How To Choose Love For Yourself And Others

For many of us, loving someone else is simple. In a romantic relationship, you feel giddy in your partner's presence, appreciate them for their accomplishments, cherish the way they make you feel, and think they are an amazing person in general. And romantic love is only one of the many types of love we give freely. For example, we love and appreciate our friends, family, and pets. We don't think about it much; we feel it. 

Loving ourselves, however, can take conscious effort. The negative messages we all receive from time to time can undermine our self-confidence. While we may not find it hard to love and accept the important people in our lives despite their flaws, it's not always so easy with ourselves. That's especially true if we struggle to fit in. Sometimes it can feel like there's a magnifying glass in our minds, enlarging our mistakes.

The choice to love ourselves has a ripple effect in all areas of our lives, but the process can make us feel uncertain or nervous. Often, we end up overthinking, beating ourselves up, and becoming our own worst enemies. Loving yourself is a process that takes time and dedication but is uniquely rewarding.

How to choose love for yourself

Think about the reasons you love someone else. Pick a family member, a friend, or a romantic partner. What is it that they do, say, and are that makes you love them? Chances are, once you start thinking about these elements, you'll come to realize that it's not one thing over another. You may love the way they make you laugh or the way they make you think. You may love that they're always there for you and that they support you. Feeling love for them seems natural, right? Something you don't have to think about, like breathing. 

Now turn your attention to yourself. You are out there making someone laugh, making someone think, making someone's life easier or better. You are doing amazing things for other people and yourself as well. Think about all the people that you interact with and what it is about them that makes you feel the way you do. You're doing those things too, so why would you not try different ways to practice self-love for those amazing things that you can do and accomplish for others? Of course, looking at the things you do for yourself is another way to view love for yourself.

Many of us tend to judge ourselves harshly in a way we never would a friend, family member, or partner. Our inner self-talk can sometimes be far more negative than even we realize. These negative thoughts can make it difficult to accept and love ourselves, but we become so accustomed to thinking this way that it seems natural. It can be difficult to catch those thoughts and counter them with positive statements, but doing so can be the first step to finding compassion for yourself.

Think about what you do, whether it's working at a job, going to school, taking care of your children or parents, or anything else. These are all hard jobs. They all require you to work hard, think critically, make decisions, learn, grow, and be a strong person. It takes dedication to continue at a job or to work towards a degree. It takes a lot of dedication and hard work to be a stay-at-home parent or spouse. You are doing some great things that most definitely make you worthy of love from others and yourself.

What loving yourself means

Loving yourself, even when you know that you should, is a difficult concept. So many people struggle with it that there's a whole network of mental health professionals dedicated to helping alleviate those struggles. The important thing is that you do something that gets you on the right path. Keep in mind that it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or wrong with your upbringing if you struggle to love yourself. It means that you may need help. With some support, you can learn to love yourself more.

When you're ready to take that step and begin learning how to focus on yourself, think back to how you treat your loved ones. What do you do for them to show them that you love them? You probably run over to help them when they need it, right? You make sure you are supportive of the things they enjoy and participate with them when you can. You do things to encourage them and to make sure that they feel taken care of. Loving yourself starts with taking those same steps for yourself.

Have a healthy sense of self and be willing to take care of yourself. Be willing to give yourself personal time and space or support and encourage your wants, needs, and interests. Look for people around you that will help you to feel that way and will continue to provide for you the same things that you provide for them. We're not talking about physical things but about less tangible things, like support, encouragement, and love. By doing this, you set yourself on the right path towards feeling love for yourself. 

What does it mean if you don't love yourself?

Those who grew up in abusive homes or were neglected can be more likely to have difficulty seeing their value and loving themselves. But those who grew up in happy and healthy homes can also develop an inferiority complex or have difficulty loving themselves. There are many reasons why someone might grow up not loving themselves, and sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint where it started.

Not loving yourself involves consistently berating yourself for your mistakes, thinking about yourself in negative terms, magnifying your flaws, and thinking that you're not good enough. These patterns of thinking can become more deeply ingrained the longer that they occur. Over time, having strong negative feelings about yourself can wound your self-confidence and get in the way of striving for your goals.

Being heavily judgmental of others can sometimes be a sign that you don't love yourself. If you find yourself constantly criticizing the choices of others, it may be that you are projecting your internal feelings onto those around you.

How to love yourself

The journey to loving yourself takes time and patience. Your thinking patterns have created well-worn roads that your mind automatically travels down, and changing that response requires slowly and deliberately establishing positive paths. It's important to create distance where possible between yourself and any negative outside influences. Focus less on the nebulous and unattainable idea of being good enough for others and more on accepting yourself just as you are.

Forgive yourself for any past mistakes and make amends where you can. Too many of us live in the past, beating ourselves up for what we've done or think we've done wrong, without paying enough attention to the present moment. Part of learning to love yourself is letting go of anything you've been holding onto that doesn't serve you, such as guilt and regret. Give yourself permission to accept your past mistakes and errors and see them as stepping stones on the way to your future.

Another way to start loving yourself is to list your positive attributes deliberately. Everyone has at least one or two things that they like about themselves. Try to expand on this list as much as possible. You can also deliberately show gratitude for the positive aspects of your life. While you may not have reached your ultimate life goals, you probably have things other people wish for. Even if this is simply a roof over your head and electricity, adopt an attitude of gratitude now to make progress.

A persistent negative self-image can be difficult to change by yourself. If this is the case for you, seeking out professional help can be the first step in the process. A therapist works as an impartial, nonjudgmental outside party to help you learn techniques for changing your automatic negative self-talk, rebuild your self-esteem, and cope with your emotions.

Get support in your love life from an online therapist

You may have no difficulty sharing your love and affection for those around you, but struggle with loving yourself. This can be a lonely place to be. Never fear, you don't need to do this alone—you can find help from a therapist.

Normally, to find a therapist, we're limited by the number of professionals located near us, but that no longer needs to be the case because there's something else out there. Online therapy has become a very popular way to work with a therapist to make life improvements. By finding help online, you can get support at a time and place that works with your schedule, no matter how busy you are or how remote your location is.

Regain, an online therapy platform, has licensed therapists who specialize in relationships—even the relationship you have with yourself. When you're matched with a therapist, you can meet anywhere you have an internet connection and an electronic device. Your therapist can begin to work with you immediately on learning to love yourself and all that you are.