How To Focus On Yourself After A Bad Relationship Ends
Moving on from any breakup can be difficult, but moving forward after a bad relationship ends may be even more challenging. It may be necessary to engage in some soul-searching in order to heal from this experience. This might include reflecting on your feelings, assessing your future options, and making plans to get your life back on track. While it may be a tough time to go through, it could be helpful to recognize that the feelings you’re having now might be temporary.
The importance of focusing on yourself
Going through a rough relationship can drain you, both physically and emotionally. It may even have you looking at yourself from a negative perspective. Your self-esteem and self-worth may have taken a hit. You might feel undervalued, disrespected, or alone. This can make it challenging to engage in a future relationship or even set out to achieve personal goals.
Still, the end of a bad relationship may mark the beginning of a period of self-reflection. Spending time with yourself after a bad breakup could be crucial. During this time, you can relearn how to connect with yourself, be alone, and care for yourself.
Actions you can take when the relationship ends
A breakup can be hard to go through, no matter the circumstances. Some people may feel a form of relief, knowing that the worst is over. Others may have gotten used to the chaos and don’t know how to function without it. Either reaction is valid, but this could be a good time to assess your feelings. Here are some suggestions on how to redirect attention back to yourself after a bad relationship has ended:
Let go of your emotions
You may feel sad or angry, and these feelings are normal. It is okay to cry, and you may need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your partner and your relationship. For some, there may be a temptation to hide these feelings, but consider that keeping your emotions inside could lead to more pain. Releasing your emotions may be the healthiest response. Consider talking to a counselor, family, or friend. You could also write your feelings down in a journal.
Don’t feel bad or doubt your decision
If your relationship was a toxic one, ending it was the right choice. Still, you may have moments when you miss your partner. You might even wonder if you made a mistake by breaking things off. It could help to remember that although relationships can be challenging, love isn’t supposed to hurt.
Avoid contact with your ex
Some may be tempted to reach out to their ex after the breakup because they’re feeling lonely. Before you do, consider that reconnecting in any way may open the door to unhealthy interactions. You could even find yourself right where you started—back in a bad relationship. Thus, you may want to avoid their social media pages, sending text messages, or emailing.
Get to know yourself again
Consider getting back into hobbies or activities you enjoyed prior to the relationship, or try something new. You could consider ideas such as learning a new language, taking on a new DIY project, or learning to cook, for example. These could all be healthy distractions and may even help you get back to enjoying life again.
Take note on what you miss about yourself
Sometimes, bad relationships can distract us from some of the things we love most about ourselves. Think about how you’ve changed since the relationship began. Perhaps you made certain changes to your appearance, habits, or social activities to accommodate your partner. Consider whether these are things you miss. If so, it may be beneficial to revisit them.
Connect with friends, family, and people you care about
Some toxic relationships can put distance between individuals and the people they love like close friends and family. Perhaps your partner was jealous and didn’t want to share your time with anyone else, for instance. Or maybe you were embarrassed that your relationship was volatile, so you withdrew from family and friends. Maybe you unintentionally cut ties with people you knew as your relationship progressed. Now may be a good time to reach out and reconnect over lunch or a movie. Reestablishing communication with people you love may help you readjust to being single.
Be in the present
Perhaps the best way to move on from the past is to focus on the present. You may want to start thinking about your future goals and how you can begin working towards them. Think about your capabilities, things you enjoy, and what makes you happy.
Value self-love
You are worthy of a loving, happy, and healthy relationship. What happened in the past can’t be changed, but you don’t have to let it change who you are or the person you’re becoming. Consider taking care of yourself by eating right, exercising, and making positive choices for your future.
These are just a few ideas on how to redirect attention to yourself after ending a relationship. Taking proactive steps to deal with the emotional hurt of a breakup may be essential to your healing.
Confronting the impossible makes it possible
Right after a breakup, you might feel like healing is impossible. Still, dealing with what you think may be impossible now can open doors to new possibilities in the future. The following questions may provide another perspective on how you can focus on yourself after the relationship ends:
What made the relationship negative?
While dwelling on the past may not be helpful, it is okay to identify and reflect on any unhealthy parts of the relationship. This can help you to avoid falling into the same patterns of behavior in the future. Consider being as honest as possible with yourself as you reflect on your own actions and your partner’s. You may want to ask yourself if there’s anything you need to work on before entering another relationship.
What lessons did you learn?
Breakups can be both sad and painful. You may feel hurt or angry about how things ended with your ex. Still, the best course of action may be to accept the situation for what it is and reflect on what the relationship meant to you. When you consider what lessons you may be able to take from the relationship, you may begin to see this ending as a new beginning for yourself. Personal growth may include going through challenges that mold you into the person you want to become.
What standards do you intend to set for yourself?
Many relationships end because boundaries weren’t set or properly maintained. Now that the breakup is in the past, you may want to think about the standards you want to set for relationships going forward. For example, if you felt disrespected in your last relationship, you may want to ensure your next partner is clear about how you expect to be treated.
How do you plan to move forward?
Consider a workable approach to moving forward with your life. Accept that in the future, you may still think about what happened in this relationship. You could have some emotional scars that take time to heal. You may want to be patient with yourself as you move forward with your life one day at a time.
Exploring your thoughts and emotions can be a productive way to start focusing on yourself after a bad relationship. Taking time to care for and love yourself might also be important. If you find that you need additional support, a licensed counselor specializing in relationships may be able to help you work through your feelings and develop a plan to move forward.
Opening up to a counselor about your breakup can be hard, though, especially in a clinical setting like a therapist’s office. Online counseling has been known to put many people at ease when discussing sensitive topics like romantic relationships. You might also find internet-based counseling to be more convenient since you can attend sessions from home or anywhere you have Wi-Fi.
Online therapy is also research-backed. A comprehensive meta-analysis of studies followed various populations seeking therapy for a wide range of mental health challenges and conditions. Researchers were unable to find any significant differences in terms of outcomes between people pursuing counseling online or in person.
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Takeaway
As painful as a breakup may be, there could be a silver lining. Even if the relationship wasn’t what you hoped for, you can learn from the experience and achieve a better outlook for your future. It can be challenging doing this alone, and you don’t have to. Besides family and friends, you can build a support system that includes a professional relationship counselor like those at Regain. Reach out today to get started.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do you fix yourself in a relationship?
Working to create a healthy relationship is important, but the best way to do that is to work on yourself first and foremost. Many people will enter a new relationship while still wanting to work on themselves, which is perfectly okay.
While nobody is perfect and there will always be work to be done, this shouldn’t hinder you from creating new connections. However, knowing ways to focus on yourself while also being in a relationship can be key.
- For many people, the most important thing to do when entering a relationship (or at any point) is to be clear about your needs with your partner and set boundaries.
- Attend therapy – especially if you find that you struggle with maintaining your mental health, therapy can help you work on yourself. At the same time, in a relationship, and that’s essential for some people to maintain their individuality. Resources from ReGain can be a great way to connect with a trusted therapist online.
- Maintaining other friendships – keeping your life vibrant with more than just one relationship will help you gain other perspectives and avoid codependency with your partner, especially if you ever need to rely on someone other than your therapist to help your mental health.
- Find solo hobbies – Finding a hobby that you and your partner love to do together is an amazing feeling, but it is just as important to do things alone that you enjoy. This can be a form of self-care.
- Practice self-compassion – working on yourself starts with valuing and admiring yourself. If you struggle with self-esteem, try reciting self-affirmations every day.
Can you find yourself while being in a relationship?
It is usually possible to find yourself while also being in a relationship. A relationship should add to your life rather than take away from it.
Especially at the beginning of a relationship, but really at any point, it is important to put yourself first sometimes and think about yourself as a separate entity from your partnership. Ensure that you find ways to focus on self-care by going to therapy, seeing friends, and working on hobbies you enjoy. Avoid being codependent with your partner by encouraging them to value their self-care as well, and you can always chat together to appreciate and acknowledge how much growth you have done individually.
How do you stop focusing on a relationship?
Do you find that you obsess about how things are going and how the other person feels about you at the beginning of a relationship? This is an extremely common feeling, but it is possible to stop focusing on the relationship so much when you are confident. Lifehack says that a lack of self-confidence and a negative relationship with yourself can cause jealousy and codependency in your relationship. To combat that, it is important to focus on self-care and improvement above all.
Specialists at ReGain know that therapy can be stressful and inaccessible at times. Therefore, ReGain offers affordable, online therapy with licensed therapists. This is one great way to continue to focus on yourself rather than devolving into focusing only on a new relationship. Maybe it’s an exciting, seemingly perfect relationship, and that’s wonderful. Still, it’s important to continue maintaining your own hobbies, interests, and friendships to continue to be a person beyond this one connection.
How can I make myself happy in a relationship?
Often we think that entering a relationship may solve all of our problems and turn us into the happy, romantic person we might see in the movies. While your relationship should always be a positive thing in your life, it isn’t an automatic road to happiness. To be happy in a relationship, and that’s subjective, you have to be happy alone, as well.
Going to therapy can also be a great source of advice and support for anyone, not only those who experience a mental illness. Therapy is one great way to try to improve your happiness and add to your life while you’re in a relationship; however, other forms of self-care are essential as well. Namely, maintaining hobbies and friendships outside of but not closed off from your partnership could dramatically increase your happiness. As always, if you sense that your relationship is unhappy due to more serious factors, you believe it is causing excessive strain, or it is becoming unhealthy, you can break it off. In addition, if you believe you may be in an abusive situation, consider calling the domestic abuse hotline as soon as possible at 1-800-799-7233.
How do I break up with someone I love?
Ending a relationship with someone you love is extremely difficult, but if you know for whatever reason the relationship isn’t the right fit, or it has become unhealthy, it might be time to break it off. First, make sure that you have examined the issues you’re facing and, if possible, discussed them as a couple. If there isn’t a way to find common ground, this issue is a dealbreaker for you, then remain true to your decision to end things.
You can try finding support in friends, family, and therapy while going through a breakup. Try to remember that you are not alone, even though it may feel that way at first. You can also begin to find new things to do, such as hobbies, that bring you joy. Having a self-care plan ahead of the breakup can help you to take care of your emotions better and find happiness by yourself.
What are bad reasons to break up?
At the end of the day, everyone has different ideas of what a relationship should be, sets different boundaries, and lands on different reasons to break up. Sometimes, things could have been solved before breaking up or are very small issues, so they might seem like a “bad” reason to end things with your significant other. Some things that are easy to work on and therefore may be a bad reason to break up could include small fights, attraction to other people, or the end of the honeymoon phase. However, because each partner has different boundaries, something that one person deems a “bad” reason to break up may be a dealbreaker for the other.
If you and your partner are willing to work through an issue, it is possible to compromise. One great way to do this is through couples therapy. Couples who go to therapy to work through their issues have lower rates of breaking up and regret that things could have been better. ReGain offers affordable, flexible couples therapy online where you can discuss any issue with a trusted therapist. However, if you feel that you have tried several options and still experience unbearable issues in your relationship, that could be your reason to break up, no matter how others perceive your reasons.
What are the signs you should break up?
Everyone has different boundaries and red flags, but some situations may signify that you should break up. Some of the more common or serious red flags could include infidelity, different life goals or life stages, lying, or abuse. You may also notice that it feels like it’s time to break up if you resent your partner, never feel happy, don’t feel like you’re in love anymore, or your needs aren’t being met. In any case, you have the power to create a happier life for yourself. Especially if you are in an abusive situation, reach out to a trusted source, including the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233, if you need help.
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