How often do you and your partner fight? Whether it’s something little or something major, are you fighting every week? Every day? Multiple times per day? If that sounds like you, then you probably already have what’s considered an unhealthy relationship. But if you or your partner gets violent, emotionally abusive, or neglectful, your unhealthy relationship may have reached the point that serious intervention is needed. These are things that you and your partner can work on, but both of you need to be willing to put in the time and effort to fix an unhealthy relationship.
What Is an Unhealthy Relationship?
Well, the truth is there are a lot of things that can define an unhealthy relationship. The short answer is that if you or your partner are not happy in the relationship the way it is right now, it’s unhealthy. That does not mean that either one of you is doing anything wrong. The long answer is a bit more complicated because many things could make your relationship unhealthy. Some common factors include:
Keep in mind that couples do fight and argue. Talking and debating issues are something that happens in healthy relationships. Still, if you and your partner seem to get nowhere when it comes to resolving problems, that is an unhealthy aspect of your relationship. It is also something that you need to work on.
How to Fix an Unhealthy Relationship
Step One: Communicate with Your Partner
Many people tend to skip over this step. For one, the advice ‘communicate with your partner’ sounds like a cliché. Common responses to this suggestion include:
There a couple of things wrong with the bullets above. For one, communication is not just about talking. A significant part of communicating involves listening.
When we are upset, angry, frustrated, sad, fill in the ______, it can be challenging to get our needs across. It is even harder to listen to our partner’s response. If they say something we don’t agree with, we tend to shut down.
But for unhealthy patterns to start, true communication must begin. Having someone trained in communication as a therapist can be a huge support in this stage. But there are ways to improve the way you communicate with your partner on your own. These include:
It is important to note that some unhealthy behaviors are so damaging that merely talking about them would be unlikely to make a difference. If you are being abused in any way, whether it be physically, verbally, or emotionally, it is best to talk to someone you can trust and making a plan to separate from the relationship until you two can pinpoint the core issues/get professional help. Staying in a violent or toxic situation that is affecting you physically or mentally is never recommended.
Step Two: Pinpoint the Issues
The second step in figuring out how to fix a healthy relationship is pinpointing the core issues. Sometimes this happens during open, honest communication. Other times, you may not realize that what you’re doing is hurting your partner or where the behaviors are coming from. If you don’t know what the problem is, there’s no way that you can fix it, right? That’s true for your partner too.
Sometimes we incorrectly assume that every issue is ‘about us’ when it could be something much deeper. This was the case for Megan and Mike.
Megan and Mike’s Story:
Megan met mike three years ago at a local bar. They hit it off right away and started dating quickly. Just a few months in, the two were inseparable. It was like a fairy tale. About a year and a half into the relationship, things began to change. Megan was in her last year of college and working a lot more. She and Mike began to fight about the lack of quality time and weekend trips to the bar.
Although Mike had never given her any reason to believe that he was unfaithful, Megan became more and more jealous and controlling. This only pushed Mike further away. He used to enjoy spending time with Megan, but now it seemed like their fun evenings had morphed into constant accusations. The more she complained about him going to the bar with his friends, the more he wanted to be there! Finally, Megan suggested that they see a therapist. Mike agreed, and they started couple’s counseling through ReGain.
During their therapy sessions, the counselor helped Megan and Mike understand themselves better. Megan opened up about her childhood and how her father, an alcoholic, had frequently cheated on her mother with women he met at a bar. Unknowingly, Megan would project the feelings she had about her father and his affairs onto Mike.
Mike, an only child, was raised by his mother. He recounted stories of instances in which he had to be responsible for his mother’s feelings and how difficult this was for him at times. Megan’s constant accusations brought up that same helpless feeling from childhood. This caused him to detach from Megan instead of reassuring her.
Step Three: Seek Professional Help
Through therapy, the couple was able to pinpoint unhealthy relationship patterns. The counselor also helped Megan and Mike develop ways to deal with childhood triggers and communicate their needs more healthily. By getting counseling, you and your partner can figure out what you’re doing, and you can start working on fixing things more quickly.
Talking with a therapist or counselor can help both you and your partner feel a little more comfortable and safer. This idea may seem strange. You might be wondering how adding another person into your conversations would make it more comfortable to talk about personal problems in your relationship,
But keep in mind that therapists are trained in helping couples figure out how to fix an unhealthy relationship. They are also skilled communicators that can help keep you on topic and keep you from falling into an argument by encouraging healthy and meaningful discussion instead. This will help you understand what’s going wrong and what’s going right, as well as how to improve.
Counselors also have a ‘toolbox of skills that they can teach you to work on yourself and with your partner. Remember Megan from above? Her therapist taught her breathing techniques and a way to shift her perception when she started to worry about Mike cheating. The therapist also showed Mike how to reassure Megan and avoid arguments through the communication of needs.
Your Next Counselor
It is not always easy to find a great counselor for working on your problems, but it is possible. The important thing is making sure you’re exhausting all your options. You don’t want to settle on just anyone. If you and your partner don’t feel comfortable, you won’t be completely open, which will cause problems with your success. ReGain is one way that you can help that process because there are plenty of therapists and counselors available to help you, and they all talk to you online, in the comfort of your own home.
This is an especially good option if your partner is iffy on therapy or has a work schedule that would make getting to an office difficult. Putting your needs first and doing whatever it takes to get help is the only way to fix an unhealthy relationship truly. Therapy can be a key part of that.
Counselor Reviews
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
How do you heal an unhealthy relationship?
Healing a toxic relationship takes time, work, and a commitment from each of you to do your part. To fix a toxic relationship, you both need to learn and practice good communication skills. Dealing with bad relationships is hard, and when you give your relationship some needed attention, things can get better between the two of you.
As you communicate with each other, you may discover the reasons behind your toxic behaviors. And if you work with a couples' therapist, they can help you uncover and sort out past issues that prevent each of you from being your most loving selves. You can learn to practice empathy with each other and reconnect on both physical and emotional levels. By dealing with the challenges in your relationship, you can turn a bad relationship into a good relationship in time. Then, once you have a healthy relationship, you can set goals for yourself to reach your ideals of the most healthy relationship of all.
What are 3 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship?
There are many, many signs one might list that point to a bad relationship. Here are three signs that are common in bad relationships.
Can toxic relationships be fixed?
Yes, bad relationships can sometimes be fixed if both people are willing to change. Often, what happens is that one partner wants to fix a toxic relationship by demanding that their partner does all the changing. However, if you truly want to improve your relationship, you need to look within and your partner to solve your problems as a couple.
The good news is that you can have a healthy relationship if you both work at it. A counselor is trained to know the hallmarks of healthy relationships and assist you in learning the skills needed to develop a healthy relationship. Your therapist will support you and guide you as you explore the reasons for your bad relationship – even if those reasons started when you were a child. It won't be easy, and the worse your relationship is, the more work it will take. But the bottom line is you might be able to fix a bad relationship if you are both committed to it.
How do you reset your relationship?
Most people with bad relationships wish that they could start over with a healthy relationship. But that's not really something you can do. You need to work through your issues by learning how to communicate your needs and express your feelings in healthy ways.
However, in a sense, you can reset your relationship. To do so, you need to do something significantly different from what you are doing now. Perhaps the best option is to talk to a couples' counselor. This shakes things up a bit by putting you in a new situation with a new helper who can work with you in new ways to fix a toxic relationship.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship interferes with your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Like a toxic poison, it eats away the good. But in the case of a toxic relationship, what it eats away is your self-esteem, your sense of security, and your loving feelings towards your partner. That's why it's so important to fix a toxic relationship as soon as possible. Otherwise, you may become severely depressed, anxious, or suffer from other mental health challenges. And when that happens, your physical health will almost certainly deteriorate as well.
But even though it might not seem possible, you can have a healthy relationship. By working with a counselor, you can develop a better life and relationships that build you up rather than tear you down.
Can a toxic person change?
Yes, they can. However, to do so, there has to be some catalyst for change – some event, situation, or even a thought that helps them realize they are toxic and want to change.
Anytime you are trying to fix a toxic relationship, you have to consider that one or both of you might be toxic. So, during therapy, you will be more likely to meet your relationship goals if you both explore the possibility you might be a toxic person. Then, if you discover that you are toxic, there are things you can do to become healthier and more loving. And your therapist can help you with that!
How can I make my relationship healthy?
Your willingness to work on your relationship is an excellent first step to building a healthy relationship. Now, get ready for some work. You will need to learn to communicate more effectively, develop greater trust with each other, express your feelings in appropriate and unharmful ways, and practice empathy and compassion for each other. With your couples' counselor by your side, the two of you can create a better relationship that is healthy, strong, and satisfying.