The Most Important Questions To Address In Couples Therapy
Relationship counseling tends to be a learning process. Many of the difficulties that arise between loving partners are rooted in the things they don’t know or understand about each other — or themselves. The process of repairing and improving your relationship may involve uncovering things that have gone unrecognized in your life together. You may want to prepare for this process by considering the big questions you’ll have to confront in couples therapy.
You may need to ask some of these questions to better understand your loved one’s needs and emotions. Others might be best directed at yourself, to clarify what you’re really looking for from your partner.
How to ask questions in couples therapy
Research into couples therapy suggests that unhealthy communication styles can be a major factor in relationship dissatisfaction. As such, knowing the right questions may not be enough unless you ask and answer them in the right way.
Avoid pointed questions
Do you really want to know the answer to what you’re asking, or are you simply trying to shame or criticize your partner? If it’s the latter, it may be better to set it aside.
Don’t be defensive
At the same time, you may need to give your partner the benefit of the doubt when listening to their questions and answers. The things you learn during relationship counseling may be painful, but responding defensively could make things worse.
Be prepared to learn something new
When you’re asking important questions, it’s usually best not to assume you already know the answers. Couples therapists say that the biggest difficulties in their clients’ relationships are often deeply hidden, sometimes rooted in suppressed trauma or unconscious preconceptions. It can be crucial to keep an open mind, recognizing that you may still have lots to discover about the person you love.
Answer honestly but respectfully
Honestly discussing even negative thoughts and emotions can be critical to the success of couples therapy. At the same time, you should probably avoid doing so in a contemptuous or hostile way. Remember that the goal is for the two of you to build a loving, mutually supportive connection.
With all that in mind, what are the key questions you should be addressing in couples therapy?
#1: What are you hoping to achieve?
It might seem like the obvious answer is “to fix our relationship”. But what exactly do you mean by that? Different couples may have different ideas about what a thriving relationship looks like. And your partner’s view of what’s not working may have little resemblance to yours.
Getting these goals and possible disagreements out in the open at the beginning can be an important step in the couples therapy process. Couples counseling often functions best when it’s working on specific problems. This helps you avoid bouncing aimlessly from one quarrel to the next instead of digging deep into the major sources of discord in your relationship.
Even if you don’t see eye to eye about which problems are most pressing, you can take that disagreement as a starting point. Studies suggest that when couples can get on the same page about what to work on in therapy, their engagement and outcomes are better.
#2: How much are you willing to change to make things work?
This question might not have a simple answer. However, it’s probably important to at least give it some thought before you proceed, because it may help you get in the right mindset for counseling.
#3: When was the last time you were happy as a couple?
If you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, chances are that at some point that relationship made you feel fulfilled, excited, and hopeful. Thinking back to that time can achieve two things:
- By recalling the good times, you may be reminded of what drew you to your loved one and what you appreciate about them.
- By noting when things became strained, you might be able to identify what’s changed — was it a financial disruption? The stresses of parenthood? The loss of a hobby that used to bring you together?
The idea isn’t to mourn what you’ve lost but to take stock of your journey together and figure out how you got here. Keep in mind that, once again, your partner’s answer may differ from yours. This can also give you some insight into what they value from the relationship and what they feel is lacking.
#4: What behavior of mine do you wish I would change?
You probably won’t enjoy learning the answer to this one, but working on a damaged relationship is rarely painless. One of the advantages of dealing with your differences in couples therapy is that both parties have a space where they can talk about their feelings honestly. It’s often important to allow your partner to let you know how your words, actions, and attitudes are affecting them.
This doesn’t mean you need to accept every request they make without question. It may turn out that your partner is asking for something unreasonable or that interpreting your behavior in an overly negative light. But you may never have the opportunity to clarify those misunderstandings if you’re not willing to hear what the other person is thinking.
#5: What do you need from me that you’re not getting?
This is similar to the previous question, except that instead of asking what you can do less of, you’re asking what you can do more of. Neglect can be as damaging to love as hostility.
Does your partner feel ignored? Have they gotten the impression that you’re not interested in their accomplishments or that you’re unwilling to stand up for them? You may not be able to restore the bond between you until you know what they think is missing.
#6: Have either or both of you been unfaithful?
For some couples, this may be the hardest topic of all to tackle. Infidelity can leave the betrayed party feeling duped, disrespected, and rejected. It can be a major blow to their self-esteem or provoke intense anger. In many cases, it can call the entire relationship into question, casting doubt on whether the cheating partner was ever fully committed.
Despite all this, infidelity does not necessarily mean there’s no hope for reconciliation. That’s why this question, difficult as it is, can be so important to address. If infidelity is kept secret, the likelihood of splitting up appears to drop to 20% or lower.
#7: How does your partner give and receive love?
A research paper from 2022 presented compelling evidence for the idea that different people may have different “love languages”. One person may tend to show love by finding ways to help their partner and make their life easier, while another may find it more natural to give thoughtful gifts or words of praise and affection.
This can also apply to being on the receiving end. Certain people may find it easier to feel loved when their partner displays physical closeness and affection, while others might find quality time together more meaningful. Learning your partner’s love language can help you do a better job of communicating how much they mean to you. It may also open your eyes to the various ways they’re expressing love toward you.
Online therapy can help you get the conversation started
Going to couples therapy can take place over the Internet as well as in person, and clients often find this option much more convenient. Finding the right therapist can be faster when you can look beyond your immediate area, and scheduling sessions may be easier when you can attend them from your couch. If you’ve been putting off relationship counseling because of the inconvenience, it may be time to start looking online. Therapists often caution that waiting too long to address your challenges in therapy can make resolution harder.
Internet-based couples therapy is frequently quite effective. A 2020 study noted that the majority of participants found the experience beneficial, including many who doubted whether the online approach could work for them. Quite a few even said that talking with their therapist remotely gave them “a greater sense of control and comfort” that made it easier to develop a good working relationship.
Takeaway
A clear diagnosis of what’s affecting the health of your relationship can greatly enhance the healing process. As such, it can be important to find honest answers to questions about topics like treatment goals, unspoken feelings, unfulfilled needs, and infidelity. Shedding light on these issues may reveal what needs to change for your partnership to grow stronger.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What questions do they ask in premarital counseling?
The most popular questions in premarital counseling focus on you and your partner’s future expectations for you upcoming marriage. A lot of the questions focus on things like the roles you’ll each take in the family, raising kids, finances, and where you’re headed later on in life. Some of the most common questions you might see in couples counseling or couples therapy questionnaire before you get married are:
- Why do you want to get married?
- What do we both want out of our lives?
- Where do you think we’ll be in 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 years?
- How would you describe yourself? You partner?
- How do you think your partner would describe you?
- How often do you drink or use controlled substances?
- Do you have any history of substance use?
- Do you want to have children? How soon? How many?
- How important is religion to you?
- Do you have any debts? How about your assets?
- Will we keep our money together or separate?
This is not an exhaustive list of the topics and questions that you’ll see if you go to couples therapy or couples counseling before getting married, but it does give a good idea of what you can expect. These questions are a good place to start for couples therapy or couples counseling, since they cover many different aspects of the married life you’re entering into.
What to talk about in couples counseling?
If you’re considering marriage therapy, then you probably already have an idea of the things that you’d like to bring up and talk about with the marriage and family therapist. It’s easy to get started: just make a list of the things that you’d like to bring up at couples therapy or couples counseling. Then, make sure that the couples counselor knows that you have a list. Encourage your partner to make a list, too. The couples therapy or couples counseling therapist will help you and your partner work through the list of things that you and your partner want to improve in the relationship.
Your therapist is a qualified professional, so they’ll also have some things that they’ll want to bring up in the course of you couples therapy or couples counseling. They’ll apply some focused therapy, and they’ll help you notice things about your partner, such as body language and emotional intelligence. With the help of your therapist in couples therapy or couples counseling, you’ll get to know your partner better and vice versa.
How do couples do Counselling?
The first step to doing couples therapy or couples counseling is to find a therapist. If you don’t want to find a therapist right away, or if you and your partner are ready to financially commit to a full course of couples therapy or couples counseling, there are some great free relationship tools online that you can check out.
These include lists of good questions and topics to talk through with your partner, as well as worksheets, lessons, and other resources that can prep you for couples therapy or couples counseling. Feel free to reach out several therapists until you find the one that’s right for you.
Can unmarried couples go to counseling?
Yes, unmarried couples should feel free to go to couples therapy or couples counseling. In fact, it’s a great idea to go to premarital counseling once you’ve decided that marriage might be the right choice for you and your partner. Or, if you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship and you want to work it out in the context of couples therapy or couples counseling, that’s great too!
Couples therapy or couples counseling isn’t reserved for only married couples. It’s also a very useful tool for people in committed relationships of any type.
What are some premarital questions?
While there’s no set list of evidence based questions that every couple must ask before they’re married, there are a few that come up a lot. Answering these questions could give you a better idea of where you and your partner are headed in the future, and whether living the rest of your lives together is a happy and healthy decision.
- Why do you want to get married?
- What do we both want out of our lives?
- Where do you think we’ll be in 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 years?
- How would you describe yourself? You partner?
- How do you think your partner would describe you?
- How often do you drink or use controlled substances?
- Do you have any history of substance use?
- Do you want to have children? How soon? How many?
- How important is religion to you?
- Do you have any debts? How about your assets?
- Will we keep our money together or separate?
Even if you don’t go to couples therapy or couples counseling, asking these dating questions and doing other helpful exercises with your partner is a great way to prepare for a happy healthy marriage. Newly engaged couples should consider couples therapy or couples counseling so that they can enjoy the safe space to answer these questions and work out the solutions to problems before they arrive. It’s easy to set up this plan before getting married, and answering these questions can set you on the path to a better partner relationship even before the wedding day!
What questions should ask before marriage?
While there’s no set list of perfect questions to ask before marriage, let’s take a look at some of the most practical and some of the more emotionally focused questions that you should go through with your partner before your free relationship becomes a marriage. It’s easy to ask the questions and go through them with your partner, and it takes a small amount of time to take this wise step towards a better marriage.
Check out these popular marriage counseling questions, and feel free to bring them up with your partner:
- Why do you want to get married?
- What do we both want out of our lives?
- Where do you think we’ll be in 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 years?
- How would you describe yourself? You partner?
- How do you think your partner would describe you?
- How often do you drink or use controlled substances?
- Do you have any history of substance use?
- Do you want to have children? How soon? How many?
- How important is religion to you?
- Do you have any debts? How about your assets?
- Will we keep our money together or separate?
It’s important that you’re on the same page with your partner and vice versa before you get married. Couples therapy or couples counseling can help you both get on that same page. Even before you’re married, marriage counselling is a great way to make a positive change in your relationship.
Can couples therapy make things worse?
When couples first start attending couples therapy or couples counseling, they might feel that things get worse. However, this is just because they’re finally broaching the tough and touchy topics that have until now been off-limits in the relationship. At first, couples therapy or couples counseling may seem to be making the relationship more strained and stressful, but that’s just because the road to a healthy relationship is a long and difficult one. Don’t worry if things seem more difficult at first; that’s a normal step in the process of couples therapy or couples counseling.
Remember, bringing up and defining the problems in your relationship is only the first step on the path to a healthy relationship. It will take some time for the couples therapy or couples counseling to work, and it will take some patience to get to the good relationship that you’re working towards. Just because things are a bit strained or stressful at the beginning of couples therapy or couples counseling doesn’t mean that you should give up. Instead, keep working towards the healthy relationship that you desire for you and your partner!
Can I bring my boyfriend to therapy?
If you’re already in individual therapy, you should talk to your therapist before bringing your boyfriend to therapy. While couples therapy or couples counseling is an option, it should first be discussed with your therapist or counselor.
You shouldn’t just show up to a session with your boyfriend and insist that he joins in. Instead, talk it through with your therapist and decide on a proper course of couples therapy or couples counseling.
Should couples go to counseling?
Couples who are having problems in their relationship should absolutely consider going to couples therapy or couples counseling. These sessions can provide them with new perspectives to solve the existing problems in their relationship, and equip them with the necessary tools and action plans to prevent further problems. It’s a great opportunity to work through the rough patches in the relationship through couples therapy or couples counseling.
Of course, if marriage counseling, couples therapy or couples counseling isn’t the first thing that you and your partner want to do, you can always check out the free relationship resources online. These are a great way to ease you and your partner into couples therapy or couples counseling without committing to a full course of treatment outright.
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