How To Recognize A Dysfunctional Relationship—And What To Do If You're In One

No one wants to think of themselves being in a dysfunctional relationship, but unfortunately, sometimes dysfunction can creep up on us. Although it’s perfectly normal to have the occasional fight or argument, some relationships reach a point where the negative aspects outweigh the positives. And in those cases, it’s important to be aware of some common hallmarks of dysfunctional relationships so you can know when it’s time to leave. So, how can you tell if you’re in a dysfunctional relationship? Let’s take a look at a few common red flags and what you can do about them. Then we can avoid them and improve on our #lifegoals.

Is your relationship dysfunctional?

First and foremost, it is important to distinguish dysfunctional from troubled, strained, challenged, or any other negative term you might use to describe experiencing a downturn or "rough patch." All couples have their difficulties. Whether you are still in your first six weeks or celebrating your 20th anniversary, you and your partner will be learning about each other and yourselves through this relationship. When two people grow together and progressively open up to one another, there is inevitable friction.

Friction, in turn, can often lead to conflict. But that’s not to say that all conflict is inherently bad. Although no one likes to fight, the reality is that couples who talk through their issues often have healthier relationships than those who keep their emotions bottled up. Sometimes, in the course of a fight, you and your partner might say upsetting things, but you may also be able to use that fight to work through the issues that are bothering you. So, if your fights are more helpful and constructive than hurtful and aggressive, there’s a good chance that your relationship is not dysfunctional. In fact, you and your partner may even benefit from the occasional fight!

But the context—and results—of your fights are important. So, if you and your partner are fighting constantly without achieving positive results that improve your relationship, this may be a sign that you’re experiencing unhealthy and unhelpful levels of conflict in your relationship. In the next section, we’ll explore this topic in more detail and learn about constructive ways to handle conflict. In some cases, it’s possible that you and your partner aren’t dysfunctional; you just might not have the right tools to successfully work through conflict. And, fortunately, that can be easily fixed.

How to address conflict

Simply put, arguments should be in the name of solving the problem, not winning. Challenges to the peace of your relationship are issues that you can address together to find a solution/compromise. Healthy couples see the challenge as "us vs. the problem." Dysfunctional couples see the challenge as "me vs you." The focus is on determining blame.

How often do you clash?

Conflict emerges over issues big and small, and sometimes, it can come up almost constantly. Assessing a relationship by a bad day, week, or even month may be shortsighted. Do you have more happy memories together than negative ones? When you think of your partner, is it a happy, even thrilling thoughts, or is it stressed and scared? Experts say a healthy ratio is much more heavily weighted towards positive experiences.

How intense are your arguments?

Even healthy couples can have intense fights. Arguments can spin out of control for even the most affectionate people. For healthy, couples, however, this is the exception rather than the rule. If you are approaching your arguments with a focus on solving the problem and loving each other, then it is easier to avoid escalation. Conversely, if most of your arguments ramp into screaming matches with mean-spirited verbal attacks on the other person, then every fight has the potential to end things, and it can become difficult to even talk about tense topics.

What are you each getting from the relationship?

There is no right answer to this question. What draws people together and keeps them together is an endless sea of possibility, and saying one is healthy, and one is not is entirely subjective. However, whatever your reasons, they should be positive motivations to stay, not incentives to leave. If the only reason you are still together is out of fear, resignation, depression, or something similarly negative, you may be in a non-functional relationship.

Why do people stay in dysfunctional relationships?

It can seem crazy that anyone would even think of staying in a relationship that is even partially like the one described above. Constant intense fights that turn into screaming matches? A pervading sense of fear or sadness, keeping you from moving towards a better life? The sense that your partner is an adversary, not a supporter? This all sounds awful!

It is awful, but it's also much more common than we like to admit. There are many reasons why people stay in relationships that, from the outside, can look desperately unpleasant.

You don't think there's anything wrong

Our perspective on what makes a good relationship is determined by how we were raised and our experiences. If you grew up in a house where "love" equaled constant criticism, then being with someone who judges your every action may seem normal. If your standard for affection is minor gifts at the holidays surrounded by abuse and contempt, then you may count yourself lucky when you find something even slightly better.

You focus on what you love

Glossing over your partner's foibles is nothing new. Everyone prefers to see the best in the people they love and—to an extent—that’s okay. But this can become problematic if you are willfully blind to toxic and detrimental aspects of your partner’s character and behavior. Bad habits and negative character traits are common in people, but, if your partner is having an intensely negative impact on your relationship and you are struggling as a result, it may be time to take a cold, hard look at the reality of who they are and how they are impacting your relationship. 

You don't feel like you have an alternative

Non-functional relationships are painful. Breakups, loneliness, and starting over with someone new can seem even worse. When people truly believe that they can do better, they are more likely to try to get there. But if they think that the alternative is worse, they are much more likely to stick it out, no matter how bad it gets.

Your partner is pressuring you to stay

Manipulation takes many forms. If your partner is saying or doing things that make you feel pressured to stay in the relationship, it can be incredibly difficult to get out and make the right choice for yourself. So, if your partner is using threats of physical violence, desperate crying and pleading, or verbal and emotional abuse, it’s important for you to know that none of these things are okay. And if you’re afraid that your partner may harm you if you try to leave, you don’t have to deal with this alone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 and you can call for help at any time if you don’t feel safe.

You feel like leaving is failure

The sunk cost fallacy is a truth across all spectrums of human existence, and relationships are no different. When we have put a significant amount of time and energy into something, it becomes harder and harder to walk away. Quitting after trying so hard feels like you would be throwing away everything you put in. We would rather keep trying than admit defeat.

You don't know what you want

As if human psychology wasn't complicated enough, we all can be simultaneously competing for thoughts and feelings. Negative feelings/thoughts can be challenged by positive thoughts/feelings. You love their humor, but you hate their messiness. You love the stability, but you hate the stress. When we can't settle with confidence in one place or another, we tend to do nothing.

Common signs of an unhealthy relationship

As we stated at the beginning, what it means to be dysfunctional is highly varied and depends a great deal on things like how often and how intensely things happen, and what your internal experience is like. Some people thrive in relationships with a little tension, and some people are fine with little to no expressions of affection.

What determines whether the following attributes are truly dysfunctional is similar to diagnosing a legitimate psychological condition vs. having some bad habits. If you believe that you exhibit a troubling number of these characteristics and they show up very strongly, it may be worth looking at working on your relationship.

• A lot of grudges/tension/anxiety
• Constant apologizing from either person
• Fights and general bad moments outweigh good ones
• Arguments escalate quickly
• Relationship leads to growing distance from support network
• Feels like you vs. your partner rather than you as a team
• Intimacy you crave (physical, emotional, etc.) is lacking and declining
• Fear and violence
• One or both partners are disloyal
• General feeling of hopelessness or resignation

What do you do if your relationship is dysfunctional?

First, a caveat. The following section is to provide some general steps and strategies for working towards fixing or ending a non-functional relationship. However, if you are in an abusive or threatening situation, you should not be worried about attempting collaborative repair. No one is allowed to abuse their partner, and if you are experiencing abuse, the first and possibly the only step needs to be getting yourself out of there. Whatever support network you have, draw on them to escape, then start dealing with any other issues.

If you have determined your relationship is dysfunctional, as crazy as it sounds, you should breathe a sigh of relief. Up to now, you have likely been struggling without even realizing it. You were probably telling yourself that it wasn't as bad you thought, feeling stressed without knowing why, and unnecessarily enduring loneliness. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. As we just discussed, admitting your relationship is dysfunctional is no easy task, so well done on getting there.

Next, you should focus on maintaining that level of self-awareness moving forward. Part of the reason dysfunction develops is that we deny or ignore our feelings. Thus, the way we combat dysfunction is by clearly stating what we want and taking steps to get there. This will help maintain confidence as you move through the hard work ahead. Do not let the sunk cost fallacy hold you back. Whatever time and energy you've invested is already gone. The best you can do now is not waste more of your life.

That self-awareness should turn into clear and direct communication and establishing boundaries. When you learn that your relationship is dysfunctional, your partner should know that too. If repair is even possible, you both need to be involved. Whether or not you can work together, or if it is even safe to do so, is a large part of whether your relationship is salvageable.

Clear communication needs to outline the problems clearly. This may be just for you to clearly understand all the reasons why the relationship isn't working, and you need to end it. It may be for telling your partner all the things that need to change. Whoever it's for, someone needs a clear explanation of all the ways the relationship doesn't work.

That may include your support network, which you should reach out to—friends, family, even trusted coworkers, whatever backup you can get would make this process much easier. In all likelihood, someone in your life has known that your relationship is a problem and is eager to help get you out.

Finally, understand that this is going to take time and will be a struggle. For whatever reason, you have endured a pain unnecessarily. Just because you now know exactly what the problem is and that you don't want to accept it doesn't mean that changing things will be easy. Give yourself time to process your confusion and doubts, but do so from the clear acknowledgment that wherever you go next, you can't stay where you are.

Unhealthy relationships: Hard to spot, hard to change

Nobody likes being in painful relationships, yet still, they happen all the time. Nobody likes having to confront and do the hard work of changing negative circumstances, but the payoff is high. If you believe that your relationship is dysfunctional, you owe it to yourself to seriously investigate whether that's true and take steps if so. We hope this article has given you some of the tools to do that. When it comes to dealing with relationship issues, the help of a professional is invaluable. Counselors like the ones online at Regain can give you the tools and perspective to know what your problems, how bad they are, and how to respond. Even more important, they can help you stay on track towards a better future as you start taking action. Online therapy has been proven to be as effective as in-person counseling, while typically offering greater affordability and convenience.

Takeaway

Love is complicated, and what draws people together is highly variable. Every relationship has challenges, and no one is truly "perfect" for someone else. When the good times start to outweigh the bad, when every fight is a blowout, and when you feel alone as part of a couple, it's ok to think you deserve better.