How Do Affairs End Usually? Infidelity Can Last Years

Updated April 1, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

There are many schools of thought regarding extramarital affairs. In some circles, affairs are not talked about, particularly because they are regarded with disdain. To some people, an affair is the last act of ultimate betrayal, as it warrants a swift and emphatic removal from someone’s life. For others, affairs are painful but accepted, and couples try to move forward in health and forgiveness. No matter the cultural paradigm in real life or personal belief systems, certain themes tend to emerge when someone has an affair, many of them transcending age, years of marriage, background, gender, and race.

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Affairs and how long they last

Affairs are commonly referred to as intense emotional and romantic relationships with someone other than your partner or spouse. These relationships may last along a continuum, from emotional affairs to serial affairs, or romantic love affairs, and even long-term affairs which may span for years or even an entire lifetime. The emotional investment of the affair partners can depend on what type of affair it is, and how long the affair lasts can depend on several different factors. These types of situations aren’t always fixed, and seemingly meaningless affairs may transform into romantic love affairs, or an emotional affair may grow to become something bigger.

How long extramarital affairs last varies: about 50% may last between the period of one month to a year affair, long term affairs may last long-term, for about 15 months or more, and about 30% of affairs last about two years and beyond. Some even last for a lifetime. The period in which a couple feels “in love” during an affair normally lasts six-18 months, but sometimes spans as long as three years.

All types of affairs can be very personal for everyone involved. They usually bring with them many kinds of emotions — both the good and the bad. Sometimes, an affair ends when one (or both) of the partners decides that the affair has become more trouble than it is worth. They may then choose to break the affair off. In some instances, the affair is somehow discovered by the betrayed spouse, and this may bring a halt to the relationship. Every situation, however, is different.

How do affairs usually end?

Affairs usually end in one of three ways: divorce and remarriage, divorce and relationship loss, or the recommitment to the relationship that was betrayed. Each of these resolutions to an affair has its own pros and cons. They each also have a unique set of circumstances surrounding why they occurred, and how the parties involved in the affair reacted and responded.

1) Divorce and remarriage

For some, an affair indicates the start of a new relationship and the loss of an old life. In this instance, an emotional connection is usually a factor, and the spouse who had the affair leaves their spouse for their affair partner. An affair that ends in this way might set a cycle in motion that involves more affairs, subsequent divorce, and more marriage, but that resulting relationship might also prove to last a year or more; no two affairs are the same.

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2) Divorce and relationship loss

An affair might also end in both the loss of one’s spouse and the loss of whatever relationship prompted infidelity. In some cases, this comes as a result of all parties being made aware of one another; some people who step outside of their commitments do so without informing their affair partner of their marriage or long-term relationship status and endure the consequences only when their new flame discovers their lie.

3) More marital recommitment

In some cases, an affair prompts a revival of marriage and encourages each partner to invest more time, effort, and energy in their relationship. Couples in crisis can overcome the pain and betrayal that follows an affair. The road to recovery can take years and is very often not linear in its resolution. This means that marriages recovering from affairs might experience periods of separation, followed by reunions, with more separations and reunions year after year.

Although there are cases where both partners work hard to resolve their issues on their own, getting back together and working on your relationship in the wake of an affair often involves the help of a therapist or marriage counselor. There can be many painful, frustrating, and difficult interactions on the healing journey from an affair, but many of these can be overcome with the help of a mediating third person.

Cheating vs. an affair

The distinction between cheating and an affair is usually a matter of the brevity with which it is treated. Some believe that the bonds of marriage are more sacred than a committed partnership, and that stepping outside of marriage with an affair is far more egregious than cheating on someone you are dating because it can come along with a tremendous amount of shame and guilt.

This is not always the case, however, particularly among couples that do not prioritize the contract of marriage or are not bothered by an affair. If marriage is not seen as a normal progression of a relationship, there may be no real distinction between cheating in a relationship and cheating in a marriage. In these cases, the term “affair” can apply to a dating relationship, and the aftermath can be as overwhelming, painful, and devastating as an affair would be in a traditional marriage. Affairs are often characterized by repetitive actions as well, rather than a one-time event as can be the case with cheating.

Why do people have affairs?

Since affairs hardly occur without pain, heartache, and betrayal, it begs the question: why do people have affairs? Why bring so much pain to yourself, your former partner, and your current partner? Do affairs ever work? The exact reasons for engaging in affairs are varied and diverse, but there are often a few common reasons given. These can include:

1) Overall relationship dissatisfaction

The most common reason given for having an affair is experiencing dissatisfaction in your current relationship. People who are unhappy in their current love lives often believe they will find happiness elsewhere, aka by having affairs. They chase that rabbit hole to the inevitable conclusion of an affair. The result is rarely (if ever) effective in improving satisfaction but is frequently used as a temporary solution to what they are feeling.

2) Perpetuating unhealthy habits

For some, an affair is a simple (if unfortunate) manifestation of long-standing issues with intimacy, communication, and commitment. For these people, monogamous relationships might feel as though they are steel traps that must be shaken off in any way possible. An example is a husband still using the services of married affairs websites. This could be due to unhealthy relationship examples in youth (a parent who constantly dates, but never seems willing or able to commit, for instance), a traumatic dating history that was never addressed, or a simple fear of rejection.

When affairs occur in these relationships, it can often be unrelated to the relationship itself, or the partner involved, but rather based on unresolved trauma, pain, and maladaptive coping patterns. While this doesn’t excuse the behavior, it could help provide a possible explanation.

3) Addiction

Whether it is an addiction to sex, alcohol, or drugs, affairs can be a common companion to addictive behaviors and disorders. Just as someone who is struggling with substance use disorder must get more and more of their substance of choice to achieve the same high, someone who has an addiction might use the rush of endorphins and other hormones that comes with an affair as a means of achieving natural highs, and staving off predictability and letdown.

4) Poor communication skills

Communication lays the foundation for a healthy relationship, and the lack of communication can lead to decreased social function, increased relationship dissatisfaction, and a reduced ability to express your wants and needs. If you are unable to communicate that you are upset, dissatisfied, or feeling as though you want to step outside of your relationship, you may be more likely to indulge these impulses and have an affair.

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Affairs end

The exact trajectory of an affair can vary and differ from situation to situation. However, most affairs come with some type of pain, heartbreak, or damage. If you have discovered that your partner is having an affair or you are in an affair yourself, it can be vital to be open and honest about how you’re feeling. Whether you choose to repair the relationship is up to you and your significant other. Healing can be important for all parties involved, regardless of reconciliation or separation.

Online counseling with Regain

It can be difficult to determine what to do after an affair. In some cases, speaking with a professional and about your next steps can be helpful. Regain is an online counseling platform that provides mental health services for individuals and couples experiencing a variety of issues. If you’ve been through an affair and need advice, accessing therapy via the internet may allow you to feel comfortable enough to be transparent about how you’re feeling. You can choose when and where you connect with your therapist, giving you more control over your experience.

The efficacy of online counseling

Couples who are grappling with the effects of infidelity may benefit from online counseling as they decide what to do next. Several studies have shown that therapy accessed online can be just as effective as face-to-face options. In one study, researchers found that couples counseling delivered via videoconferencing proved to be “a viable alternative to face-to-face interventions, especially for those couples who may not have access to the treatment they require.” The therapeutic alliance increased over time and participants experienced improvements in their relationship satisfaction, mental health, and other outcomes.

Counselor reviews

Carla Noto-Vencill - MA,LMFT

Recovering from an affair can be difficult

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Cynthia Wiedemann - LMFTTerry Brewer - LCSW

Catherine Wilson - LMHC

Heather Connors - LCSW, PPSC

Joseph Frey - MA, LMFT

Stephen Robinson - MA, LCMHCS, LCAS

Darcy Dobb - LCSW, MHPP

Cheryl Williams - MA

Shannon Caraway - LCSW

Dr. Patrick Casthely - LMHC, MCAP, PHD

Dennis Doke - M.S., LMFT-S, LPC-S

Debra Jenkins - MSW, LCSW-C

Takeaway

Affairs can impact anyone, but not everyone handles them in the same way. How you choose to move forward is a personal decision that may be influenced by a number of different factors. If you feel confused or disheartened by your situation, speaking with an online counselor could help. Therapy is a personal experience, and not everyone goes into it seeking the same things. Keeping these things in mind can ensure you get the most out of online therapy, regardless of whether your specific goals are about working through an affair, or something beyond it.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

Do affair relationships last?

According to a 2017 study, relationships that start due to mate poaching are generally less satisfying, less committed, and less invested in when compared to people whose relationships started when they were both single. People in relationships that started with mate poaching also tend to be further interested in pursuing other relationship options. In other words, they’re typically more likely to cheat again.

How long do affairs last?

The longevity of an affair can depend on varying factors. Some are one year, and others don't even make it that long. A short-term affair could be anything from a one-night stand to an occasional hookup over a year. Some affairs last longer, and few lead to marriage. A long affair or long-term affair where there’s a serious relationship with a married woman or man could be anywhere from six months to several years, at which point the couple may be discovered.

How does infidelity end?

Infidelity often ends when it’s discovered by the partner who is being cheated on. In some cases, a person may stop being unfaithful when they feel guilty about it. There are many other ways in which infidelity can end. When infidelity is discovered in a marriage, the couple faces a choice. They can either decide to end the marriage and deal with subsequent issues of alimony, divorce, and child support, or they can choose to stay together. Many married couples stay together after one spouse has an affair. Some couples even use it as a wake-up call to deal with greater problems in the relationship and use it as an opportunity to bring passion back to their union. Others decide to divorce because they cannot move past the infidelity.

What percentage of infidelity ends in divorce?

It’s possible to save your marriage after an affair. In fact, many married couples stay together after an affair. Fewer than 25% of married men and women leave their marriage for a partner they met while having an affair. Therefore, about 75% of married couples remain together, meaning that a married woman or man is not likely to leave their marriage for a lover. This could be due to people not wanting to deal with legal issues like alimony, child support, and the justice system, or it could be because that affair was a wake-up call, which they used to bring further togetherness and intimacy into their own relationship.

Couples can recover after infidelity affairs or marital affairs, so if you’re wondering if that’s possible for a personal romantic relationship of yours where marital affairs have been present, know that it is possible if both you and your spouse are dedicated and invested in healing your trust and the relationship overall.

Are affairs real love? Can there be more to the infidelity?

This is a complex question that can significantly depend on your personal situation. Can people find love outside of marriage? Yes. However, in terms of statistics, does infidelity usually lead to happy, healthy, and satisfying relationships? Not usually.

Couples who started as cheating then later came together, whether they were couple friends, best friends, coworkers, or in-laws, tend to be deeply unhappy in their relationships as opposed to people who both started single. It may feel good at the beginning; you both love to spend time together in each other’s company. However, these affairs rarely last, especially when tested with real-life challenges. Also, someone who cheated in their marriage or relationship is about three times more likely to cheat again in later relationships. For this reason, it can be the healthiest decision to seek out available partners, because if they are cheating in their relationship, then they might be using you for reasons other than genuine love.

How many marriages survive infidelity?

More than half of marriages survive infidelity. Many couples even report feeling stronger and deeper in love after surviving an affair, but it often takes a lot of work and some deep forgiveness. There are many factors that could complicate the way that a relationship recovers from an affair; for example, if the affair partner is many years younger, there could be a particular sense of betrayal, hurt, confusion, and even a sense of inadequacy for the betrayed spouse. The same can be true for those who find out about long-term affairs. It is certainly possible that infidelity starts and ends multiple times. As the betrayed spouse, it can be important to seek support in order to heal and to give yourself time to grieve appropriately.

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