“I Feel Unwanted”: How To Develop Better Self-Esteem

Insecurities can have a huge impact on both your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others. Self-doubt and poor self-esteem can hold you back from doing the things you want to do and or giving yourself love and care that you deserve. It may also leave you feeling misunderstood or overlooked in relationships that don’t offer constant reassurance. When you find yourself surrounded by insecurities, the key to improving your life and your relationships may begin with tackling negative self-perception and limiting beliefs, which can often be easier said than done. With the right direction and help, however, you can learn realize your worth and find ways to build confidence so that you can lead the life you desire without fear or doubt. Below are some tips that might help you get started.

Spend more time around people who boost your confidence

We often think of self-esteem as something that is only developed internally, but the things you experience outside of yourself might play a huge role in how you feel about yourself. 

For example, if you spend a lot of time around people who constantly put you down, whether seriously or jokingly, you may start believing these things about yourself. Additionally, choosing to continue these relationships might only reinforce this self-perception and make it harder for you to develop a healthier self-image.

Part of developing better self-esteem often includes altering your environment so that it is more conducive to change. This can start with spending more time around people who make you feel worthy and who let you know that you are amazing just the way you are. When you see that others value you for who you are, you can begin to see yourself in the same light.

Dress for success all the time

It can be hard to feel good about yourself if you aren't taking care of your appearance the way you’d like to. For example, wearing your least favorite clothing, letting your hair go wild, or not bathing for several days may make you feel less confident or promote insecurities even more. When you take care of your appearance, and you love how you look, your self-esteem may experience a massive boost. This doesn’t have to mean you dress in fancy clothes or do anything specific, just that you take pride in how you present yourself to the world. Whether that’s in sweatpants or stilettos, feeling equipped to take on anything that might come your way can make a huge difference.

Shift your focus to the things you love about yourself

It can be easy to focus on the things you dislike, but this way of thinking can result in bad thought patterns that might reinforce your low self-esteem and how it impacts dating. 

Instead of concentrating on the things that you are not happy about, try making a list of the things that you do love about yourself. Whether that be your facial features such as your eyes or something as minor as your nails, remind yourself of these things regularly. 

An attitude of positivity and gratitude can help you to shift your focus over to the love that you have for yourself rather than to negativity. This may make it easier for you to continue this habit over time.

Make an effort to pursue the things that will improve your self-perception

We can almost always make changes that can help us become better or make us happier. While there are some things you likely cannot change (which you may have to learn to accept and embrace), there are some things that you can change to boost your self-esteem. 

For example, perhaps you want to go back to college to get a degree so that you can start your dream career. Or maybe you decide to start exercising regularly to help yourself feel strong and disciplined. Try your best to pinpoint and make an effort to pursue things that might help you become more confident, not because you’re lacking something currently, but because you’d like to do even more to help your inner self feel recognized. 

Cultivate more awareness around your inner voice

Nearly everyone can have an internal dialogue that tells us what we think about ourselves and the world around us. When we allow this voice to go uncensored or put us down, we may continue to feed into these beliefs as they play back to us, eventually becoming something that we don't even notice. 

Fortunately, we can change this dialogue, and this change often begins with cultivating more awareness around our internal voice. Whenever you begin feeling bad about yourself, take a moment to stop, and consider your line of thoughts. How often does this happen? What type of thoughts are in your mind? Do they have any truth to them, or are they just putting you down? 

You may want to try mindfulness exercises to boost your awareness. However, once you have it, you can begin to modify these thoughts and improve your self-esteem.

Stop comparing yourself to others

Everyone in the world can be seen as a unique, different individual, and it is this uniqueness that makes you someone who can't be copied. 

Your value as a person does not have to depend on anything other than your existence as a human being, plain and simple. When you embrace this fact, you may begin to become more confident in yourself and find happiness in your own life rather than in the search for external things, including validation from others. 

Comparing yourself to others as a way to determine how valuable or wanted you are can brew unhappiness. Because every person is unique and self-worth does not have depend on how we meet other people’s standards, comparison to others can not only be unproductive, but also limiting. Each of us has our journey to go through in life, and yours looking different than someone else’s doesn’t mean you have failed. 

Start using positive self-love affirmations to reinforce your worth

Feeling unwanted in a relationship, whether valid or not, can go away with positive affirmations. Positive affirmations are designed to help you shift your thinking by reinforcing certain ideas that you believe in. For example, you may start your morning by repeating, "I am going to be productive and amazing today," and then go about your day with this belief and intent in mind. 

Something you might say to yourself if you’d like to boost your self-esteem might be, "I am a confident human being worthy of love and happiness." When you begin to believe in this statement and allow these things to come in, it can help you stand up to your negative self-perceptions and develop a sense of self-esteem that isn’t dependent on your successes or perceived faults. 

Learn how to be kinder to yourself (and recognize warped perceptions)

From our personal lives to our professional lives, many people expect a lot from themselves. If these expectations are not met, it can cause us to believe that we are not doing enough or that we are not enough to lead the lives that we want to. 

While we may sometimes need to hold ourselves to some expectations to achieve the things we desire, we might also need to learn forgiveness to avoid some of the negative side effects that can come with this type of behavior. The next time you are going to scold yourself for something, take some time to evaluate the situation fully. What could you have done better? What are some things that couldn't have been changed? How can you recognize the achievements that still exist in this situation? 

Approaching situations of failure with a desire to find the good in them may help you learn to thrive no matter what might be going on around you. You should also pay attention to any false perceptions that may be impacting the way you see yourself.

Seek professional help

Sometimes, poor self-esteem can be rooted in mental health disorders such as depression or anxiety. In other cases, the help of someone on the outside can be a necessary part of disrupting negative habits and thought patterns that might drive your low self-esteem. No matter what, talking to a licensed mental health professional can help you learn how to change your self-esteem for the better.

Options like online counseling can allow you to easily connect with a certified therapist on your schedule and from the comfort of your own home. Plus, you can save time and money by avoiding commutes to and from an in-person office.

Research shows that online therapy can be a more cost-effective way to pursue professional treatment, which may make it easier to attend sessions more consistently. Working on your self-esteem with the help of a professional can fast-track your progress and help you address any other concerns that might be at play.

Takeaway

Feeling unwanted, whether in a relationship or by others in general, can often stem from low self-esteem. When your feelings of worth are rooted in how much others approve of or want you around, it can be easy to see yourself as less-than. But with professional support and the right mindfulness techniques, you can begin to identify what drives your low self-esteem and find new ways to increase your confidence.