Sex And Its Impact On Relationships

Note: The following article contains subjects of domestic abuse and sexual addiction. If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat. If you or someone you know is facing sexual addiction, visit Sex Addicts Anonymous, or call 1-713-869-4902 

The topic of sex in relationships is personal and nuanced. Some people don’t have an interest in sex or don’t enjoy it at all. For others, it is at the top of the list of must-haves for a solid partnership. For most, sex is an essential and valued part of romantic relationships. It can provide pivotal methods of creating and nurturing romance, passion, intimacy, and long-term bonds. Whether you are having sex or not, physical affection may significantly and uniquely impact your relationships.

The purpose of sex

While sex may still be viewed as strictly procreational to some, Sex has numerous purposes in relationships, perhaps the most obvious of which is procreation. The human species requires sex to propagate and continue. For this reason alone, sex is important for human relationships, as it literally allows humans to survive without some form of medical or scientific intervention.

Aside from the obvious, there are other reasons to value sex in your relationship. One of these is the unique physiological bonding ability that sex has. Having sex with your partner releases a flood of hormones, including oxytocin (nicknamed “the bonding hormone.”) Oxytocin released during sexual activity makes a couple feel closer, more connected, and better attuned to one another’s well-being. 

Safe, consensual sexual activity can also help maintain overall physical wellness. Research indicates that sex can aid in achieving better sleep, better heart health, and even better immunity—not to mention burn calories. 

How sex impacts relationships

Sometimes, sex impacts relationships by creating a unique bond between two people that cannot be replicated in any other way. While friendship bonds can certainly be strong, they do not possess the same powerful bonds that romantic relationships can provide, largely because sex is often a key factor in creating those bonds.

Sex can also impact relationships negatively. For some relationships, a lack of sex can make both partners feel frustrated, withdrawn, and resentful. It can significantly impact whether partners feel satisfied with one another or content in their relationship as a whole. If your relationship was once full of passionate, exciting sex, and it dwindles suddenly, you may wonder if something is wrong. That’s a possibility, but it’s also possible that your relationship has reached another stage of long-term comfort and stability, and the need for sex wanes in importance naturally. 

The drawbacks of sex

There are some instances in which sex has drawbacks within a relationship. If a couple rushes into having sex too early in a relationship, disparities can arise between how one partner feels vs. the other. One partner may feel more bonded and want to take the relationship to a more serious level than their partner, causing complications that can result in hurt feelings and difficulty. 

Having sex can also shed light on a fragmented relationship that might go unnoticed without sex. For instance, if communication is lacking, sexual difficulty can exacerbate the issue and reveal its intensity. If you are on diametrically opposed schedules regarding marriage and children, sex can also make those conversations necessary sooner in the relationship. While sex is an integral part of maintaining a robust and consistent bond in a relationship, in some instances, it can complicate existing issues.

When sex should take a backseat

Despite the importance of sex, there are some instances in which sex should take a backseat to other things in the relationship. If sexual addiction is present in either partner, a professional may recommend that sex be removed from the marriage equation to improve the addicted person’s relationship with sexuality. In virtually all treatment regimens for sexual addiction, sex is to be removed from the realm of possibility for a time, including masturbation. This is much like drugs or alcohol may be removed from the life of someone experiencing a substance use disorder. 

Sex may also need to be avoided for a time if one or both partners have been sexually unfaithful. If there is infidelity in the marriage, removing sex can help create a distance between a couple, allowing them the time and space to heal. In some cases, the healing period reveals the need to break up entirely, and in some cases, the healing period does a wonderful job of giving each partner clarity. In either case, sex can cloud both partners’ headspaces, and achieving clarity can be difficult.

Sex may also need to be avoided if any form of abuse is involved. Sex can impair your ability to look at your relationship objectively and create bonds that should be removed. If you are an abuser or experience abuse, removing sex from the relationship can make the space mentioned above. It gives you the time and energy to focus on healing or removing yourself from the relationship. All forms of abuse take a significant and intense toll on the person being abused, and sex may further harm them, especially if sexual abuse is involved.

How can I get creative with sex in my relationship?

If you and your partner feel that sex positively impacts your relationship, you may find that spicing up your intimacy can profoundly impact deepening your connection. Over time, our relationships grow and change, as do we – sometimes, this means that sex gets better over time, and other times it means that your sex life isn’t as exciting as it once was. 

There are plenty of ways to reinvigorate a lagging sex life, but the foundation lies with communication. Sometimes the best sex comes from clear, established boundaries and a good sense of what each partner expects/likes. Your sex life is a unique, personal thing; how you share it is up to you. You can experiment with exciting new things as long as you communicate established boundaries and try to learn what each partner expects/enjoys. 

This is an excellent time to introduce some fun things to do in the bedroom (or perhaps other places) or create a sex “bucket list” of things you’d like to try. Whether it’s lingerie, sex toys, new positions, or more adventurous things, spicing up your sex life can be exciting. 

Support is available for improving your sex life

Sex is a vital part of some romantic relationships. It can help bring couples closer together, help them overcome obstacles, and provide information about the relationship’s overall health. Despite its reputation as somewhat taboo to speak about freely, sex is a normal, healthy part of many relationships. It should be discussed frequently and openly between partners to facilitate the happiest and most functional romantic and sexual relationship possible.

But the role of sexual intimacy can also complicate or damage relationships. For example, in cases of sex addiction, infidelity, and abuse, all of which can create plenty of fear and trauma where sex is involved. Sex is integral to romantic relationships, but not all sexual connection comes with passion, heat, and a serene countenance. Finding a rhythm, a schedule, and a bond that works for you and your relationship can take time and effort. This need for time and effort does not necessarily indicate that a relationship is not healthy or that it is not “right.” Instead, a healthy relationship can be measured by the presence of communication and respect, especially when sex is involved.

Some people find that lacking confidence can negatively impact their sex life. If one or more partners in a relationship feel unattractive or have low self-esteem, it may deter a healthy sexual relationship. This can be true even for healthy relationships or in relationships where both partners are reassuring and make a solid effort to let the other know that they think they’re attractive and sexy. 

If you find that you or your partner struggle to talk about sex, connect through sex, or have trouble in your sex life, a therapist specializing in sex and intimacy may be able to help. A relationship specialist can teach couples to improve communication, cultivate self-esteem, and cope with challenges in their sexual relationship.

But some couples experience obstacles to therapy, such as accessibility, financial issues, and scheduling challenges. These barriers and more can be overcome with online treatment through platforms like Regain that connect couples with experienced relationship counselors. You and your partner can speak to a counselor from home at a time suitable for your schedule via phone, text, online messaging, or video chat. Online therapy is often more affordable than conventional therapy without insurance. Although research into online counseling for issues of sex and intimacy is limited, the initial findings have been significantly positive. 

Whether you’re looking to rekindle, strengthen, or change your sexual interactions, speaking to an experienced, licensed couples counselor may be the first step to better communication and sex.