Not Attracted To Husband? Learn Why -- And Take Control Of Your Intimate Life
By: Sarah Fader
Updated November 25, 2019
Medically Reviewed By: Lauren Guilbeault
If you find that you're suddenly not attracted to your husband, it can be alarming. When did this start? Why is it happening? You might fear that something is deeply wrong in your marriage, but in reality, it can occur in the healthiest relationships. In this article, we're going to go over some reasons why your attraction to your husband could be waning.
Marriage Changes Over Time
When you get married, you're in an intimate relationship. You are physically attracted to your husband, but after the honeymoon phase, you may find that the intimacy wanes over time. In the beginning, you may be in the bedroom once a day or several times a day, and your intimate or sexual life is fulfilling. It's natural that over time, people get busy with other aspects of their lives and have difficulty maintaining an active intimate life. According to (quote).
However, that doesn't mean that your lack of attraction to your husband is permanent. There are many factors for why this could be happening. We're going to explore why you're not attracted to your husband. Once you know the answer, It's not a hopeless situation. Many couples experience an ebb and flow in the bedroom. The important thing is to be mindful of the changes in your intimate life and make sure you have honest and open communication. One thing that can change your intimate life is when you have children and are trying to keep the marriage going.
After you have children, life is different. You're focusing more on your kids than you are on each other as a married couple. Something important to keep in mind is that having regular date nights and particular quality time is a crucial aspect of being married. Your kids are undoubtedly important, but your intimate partnership is, too, so scheduling a date night is something that is well-deserved and needs to happen. Being a parent is demanding. It can be brutal; you're exhausted, and if you have an infant or young child, their sleep schedule is irregular. You might be waking up in the middle of the night and getting little sleep due to tending to your child, and because of that, you might not be in the mood for intimacy. You feel like you've changed, or your body is different after having children, and perhaps, you're just not feeling up to being physically intimate.
All of that is okay, but you must communicate with your partner. If you're feeling overwhelmed or like you aren't up to sex, that could contribute to why you think that you're not attracted to your husband. Stress makes it difficult to focus on your sex drive. And after having children, it's something that could get into the way for either one of you. People feel exhausted after childbirth. They might not necessarily want to be in the bedroom as much. Their sex drive might be the same, but other factors get in the way. Maybe your husband is busy providing for the family, and you don't have much time together. Perhaps the tables are turned, and he's home with the kids. You are the one working, and you start seeing him as a caretaker rather than a lover.
Marriage, After Years, Becomes Platonic
At the beginning of your relationship, you are high on love hormones. You can't get enough of each other, and you want to be around your husband every chance you get. As time goes on, the physical relationship may change, and you might see each other more as friends. You may not be attracted to your husband because you see him as more of a buddy or roommate. After you're married for many years, the romance can wane. It could be that you're looking at your partner more like someone that you live with and share a bed with rather than someone that you want to get it on with, which is troubling. Maybe, the sex has become boring or formulaic in some way, and you need to spice it up. Here's a circumstance where you might want to have a conversation about your sex life.
You could try new things in the bedroom. That could be what brings the attraction back into the marriage. You might need more excitement. It could be that you want more time together. Spending date nights with one another could spark that honeymoon phase back up. That is another reason that making time for date nights. Even if you feel like the romance isn't there right now, is so important. Those nights can make things feel new again. After relationships feel routine or boring, you might not feel compelled to have nights out with your husband. However, you may be surprised as to what you find once you put in the effort to change things up and amplify the romance. If you try that and find that it's not working and that things do still feel platonic, this is a situation where seeing a couple's counselor may help.
Being Attracted To The Same Sex
Maybe your lack of attraction doesn't have to do with your husband at all. It could be that you are discovering something new about your sexuality and who you are attracted to, which could be people of the same sex. You may not be attracted to your husband because of a realization about yourself. If you've realized that you're attracted to women more than men, that's valid. If you feel that way, it might be something to explore, and it's integral to be candid about this with your husband if that is the case. Maybe, you're bisexual, or it could be that you're curious about being attracted with the same sex and want to figure out what's happening with your sexuality. Some people realize that they're gay or lesbian after years of being in a heterosexual marriage.
That's also not a fault of anyone. One extremely important thing is that you don't hide these feelings from your husband. It's a difficult conversation to have, but it's not fair to either of you to keep it a secret. Repressing the issue will only make it feel more overwhelming. It's something that you have a right to investigate, and that could mean a variety of things for your marriage. It could mean that you have an open marriage. Maybe you need to talk about the future of your relationship. That could present in a couple of different ways. Maybe you decide to split up down the line. Depending on the situation, it could mean working out some kinks in therapy. Talking to a couple's counselor can help you with this issue whether you choose to see someone online or in your local area.
Libidos Are Changing
You may have a strong libido at the beginning of your marriage, and as time goes on, your need for sex cools change. It may be that your libido shifts, and you have a lacking sex drive, or it could be that your husband's libido changes and that it makes you less attracted to him. It's something that you need to have an open conversation about. There are things that you can do to stimulate libido whether that's talking to your doctor about potential fixes and what could be impacting your libido in the first place or keeping open communication and trust with your partner.
Another thing that can happen is that your sexual desire may have decreased because after childbirth. Your body has changed, and sex might feel different or painful. If this is the case, talk to your OBGYN, and see what you can do for this issue.
Five Love Languages
People give and receive love in different ways. You may have heard of "love languages" before, but do you know what they are? The five love languages are physical touch, acts of service, gift-giving, quality time, and words of affirmation. These love languages explain the ways that people give and receive shows of love and affection. A genuine possibility is that your husband may not seem attractive to you because your love language is not being satisfied. Consider the ways that you best receive affection. Maybe those aren't met by your husband. If that's happening, it's something that you can talk about between the two of you or in therapy. Whether you discuss that directly in the home or couple's therapy, the point is to open up that dialogue.
That's not something that needs to stay stagnant. You can reignite the spark in your relationship if this is what's going on for you. If you explain how you need to feel loved and he can fulfill that, that's important. It could also be vice versa; maybe his love language is different than yours, and it's not being fulfilled. These are things that you can discuss together or in therapy so that you can remain physically and emotionally close.
The Gottman Method
The Gottman Technique is a marriage and family counseling strategy where couples can build a foundation for a healthy relationship. They can work on intimacy in their connection. Dr. John Gottman and conducted extensive research in the area of marriage success. He's found that marriages have an astonishing 80 percent chance of ending in divorce during the first four to five years of the relationship. He's developed techniques to increase the longevity of the marriage. Here are some tenants to the Gottman Technique.
Sex can feel more fulfilling when there's a level of emotional intimacy. If you want to improve your connection with your partner in the bedroom, the emotional connection matters more than the physical connection. You need to work on your friendship and emotional connection and work on validating your partner's feelings before working on connecting on a sexual level. Another thing is to focus on meeting your partner's needs in the bedroom. They will feel satisfied, and so will you.
When you start a marriage, sexual chemistry is excellent but may dwindle over time. According to scientific studies, oxytocin is a hormone that contributes to bonding and pleasure. It releases during the initial stages of dating when you're infatuated with one another. You may feel that physical touch enhances that. It feels like a drug, and you want to be around your partner more and more to get that high. There are ways that you rekindle the attraction to your husband by focusing on the Gottman Techniques, and focusing on emotional bonding.
Online Couples Counseling
Online couple's counseling is an excellent environment to discuss the issues with an attraction to your husband. The folks at Regain are dedicated to helping you figure out what's happening with your marriage, and supporting you in rekindling your intimacy and attraction to your husband. Your feelings are important and valid. Online couples counseling can help you, and your husband maintains a long healthy marriage. Search the network of counselors here at ReGain and find one who is right for you.