Emotional Affairs At Work: Understanding The Limits For Close Office Relationships
It's natural to feel attracted to other people - that in and of itself is not a transgression. You are going to meet coworkers or friends who excite or impress you; it is fair for you to feel drawn to these people.
We all know that, when you are in a committed, closed relationship, sleeping with someone else is generally considered cheating, but what about emotional affairs? These can develop from innocent beginnings and can be just as damaging to your relationship as physical intimacy. One of the most common places for emotional affairs to develop is at work. It's a place where you spend a lot of time together and can develop close bonds.
Understanding the limits for close office relationships is a useful skill for maintaining a healthy relationship and professional life.
What is an emotional affair?
Emotional affairs are characterized by two people who are not just emotionally invested in the relationship, but receive support and/or companionship from that relationship that they would usually be receiving from their romantic partner.
The depth of this bond leads to a growing connection that often creates a sense of sexual tension or chemistry and eventually dishonesty.
How to tell if you are in an emotional affair
An emotional affair may look similar to the early stages of a romantic relationship. This might include the following thoughts and behaviors.
- You think about your coworker early and often.
- You and your coworker crush start to talk more and more at work and outside work hours.
- Your spouse/partner seems uncomfortable with the relationship.
- Emotional distance begins to emerge between you and your partner.
- An urge to keep the relationship secret develops.
- You are emotionally invested in your coworker's approval/disapproval.
- You start comparing your partner to your coworker.
- Problems in your relationship are brought to your coworker instead of your romantic partner.
This list is not definitive, but may offer warning signs that you are developing an emotional bond with a coworker that threatens your current relationship's stability and strength. It is worth noting that some of these signs are a matter of degree and should be investigated, not just taken as a sign of disloyalty. Developing a bond and an emotional attachment with a coworker may involve some conversations outside of work, for example, and other coworkers may comment out of jealousy. Overall, however, if bad feelings start to develop between you and your partner, they should be addressed immediately.
Why are emotional affairs a problem at work?
When you think about what work is, it's not surprising that emotional affairs at work are such a danger. You spend a lot of time with your coworkers, perhaps over 40 hours a week, 8 hours at a time. That's a lot of time to get to know one another and get comfortable with the other person's company. Some people like using terms like "work wife" or "work husband" to describe close relationships they develop at the office. While they don't intend this other person to replace or threaten their relationship, it can easily become the reality of the situation.
As stated, it can be hard to separate emotional affairs from friendships. One of the ways emotional affairs develop is from innocent beginnings. We rarely see coworkers as potential romantic partners when we first meet them. You learn enough about each other to get along and do your jobs. Over time, this camaraderie can turn into something deeper.
Modern workplaces are also an interesting blend of people that can be very different from the rest of your life. Depending on the company, there can be a wide spectrum of ages and experiences. That much variety may feel exciting and expose you to ideas and people you wouldn't meet otherwise.
Emotional affairs can be damaging
It may not seem as bad as kissing another person or sleeping with someone else, but emotional infidelity can be just as damaging to your relationship. All of the damage from more 'traditional' infidelity can be caused by emotional infidelity. Your partner will lose faith that your relationship is trusting and open and start to feel undervalued. Even if they don't find out, whatever energy and investment you are putting into a workplace connection is energy not being put into your relationship. The damage that lies can do to a relationship is great.
Furthermore, workplace relationships, even just emotional ones, can damage your professional prospects. No matter how close your bosses want everyone to be, there is still an expectation you will keep it professional. When you show people that you can't be trusted not to get too entangled with your coworkers, it can reflect poorly on you.
How to avoid emotional affairs at work
There are clear guidelines to help you and your romantic partner ward against close office relationships that can become problematic. Some of them are general principles to be followed no matter the work environment. Some of them are more deliberate, depending on your circumstances. If you are starting to feel some distance in your relationship, for example, or find yourself drawn to a particular coworker, then limiting contact or having open conversations with your partner becomes more important.
Set clear boundaries
You can handle those interactions better by having conversations with your partner and your coworkers about what is and isn't acceptable behavior and by clearly stating that your objective is to grow your own relationship, not explore opportunities with other people.
Setting boundaries can be hard, depending on your work environment. Some cultures encourage everyone to be friends and develop close bonds. Barriers against that may come across as harsh or overcautious, but they can do a lot for the safety of your romantic relationship.
Limit contact
In general, try to keep communication with coworkers limited to work issues and during work times or to limit these interactions to group settings.
Avoid sending texts later at night or during any time you would usually be with your partner. You may also choose not to meet coworkers alone where intimacy can develop. Instead, socialize in groups with your coworkers to create reasonable expectations of friendship.
Talk to your spouse about work
Practicing full transparency in your emotions can help you avoid emotional turmoil. You may start discussing with your partner what you did during the day more often. Let them be your primary emotional connection.
Show micro-expressions of affection
If you feel like there is potential at work for something to distract you from your relationship, consider taking a step toward strengthening your relationship. Be intentional about expressing affection and appreciation for your romantic partner and set up a little ritual to connect as you head out the door.
How to get out of an emotional affair
If you feel you may be having an emotional affair, it is often best to confess your feelings to your partner. Give them space to process their feelings, and if you can, commit to moving forward together.
Understanding how to follow through on healthy tactics for maintaining a healthy relationship takes practice and patience. Navigating connections with enticing coworkers or the damage from dishonesty are challenging as well. Professional counselors like the ones at Regain are ready to work with you to navigate these issues.
You may choose to attend therapy together. If so, you do have the option of online therapy for your convenience. Research shows that online therapy for couples is just as effective as its in-person counterparts, so you don’t need to worry about losing efficacy by attending online according to your schedule.
Takeaway
Emotional affairs are real and do real damage. We all like making friends, and coworkers have a lot of potential to turn into something more. If you are careful about conducting yourself with true professionalism and recognize when feelings become an issue, you can avoid these problems before they begin.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How long do emotional affairs usually last?
An emotional affair will vary in length depending on many circumstances and the people involved. However, the “in-love” stage usually lasts six to 18 months and up to three years on average. An emotional affair can also be very short-lived. In other words, they don’t have an exact timeline. If you’re involved in an emotional affair, the sooner you can get out of it and let your partner know about it, the more damage you can prevent from happening. Although an emotional affair can be very hard to break, you risk causing more pain the longer it goes on. Many people use the term “work wife” or “work husband” to describe a close friendship at work when it’s actually an emotional affair. These affairs may be shorter-lived since it’s in a professional environment where people may be moved around frequently for job duties. However, they can also make the affair harder to quit if the work wife or work husband sees each other every day. The length of each affair will be different and depend on various circumstances.
How do most emotional affairs end?
Emotional affairs can turn out good and have happy endings, but more often than not, they end badly. This is due to the unspoken and unmet expectations that often come along with an emotional affair. Those involved in an emotional affair have to be on the same page for things to go well. If one person starts feeling guilty, they may quickly withdraw from the emotional affair without warning. This can leave the other person feeling hurt and confused. Those engaged in an emotional affair should realize the harm that can come from them, no matter how innocent their intentions are. Affairs often end in divorce, separation for a time, or recommitting to one’s previous partner. Every situation will be different.
Do emotional affairs turn physical?
An emotional affair has the potential to turn physical, but that doesn’t mean it will. You can take steps to ensure the emotional affair doesn’t start to move into being a physical one. The best thing to do is set up strict boundaries once you realize you’re engaged in an emotional affair. For example, if you have a “work wife” or “work husband,” it’s important to maintain a professional relationship at all times with that person. This means keeping conversations and hanging out strictly related to work matters. This is easier when your work wife or work husband is on the same page about ending the emotional affair. However, if they are not, you’ll have to work harder to stay committed to these boundaries. Open dialogue and direct communication about expectations are essential to be successful in keeping things professional. Keep in mind emotional infidelity can be just as hurtful as a physical affair, so you’ll want to put in the effort to prevent either of these from happening or continuing.
Do cheaters feel guilty?
Some cheaters feel guilty, and others don’t. A cheater may only feel guilty if and when they are caught. At times, a cheater may not even realize they’re cheating. For example, many people jokingly use the term “work wife” or “work husband” to describe a close relationship with someone in their workplace without realizing the gravity of that label. Often, people wouldn’t even call these relationships emotional affairs. This type of emotional affair can seem harmless to the people involved in it but can be incredibly damaging and hurtful to the partner(s) who feel cheated on. Many people will feel guilty once they realize they’ve been having an emotional affair, but this isn’t true of everyone. If you’re engaged in an emotional affair, it’s best to be open with your partner about the situation and express any guilt or regrets openly with them.
Why do emotional affairs hurt so much?
Emotional infidelity can be just as hard to come to terms with as a sexual affair. This is because an emotional affair can be harder to define than a sexual affair. The offending partner may feel like they haven’t done anything wrong, especially since no physical lines crossed. They may not even be willing to call these relationships emotional affairs. However, emotional infidelity creates vulnerability and intimacy between two people who aren’t committed to one another, which is just as hurtful to the person being cheated on as physical intimacy. Many use the term “work wife” or “work husband” to describe these relationships that they find so innocent, but even close relationships at work can quickly grow into something bigger. Those involved in an emotional affair should recognize that emotional intimacy is just as important, if not more important, as physical intimacy. This is why either instance of cheating will be hurtful, even if it doesn’t turn physical.
What is an inappropriate work relationship?
What are examples of emotional cheating?
How common are affairs at work?
Where do affairs happen the most?
How do you tell if two coworkers are sleeping together?
Are emotional affairs sexual or non-sexual?
Does an emotional affair ever work?
How can I prove that my partner is involved in an emotional affair?
Why do some individuals want to have emotional affairs?
Do emotional affairs last long?
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