What Should I Do If My Ex Wants Me Back?

Updated October 7, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Is it ever a good idea to get back together with your ex? The answer is typically different for everyone, partially because we all have unique perspectives and partly because our experiences with our exes differ. Some people have a rule against reuniting with an ex, and some people break up, get back together, and proceed to have a strong relationship. 

If you’ve experienced a breakup and your ex wants you back, but you’re unsure of what to do, you may consider a few things when deciding. But first, if there’s even the slightest doubt, you should confirm that they do want you back. 

Do they go out of their way to maintain frequent contact with you in person, through friends, over social media, etc.? Do they make a concerted effort to stay “in the loop” about your social and romantic life? Do they try to keep close contact with your family and non-mutual friends? Do they continue to do thoughtful little things for you, such as bring you coffee at work or leave small notes of encouragement for you to find?

If this is the case, you may want to have an honest, gentle conversation to determine if they want to rekindle the relationship. You may find the signs confirm your suspicions. But if you’re mistaken in thinking they want to get back together, asking outright may save everyone involved from a potentially awkward scenario.

What should you do if your ex wants you back?

What does a healthy relationship look like?

When considering returning to your ex, it may be helpful to take a step back and re-evaluate what a healthy relationship is to you and compare it to your past. The things that make a relationship healthy for two people can vary depending on the couple’s personalities and circumstances. But some basics provide the foundation of every healthy relationship:

  • Trust- Building trust often takes time, but in a healthy relationship, couples feel they can depend on each other and open themselves up to be vulnerable to one another.

  • Communication- Partners can tell their thoughts and feelings in a respectful, attentive, non-judgmental way. Even- or maybe especially- when they don’t agree. 

  • Boundaries- A healthy relationship includes partners who meet each other’s needs and observe each other’s space, wishes, and safety in a comfortable, respectful way. 

  • Support- A healthy relationship means the partners encourage each other’s dreams and individual development.

  • Affection- No matter what your definition of affection is, people in healthy relationships feel valued and appreciated because their partner takes steps to let them know they are. 

They want you, but do you want them?

Things can get complicated if you’ve already come to terms with the breakup, but your ex wants to get back together with you. Before you consider reuniting, it is vital to assess honestly whether you’re ready to take a step backward in the process of healing from your split. You’ve already come so far, and reuniting just because they want you back, you’re lonely, or because it’s familiar may only hurt both of you more. If you get back together with someone, it’s best to do so because both of you want to, and you know that you’re both committed to reestablishing a healthy relationship for the right reasons.

How to turn an ex down

Communication can be uncomfortable when you realize your ex wants you back, but you don’t feel the same way. But as with turning anyone down, your ex requires and deserves clear, direct, and honest communication about your feelings. 

If you can, take a little time to prepare what you would like to say before jumping into the conversation. Many people contemplating reconciling with an ex do so because they still have feelings, so tact and kindness should be your first strategy. Have the conversation in person, and be prepared to listen attentively. 

If things get pushy, insist that they honor your feelings and boundaries. If you don’t want to get back together, say so in a direct way. Point out to them that no is a complete sentence, and you’re under no obligation to concede to their wishes. 

What if they want to “be friends?”

Many feel guilty or obligated to be friends with their ex after a breakup. It’s essential to understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about if your ex wants to “be friends” after the breakup, but you’d rather cut ties completely. 

Some will use the “we can still be friends” rule to stay connected to an ex they want to get back together with, while others feel like it’s the civil thing to do after a breakup. Regardless of the reason, honesty is always the best policy when this scenario arises. Let them know in a direct but empathetic way that you don’t think a friendship is healthy for either of you. If you aren’t sure, try telling them you need time to process your feelings before agreeing to a friendship post-breakup.

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with an ex?

Having a healthy relationship with an ex is possible if you’re on the same page and agree that you want to give the relationship another shot. First, you must be willing to learn from the mistakes of your relationship before you split in the first place. It’s essential to remember that this requires open and honest communication on a level you may not have been capable of or willing to have before. 

Wanting your relationship back isn’t likely to be all you need to make it work- you’ll need to make a concerted effort to not only repair the breaches that caused your breakup in the first place but also to work together to mend the bruised feelings you likely sustained when you split. The best way to ensure success when reuniting with your ex and mending your past relationship is to speak with a professional specializing in couples therapy.

Take it slow

Depending on how long you were apart, you might be getting to know this person all over again. Think of all the ways you’ve both changed- get to know your ex as the person they are now, and make sure that your ex gets to know you like your current self. If you want to be thorough, spend time together as friends firsthand. Be cognizant of the signs you’d look to in any partnership to see if it’s going well. Do you have fun doing mundane things like grocery shopping with this person? Are they someone you’d be able to enjoy being stuck at the airport with? A good relationship depends on communication, understanding, and the ability to have fun with each other.

How to make sure that old patterns don’t repeat

If your ex wants you back and you’re interested in giving it another shot, it’s important to make sure that old patterns don’t repeat, particularly if there was a specific pattern or issue that strained your relationship in the past. Again, one of the best ways to ensure that old patterns don’t repeat in a rekindled relationship is to go to couple’s therapy. Even happy couples go to premarital counseling and find value in it, so if you’re looking to get back together and are determined to make it work, therapy is a great way to help build a solid foundation. 

Getty/Vadym Pastukh
What should you do if your ex wants you back?

Online therapy for weighing relationship dilemmas

Whether you are completely against the idea of getting back together with your ex or are ready to give it another try, trust, and transparency are key. Communicate clearly with your ex, taking care to ensure you understand each other’s position and feelings on the topic. 

Resisting reuniting with an ex can be a big challenge for many, particularly for those without a strong foundation of self-confidence. It can be tempting to return to old relationships with unhealthy patterns if we don’t think we can do better or are afraid of being alone. While support from friends and family is helpful, professional help from a therapist is the most effective way to identify why you’re having difficulty moving on. Once you understand why-  it’s easier to work on how to strengthen your self-esteem and have more autonomy over your relationships. 

If you do want to get back together, you may be in a situation where it’s necessary to reestablish trust, communication, and understanding between you. It may seem like beginning all over again. But as with using individual counseling to move on from a relationship, studies show that couples counseling can increase satisfaction in relationships as well. 

Despite the benefits, many people don’t seek counseling. The most common reasons for this are related to convenience, scheduling, and budgetary concerns. Some people feel uncomfortable talking to a therapist about the intimate details of their love life, and others feel aversion because of societal or familial stigma against mental health treatment. 

The rise in online therapy has demonstrated that platforms like Regain provide a highly effective solution to these barriers to treatment and more. Online therapy allows clients to talk to a mental health professional discretely from home or anywhere with a reliable internet connection when it’s convenient for them. Online therapy is often more affordable than traditional counseling without insurance and as effective. For example, a review of three meta-analysis studies published by the National Center for Health Research indicates that the efficacy of online therapy is comparable to conventional therapy for treating a wide range of mental health issues- many of which contribute to relationship challenges

The relationship experts at Regain have a diverse range of specializations and offer both individual and couples counseling. Speak to a counselor via text, phone, video chat, and online messaging and begin the journey to better well-being, both in a relationship and on your own. 

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