Why Does My Husband Hate Me? Dealing With A Toxic Spouse
Updated November 28, 2019
Reviewer Karen Devlin, LPC
When you are dealing with a toxic spouse, you might be thinking, "Why does my husband hate me?" The negativity in your relationship is likely causing you emotional strength and sadness. If you find yourself at the end of your rope when dealing with toxicity, there are many things you can do to deal with a toxic spouse.
Accept Your Circumstances
The first step to take if you hope to deal with the toxicity in your marriage is acceptance. This means recognizing the negative behavior and calling it what it is. Too often, we let the love we have for our spouse blind us to the truth. You might make excuses for your spouse, blaming a rough childhood or a bad day at work for their behavior. The truth is, there is no excuse for treating someone you love badly.
You are not the only one that will need acceptance to move forward. Your spouse will also need to recognize his behavior. The best way to facilitate this is by speaking up. Any time you notice the toxic behavior, tell him. Make sure you do this calmly and politely. The last thing you want to do is make your spouse feel cornered. That will only further your problems.
When the two of you admit the issue and work together to fix it, nothing can stop you. That is why it is so important to get on the same page sooner rather than later.
Don't Beat Yourself Up
Having thoughts like "Why does my husband hate me?" is probably not something you anticipated when you committed to marrying him. Most couples report that toxic behavior wasn't always present in the relationship. Normally, over the first couple of years, your spouse appears to be something he is not. When his true colors show, you might feel bad about yourself for missing or putting up with it.
It is important to realize in these moments that your spouse's behavior is not your fault. Toxic people are toxic by design, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Your partner may cause you to believe that you are the reason for their behavior, but that's not true. If you find yourself in this situation, remind yourself that you couldn't force him to act this way. All his behaviors are ultimately his own.
On the other hand, you might feel bad about your failure to fix the toxicity. You might have agreed to work on your relationship, only to stumble or fall on the way. This is a normal and healthy part of growth. No recovery process is easy, and there is a certain degree of failure that we would all experience. If you allow your doubts to get in the way of your growth, you will find yourself in the same situations over and over.
Grant yourself a little grace, especially when you feel as chaotic as ever. The path that you have chosen in your relationship is long and might seem impossible at times. If you can keep your head up and walk the road, though, it will be well worth it in the end.
Keep Your Loved Ones Close
Because the path you are walking is so difficult, keep your loved ones in your corner. Your toxic marriage has likely put a wedge between you and your support system. Maybe you isolate yourself from the ones that love you to hide your spouse's behavior. Marriage problems also tend to cause depression in some, which can also be a reason for isolation.
No matter how difficult it is, you must try to maintain healthy relationships in your life. We need positive and encouraging people in our lives to thrive. Humans are social creatures that crave love and affection. In this case, you need a healthy relationship to lean on if you hope to heal your toxic one. Healthy interaction will recharge you, which will, in turn, help you to deal with the issues at home.
It can also be helpful to have someone to lean on while you are dealing with your marriage. If you have gotten this far, you will know already how tough it is. Having a person to talk or a shoulder to cry on will be paramount in your success. You will need to have a healthy outlet for all your emotions, and the people that love you are the best ones to help.
A toxic spouse will often berate and hurt you. It can be tempting in these situations to reciprocate this behavior. The only thing this will do is stir up more negativity within. The healing process suffers from the built-up resentment or hates in your heart.
The next time you find yourself in a toxic situation, take a minute to breathe. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing until you feel yourself calm down. Make sure that you don't engage with your spouse at all until you are in a clear headspace. Any negative interaction that you allow can instantly destroy any progress that you have made.
Encourage your spouse to try to stay calm as well. If you notice the mood in the room begins to go south, call attention to it. Suggest that your spouse leaves for a moment to collect himself. Even though you are not the cause of his anger, you can be his support. If you maintain a supportive capacity and avoid berating or blaming him, you will have a much better chance for success.
Don't confuse this solution with walking on eggshells. Many people do all they can to avoid upsetting their spouse, at their own emotional cost. The goal is to remain genuine and expressive but to do it in a way that isn't abrasive. You should never censor yourself for the sake of your partner's satisfaction. You should be able to express your thoughts and emotions in a relationship without fear.
Sometimes, even the most dedicated and in-love couple struggles with fixing their issues. No matter how hard you try, you might find yourself in the same spot. If you can't shake the thought - "Why does my husband hate me?", it may be time to consider a more radical approach.
This would be a time to consider other options. Make an appointment with a marriage attorney to discuss these. If you do not want to end the relationship, there is no need to at this point. However, a separation could be a good option for you. Giving your partner space and some time to think independently could be the key to solving your problems.
Should you choose this route, ensure that you are committed to it. If you were to return too early, you risk going back to square one. You want to make sure that you apply this option for long enough that you both get the full benefit. On the other hand, if you continue this way for too long, you could damage your relationship further.
It must be made clear ahead of time the goals of the separation. This won't work if one or the other feels abandoned or given up on. Sitting with these emotions will only cause further hurt and resentment, which damages the relationship further in the long run.
Know When To Call It Quits
Love isn't always enough to maintain a relationship. If the behavior never stops and it's affecting your life negatively, it may be time to walk away.
For many, this is one of the most difficult decisions to make. You have spent years building your life and love with your partner, so why would you want to leave? The answer is simple: put yourself first. You deserve to live a life free of the stress and worry a toxic relationship brings. It may be difficult and painful at first, but the long term results will be well worth it. You are entitled to a relationship where you don't have to ask, "Why does my husband hate me?"
If you have children, consider them. Don't just think of their life without a dad; think of the example he sets for them. You want your children to grow up and have healthy and happy relationships. If you model a toxic marriage as they grow, that is what they will seek as adults. It is most important that you consider this when deciding if it is time to end the relationship.
Consult a Counselor
Even if you feel like all hope is lost, a licensed counselor could be the answer to a happy marriage. The methods you will exercise in therapy will be specially tailored for you and your marriage, allowing for a much larger rate of success.
The licensed professional counselors at ReGain can help with your toxic marriage. They can help you answer the question, "Why does my husband hate me?" or "Why does my husband get angry over small things?" Then, they can tailor a treatment plan that is perfect for you and your spouse.
The best part is, the Regain platform is available online so that you can log in to your therapy sessions right from your living room. If you are ready to get help, don't wait another minute. Log on and get the help you need today!