Are You Feeling Unappreciated? What To Do
Medically Reviewed By Karen Devlin, LPC
Although self-appreciation is important, no one wants to be feeling unappreciated in their partnership. It is admittedly unfair to look for your partner to fill an individual vacancy.
Yet, it is not unrealistic to feel like you need some sense of graciousness. Knowing what your good characteristics are enables you to realize how you positively impact the lives of other people.
It also enables you to recognize when those qualities are not being acknowledged or appreciated by others.
Expectations For Appreciation
During a partnership, you want to feel that your partner is supportive. Not only do you want to be told that you are loved, but you also want to feel it. You look for a sense of security and safety within the confines of your partnership.
One aspect of this is knowing that your partner appreciates the genuine you and the things that you do. It's common knowledge that partners don't always love everything about one another. Don't let negative thoughts get in the way because they can make you feel worse. Practicing positive affirmations can actually help you feel more confident and secure in your relationship.
It isn't realistic to expect your partner to view you as perfect. However, it isn't unreasonable to expect them to appreciate the positive characteristics that make you who you are. Know your own worth and express what you are feeling. A partner should know whether or not their significant other feels unappreciated so that they can both work on their own goals and show more appreciation for one another. Showing appreciation makes people feel good and makes people feel loved.
Isn't it why they fell in love with you in the first place? Keep in mind that the same appreciation that you want to receive has to be given. So, how do you know when this emotion is valid?
Signs That You Feeling Unappreciated Is Valid
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You Have To Point Out Your Good Qualities
- You should not have to sell yourself to your partner for them to see your value. If this is something that you feel like you have to do, you may want to re-evaluate the sincerity of your bond and whether or not the partnership is a healthy one.
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You Always Initiate Contact
- If you don't reach out to your partner, you will more than likely not hear from them unless they need you to do something for them. There are times when you wonder if you are becoming a bother because you feel like you're nagging them. A person that doesn't take the initiative, from time to time, isn't interested. It doesn't require a lot of time to say hello or let someone know that you are thinking of them, even if you're busy.
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You're The Only One Bothered By The Time
- A sure give away that a person does not appreciate you is that they aren't bothered by not speaking to or spending time with you. For you, it has an impact on how you feel. However, they are indifferent. This is a clear sign that you are more invested in the situation than they are.
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The Words And Actions Don't Coincide
- You're often left disheartened when the actions they do, don't support how they say they feel about you. Although the words are beautiful to hear, everyone wants to feel loved through actions and behaviors. At the end of the day, words are just words, and actions can be the most important thing to make a partnership feel successful.
How Much Of This List Can You Relate To Or Recognize In Your Relationship?
When your partner truly values and appreciates your presence, there is no such thing as "too busy." They want to talk to you, spend time with you, and show you that they care.
You would never have to question if you didn't pick up the phone, how many days would pass before you hear from them.
Remember, some of the busiest people in the world make time for their romantic partners, so a busy schedule is likely a poor excuse from your partner.
How Being Recognized Affects Us
Being appreciated makes you feel that your person values you, your presence and how you feel about them. You're being recognized and liked for the qualities that make you who you are. Additionally, feeling appreciated adds a sense of comfort to your life. You feel important through your connections to other people.
Being appreciated helps nourish a positive sense of self-worth. This is why when people are feeling undervalued, their self-esteem is often lowered significantly.
Feeling like this can often feel like a threat to your emotional safety. You're left to wonder if you can count on your partner when you need them, the way that you are certain they can depend on you if they ever needed to.
Emotional Damage
A sense of worthlessness often leads to emotional withdrawal, resulting in more serious issues. Having a partner that openly acknowledges how much you mean to them gives you a sense of emotional security that allows you to open up and your bond.
What To Do To Increase Reliable Appreciation
So, what should you do when your partner is making you feel like this? Remaining in a partnership that you feel undervalued in, is not a healthy choice.
However, before just up and running, you should allow your partner to correct their behaviors. There are times when some people get so used to functioning as a solo unit, that they forget the fact that there is someone else who they need to take into consideration.
Other times, the complaints that you have may have never been brought to their attention. Don't be surprised if you hear, "I've been told that before." They may have never been allowed to make changes in their partnerships, so they don't know how. Here are some things you can do to help get your partner to appreciate you:
Give To Receive Appreciation
Before you point out the behaviors that are making you feel that you aren't appreciated, be sure that all of your ducks are in a row. Partnerships are give and take.
Showing appreciation works both ways. Try to express appreciation and express gratitude to your partner on a regular basis so that you can make your partner feel good, while also feeling good yourself. Quality time is a great way to show your partner that you enjoy their company and feel good around them.
They don't last very long without reciprocity. Just as you want to be shown, allow your partner to feel and understand that you appreciate them for who they are.
The Golden Rule
One of the first things we are taught in school is to treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the same concept here. Express to them that you desire to be treated like how you treat them. Show appreciation to recoeve appreciation.
You were attracted to one another because you saw each other without obstruction and were both impressed with what you saw. Being with someone requires teamwork.
You have to be realistic about one another's imperfections and strong points while being willing to accept them and love them as a whole person. Not just the bits and pieces that you like.
This is what reciprocity is about - giving what you want in return. The lack of reciprocity causes the feeling of being ignored.
Be Open And Specific About How You're Feeling
Honesty and specificity are important in situations like this. You need to let your partner know what behaviors make you feel the way that you do. It is unfair to be vague, for fear of hurting them and then expect them to be able to address the issue successfully.
Appreciation Through Self-Care
It is nice to feel appreciated, but you must continue to appreciate yourself. No matter what is taking place between you and your partner, self-care is vital to your overall health. Self-care can help you to get in the right mindset when dealing with feeling undervalued by your partner. Find intrinsic value in the word that you do because it will make you feel satisfied and happy about yourself.
So, keep in mind that you are one entity, in a partnership. However, the partnership doesn't complete you, and your worth and value are not solely dependent upon it or whether or not your partner recognizes your worth.
Moreover, don't allow someone else's behaviors to dictate how you treat other people. Continue to put in the effort into your partnership that you want to receive in return.
Consider Couples Counseling For Unappreciated Emotions
To sum it all up, your happiness and self-worth are your responsibility. Still, it isn't unrealistic to expect your partner to enhance certain emotions throughout your partnership and address your feelings.
There has to be an understanding that you don't want to feel taken for granted, neglected, or as if you are not important to them. Feelings of resentment are unhealthy and it's important to take steps to connect the emotions with the behaviors that invoke them.
Discuss the issue with your partner in an open, calm and honest manner. Then, work together to find a resolution. If you two cannot find a resolution by yourselves, consider going to couples counseling. There are many different types of family therapy and couples counseling that has proved to drastically improve situations within partnerships! If you need help discussing this issue with your partner, you could try talking to your parents, or other family members for advice.
A licensed counselor can help your partner understand what they do that contributes to you feeling unappreciated. They can also help you to appreciate yourself and know if your concerns are valid
Conclusion On Appreciation And Value
Final thoughts: Partnerships have ups and downs, highs, and lows.
Feeling unappreciated in your relationship can stress an already delicate situation. There will be challenges and hurdles, and, sometimes, you may feel like you're not valuable to your partner. However, if you are committed to making it work, you will be amazed at how much you can overcome, together.
Commonly Asked Questions Below:
What does it mean when you feel unappreciated?
What should I do if I feel unappreciated?
How do you know if you're unappreciated?
What happens when a woman feels unappreciated?
What do you call a person who doesn't appreciate?
How do you know if you are valued in a relationship?
How can I feel more valued?
How do I talk to my boyfriend about feeling unappreciated?
What do you do when your boyfriend doesn't appreciate you?
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) on Appreciation
What does it mean to be unappreciated?
Simply put, this experience means that in one situation or another, you've felt that your value or contribution isn’t enough. This manifests in different ways and can spring up from several different contexts. So, the first step to knowing if you’re feeling unappreciated this is assessing the context where you’re experiencing it.
For example, you may be feeling a lack of recognition at work. In this case, you probably felt like you were doing more work than your colleagues, even though you received the same pay or praise as them. Or, you may have felt that you’re always expected to step up and do extra work, even if it’s outside your job description and you’re not getting paid for your extra efforts.
In a partnership, not acting like you're enough can look like your partner always prioritizing other people or tasks above you. For example, instead of spending time with you, they may always be spending time with other friends. Or, you may have felt that in terms of work around the house or in the partnership, they don’t pull their own weight. You may be feeling like you do all – or the vast majority of – the hard work and heavy lifting in the partnership. This can also be a sign of this in your family or home dynamic.
How do you deal with undervalued emotions?
If you’re feeling unappreciated, you should start by examining yourself. Remember, feeling unappreciated doesn’t mean that the people around you don’t notice you. They may not see the patterns in their behavior and they might not understand how their actions are hurting you. So, the first step to dealing with feeling unappreciated is talking to the person who makes you experience these feelings.
This could mean asking to talk to your boss and explaining how the extra work that you felt expected to do is outside the purview of your contract. Talking through the feelings is the first step, because in many cases, the other person wouldn’t have guessed that you felt so unappreciated.
Then, you should talk through and settle on a plan for real behavior change. This means that, in whichever context you’re not being recognized in, you should have some ideas to propose how changing the dynamic could make everyone acknowledge each other more. Also, it’s important to keep in mind that even though you can raise the issue, you cannot force anyone to change their behavior.
What do you say to someone who is unappreciated?
Before you find the right words to say to someone who’s experiencing this, there are definitely a few things that you shouldn’t say and do. Most importantly, you shouldn’t discount their emotions or tell them that they’re incorrect.
In terms of what to tell someone who’s experiencing these feelings, you can start with two simple expressions: “I’m sorry” and “thank you.” Both of these are straightforward ways to address their emotions of being unimportant. They say that you acknowledge how you contributed to their experience, and how you want to show more appreciation towards them.
The most direct way, though, if you want to help someone stop feeling unappreciated, is to simply ask them what they need. They may not have an answer immediately, and they may need some time to think about it. But, when you’re both open and honest about what makes you experience importance in a partnership, both of you can help the other be recognized and loved.
How do you know if you're being taken for granted?
In any partnership, whether it’s at work or home, there’s the chance that you’ll be taken for granted or unappreciated. There are a few key indicators that show up when someone is feeling unappreciated or like they’re being taken for granted. Some of the top ones are:
- No one can see (or chooses not to see) you.
- Thinking, “If I weren’t here, no one would miss me.”
- Interpreting people’s “I’m too busy” as more than excuse, but as something personal.
- Resentment towards the other person.
- Thinking that you are intruding on the other person’s time, skills, or energy.
- Thinking that you don’t add much value or contributions to the other person’s life.
All of these feelings and thoughts have been shown to contribute to depression, so it’s important to assess your emotions seriously and honestly when it comes to feeling this.
Basically, if you're constantly feeling that your presence or contribution in any partnership is going unnoticed or unappreciated by the people around you, then you might be being taken for granted. But remember, just because it's feeling this way doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. Of course, the emotions are real. But, the others around you – your colleagues, your partner, your family – might also be having a hard time expressing their appreciation. If this is the case, this imbalance in the partnership can often be solved by talking through their emotions and listening intently and intentionally to their responses. From there, you can build better intentions and better actions towards each other into the partnership.
How do you know if your partner appreciates you?
If you’re experiencing the emotion of being unappreciated, you may want a sign from your partner that they actually cherish you. It’s easy to immediately jump to grand romantic gestures, expensive gifts, and outstanding proclamations of love. And while these things may make you seem more important in a partnership, they are only temporary fixes.
For a long-term and sustainable model, you should look to the day to day life of the partnership. While an expensive gift is great every now and then, having your partner help with the dishes every day or tell you that they love and appreciate you is actually a much better way to find value in the partnership. Maybe your partner isn’t outspoken, and this leaves you to think you're unappreciated. However, talking to your partner about how you are feeling can often prompt them to be more open and expressive when it comes to showing you how valuable you are to the partnership.
What do you do when you feel like no one appreciates you?
If you think that no one appreciates you or that you're unappreciated, the first thing to do is to look at the contexts where you felt this way the most often. Then, you should ask yourself, “What would need to change in each of these contexts to make me happier?” In some instances, it may be something that you need to change about yourself. In other cases, it might require an honest conversation with your boss, housemates, or partner about how you're feeling.
It really helps to make a list of these changes that you’d like to see in yourself and others. Then, consider which items on the list are immediately actionable. If there are behavior changes that you need to make, like stepping back from tasks at work that aren’t part of your job description or having a serious talk with your housemates about mutual respect, then start those right away. In many cases, talking out your emotions with your colleagues, partner, or family is the first step to solving this.
How do you make him appreciate you?
If your partner seems to be taking you for granted, or if you’re experiencing underappreciation by your partner, there are a few things you can try. First, talk to him. He might not know how you felt; he might be surprised to know that you felt like you’re being taken for granted. When you talk to him, though, be sure to use calm and neutral language, “I” statements, and be totally honest. This isn’t a blame game: it’s an attempt to make your partnership better.
