How Marriage Counseling Can Revitalize Your Relationship
Updated February 23, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Dawn Brown
It's no secret; marriage is hard. It may seem counterintuitive that one of the best events in your life (your wedding) could cause you so much pain later. Even the best marriages go through rough patches that leave you wondering if marriage counseling could be the solution to your problems. The thing is, good relationships take work.
Someone who expects married life to be a walk in the park might not have what it takes to stick with their husband or wife through the good and the bad. Someone who acknowledges that ups and downs are a part of life and is ready to do what it takes to get through challenges will probably be more likely to make things work.
According to the American Psychological Association, "about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher." Marriage isn't easy, but at least this means that 50 to 60 percent of marriages still make it. So, how do you save a marriage that feels like it's falling apart? That's where marriage counseling comes in.
Why Married Couples Seek Out Counseling
If you've been seriously thinking about going to a marriage counselor, you might be wondering if your problems are normal couple of problems. You might ask yourself, "Do other people go through this with their spouse? What will a counselor think?" Luckily, a survey conducted by Statistic Brain in 2017 revealed some of the top reasons why married couples go to counseling. The top three responses were:
- "We love each other,but something is just wrong" (22%)
- "We don't communicate well" (19%)
- "One partner has committed infidelity" (16%)
See how the top reason couples go to marriage counseling is so vague? You might just feel like something is off, but not know what it is. Whatever the reason, admitting that there's a problem in your marriage and being willing to work at it are two important first steps. There's no shame in seeking help for a small problem (even if you're not sure what the problem is yet) before it gets worse.
Does Marriage Counseling Even Work?
A quick look at the information available on marriage counseling shows mixed results. The New York Times states, "Two years after ending counseling, studies find, 25 percent of couples are worse off than they were when they started, and after four years, up to 38 percent are divorced." These statistics are concerning, but keep in mind that this means 75 percent of couples aren't worse off after counseling and 62% stay together.
What these mixed statistics tell us is that several factors can influence the success of a couple in marriage counseling. Three ways to improve your chances of finding a suitable marriage counselor include:
1. Finding A Professional With Specific Training And Experience In Marriage Counseling
The truth is, a lot of counselors who offer couples and family counseling are not specifically trained to work with more than one person. In a lot of cases, these counselors tend to provide only 'band-aid' solutions, like coping mechanisms, to deal with relationship issues.
Unfortunately, some counselors may not have the experience or expertise to get to the root of a couple's marital problems. The result is that couples may do better for a while after counseling, but these deeper problems eventually resurface.
2. Researching Different Approaches And Choosing One That Works For You
Learning coping mechanisms isn't a bad thing, especially if communicating as a couple is your weak point, but it's important to know what type of approach your counselor takes to help relationships. Different types of counseling have different methods and beliefs, and it's important to find an approach that makes sense to you.
Taking your time to find the right counselor is important. When it comes to fixing a broken marriage, some of the best approaches are the ones that investigate deeper issues rather than only working to improve listening and communication.
3. Seeking Help Early On, Not When Problems Get Too Big To Fix
Another reason why marriage counseling can be unsuccessful is that couples try it too late. If there's been mistrust, arguments, lying, and cheating going on in a marriage for years the resentment that's built-up in the relationship can be hard to undo. If one or both people in the relationship are ready to call it quits, it's possible that they barely made it to marriage counseling in the first place.
A lot of couples consider counseling to be a last resort. To some struggling couples, agreeing to go to marriage counseling might seem too drastic. However, it's never too soon to get help when you need it. It's better to get counseling and fix your problems before they get too bad than wait until it's too late. The lessons and tools that you learn in counseling can even help your relationship in the long term.
How Marriage Counseling Can Revitalize Your Relationship
Now that we've looked at why couples go to marriage counseling and why marriage counseling isn't always effective, it's time to learn a little about how marriage counseling can revitalize your relationship.
1. Learn Useful Skills
A counselor can teach valuable skills that will help committed couples succeed in their relationships over the long-term. These skills include things like how to communicate better and actively listen to each other. Other things that can make a difference are learning to cool down when tempers rise and having a calm conversation later.
If things like anxiety or depression factor into your relationship, a counselor can teach the person dealing with mental illness ways to cope (like grounding techniques, for example). A counselor can also teach the person's partner to understand how to help when certain symptoms come up and what things are not helpful in these situations.
2. Identify Root Problems
Learning different skills to use in your relationship is great, but it won't get you very far if you don't get to the root of what caused your marital problems in the first place. If you and your partner have been struggling to get along for a while, chances are it started somewhere. You may or may not know what the root of your problems is, but that's what often needs to be fixed for a marriage to thrive again.
A counselor can help you identify root problems in your relationship by getting you to think back to when your issues started. When was the last time you were truly happy together? When you fight, do you bring up things from the past that are unrelated to the argument at hand? Analyzing these important details can tell you what's going on and help you figure out what needs to be done to make your relationship better again.
3. Prioritize Openness and Honesty
When a marriage is on the rocks, some couples tend to shut down and barely speak to each other unless they're fighting. Other couples become used to lying and hiding things from each other, which magnifies their problems. In these cases, counseling can help couples start to communicate more openly and honestly again.
During your counseling sessions, you are there for each other. If you're attending, it means that you want to work on your relationship and you're willing to participate. It might be hard at first, but once you start to open up you'll probably feel better. You might learn that some of the problems you've been having are misunderstandings caused by your lack of communication!
Know Your Options
Finding an experienced marriage counselor can be tough, so it's important to know your options before settling on the first recommendation you get. If you're a busy couple without much time or you live in a rural area, finding a counselor can be even harder. What many couples don't know is that there are now alternatives to in-person counseling that are just as effective, and more affordable.
Online counseling and therapy services like Regain can connect you with a certified or professional counselor who you can speak to from the comfort of your home. If your partner does not want to take part in counseling, remember that individual counseling is another option that can help if you are struggling.
Marriage counseling doesn't always work for everyone, but it can give some couples a second chance at happiness. The key to successful marriage counseling is taking the time to find a professional who is experienced and qualified to help. Once you find a counselor, you both need to be willing to put in the work to make your relationship better.
Effective marriage counseling can revitalize your marriage by helping you learn to communicate and listen to each other better while also getting at some of the deeper issues that caused your marital problems in the first place. For best results, try to seek out help when you first notice there's a problem instead of waiting until it's possibly too late.
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