My Husband Hates Me! What Should I Do?
It’s perhaps realistic to say that marriage isn’t always smooth sailing. You may have certain times that will feel very challenging, but if your husband has been acting like he doesn’t love you any longer or even hates you, it could be a sign of something more severe than a few “bumps in the road.” At this point, it’s essential to understand why he is behaving hatefully, if there’s a way you can change the situation, and what to do if you can’t.
This post will discuss how to know with certainty that your husband hates you, the potential reasons he may be exhibiting this behavior towards you, and how you can resolve the situation—whether it’s possible to repair your relationship or not.
What to do if your husband hates you
Every couple is different in how they express affection, displeasure, etc. While there are some guidelines for what to do if you think your husband hates you, ultimately, the direction lies with you and your unique situation. That’s why many couples feel it necessary to speak with a professional relationship counselor for guidance on resolving their conflicts, managing difficulties, and, if necessary, moving on from the marriage.
Before you take definitive action, consider the following steps:
1. Examine why you think he hates you
If you think that your husband hates you, there is likely a reason why you feel this way. Is he treating you differently than usual? Does he become angry or hostile toward you for seemingly no reason? There is usually a reason behind behavioral changes, and it might not even be something you’re doing (or at least not doing consciously). Reflect on your feelings and why the things he says or does give you the impression that he hates you. This isn’t to say you’ve done anything to warrant such treatment, but upon closer inspection, you may find it’s a situation that you need to address first within yourself.
If you have difficulty processing your emotions and thinking clearly, writing in a journal is an excellent way to bring clarity. Use this medium to contemplate how you have been interacting lately. If you’ve been arguing, record the circumstances around that. Perhaps you’ll discover that you’re both unwilling to communicate or compromise.
2. Ask yourself a few key questions
How Long has your husband’s behavior been like this?
If you’ve established that your husband’s behavior has changed, reflect on how long this has been going on. When you can point to a specific time when your husband started to act differently, it may become easier to understand what’s happening. Did your husband start acting this way after receiving a complaint at work? Did he start treating you poorly after getting fired from his job?
Determining when this behavior started allows you to give things some context. You can begin to see what is happening in your husband’s life. If this has been going on for a long time, it may cause more worry than one or two weeks of neglectful or hostile behavior.
Do you feel safe?
If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, you may feel trapped or as if you don’t have the strength or resources to leave. Many people experiencing abuse still love their partner or think they need them, making it difficult to go and get help.
If you feel threatened in any way or if you have been harmed, it’s essential to immediately contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you don’t feel safe or comfortable doing so, ask someone you trust to get in touch on your behalf. It is never okay for someone to abuse their partner for any reason. If you’re physically or emotionally abused, then help is available.
Could your husband simply be experiencing difficulty in other areas of his life?
If your husband is acting strangely and seems to vent his frustrations on you about minor things, he might be going through a difficult time. Sometimes people take out their stress on the ones that they love the most. This isn’t fair, and your husband shouldn’t treat you this way. Regardless, it’s conceivable that your husband might be struggling with stress or anxiety.
People who experience stress and don’t have the resources or ability to cope can develop an anxiety or depressive disorder if it goes unaddressed. This can lead to feelings of paranoia and extreme nervousness, but it can also manifest itself in angry outbursts. If your husband is having mental health challenges, speaking to him about it is the first step, then try to get him the help he needs.
It’s also possible that your husband doesn’t hate you all. He might be angry at you or angry at something else. People often have unique ways of behaving when they’re upset or hurt. This doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband hates you. He might still love you very much but is having difficulty expressing it.
Do you have challenges with intimacy or expressing affection?
Have you and your husband been physically intimate lately? This doesn’t have to mean sex-- an unexpected hug or holding hands can show how much you care. Do you express affection for each other regularly? Do you communicate appreciation or gratitude for each other? If you two have become disconnected in any of these ways, it can clearly impact how you treat each other.
2. Address the issue directly and honestly
Be honest with your husband about your feelings. If you feel your husband hates you, it’s vital to address that upfront and communicate your point of view. A communication breakdown can easily lead to marital struggles, and research indicates that a lack of communication is a common contributor to matrimonial difficulties.
A face-to-face conversation is preferable; you can listen actively and gauge if he’s extending you the same courtesy. If this isn’t possible or you don’t feel comfortable doing so, writing a letter may be a viable alternative. It may not allow for reciprocal conversation, but at least you can let him know how you feel. It may also make in-person communication easier.
3. Try to reconnect
Putting forth an effort to reconnect with your husband is an excellent way of showing him that you’re trying to understand his point of view and that you’re willing to see his side of the story. Reconnecting may require beginning again, in a sense, to remember why you fell in love in the first place. If he’s ready to try, have a regular date night or set aside to do something you love together. Finding ways to enjoy each other’s company might show you both that it is possible to rekindle your connection.
Making an effort to cultivate physical intimacy is another way you may reestablish the bond between you. You may feel hurt emotionally, which may diminish your desire for sex, but sex isn’t the only way to cultivate intimacy. Snuggle on the sofa as you watch a movie, give a heartfelt hug for no reason, or occasionally steal a peck on the cheek as you go about your daily activities. All of these can go a long way toward repairing your relationship.
Find relationship support in online therapy
Most successful marriages are built on a solid foundation of friendship and respect. If you feel like your husband hates you, it can damage that foundation, leaving you wondering if it can be repaired at all. But feeling this way doesn’t have to signal the end of your marriage definitively. There are many reasons why you may think he hates you when in reality, he does love you, and there are other reasons for his behavior.
Talking to a marriage counselor is an excellent way to get to the root of his behavior and understand what, if anything, you can do to rekindle your bond. Also, marriage counselors often speak with each partner individually during treatment. If your husband has anger or mental health issues or challenges with stress management, a counselor can help determine if those factor into his behavior. Similarly, a counselor may be able to address your individual problems that contribute to how you interpret and perceive his behaviors towards you.
Online platforms like Regain match couples with relationship professionals experienced in helping couples address issues like these and more. You and your husband can speak with a couple’s therapist through Regain from the comfort of home according to your schedule via online messaging, video chat, phone, and text. Online counseling is often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance. A growing body of research suggests it’s just as effective for helping couples develop more robust communication and resolve marital difficulties more effectively.
Takeaway
If you think your husband hates you, it can have a severe impact not only on your relationship but your mental well-being. Reaching out to a Regain professional is the first step to healing.
FAQ (frequently asked questions)
How can you tell if your husband hates you?
Feeling as though your husband hates you may be the result of behavioral changes, conflict, or other related factors that exist within your relationship. In some cases, your husband may even openly claim to dislike or hate you.
In many cases, these feelings are the result of overthinking, poor communication or misinterpreting one another’s actions. Your husband most likely doesn’t hate you, and he may just be feeling anger towards something in his life, or you might just be going through a rough patch in your relationship.
Without communicating with him, though, it’s a bad idea to assume that he hates you.
If he has been pulling away from you or not communicating as frequently as usual with you, something may be upsetting him, and you may find it beneficial to reach out.
Remember that you love him, and you love your relationship with him. Be gentle but firm. Asking him directly what is bothering him is a good first step.
If your husband tells you he hates you, treats you inappropriately, or otherwise crosses the line, it may be time to seek professional guidance, whether from someone within the mental healthcare field or the legal field.
What do I do when my husband hates me?
There is a difference between abuse and feelings of discontentment or resentment. But whatever the case may be, one thing you can do, a place to start could be couples therapy. If you’re thinking, “I want to save my marriage,” that could be a sign that couples or relationship counseling might be a good next step.
Men and women react differently to conflict, but ultimately, how someone will respond depends on who they are. But, if you fight all the time and feel a strong sense of resentment, it’s essential to confront it and work through it together if possible. You could have a candid conversation with your partner and discuss how you’re feeling before jumping into couples therapy.
How do you deal with a toxic spouse?
Toxic is a very subjective term. What’s toxic for one individual doesn’t necessarily apply to another. Men and women can both be toxic, but if your husband loves you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s trying to be toxic. But whether he is trying to be toxic or not, if you feel uncomfortable in the relationship, you need to do something about it.
If you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s essential to set boundaries. You don’t deserve to be treated disrespectfully. Whatever the case may be, setting boundaries and letting your partner know in no uncertain terms how you want to be treated is essential. You can have candid conversations about this or discuss it with a relationship or a couple’s counselor.
How do you know when your marriage is over?
There’s no definitive answer to when a marriage is over. The only way to know for sure is when both individuals agree to separate and get divorced. But there are signs that the marriage could be on the way out.
Signs that a marriage is over are:
- You do not want to spend time with your partner
- Finding yourself daydreaming about other people
- Being with other individuals
Infidelity is a significant sign that a marriage could be over. Assuming you’re not in an open relationship and the terms you and your partner have set have not been violated, if you cheat on your partner, that is a definite sign that the marriage may be over.
Usually, the main sign that a marriage is over is both parties agree that the relationship is not working for whatever reason.
Why do husbands ignore their wives?
If a husband continually ignores their wife, that is a form of abuse called stonewalling. There are times when people need space from an argument, but perpetually ignoring your partner is cruel. There are many reasons that a husband may ignore their wife.
One potential cause has to do with toxic masculinity. Some men are conditioned to ignore their feelings. It could be that a man doesn’t want to upset their spouse further. If he chooses to ignore her and the situation, he may believe that he is mitigating any potential conflict. Husbands ignore their wives because some men don’t know how to manage their emotions. And likewise, if a woman is upset, they may or may not know how to respond. It depends on the individual.
Remember that all men are not the same, and many factors could contribute to a husband ignoring their wife. If you are being ignored, you don’t have to stand for it. You can confront your husband and tell him how you feel. And this could be a topic to discuss in couples therapy.
How do you know if your husband loves you?
In a healthy relationship, there should be mutual respect and love between partners. If that isn’t present, then there’s a problem. There are different love languages. You need to get your needs met in a relationship and have your husband communicate with you in your love language. The love languages are:
- Word of Affirmation
- A person tells their partner how they love them and why.
- Acts of Service
- Your partner takes actions to show their love, like putting a cabinet together or helping you make doctor’s appointments.
- Quality Time
- Spending time together.
- Physical Touch
- Some people like to be touched or cuddled to feel loved.
- Gifts
- Some like to receive presents to feel loved.
How do you know if your husband still loves you after separation?
Some people separate from their husbands and then get back together. Some separations are not permanent. It depends on why you separated and what you are willing to compromise on or forgive each other in the marriage. Love isn’t enough to fix a marriage, and it takes work to make a relationship last or repair where the trust has been broken. You may be thinking, can I save my marriage? That’s where couples therapy can help. You can see an impartial mediator who can translate both partners’ sides.
Why do I feel like my husband hates me?
You may be wondering, “my husband is always angry, does he hate me?” If you feel that your husband hates you, it’s important to confront the issues. Husband love is important to receive. You want to feel seen, loved, and validated. And, you never know, a husband could be thinking, “my wife hates me,” Maybe writing down your feelings will give you a sense of clarity about them. You need to pinpoint what actions your husband is taking to make you feel like he dislikes you. Once you know why you feel this way, that’s when you can have a discussion with him and tell him how his behavior is impacting you. He now has a chance to make changes in how he treats you so you feel loved.
When should you walk away from your marriage?
You may be wondering, “can I save my marriage?” There’s no easy answer to that question. Marriages are hard work, and it takes two people to participate in making a relationship last. Your inner monologue is “I want to save my marriage,” and that can be powerful. It might be a mantra for you to work through problems in the relationship. You can address these issues in couples therapy. Before deciding to walk away, try using that mantra, “I want to save my marriage,” internally, or even say it aloud to your partner. That way, the two of you can think of ways to try to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you both try, it doesn’t seem to work for some relationships. If you feel unsatisfied with the relationship for a long time, and you’ve done everything in your power to make it work, including couples therapy, and you’re still unhappy, it may be time to walk away.
What is a toxic relationship with a husband?
A toxic (or abusive) relationship with your husband could include the following:
- Verbal abuse
- Mental Abuse
- Emotional Abuse
- Sexual Abuse
- Financial Abuse
- Physical Abuse
If you experience domestic abuse of any kind, don’t hesitate to reach out for the help you deserve. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (800-799-SAFE) is a free and safe resource you can at any time.
In addition to abuse, co-dependent relationships can be toxic for both partners. It’s important to be mindful of how your husband makes you feel. If you feel satisfied and happy in your marriage, then that’s a good thing. If you feel sad, lonely, angry, or exhausted, that’s a sign that you could be in a toxic relationship. Remember, toxicity can be subjective. What is unhealthy for one person may be tolerable for another. If you’re unsure your relationship is bad for you, you can talk about it with your therapist and support system.
How should husbands treat their wives?
Husbands should treat their wives the way that their wives want to be treated. Communication is an integral part of relationships, and men and women can have varying communication styles. However, it is crucial to tell your partner how you feel and what you need in the marriage. That way, you can get your needs met.
What year of marriage is divorce most common?
The eighth year of marriage is when many couples decide to get divorced. You may have heard of the “seven-year itch.” That could apply to your marriage. When you’ve been with a partner for many years, your rose-colored glasses fall off, and you begin to see them for who they are. That’s why it’s important to remember that people have strengths and flaws, and love is about accepting both. Marriages last when you see your partner in a realistic light and accept that person for themselves.
What are the signs of a toxic marriage?
As stated above, if there is any abuse in the marriage or a co-dependency, that could be a toxic dynamic. If you feel your marriage is unhealthy, it could be helpful to speak to a couple’s counselor or an individual therapist.
How do you know there’s no hope for your marriage?
If one or both people in the marriage are unwilling to put the work in, that’s a sign that there’s no hope left. Marriage is a team effort, and both partners need to want to be in the relationship. When you separate, you can still find love if that’s what you want in life. And divorce can be a relief for some people. It’s not the end of your journey; it can be the beginning. Consider working with a licensed therapist to gain clarity on what you want out of your relationships.
How do I deal with my hateful husband?
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