Do Exes Come Back? How To Let Go
It’s true – exes can come back into our lives. Research shows that roughly 15% of ex-partners return to one another and stay together. The same study found that those over 50 years of age were more likely to stay together once they got back together and that relationships that lasted two to five years before the breakup were the most likely to rekindle.
Whether your ex will come back is a question unique to you and your ex. For the 15% of ex-partners who get back together and stay committed, there are 85% who either don’t get back together at all or get back together and break up again shortly after.
As much as you might miss your ex, it is possible to get to a headspace where you don’t miss them anymore, or at least, you don’t want to get back into a relationship with them. The possibility of getting back together is not something that you should put your life on hold for or depend on, and we’ll share strategies for moving on ahead.
What should I do if I can’t stop thinking about my ex?
How to get over your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend? First, know that your feelings are normal and that it's understandable if you ask yourself, "Do I still love my ex?". It takes some time to get over a person whom you once loved. So if you broke up with your partner of five or so years, letting them go would not be easy at all. The first step is to emote and grieve; feel your feelings.
Call a friend, journal, and let yourself cry. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, or nostalgic. Any emotion that comes up for you is okay. Accept these feelings and acknowledge that they are legitimate.
Don’t worry if your thoughts and feelings feel scattered at first. This is a part of the process if you want to get over an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. There will be ups and downs, and you may have to go through several stages of anger, sadness, grief, or resentment before you start to break through to acceptance.
The important part is to ensure that you don’t remain stagnant or stuck in the thought "does my ex want me back?" Here are some ways to help yourself, let go and move on.
Feel your feelings
Again, a vital part of the breakup process is to emote. Let it all out. Don’t bypass this stage or try to avoid it; if you’ve historically tried to swallow your feelings, now is the time to let them out. Don’t pressure yourself to make the process go quickly; like anything, this takes time.
Make sure to work through any strong emotions you have pertaining to this relationship. If you are thinking about your ex, it doesn’t always mean that you want them to come back, sometimes you're simply curious and wondering, "What does my ex think?"
Instead, you might have some unresolved hurt. Is there a specific fight or situation that continues to rehash in your mind repeatedly? Do you wish that they would change or that you could change the outcome of an argument that you had? Did you feel neglected in the relationship? Did you feel like they were the only ones that could ever meet your needs? Did you lose yourself in the relationship? Was it codependent?
As a result, are you wondering who you are outside of the relationship? It’s important to work through anything that’s keeping you stuck both for the sake of your own ability to let go and for the impact it might have on your future love connections.
Stop texting them
Some relationships are better off as friendships. If you want to be friends with your ex, there’s a possibility that you never took a break from talking after you broke it off. Alternatively, you may have stopped talking, but you’ve continued to think about them or look at their online profiles regularly.
If that’s the case, stop what you’re doing; block that profile right now, or at least mute them and log off. You do not need to know what they’re up to. If you can’t mute their profile yourself and you’re looking at their social media regularly, have a trusted friend do it for you.
Don’t feel bad for blocking their number or social media profiles if you need to, as that may be what it takes to start getting past an ex. Sometimes, it’s the only way to disengage and start picturing a positive life without them in it. If the situation is that you tried to hop into a friendship right away and are now finding it difficult to disengage from feelings about your ex or their lives, you can still take some time away from them and make space for yourself.
It doesn’t mean you hate them or even feel ill emotions towards them at all. You may feel entirely positive about this person but still need time apart from them to move forward. If you are co-parenting with this person and distancing yourself from them entirely is not an option, you can keep communication friendly and minimal. You don’t need to be rude; you can even communicate that you need some space, and hopefully, they will understand.
Spend time with yourself
Instead of wondering, "Should I get back with my ex?" try to spend some quality time with yourself. What do you want to do today? What about tonight? In your relationship, you likely had to compromise or work around another person’s schedule.
Now, it’s all up to you. You get to choose the movie, you get to choose what’s for dinner, and you get to decide the time. Think about what you enjoy doing independently. If your relationship was long-term and highly interconnected, this might take some thought, and that’s okay; think back to what your interests were as a child or teen.
Maybe you used to enjoy drawing or playing a specific sport. Now’s the time to get back into it! Perhaps, you like a TV show or musical artist that your ex didn’t like; again, now’s the time. It could be that your ex hated astrology, but you love it; dive deep into that interest!
Spend some time getting to know yourself and what life looks like when you’re calling the shots. Focus on self-love, self-compassion, and self-confidence. Don’t try to win your ex back, try to get revenge on your ex, or make choices based on what your ex would’ve wanted you to do. Now is the time where you get to take the stage. You’ll grow as a person and bring what you learn into your next relationship.
Develop new social relationships
Sometimes, when you’re healing from an ex-relationship, you might benefit from a distraction or a shoulder on which you can lean. Even if you don’t, social relationships are essential for all of us; they’re an integral part of our mental and physical wellbeing. Now is an excellent time to focus outward on your friendships and familial relationships. Think about any connections you may have been neglecting during your relationship.
Of course, it’s not always the case that a relationship will influence you to neglect the other connections in your life, but sometimes, they do take a backseat, so this is a great time to pay attention to those connections again.
Additionally, this is an excellent time to develop new connections. Now, you don’t need to jump into a new romantic relationship right away. What you might do instead is take the time to make new friends. You can look for an online class or one in your local area and meet new people there; you can start spending time with people you work with or start going to more social events. You might even try new friend-making apps or join online groups related to one of your interests.
Mental health and breakups
People experiencing breakups or thoughts of their ex aren’t just going through a life transition; sometimes, what they’re going through is grief. When we think of grief, we often think of tragic events like losing a loved one, but a sense of grief or loss can come with a breakup, too. Go easy on yourself during this time. Grief isn’t easy; in fact, it can be exhausting.
Sometimes, time and social support from your friends and family are all you need to start healing. Other times, you may find that additional support is incredibly beneficial. This is especially true if you run into any obstacles or questions that you can’t find an answer to along the way. Additionally, if you find yourself slipping into a funk or using unhealthy coping mechanisms, it’s vital to reach out.
Whether you see a therapist in person or online, a mental health professional can support you through this time and help you in letting an ex go. A licensed mental health professional will help you work through any roadblocks when it comes to letting go and will be there to support you as you move forward.
Online counseling
Online counseling is an excellent place to discuss any concerns related to interpersonal relationships, breakups, and more. The licensed mental health providers at Regain are here to give you an open seat to talk about anything that’s on your mind. First, you search the network of counselors at Regain and find the perfect fit for your needs or goals. Then, you can schedule appointments at times that work with your schedule.
Online therapy can be especially advantageous for people going through the beginning stages of a difficult breakup, as there is no requirement to get dressed up and make the commute to an in-person therapist’s office. If you’re having a hard time at home, you can connect online with your therapist and not worry about being judged for your emotions or appearance.
Online therapy has helped many people resolve grief-related issues, including relationship break-ups. In one recent study, female participants ages 20-25 identified as having low self-esteem and ability to forgive following a romantic break-up went through an online therapy intervention based on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) – a form of talk therapy that helps reframe negative thought processes to empowered alternatives. Results showed the participants experienced improvements in self-esteem and ability to forgive, showing the promise of online therapy for relationship healing and moving on.
Takeaway
When you’re going through a challenging breakup, it is understandable if you feel consumed by negative thoughts or emotions. It can be very difficult to lose a close bond in your life, whether you chose to part ways or in situations where you felt blindsided. When you’re ready to achieve closure, assign a positive lesson to your relationship, and move forward with confidence, you can reach out to a Regain therapist who will be with you every step of the way.
Frequently asked questions
Do exes usually come back?
Of course, multiple factors and situations can increase or decrease the likelihood of an ex returning to an ended relationship.
If your committed relationship lasted for a very long time, this could make the likelihood higher of an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend returning. The nature in which the relationship ended and why it ended will also undoubtedly play a role.
In truth, there are all different types of exes, relationships, and breakups. It is natural to wonder if exes come back or if your ex will eventually come back to you. Although, at the end of the day, exes coming back depends on many different things, and there is no universal answer to this question.
How long does it take for exes to come back?
Sometimes, exes come back after weeks or months following a breakup; in other cases, years pass before an ex decides to come back in the hopes of rekindling the relationship. However, there is no set blueprint on knowing when or even if an ex will come back.
Usually, after a breakup, it takes time for both parties involved to process things mentally and emotionally. During this period, it usually doesn’t work for an ex to immediately come back unless both people feel like this is the right decision. At the end of the day, it’s important to know that exes will usually make their reasons known and explain why they decided to return at a particular time.
Do exes come back after months?
In some cases, exes have been known to come back after months. Some common reasons for an ex coming back could include missing you, not wanting to see you with someone else, or wanting to give your relationship another shot. Whatever the reasons, exes who come back after months usually have a reason for doing so.
While some exes do come back after months, there are no guarantees after a relationship ends. Life can take us in many different directions. There are also all kinds of circumstances that can play a role in whether an ex comes back and when they return. Exes coming back is not always something that can be predicted or anticipated ahead of time.
Do exes come back after no contact?
No contact after a breakup does not necessarily mean that your ex will not come back; however, many relationship specialists and experts have stated that having absolutely no contact after a breakup significantly lowers the likelihood of an ex returning. There are exceptions to every rule; however, if you’re not having any contact with your ex and wondering if they’ll come back, this is something of which you should be mindful.
Communication plays a vital role in literally any reunion, especially a romantic one. You should also be aware that while poor communication doesn’t guarantee that your ex will never come back, it does increase the probability that they may not return to you very soon...if ever.
What percentage of exes get back together?
The statistics vary, but in cases of exes getting back together, the likelihood can range from 10% to 72%. Suffice it to say, this is a very wide range, and there are all kinds of variables that can tip the scale to a higher or lower percentage.
The percentage of exes that get back together doesn’t necessarily mean that you and your former significant other will rekindle the flame, but it also doesn’t rule out the possibility. How the relationship ended and whether you two are keeping in touch each plays considerable roles in a possible reunion later down the line. Then, of course, whether both parties are interested in getting back together is the question.
How do you tell if your ex is pretending to be over you?
When you’re getting mixed signals or feedback from an ex, it can be tough to determine whether they’re pretending to be over you. However, a quick assessment of their communication skills and behavior can reveal telltale signs that your ex isn’t as over you as they want you to believe.
If your ex regularly stays in contact with you or says they’d like to keep a friendship going, these could be signs that they’re only pretending to be over you. Additional indicators that ex is pretending to be over you include launching themselves into other relationships, steering clear of other relationships altogether, and keeping in touch with you on social media.
In truth, being certain about whether your ex is pretending to be over you can be challenging; however, if your ex exhibits multiple of the above signs, it’s a safe bet that they may still harbor feelings for you deep down.
Should I wait for my ex or move on?
The temptation to wait for your ex can be great, especially if there are underlying feelings. However, when a relationship comes to an end, some of the healthiest steps take time to process things and then gradually move on. Don't trap yourself in the idea of "Does my ex want me back?" Moving on isn’t always easy; however, it does create opportunities for a brighter future.
When you wait for your ex, you run the risk of waiting for a rekindling that may never come to fruition. Also, it’s not fair for your ex to expect you to wait for them. If the relationship is over, you deserve the chance to heal, be happy, and have another relationship in the future if this is what you want for yourself.
Does an ex ever miss you?
There are many cases when an ex may miss you. This isn’t uncommon. Missing an ex can actually be a healthy part of grieving and moving past the end of a relationship. The emotional feelings that come with processing what is now a previous relationship can play a significant role in missing an ex.
How long does it take an ex to miss you with no contact?
Depending on your relationship's length and nature, it is very much possible for an ex to miss you with no contact quickly. A lack of contact can serve as a stark contrast against the contact you two had with one another as a couple. Sometimes, a lack of contact happens after the end of a relationship when one or both people need time to heal.
There is a flip side to this, though. If your relationship ended poorly or on bad terms, then there is always the possibility that your ex won’t miss you with no contact. Sometimes, when relationships end, an ex can miss you, but situations where an ex can be relieved that the relationship has come to an end.
What is an ex thinking during no contact?
If you and your ex have broken up and have no contact with each other, there are all kinds of things they could be thinking about. They may be processing the relationship and how things ended. Your ex could also be thinking about what went wrong, whether they should reach out to you, and what a hypothetical rekindling of the relationship might look like.
After a breakup, and especially with no contact, it’s natural for all sorts of thoughts to go through your ex’s mind. Trying to figure out what your ex is thinking can also be a tiresome process, seeing as thoughts can change frequently. At the end of the day, the only person who will truly know what an ex is thinking during no contact is that ex themselves.
Will no contact make her move on?
After a relationship, it’s natural to question whether no contact will help your ex move on. Some relationship gurus have stated that not having any contact with an ex is a great way for both parties to move on; however, this is debatable.
Not all people respond to no contact in the same way. Some exes have found that having no contact with their former partner causes them to miss this person more. However, other exes can move on with greater ease when they have no contact with their ex. How your relationship ended and why it ended could both impact whether no contact will make your ex move on.
What if an ex doesn’t respond after no contact?
If an ex doesn’t respond after no contact, then leaving them alone is highly advisable. Some people prefer to have a clean break after a relationship and do not want to contact their exes. To win someone back is not a very smart choice if you and your partner are no longer on the same page. If you’ve tried to reach out to an ex after a period of no contact and they’re not responding to you, letting go and stepping back is a good practice.
A lack of communication from an ex is a very clear message, despite how disheartening this message can be. If you’re not getting any response from an ex after attempting to contact them, this is a great time to stop figuring out how to win your boyfriend or girlfriend back. Maybe the situation is calling you to begin to heal and move on. Despite how much no response from your ex may hurt, it’s important to know that a better relationship could await you later down the line.
How do I know if my breakup is final?
Not all breakups are final, but some are. If your relationship ended and you’re not certain if this breakup is final, there are definitely some important signs of which you’ll want to be aware.
If one or both of you is relieved that the relationship is over, dating someone new, or feeling better being apart, these are each sign that your breakup is final. Additional pointers that signify a forever breakup include having different values, having different goals, or the relationship ending due to someone doing something terrible. Studies in relationships have shown that a lack of interest in getting back together and lack of support from others can make it more likely that a breakup is final.
It’s not always easy to tell if a breakup is forever. However, if the above signs designate with either you or your ex, then it’s safe to say that the relationship may have permanently run its course.
How do you know if your ex will never come back?
If your relationship was toxic, abusive, emotionally damaging, etc., there is a strong likelihood that your ex will never come back. The chances are that if the breakup happened due to irreconcilable differences, conflicting goals, interests, or values, then your ex may not be coming back to you. Ultimately, if your relationship's nature was volatile and if the relationship ended badly, you shouldn’t count on a reunion with your ex-partner.
Do soulmates break up and get back together?
Many folks believe that if two people are soulmates and truly meant to be with one another, they will find their way back together. There have been cases where breakups happened, but the two exes eventually reunited because they decided that being together was better than being apart. Ultimately, whether or not soulmates get back together after a breakup depends upon both individuals’ interest in uniting and willingness to get back together.
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