Why Taking A "Should I Get A Divorce" Quiz Should be Done With A Grain Of Salt
By: Corrina Horne
Updated December 17, 2020
Medically Reviewed By: Lauren Guilbeault
The decision to get a divorce is a big one and can be a major source of pain, contention, and uncertainty in a marriage. Some people believe that a marriage should always be fought for, regardless of the circumstances involved, while others believe that divorce is often the best solution for a marriage that is doomed to fail. Few people, though, enter into a marriage believing that theirs is going to be among the divorce statistics so often cited by people unsure about marriage, which begs the question: how do you decide when to get a divorce?
The Most Common Reasons for Divorce
Divorce statistics are often incorrectly cited as involving half of all marriages, when the statistics are closer to 1/3 overall, and differ dramatically based on age, with the majority of divorces occurring in individuals over the age of 50. Within these statistics are the reasons most couples give for divorce. Although the most common filing complaint is "irreconcilable differences," embedded within the legal term is plenty of frustration, conflict, and difficulty, most of then not clearly delineated within a divorce agreement.
Finances are one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Couples fight over money more than most other topics, and finances can be an enormous source of tension and conflict in any couple, even outside of marriage. Within a marriage, though, the question of how to handle money often arises, and many people who marry have very different ideas of how money should be handled, including frugality, splurging, what constitutes a necessity, and how much of the money coming in should go to saving and investing. Finances can be an intense determiner in whether or not a marriage will last.
Infidelity is also ranked high on the list of complaints when couples divorce. Whether infidelity is a one-off mistake or a habitual behavior of one spouse, it often sparks a fire in one or both partners that are only quelled by separating and leaving the relationship behind. Although infidelity is statistically more likely to be indulged by the male in the relationship, men and women both cheat and men and women both decide that the marriage cannot survive this type of indiscretion.
The loss of intimacy can also lead to divorce. Couples who no longer talk, no longer share their lives together, and no longer have a sexual relationship often consider divorce, as these are the basic foundations for having a mutually satisfying relationship. In some cases, the reasons for the breakdown of these parts of the relationship are not able to be fixed, changed, or rectified, and a couple decides to take the steps to divorce.
When Is It Time for Divorce
Despite there being many readily-identifiable reasons for divorce, there is usually not a single timeline or single definition of when a couple should actually get divorced, nor is there any real "Is it time for a divorce" quiz. This is often a matter of priorities, belief systems, and support systems. If a person has a strong religious belief in marriage, and a family with a similarly structured belief in marriage, divorce might function as a last resort. Someone without these convictions, however, might consider divorce sooner in the relationship, when issues seem to just keep growing and growing.
Most people will agree that abuse is grounds for divorce and that staying in an abusive marriage is not healthy or safe for either of the involved parties. Some partners separate for a time, while the abuser gets help from a mental health professional in order to form healthier habits, while others are desperate to regain some sense of health and normalcy, and leave the marriage behind in favor of starting a new life. If you are abusing your spouse, or you are being abused, the first step is getting space from your partner, and seeking help. From there, the question of divorce can be discussed and determined.
Determining the so-called "right" time for divorce often involves the help of a therapist, such as those employed through Regain.Us. Therapists can help couples improve communication, determine exactly what it is that they want from themselves, their relationship, and each other, and work toward reconciliation or take steps toward dissolving their marriage. Bringing in a neutral third party can be enormously helpful in making the decision to get a divorce, and is usually a part of the process.
When to Fight For Marriage
There are times when both you and your spouse should fight for your marriage. The most common reason to fight for marriage is both of you want the relationship to work. Although it might seem easier or more convenient to get divorced than to put in the time and effort required to upright a marriage that has long been tipping over, divorce is just as complicated and difficult as working on a marriage. If one or both of the people in the marriage want to try to work their problems out, this is a great reason to fight for your marriage.
Many couples also fight for their marriage, rather than immediately leaping to divorce, when children are involved. Because many child psychologists have found that children's minds process divorce as a form of trauma, parents are usually encouraged to first try to make their marriage work, then move on to divorce if reconciliation is not possible. Again, the reasons for reconciliation not working are numerous, and rarely fall into a single category, but even marriages that have infidelity involved can recover, and go on to be lasting, healthy partnerships.
Why "Should I Get a Divorce" Quizzes Are Problematic
Deciding to get divorced is a huge decision, and one that will have an impact on virtually every aspect of your life-your family, your friends, your career, and even your mental health, physical health, and spiritual beliefs. Many people linger around the decision for weeks, months, or even years before taking the plunge, because it is such an incredible, life-changing step to take. With this in mind, it might be tempting to turn to a simple divorce quiz that can offer black-and-white advice as to whether or not your marriage is doomed, but staying away from this type of advice is likely going to serve you better in the long run.
Divorce quizzes run the gamut, from the simplistic quizzes offered on quasi-news sites, to the more refined quizzes offered by sites covering mental health topics, or offering advice regarding marriage or divorce. In both cases, though, the quiz is striving to quantify something that cannot be readily summarized, surmised, or identified without a great degree of introspection and discussion on the part of both you and your spouse. A "when to get a divorce" quiz might be useful in providing you with a jumping-off point for your decision, but should not be used as a deciding, definitive factor in moving forward with a divorce, or staying in your marriage and working to improve your relationship.
Divorce and Your Emotions
Divorce and the process leading up to it is going to be turbulent. Your emotions and your spouse's emotions are going to be, in turns, riotous, deadened, dull, and fiery, and these are all normal, expected things to feel. It can be harmful, though, to base your decision to divorce entirely on your emotions, as there is some amount of rational thought that goes into the particulars of divorce, and failing to account for and utilize rationality can leave both you and your partner with a divorce that is too fast-paced to properly utilize healing techniques, including therapy, rest, and introspection.
Although it is impossible to go through a divorce without having any feelings about the matter, gaining perspective is important. Perspective can come from family, friends, mental health professionals, and even marriage counselors, who have been known to offer their professional opinions regarding the likelihood of a marriage's success after spending time with the couple in question. Making the decision to divorce, then, should not come on the heels of a divorce quiz, or your own turbulent emotions, but should come as a result of careful thought, consideration, and planning.
Knowing When to Get a Divorce
Knowing when to get a divorce and when to fight for your marriage is arguably the most difficult aspect of deciding how to navigate the issues in your relationship. Both divorce and reconciliation have their good points and bad, and making the decision is far more than a matter of taking an internet quiz, talking to a friend, or searching for your feelings. Instead, knowing when to get a divorce relies upon a time, communication, and the multitude of factors going on and working in your unique situation, some of which might be able to resolve, and others that cannot be fixed or repaired.
Divorce should never be taken lightly, just as marriage should never be taken lightly. The decision to get a divorce is incredibly personal, complex, and painful, and making that decision is far more than taking a quiz, feeling pain, or feeling distant from your partner. It is an evaluation of an entire life together and determining whether or not that life is one you are willing or able to pursue.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ’s)
What are the signs that you should get a divorce?
Statistics on divorce show some of the common reasons that people decide to separate. Often, it boils down to differences or dealbreakers in a partnership. As stated in the article above, issues like finances, infidelity, and intimacy issues are some of the leading contributors to divorce. If you're taking a "should i get a divorce quiz," think about what prompted you to take it. Getting a divorce is a tough decision, so it makes sense that you're looking for information and resources. Ultimately, you are the only one that can answer the question that you're taking a divorce quiz to find. Although people often separate for similar reasons, no one else is in your unique situation, hence why a "should i get a divorce quiz" won't give you an adequate answer.
Should I get divorced or stay married?
Whether you should get divorced or not depends on you and your spouse. There are many things to consider, including your personal beliefs about divorce, the physical and emotional health of you and your current spouse, and the unique needs or dynamics within your family unit. The needs of your kids might impact your decision, or it could be financial issues. If you feel like leaving and have no interest in staying in the connection, it's an adequate enough reason to separate. Often, people will take relationship quizzes, love quizzes, or even a break up quiz to confirm what they already know or want to hear.
If you take a break up quiz and find that the results of the quiz don't match your needs or desires, take it with a grain of salt - or less. Remember that only you can make this choice and that websites with home quizzes or love quotes can't do it for you. Again, it's a tough decision, and divorce isn't easy, but there are things you can do to navigate the choice. Marriage counseling boasts incredibly positive statistics, helping a large percentage of couples work through their concerns and maintain a healthy relationship. If you decide to get divorced, divorce counseling can help you do so peacefully.
How do you know when your marriage is really over?
If you make the choice to get a divorce, your marriage is likely over. However, it doesn't mean that your life is over, nor does it mean that your life will be lonely. As stated in the article above, there are times when a divorce will be, unquestionably, the best option. In addition to seeing a divorce counselor, you might see a mediator for issues pertaining to family law and child custody. If you're struggling with divorce or post-divorce life on an individual level, seeing a mental health provider one-on-one for individual counseling can help. You might also consider joining a divorce support group for support from peers who understand what you're going through and are facing the same issues. Support groups differ from group counseling, but both can be highly beneficial in different ways. There are many types of therapy that you might come across in individual counseling. You might see a therapist for trauma-informed therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), or another form of treatment. Divorce can be and often is a form of trauma, so don't brush your feelings aside. Separation is a big life change, and what you're going through is valid.
What are the five stages of divorce?
If you're familiar with the stages of grief, you'll notice that the five stages of divorce are similar. While you may experience several of them at once or flip back and forth for a while, in order, the five stages of divorce are:
Throughout the divorce process, negative emotions may arise, especially in the early and middle stages. You might find yourself depressed, remorseful, mad, or irritable. Eventually, an individual facing divorce will reach the final stage (acceptance) and will thrive post-divorce. That said, the process takes time, and you have to process your feelings to get there. If you are struggling with mental health concerns following a divorce, you might decide to see a mental health provider for individual counseling in a private practice setting or through online therapy.
What is silent divorce?
Silent divorce refers to a marriage where you're technically still together but already feel separated as a couple. You might live in the same home, but you feel like roommates or even strangers. A silent divorce can be extremely difficult to face in a relationship that meant so much to you. Likely, when you said your marriage vows, this was a relationship that meant forever to you. When you were in the process of getting ready for marriage, you likely saw yourself feeling passion, excitement, and affection for the rest of your life. Eb and flow is normal in any relationship. We all go through times where we're busy or stressed out and our relationships take a back burner, but if it's an ongoing issue or it feels like your love is lost, marriage counseling can help.
How do you know if your marriage is worth saving?
If you feel like leaving or are considering leaving your spouse, explore the reason. You might consider seeing a marriage and family therapist or couples counselor if you discover that you want to make things work. Marriage and family therapists and couples counselors are adept at helping people maintain healthy relationships. A couple's therapist or counselor can help you and your partner through concerns related to intimacy, communication, affection, and more. They'll stay neutral and will listen when you describe your personal situation as a couple, whether you've been married for thirty years or are in premarital counseling to get ready for marriage and married life. There's nuance to any marriage advice you'll find online. Know that when taking a quiz relationship issues are much more complex than an online quiz result can provide and that the result really must be taken with a grain of salt. Again, only you can make this choice, and there's no "wrong" answer.
What is a loveless marriage?
A loveless marriage is exactly what it sounds like. If you have a loveless marriage, you'll notice that the spark you once felt is no longer there. Physical and emotional intimacy alike may cease to exist, and you might find yourself having an internal battle while thinking, "can I save my marriage?" or "can I save my marriage even if it's loveless?" The good news is that it's possible to bring love back into a relationship. Many couples seek couples therapy to rebuild relationships. There are many types of therapy to consider. Some couples seek therapy before saying their marriage vows to prepare themselves for married life and to set themselves up for a healthy marriage. This is called premarital counseling. When a married couple gets couples counseling or marriage counseling, they might go to address a variety of issues, whether it's a loveless marriage, difficulty with conflict resolution, lack of understanding, or a question that you and your spouse are having difficulty finding an answer to on your own. A therapist won't tell you what to think or do; they'll help you to discuss things effectively and provide you with tools that you can use for the rest of your life. Emotionally focused therapy or EFT is a popular therapy modality used with couples because it is highly effective. Most of the time, couples counseling is relatively short-term, so don't be afraid of committing to it. It can be scary to reach out for help for the first time, but a therapist will never judge you. They'll serve as an objective third party and might just help you bring the love back into your married life or partnership.
Why do married couples drift apart?
Married couples often drift apart because they get caught in the day to day mundane. When working to revive a marriage, you might revisit marriage vows, go on special dates, or learn about communication techniques that help you make the relationship feel new again. It's easy to get caught up in a routine, and as a result, you might find yourselves showing less affection toward one another. Additionally, drifting apart is one of the common therapy issues that couples seek help for, and seeing a mental health provider can help with this on top of a variety of other therapy issues such as communication and conflict resolution. It's never too late to reach out for support, and you and your partner don't need to remain stagnant. Whether you decide to stay together or get a divorce, a therapist, psychologist, or counselor will meet you without judgment. Remember that although divorce is a tough process, it's not something you have to go through alone. Whether you see someone in person or online, a therapist will be there to support your decision and help you navigate your situation as healthily as possible.
Previous ArticleWhat Is The Number One Cause Of Divorce In The United States: Legal Dissolution Statistics In The U.S.
Next ArticleDo You Have to Get A Name Change After Divorce?
Anxiety Attachment Attraction Chat Counseling Dating Depression Divorce Domestic Violence Engagement Family Friendship General How To Infidelity Intimacy Love Marriage Online Dating Parenting Psychology Relationship Singleness Therapist
What Is Discernment Counseling? Accepting When It’s Time To Move On From Your Relationship My Marriage Fell Apart And Now I Feel Like A Failure Does Reunification Therapy Really Work? Why Do I Still Love Her Getting Past An Ex How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce? 9 Things That Emotional Recovery Depends On