"Unattractive" Men: Why Looks Aren't Everything
Many people want to feel attractive, especially when it comes to dating. If you take a look at any of the magazines at the check-out aisles of your local grocery store, it’s easy to get the impression that physical attractiveness is the key to finding a prospective partner. At first glance, you’d probably assume that all of these publications are targeted at women, but any guy who’s ever picked up a men’s magazine knows that men face a lot of pressure to be physically attractive, as well.
Cover images feature guys with washboard abs amidst headlines like, “RAW POWER!” and “Top 15 Ways to Please Her in Bed!” so it’s easy to see how these headlines send the message that men have to present a certain image of powerful sexuality. If you worry that you don’t embody these qualities— or you fear that women don’t find you physically attractive— it’s easy to feel anxious or insecure. As cliche as it sounds, looks really aren’t everything! In this article, we’ll elaborate on why that’s the case.
Why looks are not everything
Although looks are often considered the most important part of a couple’s attraction to one another, looks are often only an initial reason for attracting a partner. Physically attractive qualities may help you catch the eye of a prospective mate, but what happens next?
For example, a person sees you in a bar, thinks you’re handsome, and thus decides to come to talk to you. But what if, once you start talking, they think you’re boring or they just aren’t attracted to your personality?
This is often the case for physically attractive people who lack substance. So, it doesn’t matter if a person is physically attractive in these cases! Despite their good looks, they still might struggle to develop a lasting and intimate connection with a partner who values them for more than their appearance.
Conversely, suppose you have a great personality, a great sense of humor, and other attractive personal characteristics. In that case, you may find it easier to connect with people who look beyond the surface and value you simply because you’re you.
So, although magazines may present the idea that looks are everything, nothing could be further from the truth. If you’re worried that you’re a physically unattractive man, don’t lose hope. You have more going for you than you know, and it may be time to quiet that inner voice that tries to convince you that you aren’t worthy of love. Let’s look at a few reasons why looks aren’t everything.
1) Looks fade
You’ve probably heard the old saying “beauty fades.” While it’s nice to feel like you have great features and an attractive body, your physical beauty should never be the ultimate source of your self-esteem. That’s because, whether you like it or not, physical beauty fades. The most magnificent diet, exercise regimen, and plastic surgeon combined cannot stop or reverse the signs of aging.
Of course, this is not to say that older people are not physically attractive. We simply live in a society that prioritizes certain standards of beauty – like smooth skin, toned muscles, etc. – that naturally deteriorate with age.
If you’re feeling insecure about your appearance, it’s important to keep in mind that society’s conceptualization of beauty is extremely inconsistent. A quick look through history will show that beauty standards have changed drastically through the ages; what’s considered attractive in one era will no longer be the standard in another.
So, if we consider that societal standards and other people’s perceptions of beauty change from one era to another, it’s easier to see how physical attractiveness is fleeting. But traits that are unique to you, like your personality and work ethic, are timeless in their potential to attract a lasting connection with a partner.
2) Kindness matters
We all know that it’s cool to be kind, but you might have underestimated the value of kindness in a relationship. Whether you’re seeking a relationship with a woman or another man, most people want to be with someone kind. Kindness is an attractive quality in a partner for various reasons. For example, a kind person generally cares about others and is considerate of their feelings. Everybody wants a partner who is thoughtful and considerate!
That’s because, deep down, everyone wants to feel loved and safe in a relationship. If your partner knows that you are kind— to them, to others, and to yourself— they are more likely to feel safe with you and believe that they can trust you. And because kindness is such a desirable quality in a prospective partner, kind people are also perceived as more physically attractive, even if they aren’t considered conventionally attractive! In this respect, the old cliche is true: what’s on the inside is what counts.
3) Attraction shifts over time
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you already know that it's easy to adore everything about someone when you first meet and fall in love with a prospective partner. In the early stages of your relationship, you’ll probably be attracted to their looks and personality, so everything about them may seem attractive to you.
As you get to know them better, you’ll eventually begin to notice their flaws. Everybody has annoying habits, no matter how beautiful they are, and it’s easy to be turned off by these things.
Eventually, conventionally attractive people will do things that you do not find sexy, and your relationship with them might fade as a result. But if you fall in love with someone for who they are, the everyday annoyances that naturally occur in a relationship are unlikely to rock the boat too much.
It’s also important to remember that attraction naturally shifts and changes over time. For example, as a young person in your twenties, you might be primarily attracted to your partner because of their looks, personality, or both. But as you both mature and evolve, you may find that you value different things, such as a person’s character, stability, intelligence, or core values.
These things are much more valuable and important than physical beauty because these are the qualities at the core of a deep and lasting relationship. So, if you feel like you don’t have a lot to offer in the looks department, don’t despair. Your other qualities are ultimately more important.
Finding help and hope
If you feel insecure about your appearance, it can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Although physical attractiveness is not the most important thing, the sad reality is that our society values beauty to an unhealthy degree. So, if you feel like you don’t measure up to those standards, it can make you feel insecure. These insecurities can profoundly impact your mental health and your overall quality of life.
It can be especially difficult for men to battle these struggles due to a culture of toxic masculinity that has conditioned men to believe that they should “man up” by repressing their emotions, avoiding therapy, and refusing to talk through their feelings. So, if you find yourself feeling any of these things, you should know that you are not alone and you don’t have to struggle in silence!
Suppose you feel that you are unattractive, having trouble finding a partner, or experiencing feelings of low self-esteem. In that case, you may benefit from connecting with a licensed mental health professional who can support you and provide you with positive coping mechanisms that will help you work through your feelings. People often have a lot of misconceptions about therapy, but the truth is that therapy is for anyone, and you don’t have to be in crisis to pursue therapy.
Just as you would go to a doctor for anything that is impacting your physical health, you can go to a therapist for anything affecting your mental and emotional well-being. So, if you want to work through your feelings and improve your self-esteem, the licensed therapists at Regain are available to help!
The convenience of online therapy means that you can fit your therapy sessions around your schedule with ease. Instead of traveling to an in-person therapist’s office, you can meet virtually with your therapist from your home, your office, or anywhere with a secure internet connection. You can even text your therapist directly if you’re in need of advice on a date!
Online therapy has served as a helpful venue for people to build self-esteem, relationship communication skills, and other positive traits. If you feel that you lack attractiveness, your low self-esteem can lead you to develop other mental health disorders, like depression or generalized anxiety disorder.
In any case, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a proven way to build self-esteem or overcome the aforementioned mental health conditions. However, does CBT work online? In a large study of online CBT involving 840 participants, researchers observed that the effects were comparable to those experienced in face-to-face CBT sessions.
Takeaway
If you’re worried that others perceive you as unattractive, it’s important to remember that you are not alone; many people worry that they don’t measure up to society’s beauty standards. It’s also important to remember that, as cliche, as it sounds, looks truly are not the most important thing in a relationship, and society’s standards are not the authority for dictating your attractiveness.
The qualities that lie beneath the surface matter most because that’s what makes you who you are. While it is one thing to say that, understanding and truly believing and feeling it is another matter that can sometimes be difficult to do on your own.
So, if you’re struggling with your relationships, self-image, or self-esteem, know that the therapists at Regain are always available to help you. Help is only a click away, so don’t be afraid to reach out today!
Frequently asked questions
What matters more – personality or looks?
There is no one answer to this question. It is subjective and dependent on what you want in your partner. A recent study asked 1000 people to choose if they are more likely to be attracted to someone else based on their looks or personality and discovered that this is not the case! 46% picked personality over looks. 45% of all the men that took part also went for personality, with women coming in strong at 46.5%.
Why would that be? You may ask yourself, in a world where people are constantly going above and beyond to look better and be more sexually appealing, you would think that looks would indeed be everything. In the honeymoon stage, maybe looks are everything. Still, as time goes by, you want commitment and stability from your partner, and a good personality can assure you of that and more in your relationship.
Are looks more important when dating?
People have different ideas of what a relationship should look like. Some people want a partner with whom they can hold hands in the park, take long walks, show off on Twitter and enjoy the moment. Different people want different things, and that is okay.
Other people might say they want more than a good face or beach body; they might say that the face and body might age throughout the years, so they want something timeless in their partner. People in this camp may be more likely to enjoy time alone, make each other laugh and giggle, appreciate each other's company and make plans for now and the future.
Do looks matter in a relationship?
It depends on whom you are asking. To some people, looks are everything in their relationship. Others want more from a relationship than just a good-looking partner. We must understand and appreciate that people are different, and there are no wrong answers. Depending on how long you want the relationship to last, how productive you would like your partnership to be, and for the most fun, you might want to be with someone you connect with on a deeper level.
There are a lot of responsibilities involved when a relationship is concerned. To take these on requires a skill set that exceeds the capabilities of good looks; if a serious relationship is what calls to you, you would be wrong to think looks are everything.
Do looks matter in life?
The short answer would be yes, but perhaps not in the way you might think. Some would even say looks are everything, but this is only true to some extent, because good looks are subjective; some people think looking good is only about natural features like a chiseled jaw or large, sparkling eyes, but that's untrue, as you can design your wardrobe to focus on your flattering features.
Looks matter because they provide some insight into an individual's life. It allows you to draw swift (though not always accurate) conclusions about the person, what they care about, and what personality traits they may possess.
Do good look help in life?
To truly understand this question and appreciate the answer, you must understand why looks matter. Looks matter in our everyday life because we are not cooped up all day indoors; looks matter as much as we think because we spend every day socializing with people and making new acquaintances.
It is very unlikely that a person on the face of the planet lives only by their means and does not need help from anyone. When you go grocery shopping, you would need to talk to the attendant; when you pick up your kids from school, you need to talk to someone in charge. Every facet of our daily living requires us to connect with someone else, and this is where how we look comes into play.
How you are dressed often influences how you are addressed; this is why people often go above and beyond to ensure that their looks send a professional or exciting message. In a world where we constantly contact people with whom we might not otherwise engage, the only thing that speaks for us is that first impression and your looks are a big part of that experience.
Should I go for looks or personality?
When it comes to relationships and matters of the heart, in general, it is difficult to tell people what to do or how to act. It all boils down to what you want from your relationship and doing whatever preserves that bond or makes you happy.
Your relationship might get all the engagements on social media if you and/or your partner are physically attractive, but what about life outside public perception? What is your relationship like when you are not getting likes and re-tweets on the Internet? Those are your options, and the choice is ultimately up to you.
How do you know if you have physical attraction?
Physical attractiveness is when someone is drawn to another individual for their physical features. This could be facial symmetry body proportions, among others. This is totally normal and even considered biological as this fondness makes it easy to pick out a mate and ensure gene continuity. People subconsciously attribute good health, intelligence, fertility, among other positive qualities, to people they consider physically appealing.
What do girls find unattractive about guys?
What do girls notice first in guys?
How do you know if you’re an unattractive man?
What determines a man’s attractiveness?
What do you do when you feel unattractive?
What makes a personality unattractive?
What are the signs that you’re handsome?
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