Why Do I Hate My Husband? Is There Anything I Can Do About It?

By: Julia Thomas

Updated September 27, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Karen Devlin, LPC

There’s no shame in thinking, “I despise my husband.” It’s really a common thought among married people. If it only happens now and then, it’s probably not a big problem. However, if you find yourself thinking or saying that you hate him very often, it can make you miserable in your relationship and life. Here are some things to think about when considering why you feel this way and what you can do about it.

Why Do I Keep Hating My Husband?

When you hate your husband, the first thing you need to find out is why you feel that way. If you don’t understand that, it’s very hard to do anything about it. Ask yourself the following questions. Then, if you still don’t know why you hate him, you may need to work with a couple’s counselor to get to the bottom of your feelings.

What Do You Expect from Him?

Marriages Can Go Through Phases
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Your hate may be coming from a feeling that your husband isn’t meeting all your needs. If you expect him to be your everything, you’re sure to be disappointed eventually. A Psychology Today article discusses how placing unrealistic expectations on your spouse can generate feelings of hatred.

In the past, women were likely to have a larger support system. They took care of many of their needs on their own without any help from their mate. However, times have changed. Now, people tend to have fewer social, emotional, and financial resources outside the marriage. This has led to a situation in which people rely solely on their spouses to meet their every need. This is too much pressure to put on any one person. When you expect too much, you could end up hating him because he can’t deliver.

Are You Hoping for Someone Better?

There are so many potential partners out there in the world, so it’s easy to find yourself dwelling on a lot of what-ifs. What if I found a partner who shared the things that are important to me? What if I found someone who took care of my every need? What if I found someone who I didn’t hate?

As you look outside your marriage for solutions, you may grow to hate him even more. You’re no longer focused on how to make things better between you. All you’re thinking about is how to find a way out and on to that ideal mate you’re imagining.

Can I Fix My Marriage?

Once you understand why you hate your husband, the next step is to decide what you want to do about it. That involves taking a hard look at both the challenges and benefits of your relationship. Sometimes even when you have all the information available to you, though, it’s hard to sort it all out so you can come to a conclusion that makes sense to you. At that point, you may benefit from talking with a relationship counselor. Consider these three factors before you decide.

Signs It Might Be Too Late

How do you know if the relationship is too far gone to save? That’s a tricky question. You have to make a judgement call because there are no hard and fast rules on when you should give up. A couple’s therapist won’t give you the answer to this question, either. However, they can help you explore the subject and gain insight into it. As a starting point, you can find a list of signs to watch for in this article.

  • You can no longer communicate with each other.
  • You both look for faults in each other and attack the other rather than work out problems.
  • You avoid contact and disagreements with each other.
  • His behavior now irritates you.
  • You verbally abuse each other.
  • You turn to someone else when you’re feeling stressed.
  • You think and act like a single person.
  • You avoid eye contact and physical closeness with each other.
  • You aren’t acting like yourself.

Is My Marriage Worth Saving?

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Your strong feeling of hating your husband won’t go away easily. It will be challenging to overcome it if you decide to stick with the relationship. You need to spend some time thinking about the good things in your marriage if you want to make the best decision.

Decide Whether to Commit

When you feel you have a clear understanding of your relationship’s positive and negative aspects, it’s time to decide whether to commit to staying with your marriage and trying to improve it.

How important is the commitment? One research study examined how marriage instability passed from generation to generation. The researchers concluded that the subjects with divorced parents were more likely to divorce their own spouse. Why? The researchers suggested that this was because they had a weak commitment to the marriage. The lack of commitment spelled the downfall of their marriage.

Maybe you aren’t the child of a divorced parent. Maybe you are. Either way, it makes perfect sense that you will find it hard to repair your marriage if you don’t commit to it. By deciding that you will work to make the marriage better and stick with your spouse despite the challenges, you open the door to letting go of that painful hate you’re feeling.

How Can I Start Loving My Husband More and Get Rid of the Hate?

Hate is bad for everyone, and it makes your own life miserable. If you’ve decided to stay in the marriage, you need to find some way to get beyond that hate. It takes some thought, patience, and effort to overcome hate and welcome feelings of love.

Set Realistic Expectations

Start by setting realistic expectations of your husband and your marriage. Stop expecting your husband to be the ideal mate. There is no such thing. Give up your thoughts that you will always feel happy every moment you spend with him. Accept that there will be times when you disagree. Count on him to be a part of your life, but don’t demand that he do things he isn’t capable of doing.

Work on Meeting Your Needs

Another way to start feeling better is to meet as many of your own needs as you can. Get out and meet people or spend time with old friends and family. Learn ways to take care of your mental health without relying on him to “fix” you. You might want to combine your finances but take opportunities to provide for yourself whenever you can. Make your own personal choices. Be responsible for yourself. Work to achieve your personal goals. The more you take care of your own needs, the more satisfied and confident you will be. And, you’ll stop resenting him for not meeting your needs you.

Practice Gratitude

Gratitude can change the way you look at the difficult things in your life. If you are grateful for your husband, you’re less likely to hate him. But how do you become grateful if you don’t feel that way now? One way is to practice by using a gratitude journal devoted to what you love about your husband.

Make a list of all his finer qualities. Write down some happy memories you have had together. Add activities and events you enjoy going to together. What is it about him that once drew you to him above all others? What are some positive ways he’s changed and matured as a person since you met him? What does he do for you that you appreciate? As you write in your journal, dwell on what you like and love about him.

Learn to Communicate More Effectively

Marriages Can Go Through Phases
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Poor communication is a sure sign that your marriage is in trouble. Misunderstandings can lead to hurt feelings or anger. Fighting unfairly can cause a deep rift in your relationship. Not expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly widens the divide between you. All these problems can lead to feelings of resentment and even hate.

Communication skills involve saying what you mean inappropriate ways. They also include techniques for listening and showing empathy. There are several ways to learn to communicate better. You can watch videos or read books on communication techniques. You could take a class on the subject or go to a couple’s support group.

One of the most effective ways to learn better communication is to work with a couple’s counselor. Then, you can both learn together and resolve the specific communication problems in your unique marriage.

Conclusion

The sentence “I despise my husband” may be more common than you think. Yet, if your feelings of hate are becoming more intense and longer-lasting, you may need to seek help to get rid of those feelings and get back to loving your mate again. You can talk to a couple’s counselor at ReGain.Us to explore these issues and build a better relationship. When you do, that overwhelming feeling of hate can pass. Then, you can begin to appreciate your marriage, feel comfortable staying with your husband, and find more happiness whether you’re with him or on your own.


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