Help, I'm Not Attracted To My Partner Anymore

By: Sarah Khan

Updated October 22, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Shemya Vaughn , LPC, CRC

So, you're thinking that you don't feel that spark for your partner anymore and are wondering if there is there anything you can do about it? It's human nature for wanting that ‘spark’ between yourself and your partner. Unfortunately, with time and comfortability, the fire and passion may subside with your husband. When you do not feel sexual desire for your partner, your relationship can suffer. However, know you have the power of taking control and reignite the flame. If you are noticing a drop in the level of 'spark' with your spouse, that's something that should be addressed very soon to salvage your relationship and get it back on track.

I'm not attracted to my husband or I'm not attracted to my partner, are normal thoughts. Perhaps this “I'm not attracted to my husband” or “Not feeling attracted to partner” are new thoughts. Not feeling attracted to your husband at any point in a relationship is normal as all relationships have cycles.
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Reflect On Yourself

Often, when a person begins to notice a lack of attraction to their partner, this is indicative of some personal issue or struggle, rather than a reflection of the partner. When we are happy, we tend to have higher self-confidence and self-esteem. This is when it is easy to find our partners sexually attractive. Because we are content with ourselves, we can project these positive feelings towards attraction to our partner. When we experience feelings of stress or are feeling down on ourselves, we become distracted, and it becomes easier for us to project our insecurities onto our partner. When this happens, our partner loses their sex appeal. When we are feeling good about ourselves, we can feel good about others. If you feel attractive and desirable, it's easier to feel these emotions for your partner.

Give Each Other Space

It's tempting to spend all the time you can with your partner. This is completely natural, but over time, overexposure to your husband can contribute to your lack of sex appeal to him. When we spend a lot of time with a specific person, they tend to lose novelty to us, which can have an impact on how attractive they feel to you. Excessive intimacy can lead to anxiety. In these cases, your spouse may begin to feel more like a burden, rather than someone desirable and needed. When you give one another a chance to miss each other, you're reigniting your spark by just reminding each other that you do need and want one another.

Focus On The Positives

Over time, we may start to take our husbands for granted. We get used to their habits, their behaviors, and actions, and we don't see the novelty in them anymore. As we become comfortable with a significant other, we stop putting as much active effort into maintaining the relationship. Unfortunately, this lack of effort is often mistaken for a decrease in attraction. When we stop putting in effort, we start to think that it may be because we are not interested, rather than just becoming comfortable.

Appreciation

Rather than focusing on this negative thinking, we can choose to believe the opposite- by putting in extra effort, we should think we are doing so because we care enough to. When we flood our thoughts with positivity, we can will these feelings into existence. Feelings of appreciation for our husbands will make them seem more attractive. For example, we change the thought of "Wow, I hate when my partner leaves hair in the bathroom sink after shaving" to something more positive, such as, "Wow, I can't believe my partner still cares enough to make sure he grooms for me, my partner is showing he wants to look good for me". These small changes in though are going to snowball and have a positive impact on how attractive our husband is. If we have more positive feelings about him, we're going to feel more attracted to him.

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Get Back To The "Dating" Stage

One of the best ways for reigniting the spark between yourself and your husband is revisiting the 'honeymoon' phase. Yes, this is something better said than done, but it is definitely worth the effort. Relationships are their easiest at the beginning stages, as you and your partner are learning about one another. Everything is new, charming, and endearing. It's important not to let go of this time and keep things feeling fresh. Over time, we forget how much our partner excited us. Many of the small quirks that we loved became habits that we cannot stand. We no longer put the effort in that keeps things fun.

Rediscover the fun in your relationship. When you start to think of the 'dating' stages of your relationship, you'll notice a lot of your relationship stress starts to melt away. Work to impress your partner, to 'woo' them. Surprise them with small gifts, be romantic, and make undistracted date nights a priority. Focusing on the small things can help to find the attraction you once experienced with your husband. We often take small efforts for granted or forget them entirely, and this is where people often start to experience feelings of apathy towards their partner. To feel attraction, you need to do the work to keep things feeling new and excited. Something as simple as buying a rose for your partner shows effort, thought, and care, all of which are sexy.

Think About Losing Your Partner

This may seem a bit morbid, but this is so impactful. Take a moment to consider, "What would life be without my husband?" This thought could reignite your love to them. Think about how you would feel about your husband if this was the last time you ever had a conversation with him, saw him, or had the chance to hold him close. Would you be hurt if you never, ever got to interact with him ever again? Would you be able to move on? Would you feel content with the time you had together if there was not a single moment left?

Being aware of the fact that all things have an 'expiration date,' so to speak, will keep things in perspective. Focus on appreciating the good things about your partner, the things that you would miss if they were no longer a part of your world. Even though finding your partner's used tissues in bed may be annoying, think about how much you may miss this if there was never another opportunity for this to happen. When your mind is aware that everything is temporary, it allows you to process things differently, allowing you to find habits more endearing, more attractive.

Quality Time

It’s a bummer when you realize that you’re no longer attracted to your husband. One of the best ways to reignite the spark in your marriage is by spending quality time with your spouse. You can reignite the spark by spending some quality time with him. Attraction in a marriage comes from a place where both partners feel appreciated and wanted. It’s something that can disappear for a while and come back. You used to find your husband sexually appealing, and for the time being, you don’t. But it’s not as if the physical attraction never existed. There were times when you were attracted to your partner, and it’s likely they were when you were spending quality time with him. Think about an activity that you both like. It doesn’t have to involve sexual gratification. Maybe you both like to go for hikes. Perhaps you enjoy going to the theater. Think about something he likes, and you love seeing him enjoy it. If you pick something that he loves to do, he will feel considered, and you will see him light up. That could make him sexually appealing to you again. 

Closing the Gap Between You

When you’re not feeling attracted to your husband, it’s probably because of his actions or behaviors. He may be feeling the same way about you, and you don’t know it. Sometimes the attraction issue concerns your partner feeling taken for granted. If you or your husband, don’t feel appreciated, you may not feel that spark for one another. Just because you’re not attracted to him at this moment doesn’t mean it can’t change.

One way to solve this problem is to consider your partner's needs first. Think, "What makes my partner smile? What does my partner really need?" If you think about "What does my partner want?", he will feel happy and confident. You can go from feeling like "I don't feel attracted to my man" to "I'm feeling turned on by my partner's actions." Confidence makes you pulled to your partner. If you’re unsure about what he’d like to do, it’s okay to ask. You can say, “I want to do something fun this weekend. What do you think we could do? That puts the ball in his court to come up with an activity for the two of you.

Care About His Needs

One of the things your husband will appreciate is when you show you care about what’s important to him. He may not be able to vocalize that, but on the inside, he appreciates your attention to his needs. In a relationship, the little things matter. You know your partner more than anyone. You’ve spent a lot of time together, making beautiful memories. You understand what his passions are and what he wants out of life.

Maybe it’s:

making his favorite meal
watching a movie that he loves
doing an activity he enjoys together

There are small things you can do that can show "I care about my husband." It may seem counterintuitive to focus on him when you’re unsatisfied in the relationship, but when you appreciate him, it’s likely that he will show you that he cares also. It’s a domino effect, and you will likely see the benefits of your caring and love. When you are in-tune with what his needs are, he will love that. That goes for sexual intimacy in the bedroom. Sex can be an emotional experience where you connect with each other. When each person focuses on pleasuring each other, that can bring the spark back into the bedroom.

Focus Sexual Thoughts On Your Partner

We may start to lose our physical attraction to our partners, and that is completely normal. When you have been exposed to a single person for years, it's expected that a certain level of excitement is lost. However, that being said, we all do continue to experience sexual thoughts and feelings. Rather than focusing this energy toward pornography or individuals we pass on the street, actively focus this energy on your husband. Your mind will act consistently with your thoughts and actions. This is one of those situations where you can take control and will what you want into existence. If you want to feel sexually attracted to your husband, focus your sexual energy on him.

Want to Reignite the Flame But Don't Know How?
We're Here To Answer Them - Speak With A Licensed Relationship Expert Today.

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Spice up your sex life with your partner. Rather than masturbating to pornography, imagine or think of your husband. Make sexy videos together that you can watch at your leisure (privately!). Your mind and thoughts can be conditioned, so if you're feeling unattracted to your husband, start exposing yourself to sexual thoughts and imagery of him. You will condition your arousal response to the image of your husband, and this will greatly help reignite attraction.

Cycles

We want to emphasize that it is completely normal to experience fluctuation in the levels of attraction you feel towards your husband. Life happens, and it's not always going to feel like the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Remaining attracted to your partner takes work, just like all other aspects of the relationship. Both parties need to actively decide to take the steps necessary to keep the partnership feeling new and exciting. It's also important to address any dips in emotional or sexual attraction as soon as possible to avoid long term struggles.

Communication

Communication is key if you are trying to rekindle sexual attraction. Talk to your partner, make them aware of your struggles, and discuss how you can both help one another feel attracted to one another. This is a team effort, and keeping each other in the loop will give you the best chances of success. Make one another aware of what is lacking and come up with a plan for both of you to work towards overcoming these hurdles.

Therapy

If you are struggling with experiencing thoughts of "Not attracted to my partner", licensed marriage therapists are more than happy to help you get back on track towards having a happy and healthy relationship. Get started on your road towards rediscovering your spark here: https://www.regain.us/start/.

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