I’m Starting to Despise My Wife: How to Get Your Marriage Back on Track

Do you find yourself thinking, “I’m starting to despise my wife?” Do you feel that way often? While having occasional moments of frustration with your partner can make sense—such as during an intense disagreement or moment of particular stress—if this thought comes up very often, it could signify a more serious concern in your marriage. At that point, it may help to try to identify the root of the problem so that it can be addressed. Throughout this article, we will explore several potential reasons you might feel negatively towards your wife and strategies for improving your marriage.

Why do I hate my wife?

First, it may help to consider where that thought of "I hate my wife" is coming from. Your hatred could be coming from something about her or about you. After identifying the root of your feelings, it may become easier to get your marriage back on track.

Is it something my wife is doing?

If you are feeling like you are starting to despise your wife, it could be that she is in fact doing something negative or destructive. Below are some possible concerns you may have about your wife’s behavior, though there can be many other possible reasons as well.  

I don't like the way my wife acts now

If your wife is behaving in any of the following ways, this could be part of the reason for your negative feelings toward her:

1. Treating you with disrespect
2. Showing contempt for you
3. Being irritable and cranky
4. Having a superior attitude
5. Making fun of you
6. Criticizing you often

If any of these behaviors and attitudes sound familiar, it may be useful to have a conversation with your wife about what’s happening or to seek additional help especially if the situation becomes serious. 

If you are experiencing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available to help you with information and resources. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the NDVH online chat system.

My wife never has time for me

If your spouse never seems to have time for you, it can be natural to feel neglected and resentful. She may be busy with her career or deeply engaged in hobbies, activities, commitments, responsibilities, or social life outside the marriage. Life is a balancing act for both of you. She may simply have too much going on right now, which has affected the relationship. 

My wife isn’t fun to be around anymore

If you are feeling like the fun and joy that used to be present in your relationship has disappeared, you may feel negatively toward your partner. It’s possible that you feel your wife is no longer any fun to be around, and so you start to resent her for it. This dynamic could be a result of a variety of things, such as stressful schedules, overwhelming responsibilities, little time for connection and romance, and more. 

Is it coming from a problem within myself?

On the flip side, it may also be useful to consider whether your negative feelings toward your wife could be stemming from something that’s going on personally within you. There may be some dynamics that are solely yours to sort through, which have impacted your view of your wife. You can ask yourself the following questions to explore this possibility:

Are you feeling bad about yourself?

Have you been feeling bad about yourself? Do you see yourself as inadequate or not good enough for your wife? You may be experiencing low self-esteem, which can be harmful to you as well as your marriage. 

You may find that you sometimes engage in indirect behaviors (such as displaying sadness) as a way to try to get support rather than expressing your needs directly. This is called indirect support seeking, and people might do it to get attention without facing rejection. However, according to a recent psychological study, people who used this tactic often got negative responses from their partners. Although they sought to avoid being rejected, that's often exactly what happened.

Do you focus on the negative and ignore the positive?

Especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time, it can be easy to take the positive things for granted and focus more on the negatives. You might be so used to all the great things that your partner brings to the table and does for you, that their flaws and shortcomings start to seem more apparent. If you're always looking at things from a negative perspective, your wife’s faults may be more obvious to you than her good characteristics. You may need to try to practice gratitude and gain a new perspective yourself.

How can I stop hating my wife and get my marriage back on track?

If you are feeling like you’re starting to despise your wife but want to address this feeling and get your marriage back on track, read on. You can try the following ways to banish that thought, overcome the negative feelings, and get closer to your wife again. 

Spend some time reflecting in solitude

It may be useful to start by spending some time alone to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and desires for the relationship. By spending some time alone, you can give yourself space to look at the situation more carefully and objectively. It may help you gain a new perspective and better understand the issues at play. 

Address your concerns with your wife

Once you have gained a clearer understanding of your own thoughts and feelings, you can approach your wife and discuss your concerns with her directly. This can be a sensitive topic, so try to be kind, loving, and gentle while expressing your perspective. You can also ask her for her opinion on how things are going, and if there’s anything you can do to make the relationship better for her.

Communicate more effectively

While you're at it, you can also work to improve your communication skills in all aspects of your relationship. You can learn to express yourself clearly and appropriately, learn and practice good listening skills, and develop a sense of empathy so that you can see things from her perspective. When you can communicate with each other in more positive ways, you can enhance your relationship or rebuild it from the ground up. This is another area in which a therapist can be very helpful.

Work on yourself

If you have determined that your negative feelings toward your wife are largely stemming from your own internal challenges, it can be very important to take the necessary steps to address them. For instance, if you have realized you have low self-esteem or feel unfulfilled in other areas of your life, try to find ways to address and improve those areas. For this, an individual therapist can also help. 

Practice gratitude, appreciation, and forgiveness

If you're dwelling on her negative words, attitudes, and behaviors, you might be overlooking the things you love about her. Try to make a habit of telling her something you appreciate about her every day. Show your gratitude for her by saying thank you and reciprocating with kindness. 

Do something fun together

If you and your partner are feeling disconnected from each other, spending some quality time together may make a big difference. If you have felt like the joy in your relationship has dwindled, you can pick a fun, enjoyable activity to do together. For instance, you could go to a comedy show together, visit an amusement park, take a pottery class, go for a hike together, or anything else you both might enjoy. 

Talk to a couples counselor

Working through intensely negative feelings toward your partner can be very painful and challenging at times. For additional support, you and your partner can connect with a relationship expert. A counselor can help you work through your issues and strengthen your connection. 

For couples experiencing significant strain in their relationship, they might prefer to take some time apart while still trying to work on the relationship. With online therapy, you and your partner can join the same therapy session from separate places—so you don’t have to be in the same physical location if you don’t want to. 

And, research has shown that online therapy can be effective for improving both relationship satisfaction and mental health. 

Takeaway

If you are feeling like you are starting to despise your wife, it may be useful to try to investigate your feelings to gain a better sense of what might be at the root of it. For instance, it’s possible this feeling could be connected to something your wife is doing, or it could be stemming from a more personal issue in your own life. If this is something you’re experiencing and you’re interested in getting your marriage back on track, consider some of the tips detailed above, and for further help, you and your partner can meet with an online therapist.