Is It Normal To Still Love My Ex? Six Strategies To Heal From Your Breakup

Regardless of the length or seriousness of the relationship, breakups are rarely easy. After ending things with your ex, you may feel frustration, confusion, and even anger; but of course, you might also still love and care for this person. 

If you’re struggling to get over your ex, know that you’re not alone in this experience, and that your feelings – however complex or confusing – are completely normal. Love is an intense emotion, and it may take longer to fall “out” of love with your last partner than you expect.

While these feelings are valid, you may be looking for strategies to move on from your past relationship and pursue connections with new romantic partners. We’ll review six strategies to get you started, as well as the psychology of breaking up and managing residual feelings of love for an ex.

When is it normal to love an ex?

Psychologists and therapists agree that it’s completely normal to love an ex, especially in the first few months after a breakup. In some cases, you may still feel love toward a previous partner years after the breakup, particularly if you’re still involved in each other’s lives as friends, coworkers, or even co-parents. 

In short, there is no straightforward or universal timeline for getting over love for a previous partner; or, at the very least, feelings of care and concern for their well-being.

Why am I still in love with my ex?

There are many reasons you may still experience feelings of love toward an ex, even if the relationship ended on poor terms. Depending on the circumstances, you might resonate with some of the following reasons:

• You feel lonely after the breakup and want to feel loved by a familiar presence: in this case, your ex.
• The breakup was abrupt and initiated by the other person, limiting your ability to process your emotions toward the end of the relationship.
• You tend to romanticize your ex, which may cause you to forget the primary reasons behind the breakup and other issues in your past relationship.
• You continue to interact with your ex as a friend, co-worker, or in other social settings, making it difficult to overcome any lingering romantic feelings for them.

Psychologists are still working to understand why some people have more difficulty losing feelings for an ex. Current research shows that feelings of romantic love activate the brain’s dopamine system, which compels us to repeat rewarding, pleasurable experiences. 

Noting this biological process, just seeing an ex can trigger the release of oxytocin: a hormone that promotes attachment and closeness. Inevitably, these biological and psychological processes complicate the process of getting over an ex, even if the relationship is no longer healthy or suitable for your current phase of life.

Getting over your love for an ex: Six therapist-approved strategies

While you can’t quickly change the way your brain is wired, you can take these six strategies to heart. In addition to your friends, family and other loved ones, a therapist can offer support and guidance as you apply these tips and continue to heal.

1. Remove the physical and digital reminders

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, reminders of your ex may be everywhere. You might have articles of their clothing in your home, see their posts on social media, or even run into them at school or the local grocery store.

While you can’t always avoid run-ins or even planned meet-ups with an ex-partner, there are other steps you can take to minimize the negative impact of these reminders. 

If you’ve established a zero-contact rule with your ex, it may be best to unfriend them on social media platforms or at least avoid checking their posts. You can even identify a trusted person to hold you accountable and help you honor this personal boundary.

2. Reexamine your boundaries

Beyond social media, setting other healthy boundaries can help you overcome feelings for an ex and prioritize your emotional well-being. Some boundaries could include: 

• Adhering to a strict zero-contact rule in the first month after your breakup, or whatever period of time works best for you and your ex-partner.
• Making a “no flirting” rule if you see your ex regularly in-person.

By guarding your time and mental health, boundaries give you the emotional capacity to pursue healthy and balanced relationships – both romantic and platonic – as well as personal hobbies and passions. 

3. Focus on taking care of yourself

While healthy relationships and hobbies are key aspects of a healthy life, there are other ways to take care of your physical and mental health. When you’re recovering from a breakup and struggling to fall “out of love” with an ex, you may skim over the basics of self-care. 

The foundations of healthy eating, movement, and rest are basic but essential. During this time, you may need to place extra emphasis on self-care to ensure that all your needs are met.

If you’re struggling to get through your daily routine, consider writing out and even printing a checklist with your essential “to-do’s”, from toothbrushing and meal-prepping to regular exercise. Even when you’re getting over a difficult breakup, you deserve to take care of yourself and feel healthy, rested, and prepared for what lies ahead. 

4. Invest in other relationships

Investing in hobbies, friendships, and other intimate relationships is crucial to your mental and even physical health. These connections can also help you process and overcome feelings for an ex, and find appreciation and gratitude for the constant, reliable people in your life.

If possible, schedule plans to see friends in your calendar – just as you would for an important meeting or health activity, like going to the gym or attending a workout class. You might plan a weekly outing or “coffee date” with a trusted friend, family, or other loved one to catch up, talk, and just have fun. 

5. Look ahead to the future

Naturally, your ex is in the past – but depending on your circumstances, they may also be in your present. Coparenting, mutual friends, and other social ties can make it tricky to completely move beyond feelings for your ex – let alone, avoid seeing them. 

While you may not be able to control every external factor, you can invest your time and energy into visualizing a future without your ex. Consider making a physical or digital vision board with your goals, dreams, hopes, and questions about the future, and consult your board regularly for guidance and inspiration.

6. Seek professional support

Processing any difficult emotion takes time, whether you’re still experiencing love for an ex or working through another major life event. If you’re actively applying these strategies but looking for an additional layer of support, a licensed therapist is ready to guide you.

While some individuals and couples prefer face-to-face therapy, many people prefer online therapy as a highly effective and affordable alternative. Starting with a digital platform like Regain, you can match with a board-certified therapist after completing a brief online questionnaire. All Regain therapists have at least three years of professional experience, and many support individuals through the emotional pain of breakups and other relational challenges.

Several studies show that online therapy can be highly effective for various mental health concerns, including a 2020 review of online psychological interventions for mental health problems in low-income and middle-income countries. Digital interventions are usually more affordable and may even be superior to face-to-face therapy in some cases, though more research is needed to expand on these promising findings.

Takeaway

Feeling love, care, and affection toward an ex-partner is normal and even expected. But if these feelings prevent you from moving on and pursuing other meaningful connections, you may benefit from working with a licensed therapist.

An online mental health professional can offer empathy and strategies to guide you through the toughest days and rebuild your life after the breakup. The future is yours to define, and therapy can give you the tools you need to move forward with confidence and clarity.