Premarital Questions That Will Help You Understand Your Partner

By Patricia Oelze|Updated July 12, 2022
CheckedMedically Reviewed By Aaron Dutil , LMHC, LPC

You and your partner probably feel like you know each other pretty well already, right? But do you know all of the important things that you should know? After all, getting married is a big decision, and your marriage is something that you want to work out. By talking with your partner and going through some of these questions before you get married, you can set yourself up for success and make sure that you know and understand your partner.

Premarital Questions You Need To Ask

How Do You Feel About Children?

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This may be the most important question for you to ask, especially if this is your first relationship and neither of you has children. If you happen to want many kids and your partner does not want any, that could be a deal-breaker. It is better if you know these things early before you get serious but if things have been moving quickly and it has not come up yet, now is the time.

And if you do want to have children, what are your parenting styles? Do you believe in spanking, or are you more into the "time out" punishment? How do you plan on raising your child? Do you want them to say "yes, sir" or "yes, ma'am" all the time, or are you a more casual parent? Parenting disagreements are the second most common argument in marriage, with money being the first. Take the time to talk about this before it becomes an issue.

What Do You Want In Life?

This is the most important thing for you and your partner to discuss. You want to know what they want in life, and you want to know if it matches up with what you want in life. If they want to go live in another country and stay close to home, you need to discuss this. You want to make sure you understand each other right from the start, so you can make sure that you are on the same page and your marriage will not be over before it even begins.

What Do You Think About Money?

Talking about money and the way that it is going to impact your relationship is important. You want to have a good relationship with your partner, and money is the number one thing that couples fight about. If you can talk about money and handle it before the marriage starts, you will be on the right track. You will want to talk about more than just the money you have but the money you may have (or may not have) and what you will do if there are problems in the relationship related to money.

It is also good to find out if your partner has any major debt following them around. You don't want to get married and then find out that he or she owes $100,000 in student loans that have to be paid back. And what if you have a ton of credit card debt that has to be paid? Talk about these things and discuss your credit and whether you want to fix these issues before getting married.

Who Does What In The Household Chores?

If you have already been living together, this question may have already been answered. But, not so fast! Expectations may change after you get married. Believe it or not, some men still expect women to do all the household chores no matter what. Even if she works a full-time job, he may be helping out right now, but what if he thinks you should take over the chores after the wedding? This is a serious issue and should be discussed.

How Close Are You With Your Family?

Talking about family is essential. Even if you have known each other your whole lives and think you know everything about them, you should ask this anyway. How a person gets along with their family can tell you a lot about that person. Are they the "black sheep" of the family? You may want to find out why. Or if they are really close with their family and expect to visit them several times a week, you probably need to know that too. Also, talk about your own family. What if your partner does not get along with one of your parents but is very close to them? These things will need to be worked out before the "I do" happens.

What About Religion?

If you have been with your partner for a long time, you may know whether or not they are religious or not. However, these things are private for some people, and there may very well be many things that your partner has not told you about. They may just be taking a hiatus from church because of a life crisis or losing a loved one, but eventually, they may start wanting to go to church every week again. If you are not religious and do not want to go to church, this could be a problem. Those who are religious take their religion seriously, which could be a major conflict between you two.

Who Can You Talk To?

Do you want to keep all of your relationship problems to yourself? Do you want to be able to talk to a close friend or family about relationship problems? This is something you want to talk about with your partner. You may be the type that wants to open up to someone about your troubles, but they may be more stoic or introverted and want to keep your problems private. You want to know what each of you expects, so neither one feels upset or betrayed by the other when there's a problem.

What About Politics?

This has been a major topic in the news in the United States for the past several years. What if you are a Republican and your partner is a Democrat? What if you have major political opinions and your partner hates anything to do with politics? These kinds of issues may not seem important when you are getting ready for weddings, but this is a really big deal for some people. Find out now before you tie the knot whether you are politically compatible.

How Do We Deal With Conflict?

When you are in the honeymoon stage (yes, there is one before the wedding, too), it can feel like there will never be anything that you will fight about. It is a cycle in relationships. When you first start dating, you feel like they are perfect and that you will never fight. And then the honeymoon wears off, and you fight (at least once in a while), but you work through it. And then you get engaged, and you enter into a new honeymoon stage, but it will not last either. Every couple fights, but it is how you deal with those fights that are most important. So how are you going to work through fights and disagreements? This is important before you get married.

How Do You Feel About Alcohol And Drugs?

You may think you already know the answer to this, and you may be right. But believe it or not, some people have no idea how their partner feels about drinking and doing drugs because it just never came up. What if your partner does not see anything wrong with using illicit drugs like ecstasy to enhance sexual pleasure and you are a drug-free person? Or what if your partner is a recovered alcoholic and you like to drink sometimes? These things need to be discussed.

How Often Do You Want Sex?

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Speaking of sex, how often do you both want it? This is a serious question. Sexual intimacy is important in any relationship, and making sure you are both on the same page, so to speak, is essential. For example, what if he is the kind of person who wants sex every day and you prefer once a month or less? It happens, even in a new relationship. Talk about it and see how your partner feels. And how you are going to feel after the relationship is not new anymore. If one of you is going to get bored and expect to change things up once in a while, you need to know that. Make sure you both feel the same way about infidelity as well. You need to know if your partner is going to want to have an open relationship or not. That could be a deal-breaker right there.

What If I Get Fat Or Go, Bald?

Although you may think your partner will love you no matter what, some things may be deal-breakers, and you better find out what they are before the wedding. Does your partner have some intense disgust for people who are overweight? What if you get pregnant and gain 100 pounds, or you have another medical condition that makes you gain weight? Is that going to be a problem?

Talking To Someone

If you need a little help getting through these relationship questions, you want to seek professional help. A professional like those at can guide you and your partner, encourage you to open up, and understand what is important about your relationship and each other before you get married. You both want this to succeed because you love each other, but not getting things out in the open before getting married can lead to problems down the road.

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