Feeling Unappreciated In A Relationship: How Online Therapy And Gratitude Can Help

What does it mean to be unappreciated?

Simply put, this experience means that in one situation or another, you've felt that your value or contribution isn’t enough. Feeling unappreciated means that your efforts are not recognized or valued by others. Feelings of being unappreciated could take a toll on your own happiness. This manifests in different ways and can spring up from several different contexts. So, the first step to knowing if you’re feeling unappreciated is assessing the context where you’re experiencing it.

For example, you may be feeling a lack of recognition at work. In this case, you probably felt like you were doing more work than your colleagues, even though you received the same pay or praise as them. Or, you may have felt that you’re always expected to step up and do extra work, even if it’s outside your job description and you’re not getting paid for your extra efforts. 

In a partnership, not acting like you're enough can look like your partner always prioritizing other people or tasks above you. For example, instead of spending time with you, they may always be spending time with other friends. Or, you may have felt that in terms of work around the house or in the partnership, they don’t pull their own weight. You may be feeling like you do all – or the vast majority of – the hard work and heavy lifting in the partnership. This can also be a sign of this in your family or home dynamic.

How do you respond when you feel you're being undervalued?

What can you do if you’re feeling unappreciated? If you’re feeling unappreciated, you should start by examining yourself. Remember, feeling unappreciated doesn’t mean that the people around you don’t notice you. They may not see the patterns in their behavior and they might not understand how their actions are hurting you. So, the first step to dealing with feeling unappreciated is talking to the person who makes you experience these feelings. Ask them personally in a professional manner. 

This could mean asking to talk to your boss and explaining how the extra work that you felt expected to do is outside the purview of your contract. Talking through the feelings is the first step, because in many cases, the other person wouldn’t have guessed that you felt so unappreciated. It could be just a simple mistake as well that they didn’t notice.

Then, you should talk through and settle on a plan for real behavior change. This means that, in whichever context you’re not being recognized in, you should have some ideas to propose how changing the dynamic could make everyone acknowledge each other more. Also, it’s important to keep in mind that even though you can raise the issue, you cannot force anyone to change their behavior. In addition to that, try to also do some self-reflection. There’s a reason why some things just happen, but instead of dwelling on it, focus on improving yourself and doing the things that make you feel good. Watch some motivational videos like TEDX Talk for example. If you made a mistake, don’t forget to try to correct the mistake or wrongdoing. That simple mistake could be a factor in why you’re being undervalued, work on not repeating the same mistake.

What do you say to someone who is feeling unappreciated?

Before you find the right words to say to someone who’s experiencing this, there are definitely a few things that you shouldn’t say and do. Most importantly, you shouldn’t discount their emotions or tell them that they’re incorrect. Don’t invalidate the unappreciated feeling they are experiencing.

In terms of what to tell someone who’s experiencing these feelings, you can start with two simple expressions: “I’m sorry” and “thank you.” Both of these are straightforward ways to address their emotions of being unimportant. They say that you acknowledge how you contributed to their experience, and how you want to show more appreciation towards them. 

The most direct way, though, if you want to help someone stop feeling unappreciated, is to simply ask them what they need. They may not have an answer immediately, and they may need some time to think about it. But, when you’re both open and honest about what makes you experience importance in a partnership, both of you can help the other be recognized and loved. If it’s your friends who are feeling unappreciated, the best thing to do is to actively listen to their concerns. Don’t invalidate their feelings. Try to do things that make them feel good to ease the heavy feeling they are experiencing. Try to also give some advice and motivation. Make sure to acknowledge their efforts and say nice things to uplift them.

How do you know if you're being taken for granted?

In any partnership, whether it’s at work or home, there’s the chance that you’ll be taken for granted or unappreciated. Try to assess and reflect on all the things that happened, you might realize that someone might be taking advantage of you without acknowledging your efforts. There are a few key indicators that show up when someone is feeling unappreciated or like they’re being taken for granted. Some of the top ones are:

• No one can see (or chooses not to see) you.
• Thinking, “If I weren’t here, no one would miss me.”
• Interpreting people’s “I’m too busy” as more than excuse, but as something personal.
• Resentment towards the other person.
• Thinking that you are intruding on the other person’s time, skills, or energy.
• Thinking that you don’t add much value or contributions to the other person’s life.

All of these feelings and thoughts have been shown to contribute to depression, so it’s important to assess your emotions seriously and honestly when it comes to feeling this.

Basically, if you're constantly feeling that your presence or contribution in any partnership is going unnoticed or unappreciated by the people around you, then you might be being taken for granted. But remember, just because it's feeling this way doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. Of course, the emotions are real. But, the others around you – your colleagues, your partner, your family – might also be having a hard time expressing their appreciation. If this is the case, this imbalance in the partnership can often be solved by talking through their emotions and listening intently and intentionally to their responses. From there, you can build better intentions and better actions towards each other into the partnership.

How do you know if your partner appreciates you?

If you’re experiencing the emotion of being unappreciated, you may want a sign from your partner that they actually cherish you. It’s easy to immediately jump to grand romantic gestures, expensive gifts, and outstanding proclamations of love. And while these things may make you seem more important in a partnership, they are only temporary fixes.

For a long-term and sustainable model, you should look to the day-to-day life of the partnership. While an expensive gift is great every now and then, having your partner help with the dishes every day or tell you that they love and appreciate you is actually a much better way to find value in the partnership. Maybe your partner isn’t outspoken, and this leaves you feeling unappreciated. However, talking to your partner about how you are feeling can often prompt them to be more open and expressive when it comes to showing you how valuable you are to the partnership. Carefully talk to your partner about the issue, before it affects your kids, and even outside relationships like parents and loved ones. There could be a slight misunderstanding or mistake on the other end, if it’s a mistake try to sort it out with your partner.

What do you do when you feel unappreciated?

If you think that no one appreciates you or that you're unappreciated, the first thing to do is to look at the contexts where you felt this way the most often. Was there a mistake? Where does it occur usually? Then, you should ask yourself, “What would need to change in each of these contexts to make me happier?” In some instances, it may be something that you need to change about yourself. You could have made an accidental mistake that you need to correct. In other cases, it might require an honest conversation with your boss, housemates, or partner about how you're feeling.

It’s okay to commit a mistake and be aware of it. It really helps to make a list of these changes that you’d like to see in yourself and others. Then, consider which items on the list are immediately actionable. If there are behavior changes that you need to make, like stepping back from tasks at work that aren’t part of your job description or having a serious talk with your housemates about mutual respect, then start those right away. In many cases, talking out your emotions with your colleagues, partner, or family is the first step to solving this.

How do you make your partner appreciate you?

If your partner seems to be taking you for granted, or if you’re experiencing underappreciation by your partner, there are a few things you can try. First, talk to him. He might not know how you felt; he might be surprised to know that you felt like you’re being taken for granted. When you talk to him, though, be sure to use calm and neutral language, “I” statements, and be totally honest. This isn’t a blame game: it’s an attempt to make your partnership better. Avoid opening up a past mistake and focus on the issue at present.

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