Five Reasons Why You May Feel Lonely In A Relationship— And How To Fix It

Feeling lonely from time to time is a universal experience. Loneliness can affect anyone, including people in relationships. There are several reasons why you may feel lonely in a relationship.

Still, there are things you can do to address each of these reasons and effectively manage your loneliness.

Perhaps the first step to healing loneliness is understanding the issue. A 2018 report found that half of Americans feel lonely. Researchers concluded that young people were more likely to be lonely than older generations. Recognizing that you're not the only one going through it could help alleviate some of your feelings of loneliness.  

There are many different reasons someone could feel isolated by their partner. Below, we discuss five of the most common reasons someone might feel lonely in a relationship.

Unrealistic expectations

Feeling unwanted in a relationship could start with expectations. After all, it can be hard to know what to expect from relationships. Romantic movies and love songs may convince us that love is effortless or that our partner should be our only source of happiness, for example. This may be an oversimplified view of relationships, though. In reality, relationships may be more complex.

Moreover, you might go into a relationship with a certain idea of how it's supposed to be. Often, we see our parents' relationship as an example, and we might assume that's the norm. Your partner will also take notice of the relationships in their life. When your expectations clash, it can cause conflict. It could be helpful to keep in mind that the relationship dynamics that work for other people might not work for your relationship.

How can one combat unrealistic expectations

There may be a few things you can do to overcome unrealistic expectations:

• know what your expectations are
• talk to your partner
• find happiness from multiple places
• establish more reasonable expectations
• focus on the good

These five things can help you put unrealistic expectations to rest.

Know your expectations

The first step is to notice what your expectations are for the relationship. It could help to write them down or talk about them with your partner. Even if your expectations are reasonable, you may need to communicate them to your partner. They might seem obvious to you, but that doesn't mean they will be for your partner.

You might also want to ask your partner what their expectations are for the relationship. It could be that you have conflicting expectations. Or perhaps you haven’t been meeting each other's needs because you never talked about them.

Talk to your partner

Communication is one of the fundamental aspects of relationships. Your partner may not know what you're experiencing unless you tell them. Communicating effectively with your partner may take effort and patience. Try not to let this overwhelm you. You could start simply by setting aside time to tell each other how you feel. If you're not yet comfortable talking about your loneliness, that's okay. You can start by talking about how your week or day went. Over time, it may get easier to discuss deeper issues. 

Seek happy experiences elsewhere

Making your happiness your partner's responsibility can be dangerous. It could be beneficial to recognize that your partner doesn’t have the capacity to meet all your needs. That’s because our needs as human beings are complex and go beyond what a single relationship can fulfill. 

If the only person you enjoy spending time with is your partner, consider branching out. Think about all the things you enjoy doing and the other people in your life who you might enjoy doing them with. It can be scary to meet new people or reconnect with old friends. But by confronting these fears, you may become more confident, and the process might become easier with time.

Focus on the good

If you're experiencing negative emotions such as loneliness, a daily gratitude journal might be helpful: 

1. Choose five things every day that you're grateful for. You can do this in the morning or at night. 
2. Focus on areas you're struggling with. In the case of loneliness, focus on the relationships and people in your life. Is there anything about those relationships you can be grateful for?
3. Change it up. Challenge yourself to get specific and write different things to be grateful for every single day. This will put your brain to work at thinking positively.
4. Feel the gratitude. Don't just write it down. How do these things make you feel? Read them back to yourself and allow yourself to be grateful and appreciative. This can make the exercise even more powerful.

Alternatively, you could ask yourself a few of these questions:

• What's going right in my life?
• What accomplishments can I celebrate today?
• What things can I appreciate at this moment?
• Where am I now? What can I do to improve?
• What can I do to take care of myself today?

These might be great journal prompts, or you could use variations of them when you’re feeling down. For example, let's say you're at a party and you're feeling overwhelmed. You could ask yourself: How can I take care of myself right now? What can I appreciate about this moment? What am I grateful for about being here? Questions like this can provide perspective and encouragement when you need it the most.

Establish more reasonable expectations

Now that you've taken some time to evaluate your expectations and talk with your partner about theirs, you can begin setting reasonable expectations that work better for both of you. Relationships are a team effort, so it could be helpful to remember that expectations go both ways. Be prepared to meet your partner halfway. 

Navigating expectations in a relationship can be challenging at first but consider that it may get easier over time. When you make a mistake, apologize sincerely, and make an effort to do better next time. If your partner makes a mistake, consider forgiving them. Studies have found that people who are more empathetic and compassionate towards others are less likely to be lonely. You can practice compassion and empathy through forgiving your partner.

Resistance to vulnerability

To feel more connected, both you and your partner may need to practice vulnerability.  It might be uncomfortable to admit being wrong or to address conflict in the relationship. If you don't try, though, these problems may persist. 

Any fear or resistance to vulnerability you feel may come from negative past experiences. Maybe you were vulnerable with someone, and they didn't keep your secret. Perhaps they used that information against you at some point. Experiences like this could make us feel less trusting in future relationships. 

Here are a few things you can do to be more vulnerable:

Choose wisely

You get to choose who sees you at your most vulnerable. Consider reserving vulnerability for the people in your life who have earned it. If you're in a brand-new relationship, you may not feel comfortable revealing all of your insecurities at once, and that’s okay. You can take your time to figure out if they're trustworthy. This doesn’t mean you have to be closed off, though. There are levels of vulnerability—perhaps you can take them one at a time.

Be aware of shame triggers

Vulnerable people aren't immune to shame. Most everyone has experienced this negative emotion at one time or another. Shame triggers can be particularly upsetting, and they can linger. Your shame triggers could be a result of past experiences or cultural expectations.

Some common shame triggers are:

• being perceived as weak
• body image
• money
• employment
• stereotypes
• labels
• religion

Knowing your shame triggers will make you more aware, so you'll notice when you start to feel shame. Shame can worsen feelings of loneliness since it might cause you to withdraw from others.  Shame thrives off secrets, silence, and judgment.

To combat negative emotions like shame, consider talking to yourself like you would a friend. You could also provide self-comfort or reach out to someone you trust. Treat yourself with compassion and surround yourself with supportive people. 

Ease up on perfectionism

If you have perfectionist tendencies, consider that this could stem from a need to be in control. You can combat these tendencies by allowing yourself to be silly from time to time. Of course, the whole world doesn't have to see your goofy side, but you may want to be willing to show it to a chosen few. The more you can laugh, dance, and play, the easier it becomes to be less perfectionistic. It may not happen overnight, but you can practice and get better at it over time.

Refrain from judging others

Oftentimes, we might judge people in some of the same ways we judge ourselves. For example, if you judge someone based on how they dress, then there's a good chance that one of your shame triggers is how your attire is perceived by other people. By practicing compassion for others, you can also learn to be less judgmental towards yourself. 

Unresolved relationship challenges

Fights and hurt feelings in a relationship might not disappear just because you choose not to address them.  In some cases, these feelings may multiply and become even stronger when they’re ignored. Relationships can require compromise and hard conversations. Here are some tips for broaching the subject and coming up with solutions.

Call them challenges instead of problems

Instead of calling disagreements you've had with your partner "problems" you can rephrase them as "challenges". Words have power, so the way you talk about things can make a difference. A problem is something you must solve, whereas a challenge is something you can progress at over time. Calling something a problem can make it feel more complicated than it is. It implies that there's only one answer. A challenge suggests that there are multiple ways to improve.

Steelman their argument

This is the opposite of a strawman argument. A strawman argument is when you misrepresent another person's point of view by oversimplifying it. To steelman an argument, you could try to repeat back what the other person said to you. They can then correct you until you say it back to them in a way that they feel satisfied with. This exercise can increase empathy as you begin to better understand your partner’s feelings. 

One thing at a time

Try to overcome each challenge as it arises. That doesn't mean you have to discuss it right when it happens, but you may want to find a time to talk about it sooner rather than later. Even small disagreements can fester when they’re not addressed. You could also take some time to process the information and understand your feelings beforehand. Ask yourself if the disagreement is about more than what it seems on the surface. 

For example, sometimes a fight about dirty dishes isn't really about dishes at all. It could have to do with a bigger issue that has one of you on edge. By not letting too many challenges stack up, you can avoid a big argument that might cause emotions to escalate. 

Apologize thoughtfully

How you apologize matters. Your tone of voice, body language, and the content of the apology all contribute to how sincere the apology seems. Before you rush to apologize, try to see the issue from the other person's perspective. Showing compassion and empathy in an apology can make them more effective.

Relationship dissatisfaction

A recent study found that 28% or about three-out-of-ten people who feel dissatisfied with their family lives also feel lonely all or most of the time. The two often go together. 

In these kinds of situations, it can be easy to get caught up in day-to-day unhappiness and miss the bigger picture. If you're dissatisfied with your relationship and that's why you feel lonely, it may be time to address the issue. You could start by asking yourself these questions:

• Why are you dissatisfied?
• Why are you staying in an unhappy relationship?
• Are there things you like about this relationship?
• Does the good outweigh the bad?
• Is there anything you can do to improve the relationship?

Beyond these questions, there are a few other things you can do.

Confide in someone

It can be hard to know who to confide in. Friends and family members may be able to lend a listening ear, but they could be too close to the situation to provide objective advice.  Consider talking to a therapist about feeling lonely in a relationship. You can trust that they'll keep your conversations to themselves. An outside perspective might also give you the clarity and confidence to do what's best for the relationship.

Consider breaking up

If the reasons you feel dissatisfied are justified and there's nothing you can do to improve the situation, it might be time to go your separate ways. It might not be fair to either of you to keep a relationship going if it just leads to ongoing conflict. Weigh your options and be honest with yourself about the facts of the situation.

Social media

Loneliness in a relationship doesn't always mean the relationship itself is to blame. Sometimes, people get caught up in comparisons or feel disconnected because of the prevalence of social media. 

Instead of witnessing our friends’ lives in person, we're watching them through a screen. We can interact with them, but there's so much nuance that can be misinterpreted. We evolved to hear each other's voices and see each other's body language when we communicate.

One 2009 study found a positive correlation between social anxiety and the amount of time spent on social media and text messaging services. Socially anxious people not only spent more time online, but they were less comfortable talking to people in person. There are some proactive steps you can take to ward off loneliness caused by social media:

Spend less time online

Consider monitoring how much time you spend on social media sites. It might be best to use an app that tracks your time. Often, people are surprised by the results. Then, see which sites you would be willing to cut back on using. You can continue to use a time tracking app to keep you honest. 

Make an effort to see people face-to-face

Even if it sounds too extreme to give up social media, you can make an effort to scale it back by seeing more of the people you care about in-person. And while you're there, you might consider putting your phone away and making an effort to be more present.  Being around other people can help you reduce your social media use, and you won't have as many reasons to check your feed because you'll get the details when you see each other face-to-face.

Use social media as a means rather than an end

Consider using social media as a way to set up in-person connections. You could join forums about things you care about and set up times to meet people in person. You could also use social media to find local events to attend. If you use social media as a way to find people, rather than as your only source of communicating with others, it can be a tool to heal loneliness.

Loneliness is something we may have to overcome together. If you’ve tried these tips without success or just feel like you need more support to combat feelings of loneliness in your relationship, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Therapy, whether individually or with your partner, can help you build a greater sense of connection. 

When you’re feeling lonely, it can be hard to reach out for help, especially in person. You might feel embarrassed about your feelings or nervous about telling them to a stranger. Many people report feeling more at ease in an online therapeutic setting. Online counseling can also provide more convenience since it can be reached anywhere you have an internet connection.

Online therapy has also been proven in the scientific community. One study demonstrated the positive results of internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy for individuals experiencing loneliness.     

Takeaway

The antidote to loneliness is a connection. By learning how to be more vulnerable in your relationship and in other aspects of your life, you can start to feel more connected. It might take time, effort, and the support of a licensed therapist like those at Regain to see an improvement, but the journey may be worth it in the end. Reach out today to get started on your path to greater fulfillment.