I'm Feeling Lonely In A Relationship - What Should I Do?

Loneliness is something that we can all relate to. But when we are lonely in our relationships, we start to think that there's something wrong, with us, with the relationship, with our partner. Loneliness can stem from all kinds of things, and there is no right answer to why you feel unwanted and lonely. It's important to explore why you feel lonely to work on moving on from those feelings.

"I am feeling alone." When we feel lonely, we often try to bury those feelings and keep them to ourselves. This doesn't help us in the long run because no one will know that we need help. It's hard to confront feelings that aren't welcome, but if we don't allow ourselves to acknowledge that we feel lonely, we won't ever overcome it. Let’s unravel the notion of why lonely in a relationship. Here are some ways how to deal with loneliness and explore your feelings of loneliness.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner

If you think that your relationship is making you feel lonely, talk to your partner about your thoughts. Tell them how you feel, truly, and ask them to help in ways that will be productive for your relationship. If they spend too much time playing video games, or are often out with friends, or aren't great at pillow talk, these are things you can bring up that makes you feeling alone in a relationship. Be truthful but kind in your approach and allow them to respond to you. They may not realize that what they are doing is affecting you so much, or maybe they have needs that aren't being met that you can help with. You might be feeling unappreciated and lonely because you and your partner haven't gotten vulnerable with each other yet about your wants and needs. Having a conversation might put you in the right direction. You can read and watch videos online about how to be vulnerable if you're unsure of what to do.

Stop comparing yourself to other relationships

With the rise of social media, our relationships are displayed for the whole world to see. Your loneliness may stem from comparison to others. You want your relationship to look like someone else's, and when it doesn't, you feel like you're missing out on something. Remember that your relationship is unique and won't look exactly like someone else's. Just because your friend posted about the "just because" flowers her boyfriend gave her and yours never gives you flowers doesn't mean that your boyfriend doesn't love you. If you notice things from other people's relationships that you would like to implement, talk to your partner about it. See if they are open to making some changes. But also understand that they may show love differently. Learn to see the love they have for you in their unique actions.

Understand that one person can't solve inner feelings of loneliness

Loneliness can be an inheritable trait, according to a 2016 study published in Nature. It's possible that you could be predisposed to feel lonely or that your loneliness stems from relationships that predate your romantic relationship. If that's the case, your romantic partner won't be able to make you feel less lonely. At least, not all the time. If you look for one person to make you feel whole and complete, you'll find out quickly that they will fail time and time again. In these cases, you have to ask yourself why you feel lonely in the first place and confront those feelings head-on.

Confront your fear of being alone

One way to do this is by putting yourself in situations where you are alone on purpose. Go to the movies by yourself, take yourself out to dinner, have a night in where you treat yourself to a hot bath and a good book. Show yourself that you can enjoy life with only yourself as a company. This is one of the best ways to learn how to cope with loneliness without a significant other. This may help you confront the feelings of loneliness you have if they aren't because of your romantic relationship. If you are afraid of being alone, it will be hard to put yourself in a situation where you will be alone. Take baby steps, start with an hour or even 30 minutes. It will take time to be comfortable with having only yourself as a company. But the more you practice being alone, the less scary it will seem.

Explore if there is love in the relationship still

If your loneliness is coming from your romantic relationship, and you've talked with your partner about your needs and things still aren't changing much in the relationship, it's time to explore deeper into where the relationship has gone. Ask yourself if you still love your partner. Ask yourself if your partner loves you. This is extremely hard, especially if you've been in a relationship for a long period. Andrea Pollard, Psy.D. says that when couples come to her for counseling, she asks if there is still love in the relationship. She does this because she knows that she can give people tools to work on a stuck relationship, but there's nothing she can do to make people care about each other. Before you put in the work to try to save your relationship, see if both of you still have the love that's needed to keep going.

Allow yourself to have these feelings

Finally, remember that what you are feeling is valid. You are allowed to feel lonely, no matter how hard it is to feel that way. Feelings are indicators that things are going well or going badly. When we feel loneliness, that's our mind's way of telling us that something is wrong, and we need to figure out how to fix it. It's easy to spiral into shame, to keep our thoughts to ourselves, and let the emotions fester until we can't take it anymore and we lash out. This is not a healthy way to live, and it won't help you feel any less lonely. Come to terms with your feelings, then figure out what to do about them.

Loneliness is a common emotion. It's not always an indicator that things are ending. Sometimes we go through periods of loneliness when our partners are busy, when we work long hours, when one of us goes on a trip, and the list goes on and on. Communication, when we are feeling isolated or lonely, is super important. If we want to come to a place of understanding and feeling loved, we have to let our partner know what we are feeling and what we need to overcome them. Give your partner a chance to work with you and try to do the things you ask of them. And be willing to listen to yourself and implement any changes that they may ask of you. If you are feeling lonely, your partner may be feeling lonely too.

Getting help

Sometimes couples need a little help coming back together. No matter how often they try to talk, they can't have a productive conversation or find a compromise that works for them. Couples' counseling can help. 

Regain is a couples' counseling platform that connects couples to therapists online. By giving Regain information about yourself, your partner, and your particular needs, you can be matched with a licensed therapist that will message you online about your relationship problems. If your partner decides at a later date that they want in, you can add them to your chat room at any time.

Couples' counseling might seem intimidating or even unnecessary to some people, but there is so much value in being able to talk about how you're feeling with someone else. And if your partner doesn't know how to listen or needs help in understanding how you are feeling, a therapist can help them by giving them tools to help you. And vice versa. A therapist will tell you how to articulate what you are feeling in a way that may be easier to understand.

For more information on Regain or to sign up, go to our website at https://www.regain.us/start/today.