’t want a relationship but act as if they do, it’s up to you to allow or not allow it to go on. You understand your feelings and know what you want. Allowing yourself to remain in a situation like this is only setting yourself up for hurt if you truly want a long-term commitment.
How To Know If You’re Being Used
If you’re involved in a relationship where the person says they don’t want a relationship but acts like it, they may be using you. It’s important to identify the classic signs of being taken advantage of in a relationship.
These are the most common signs that appear when a person is manipulating or using you.
- You Haven’t Met Their Friends or Family. If you’re involved with a person who avoids introducing you or taking you around family or friends, they may not be that into you and may never want a relationship with you. There is usually one goal or mission that this person has in mind regarding you, and it’s probably not a relationship. If the person is close to their family, especially their parents, they will keep you away if they aren’t planning on taking the relationship to a higher level.
Be mindful that just because a person doesn’t introduce you to their family doesn’t always mean that they don’t want more with you eventually, as it could just be at the moment. Some people only take people around their family if they are in love or sure they want to have a serious relationship with them. Some people prefer being single. Regardless, it is important to listen to your intuition about any red flags you notice and not gloss over them.
- There is no balance in intimacy. If they only think of or consider their own physical or sexual needs, they may be taking advantage of you. This may signify that you should step away from the relationship because the person isn’t concerned with satisfying your needs, only their own. However, before making a final decision, communicate that you feel like your needs are not being considered or met. Be clear about what you need from them moving forward. If they make an honest effort to change, there is hope, and all of this may have been a misunderstanding. On the contrary, if nothing changes, you might consider cutting ties.
- They Refuse to Discuss the Future of the Relationship. When people are afraid or intimidated by commitment, they will rarely want to discuss the relationship’s future. In most cases, if you bring plans up, they will avoid this discussion. If there is never a desire to discuss plans, the person likely has no interest in advancing the relationship to anything more serious. If you’re providing attention, affection, and other kind deeds, they are likely to manipulate you or use you for their advances.
- They Look to You for Financial Gain. Are you always picking up the tab when you go out for dinner? Do they ask to borrow money and fail to repay you? Sometimes a person may be struggling financially and need a little help; this is understandable. However, taking advantage of a person for financial gain is not acceptable. If you’re left to pay for everything and usually do so without complaining, it can become stressful and lead you to second-guess your relationship’s standards or quality.
- You’re Consistently Giving, and They’re Always Talking. Relationships should be a proportional share of giving and take. If you find yourself consistently on the giving end, there’s a reason to believe that you’re being taken advantage of by someone. It’s common to want to do nice things for the person you care about, but if you’re the only one doing these things, you may want to re-evaluate the value they place on you and your presence in the relationship.
Summary
There are a variety of ways to determine if a person is taking advantage of you. It’s extremely important that you pay attention to the red flags and not create something that doesn’t exist. If someone says that they don’t want a relationship but acts like it, it’s up to you to walk away. It’s not deception if they’re upfront with you from the start. Actions may speak louder than words, but you should listen closely when used to define a person’s intention clearly.
If you are in a relationship and feel that you’re being used, talk to the person about your feelings. Allow them the chance to alter their behavior. However, if your concerns are disregarded, it may be time to move on. Moving on may be difficult if you’re emotionally invested in a relationship. Low self-esteem can make it difficult to leave a relationship, even if it is unhealthy or unfulfilling. Professional counseling can help you cope with the challenges you have in relationships and life. Talking with someone is a positive step towards self-healing and the preservation of your emotional and mental well-being.
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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What does it mean when a guy doesn’t want to label a relationship?
It could be a red flag for many reasons when a guy acts like a boyfriend but doesn’t want the title.
He could be keeping his options open to date, other people. He could be using you for financial or sexual reasons. He could like the security of a relationship but doesn’t want to commit fully.
Whatever the case may be, having an honest and firm discussion about your expectations for a relationship (as well as what might be holding him back) is a reasonable first step to take.
Does a title matter in a relationship?
Yes and no. If the title is important to you, and you have communicated your feelings about wanting a long-term, meaningful relationship, and being a girlfriend boyfriend is your end goal, then the title matters.
A title signifies a relationship and commitment. However, if you know and have communicated just being “friends with benefits” and both parties have agreed to this, then you don’t need to label it as “boyfriend-girlfriend.”
If he acts like a boyfriend but expects all the perks of a relationship without commitment, it could be a recipe for heartbreak.
What does no title mean in a relationship?
If both parties are okay without putting a title on a relationship or are okay with things remaining casual, not having a title isn’t necessarily indicative of a problem.
Unfortunately, not having a title in a relationship can often be an excuse for your partner to see other people. Even though he acts like a boyfriend, he may not be interested in dating you exclusively.
That may be hard to hear, especially if you are starting to, or have fallen, for this person. You may be giving him all of the benefits of being your boyfriend, but by doing that, you may show him that you’re okay with being treated this way.
Speaking honestly and openly about how you feel, what you expect from the relationship, and your partner’s behavior is perhaps the most efficient way to approach this conflict.
What if a guy likes you but doesn’t want a relationship?
If a guy says he likes you but is uninterested in pursuing a relationship, it may be for personal reasons; not feeling comfortable entering a relationship or having outside motivation for rejecting someone is entirely possible.
However, the hard truth is that he might not like you as much as he claims in some cases. There are some variables here, such as feeling as though he isn’t ready for a relationship, fearing hurting you, or fearing getting his feelings hurt himself. Maybe he has established you as a love contact but is scared of commitment.
The bottom line is that if he wanted to date you, he likely would. You also don’t have to continue the relationship if you are not getting what you want out of it.
If he acts like a boyfriend but leaves you feeling insecure and frustrated at the end of the day by not putting a title on it, the best thing can be to walk away and save yourself the heartbreak.
What are the four types of relationships?
The four different types of relationships are:
- The dramatic couple
- The conflict-ridden couple
- The socially involved couple
- The partner-focused couple
The dramatic couple experiences frequent changes in their level of commitment to each other. Similarly, the conflict-ridden couple also fluctuates between levels of commitment. They let tension and conflict push them apart but come back together through passion and attraction.
The socially involved couple relies on their network of friends and acquaintances regarding their commitment level. Finally, the partner-focused couple is very involved and makes decisions regarding their relationship and commitment level.
Can you be in a relationship without a title?
If a man acts like a boyfriend, receives all the benefits of being a boyfriend, and is still hesitant to put a title on it, it most likely is not a relationship - at least not an exclusive one.
There are many reasons someone might not want to put a title on a relationship, and not all indicate infidelity or a lack of loyalty. Whatever the case may be, it’s vital to talk to your partner about the topic and ensure that you’re on the same page as far as expectations. If not, you can begin to take steps to get there together (or apart, if things don’t work out).
You deserve someone who acts like your boyfriend because he is your boyfriend. Don’t hesitate to begin the process of building your confidence, addressing your concerns, and bettering your relationship with someone who acts like your boyfriend.
What is a Situationship?
A “situationship” is an undefined or uncommitted relationship. This means you have not discussed labeling the romantic relationship or asked, “where is this going?”
It’s dating limbo. It could mean you two meet up sporadically, occasionally get intimate, but know that there might be an expiration date on the relationship.
“Situationships” tend to be more superficial than romantic relationships. Whether it’s because you’re moving to a new city or are not ready to commit, a “situationship” is like a relationship, but with no strings attached.
Whether or not a “situationship” is right for you or not depends on your current values, needs, and long-term goals.
How long should you wait to label a relationship?
That all depends on you and the other person and what the two of you are comfortable with.
Some couples naturally slide into a relationship without ever having to talk about labeling it. For others, it may be a couple of months of dating before they have the conversation about becoming “boyfriend-girlfriend.”
It comes down to a matter of how comfortable you feel, if you trust them, and if they are on the same page as you.
What do I do if he doesn't want a relationship?
If someone doesn't want a relationship, the best thing to do is respect it. This can be challenging and painful, and it may take time to heal. Use self-compassion and be gentle with yourself throughout the process. Casually dating (the person you're interested in may be focused on going on dates with many women or many people in general, or they might be interested in connections that are casual and built without the intention to move toward something serious or long-term) works for some people, but it doesn't always work for others, and this is often based on where someone's at in their life. If you have difficulty facing the emotions that come after a guy tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, it may be helpful to consult with a relationship expert, such as a therapist. A therapist isn't a relationship coach. Instead, they are a mental health professional, and many therapists specialize in relationships or similar concerns. A therapist can also help you move on from a previous relationship.
How do you let go of someone who doesn't want a relationship?
First, accept that you want different things. If you want to move a relationship forward, you need someone who is ready to do the same thing. Internalize it and trust that you control only you and can't make someone want a serious relationship when they don't and that you can't be a relationship hero who steps in and makes them want a committed relationship when they don't. This hero instinct might be particularly strong if you really feel like this person is the right person for you, or if you know that they've had challenges in a previous relationship, but it's important to respect what they say at face value and understand that this is what they want right now. It can help to take time away from this person. Spending time apart means that they won't be in your sight at all times. Therefore, you can focus on other people and other things. When you return to the dating pool, you might choose to make it clear in the early stages of getting to know someone that you aren't looking for a casual relationship or casual sex; you want something serious in your love life.
Should I wait for him to be ready for a relationship?
If you're seeking a committed relationship, it may be best to find someone who is looking for the same, which other guys out there very much may be. It's important to be upfront about what you're looking for, too. While it sounds harsh, if someone is more interested in casual dating vs. a "real relationship" or a committed relationship, it is challenging to know when (or if) they'll start looking for one. Casual dating is a perfectly valid and healthy choice, but it may be a bad sign if you're looking for something more serious. Your needs matter as much as those of the other human being who is involved, and it is important that needs such as this align in a relationship.
