Every relationship has its ups and downs. However, there are times when a couple may be at an impasse and are not sure if they want to stay in their relationship. Discernment counseling is designed for these couples. Discernment counseling couples seek out this type of therapy so that they can get help working out their differences, or mutually decide to end their relationship. The goal of couple discernment counseling is to make an amicable decision and consider all options available. This type of counseling is best for those who are considering breaking up or getting divorced but have not come to a decision on how to move forward with the separation, or if they are indeed ready to part ways.
Discernment counseling was developed by a man named Bill Doherty. He worked at the University of Minnesota and realized that few techniques are specifically designed for struggling couples. There are counseling programs for those with addiction issues, behavioral health counseling, bereavement therapy, social-emotional therapy, cognitive therapy, and many more types of counseling and therapeutic programs. Doherty saw this gap, and developed a new form of counseling to help people figure out what their relationship is. If they want to continue it, it also helps them work through coming to terms with divorce or separation in a civilized and amicable way.
Determining the next steps in a couple’s relationship is essential, especially if they have children.
A counselor or therapist typically starts by asking the couple jointly:
Next, this type of counseling typically provides a couple with three options:
From there, the discernment counselor will opt to meet with each partner separately to discuss how they feel, what they want to see happen, and their personal agenda. This can be done as in-person counseling or online counseling. Determining the agenda of each is important so that the therapist knows if they need counseling for a mixed agenda. This means that one party wants to stay married, and one is ready to move on, away from the relationship. This type of counseling avoids starting marriage counseling when it will not be productive; it is only productive when both parties want to stay married but need to work out their differences.
Next, the counselor will have their couple meet, once again, together to summarize what was discussed individually. This is an essential step because one person in the relationship may be afraid to say they want to leave the relationship but don’t to spare their partner’s feelings. However, they are more apt to open up to the counselor about their feelings and motives. Sometimes it is easier to start separation discussions when the counselor is the one who discusses the desire to separate from one or both parties.
If it is determined that both couples want to at least attempt to repair their relationship, the discernment counselor will either become a marriage counselor or refer the couple to a few different marriage counselors. If divorced is wanted by one person but not the other, the divorce discernment counseling for mixed relationships would be recommended. On the flip side, if divorced is wanted by both parties in the relationship, then separation is most likely inevitable. While counseling can help reduce the amount of stress that is building in an undesired marriage, couples discernment counseling will help open the lines of communication where they may have stalled at home. Attending counseling avoids making half-hearted efforts when it is unknown what the other partner truly wants. It also helps to bring important topics to the surface for discussion and self-evaluation.
Marriage counseling is different than discernment counseling since this form of counseling is a short process with a specific goal: to determine if the marriage can be saved. This type of counseling is typically two to five sessions, and time is spent with each person privately, as well as together.
Couples counseling, on the other hand, which is also called marriage counseling, is designed to help a couple regain their marriage and overcome any issues that are problematic in the relationship. Couples counseling is usually a much longer process than this form of counseling with a goal of keeping the couple together at the end of the process.
While marriage counseling is not required after this type of counseling, it can help significantly.
This form of counseling is a specific niche in the industry. Its sole job is to provide clarity to whether a relationship can be fixed, and see if the issues brought up can be left in the past. While a discernment counselor can help a couple identify the specific contributing factors to their defunct relationship, as well as explore potential solutions, it is not designed to fix problems. It’s a short-term talk therapy with one objective: determining will a marriage work, or will it end?
When Doherty released data on his methodology of counseling struggling partners, he came to the following realization:
While the study was comprised of a small sample of married couples, it fell in line with national statistics of married versus divorced couples.
For this form of counseling, it is typically a continuing education class for those who are already licensed, mental health professionals. Advanced training can be taken for those who want to specialize in this type of counseling so that the therapist can become a certified discernment counselor. Discernment certification is not required in order to conduct the practice, as a marriage and family therapist license allows counselors to see patients who are in need of discernment therapy. Additional certification helps to differential oneself from competing practices.
This form of counseling is not appropriate for couples who already want to end their marriage or where one party is clear that they want to leave the marriage. None of these couples will gain anything from counseling, in almost all cases, as the future outcomes have already been clearly established.
This type of counseling will also not benefit couples who have domestic violence within their marriage. Counseling is not productive when one party is forced to counseling. When domestic violence is a part of the relationship, much more time needs to be spent with both the victim and the abuser, separately. This type of counseling cannot help in this instance.
What Is Discernment Counseling Not?
This type of counseling is not a guarantee that your marriage can be saved. It is not a one and done therapy session, and it is not a way to convince your partner to stay when they have adamantly expressed they want to leave.
This type of counseling is definitely not a magic wand or magic pill. It cannot force the relationship to work; it’s the individuals that need to work, as a team, to make their marriage work. This type of counseling is also not an instantaneous repair for a broken marriage. It will help to identify problems that need to be addressed so that the couple knows what they need to work on; however, it’s not a cure.
Discernment counseling helps those who are unhappy in their marriage but don’t know what is wrong. It helps to identify problems and provide clarity so that the couple is not going in circles trying to figure out what is not working. This form of counseling also gives couples the confidence that they can work through problems, together, if they are willing to do the heavy lifting.
Compared to other therapies, this form of counseling is a relatively new approach to helping couples with a troubled marriage. It helps to identify problems and makes it easier for a marriage counselor to get to the source of the issues. Without this type of counseling, it could take several sessions of marriage counseling before the partners feel comfortable enough to open up about their real problems with the relationship. By having individual meetings in this form of counseling, it shortens the amount of time to get to the source of the issues and does not violate client/patient confidentiality.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What Is A Discernment Counselor?
A discernment counselor is essentially a couples therapist who is meant to help couples decide whether or not they want to continue their relationship. This form of couples therapy is specifically built for people who are mutually unsure what to do about the state of their relationship. These discernment counseling couples often require this specific type of therapist. A discernment counselor will work through any indecision via counseling for couples and help the couple pursue whatever decision has been reached, whether it’s staying together, breaking up, getting a divorce, or continuing on to marriage counseling.
What's The Success Rate Of Marriage Counseling?
Studies show that couples therapy actually helps up to 70% of participants with their relationships. Marriage counseling is considered successful when a couple stays together, while discernment counseling is considered successful when a couple reaches a mutual agreement about what to do within their relationship. Discernment counseling couples may reach success not only by achieving the one goal of staying together but by just agreeing on a future course of action.
Marriage counseling was developed rather recently in American history. With the idealized concept of the nuclear family on the rise and familial struggles growing during the Great Depression, marriage counseling was developed to help officially maintain traditional family structures during the 1930s and thereafter. Discernment counseling has a much more recent history, as the discernment process is used to target the heart of a decision rather than simply the outcome.
Should You Try Counseling Before Divorce?
Couples therapy is a great way to assess whether or not a divorce is necessary. With the help of a discernment counselor, you can work through any of the issues keeping your marriage on the rocks and decide how to proceed. Divorce discernment counseling only works if both parties are aligned. Discernment counseling is often considered to be a healthy means to an end. While learning more about this kind of therapy, you might come across the phrase “mixed agenda.” Discernment counseling is considered “mixed-agenda (ed)” when one party is feeling the need to break up, while the other party is hoping to stay together. Counseling for mixed agenda is possible, but only if there is still a level of uncertainty within the couple.
Do not feel the need to consider discernment counseling if you are experiencing an abusive relationship, or if either party is not on board with the idea of continuing the relationship. Couples therapy can work on many unexpected types of couples but there usually needs to be at least a small amount of willingness from both partners.
If you’re happy with couples therapy, but unhappy with your couples therapist, don’t be afraid to seek out other couples therapists. The right fit is essential to the success of your discernment process. Similarly, if you both think online therapy is better suited to your lifestyle needs, don’t be afraid to make that shift. Discernment counseling for couples is very possible online and can be convenient for different schedules.
What Is Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
The Gottman Method for Couples Therapy is a specific ideology that some couples therapists subscribe to in order to aid a strained relationship via family therapy, couples therapy, and discernment counseling using the sound relationship house theory. This method of counseling was developed based on the principle that empathy and support must be at the core of a relationship. The theory outlines four “horsemen” that explicitly explain why most people experience hardship within a relationship and seven principles for what needs to be worked on in order for the relationship to flourish.
Many online therapy sites do have professional therapists with a background in the Gottman method. If that’s something that appeals to you, try searching for discernment counseling using the Gottman method with ReGain.us.
Do Marriage Counselors Ever Recommend Divorce?
Discernment counseling for couples acknowledges that the outcome might include divorce. This can be especially true when counseling for mixed agenda couples. Discernment counseling for mixed agenda couples can indicate that a separation might take place, but the important part of discernment counseling overall is the concept that we are making the decision together. This form of counseling was developed to meet the needs of couples who are struggling to take a step in any direction.
Couples therapy and family therapy alike don’t inherently recommend divorce, but therapists will often try to recommend whatever will most benefit all parties involved. With the help of a trained discernment counselor, discernment counseling for mixed agenda couples will not necessarily indicate that divorce is imminent. Try to decide with your partner what sort of couples therapy best suits your relationship needs, and start getting help as soon as possible.