Why Does My Husband Hate Me? Dealing With A Toxic Spouse

By: Mary Elizabeth Dean

Updated November 18, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Karen Devlin, LPC

"No one should ever feel like their partner hates them. Marriage is about two people supporting each other through the highs and lows of life. If your husband is treating you poorly, you can try to work on finding your voice. Finding your voice allows you to make choices that both protect and advance your life. Contrary to how it sounds, finding your voice does not mean having verbal confrontations." - Aaron Horn LMFT

If you are dealing with a toxic spouse, you might be thinking, "Why does my husband hate me?" The negativity in your relationship can contribute to low self-esteem. If you find yourself at the end of your rope when dealing with toxicity, there are many things you can do to deal with an unfair spouse.

Accept Your Circumstances

The first step to take if you hope to deal with the toxicity in your marriage is acceptance. This means recognizing the negative behavior and calling it what it is. We may let the love we have for our spouse blind us to the truth. You might make excuses for your spouse, blaming a rough childhood or a bad day at work for their behavior. However, your loved one deserves your respect and time. If they are not giving you the same amount of respect, you are more than right to want something better.

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You are not the only one who will need acceptance to move forward. Your spouse may benefit from recognizing their behavior. The best way to facilitate this is by speaking up. Any time you notice the toxic behavior, try telling them. You may consider creating a nonjudgmental atmosphere so that you and your spouse can comfortably talk about anything the two of you want.

Once both of you admit the issue and work together to fix it, nothing can stop you. That is why it is so important to get on the same page sooner rather than later.

Don't Beat Yourself Up

Having thoughts like "Why does my husband hate me?" is probably not something you anticipated when you committed to marrying them. For instance, over the first couple of years, your spouse may appear to be something they are not. If it does appear that they are not the person you thought you fell in love with, then you may come to blame yourself for their behavior.

It is important to realize in these moments that your spouse's behavior is not your fault.

If you believe that your spouse's behavior involves any form of abuse, please understand that their behavior is not your fault. You can reach out to useful sources, such as National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Your partner may cause you to believe that you are the reason for their behavior, but that's not true. If you find yourself in this situation, remind yourself that you cannot control how they behave. All their behaviors are ultimately their own.

On the other hand, you might feel that you should have done something to fix your relationship. However, simply by accepting your current situation, you are already doing enough for your mental health. No recovery process is easy, and there is a certain degree of failure that we would all experience. If you allow your doubts to get in the way of your growth, you may have a difficult time trying to move forward.

Grant yourself a little grace, especially when you feel as chaotic as ever. The path that you have chosen in your relationship is long and might seem impossible at times. If you can keep your head up and walk the road, though, it will be well worth it in the end.

Keep Your Loved Ones Close

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Because the path you are walking is so difficult, try to keep your loved ones in your corner. A toxic marriage may put a wedge between a partner and their support system. For example, maybe you isolate yourself from the ones that love you to hide your spouse's behavior. Marriage problems might cause depression in some, which can also be a reason for isolation.

No matter how difficult it is, you must try to maintain healthy relationships in your life. Positive and encouraging people in our lives can help us to thrive. You deserve a healthy relationship to lean on if you hope to heal from your toxic one. Healthy interaction will recharge you, which will help you deal with the issues at home.

It can also be helpful to have someone to lean on while you are dealing with your marriage. If you have gotten this far, you will already know how tough it is. Having a person to talk to or a shoulder to cry on will be paramount in your success. You will need to have a healthy outlet for all your emotions, and the people who love you are the best ones to help.

Stay Calm

A toxic spouse may berate and hurt you. It can be tempting in these situations to reciprocate this behavior. But, retaliation may stir up more negativity. Rather, try to be as kind and compassionate toward yourself as possible.

If you find yourself in a toxic situation, take a minute to breathe. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing until you feel yourself calm down. Try not to engage with your spouse at all until you are in a clear headspace. Any negative interaction that you allow can instantly destroy any progress that you have made.

Encourage your spouse to try to stay calm as well. If you notice the mood in the room changes to something negative, call attention to it. Consider suggesting your spouse leaves for a moment to collect themselves. Even though you are not the cause of their anger, you can be their support. If you maintain a supportive capacity and avoid berating or blaming him, you will have a much better chance of success.

Many people may try to avoid upsetting their spouse at their own emotional cost. The goal is to remain genuine and expressive but to do it in a way that isn't abrasive. You should not have to feel that you censor yourself for the sake of your partner's satisfaction. You should be able to express your thoughts and emotions in a relationship without fear.

Consider Separation

Sometimes, even the most dedicated couples struggle with fixing their issues. No matter how hard you try, you might find yourself in the same spot. If you can't shake the thought — "Why does my husband hate me?"— it may be time to consider a more radical approach.

This would be a time to consider other options. For starters, think about making an appointment with a marriage attorney to discuss these. If you do not want to end the relationship, there is no need to at this point. However, a separation could be a good option for you. Giving your partner space and some time to think independently could be the key to solving your problems.

Should you choose this route, ensure that you are committed to it. If you were to return too early, you risk going back to square one. You want to make sure that you apply this option for long enough that you both get the full benefit. On the other hand, if you continue this way for too long, you could harm the relationship if you do not communicate with your partner about your intentions.

It must be made clear ahead of time the goals of the separation. This may not work if one or the other feels abandoned or given up on. Sitting with these emotions will only cause further hurt and resentment; thus, you need to share your emotions, even if it may seem difficult to.

Know When To Call It Quits

Relationships require love along with hard work, and commitment. If the behavior never stops and it's affecting your life negatively, it may be time to walk away.

For many, this is one of the most difficult decisions to make. You have spent years building your life and love with your partner, so why would you want to leave? The answer is simple: put yourself first. You deserve to live a life free of the stress and worry a toxic relationship brings. It may be difficult and painful at first, but the long-term results will be well worth it. You are entitled to a relationship where you don't have to ask, "Why does my husband hate me?"

If you have children, consider them. Don't just think of their life without a parental figure; think of the example they set for them. You want your children to grow up and have healthy and happy relationships. Thus, set a good example for them by showing your children you are acting civil in separating from your loved one. It is most important that you consider this when deciding if it is time to end the relationship.

Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

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Consult a Counselor

Even if you feel like all hope is lost, a licensed counselor could be the answer to a happy marriage. The methods you will exercise in therapy will be specially tailored for you and your marriage, allowing for a much larger success rate.

The licensed professional counselors at ReGain can help with your toxic marriage. They can help you answer the question, "Why does my husband hate me?" or "Why does my husband get angry over small things?" Then, you can work with the counselor to tailor a treatment plan that is perfect for you and your spouse.

The best part is, the ReGain platform is available online so that you can log in to your therapy sessions right from your living room. If you are ready to get help, don't wait another minute. Log on and get the help you need today!


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