Important Divorce Advice For Women: 7 Things To Keep In Mind
Medically Reviewed By Karen Devlin, LPCIf you're currently going through a divorce, then you know just how difficult it can be. You might feel as if you're going through a rollercoaster of different emotions right now. It's normal to feel simultaneously lost, sad, and angry due to everything that is going on. You can get through this trying time and get yourself into a better position, though. Take a look at the following pieces of important divorce advice for women that will help you to move forward in life.
1. Make Sure It's What You Want
This sort of goes without saying, but you definitely want to make sure that divorce is what you want before moving forward with the proceedings. Relationships go through ups and downs, so you might be wondering whether or not your marriage can be saved. Many people have been able to successfully navigate tumultuous waters with the help of skilled marriage counselors. If your marriage is in a bad place but you don't want to lose it, then you might want to consider this option.
Of course, this might not even be an option if your issues with your spouse are severe. If you're leaving an abusive marriage or one that is simply not fulfilling for you in any way, then you might be better off going the divorce route. Some marriages aren't built to last, but that doesn't mean that it will be easy to accept. You're going to feel emotional about it in certain ways and so will your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
2. Think Of Your Children
You absolutely shouldn't stay in a loveless marriage simply for the sake of your children. Even so, your children do need to be on your mind during this divorce process. Getting divorced might be the best option for your family, but that doesn't mean that your kids are going to understand. They are likely going to be scared and they might even worry about whether you're going to love them in the same way once the divorce is finalized.
Children might need some extra attention and assurances in order to make it through trying times like this. Try to talk to your kids about what is going on. Let them know that you love them very much and that this divorce isn't going to change the fact that you're their mom. It should help to set their minds at ease and you'll be able to keep them from having too many problems.
Just be understanding if your kids have a hard time adjusting to life being so different. If they're used to living with their father in the house, then they might be sad about him not being around all the time anymore. It's possible that this might make you feel bad at first, but you just need to love your kids while ensuring that they still have the opportunity to have their father in their lives. This is why it's important to try to work together as a parental unit even when your marriage is not capable of moving forward.
3. Try To Cooperate With Your Ex-Spouse
Trying to cooperate with your ex-spouse can actually be beneficial in several ways. Firstly, if you have children, it can ensure that your children's lives will be disrupted as little as possible due to the divorce. Being able to cooperate on issues such as co-custody and child support will be helpful. It can allow you to avoid a drawn-out legal battle while keeping your kids happy and healthy.
It can also be good to be civil when it comes to dividing the assets. In some situations, this is not going to be possible. If your marriage ended in a very dramatic way due to infidelity or some other reason, then you might not feel like cooperating with your ex-spouse. Being able to cooperate can help by allowing you to get through the divorce proceedings quicker. If you can be amicable about dividing assets, then you'll be able to start moving on with your life faster, so do try to keep that in mind.
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to get what you deserve. It can be beneficial to hire a divorce lawyer if you feel that matters are too complicated to sort out on your own. You also shouldn't be expected to cooperate with your ex-spouse if he was abusive to you or your children in any way. Just keep in mind that there are caveats like this for many pieces of divorce advice.
4. Focus On Self-Care
Focusing on self-care is going to be a very good idea during this trying time. You're going to be feeling very emotional about everything that you're going through. You might feel sad one day and then find that you're feeling incredibly angry the next. Emotions like this are normal and you can deal with them as effectively as possible if you're able to focus on self-care.
Aside from taking care of the kids, if you have any, self-care is going to be the most crucial aspect of getting through a divorce. You want to be able to keep yourself going even when you don't feel at your best. This means ensuring that you're eating right and trying to get enough exercise. Doing simple things like this can help you to focus on what is important.
If you're experiencing depression or anxiety due to the divorce, then you should make sure that you're talking to someone about it. Your doctor should know what you're going through so that he or she can take the appropriate actions. You might need to talk to a therapist about what you're going through so that you can get things straight in your own head. Doctors can also prescribe medicine to help with depression or anxiety if you're in need, so it's beneficial, to be honest with your doctors about what you're going through.
5. Don't Be Afraid To Talk To People About Problems
As mentioned above, talking to a therapist can help you to get through the emotional trauma that is associated with divorce. If you need that type of help, then know that therapy is readily available. You can also talk to people in your family or close friends if you just want to vent. Everyone needs to have a support system in life and you should be able to rely on yours during this difficult time.
Having people you can trust is going to matter a lot. When you're going through a divorce, you're going to feel emotionally vulnerable. There might be moments where you'll feel very frazzled and will need a shoulder to lean on. Try to rely on the people who you can count on during these moments. You'll be able to get through even tough times this way and it'll feel good to know that others have your back.
6. Avoid Dating Until You're Ready
Dating is something that many women start to think about once the divorce has been finalized. You might feel a strong urge to get out there and meet a new person to connect with romantically. This might be a good idea eventually, but that doesn't mean that you're ready right now. You see, you're going to be very emotionally vulnerable until you deal with all of the issues that the divorce has caused. It's smart to wait to start dating until you've had time to heal.
Healing from a divorce can take a significant amount of time. Some women feel like they can date again within a few months whereas others might just want to stay single for several years. How you feel is really up to you to decide. Regardless, you should know that jumping into a relationship before you're emotionally ready can be harmful to you. You also might unwittingly hurt someone else if you try to enter a serious relationship before you have gotten over your ex-spouse.
Many people have a sex drive and physical urges, but it's best to avoid putting yourself into romantic situations for a bit. Take a step back from that side of yourself and try to focus on other things. You can find new love when the time is right. Not now doesn't necessarily mean not ever. Just use your gut instincts and keep your wits about you once you decide to start dating once more.
7. Learn To Enjoy Your Independence
Learning to enjoy your independence is a very important part of being divorced. Some people even discover that they quite like being alone. You likely haven't been by yourself much in a long time. Being married to someone comes with a lot of responsibilities and this can cause you to lose focus on some things that you love as an independent person. Now that you're divorced, you can learn to enjoy these things again.
Get back into the hobbies that you love so much. Spend more time with your friends and go out to do things that make you smile. It's important to be able to enjoy life to the fullest and you can get back to loving life again. It might not happen immediately and you might need more time to process the divorce, but you can start enjoying your independence.
Finding a hobby to involve yourself in can really help out a lot. Whether you're spending time crafting things or if you're working on your physical fitness, it will be very satisfying. Your independence is something that you should cherish and you don't have to lose it once you start dating again either. It's possible to find someone that will be more accepting of your individuality and need to have a life outside of a relationship. When you decide to date again, just be sure to find a match that doesn't try to monopolize your time if that isn't what you want.
Online Counseling Can Help Too
Online counseling is another thing that could prove to be very useful to you. If you want to work on getting over the emotional baggage that has built up in your head due to the divorce process, then you can count on online counselors. These licensed therapists know how to help people cope with emotions and they can even address issues such as depression or anxiety. With the help of these professionals, you'll be able to move on from divorce more effectively.
If you want to try to save a marriage instead of pursuing a divorce, then online couples counselors can help with that, too. They have worked with many couples and have helped them to overcome many hurdles to save their marriages. Whatever it is that you're looking for, understand that online counseling can help you out. It's convenient and you won't even have to leave your home to get the help that you need.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What Are The Five Stages Of Divorce?
The so-called five stages of divorce typically line up with the five stages of grief, a common model used to outline and explain the different emotional phases of loss. Going through divorce planning, divorce judgment, divorce proceedings and ending a marriage can feel like a death in many ways - even though you’re not grieving the life of your spouse, you may be grieving the relationship you’ve lost, the life you made together, and the norms you’ve come to expect. In fact, in some languages, the word “grief” is not just used after death, but also after a breakup. As such, the five stages of divorce can include:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Life after divorce is a definite challenge. You and your former spouse will go from married people to divorced people, and even though it’s likely for the best, it can still hurt. No matter how much an individual wants a divorce divorce can still be upsetting and stressful, and you may very well find yourself feeling the emotions listed above.
Some of the best divorce advice that anyone can receive is to seek out the help of a divorce attorney. Not only can a divorce attorney guide you through the divorce process, but they can also provide you with other resources and information you might need. If you cannot afford a divorce attorney, then speak with the bar association in your state about the possibility of a pro bono (free) lawyer. You could also call Legal Aid in your county about free or discounted legal help which you may be entitled to if you are below a certain income threshold. If your case involves certain proceedings such as protection services, custody, or visitation, then the court may appoint a lawyer for you free of charge.
Also, do not forget about your mental health. You may find it beneficial to speak with a counselor online throughout the whole divorce process to ensure that you handle the divorce in a healthy way that doesn’t lead to lasting trauma.
Ultimately, the best divorce advice for you and your unique divorce process will come from a professional.
What Should You Not Do When Getting A Divorce?
Many pieces of advice you’ve received likely give you specific pointers on what to do and what not to do during the divorce process, but the truth is that divorce proceedings can be very civil and require little to no outside conflict. To summarize here a few things you may consider not to do when getting a divorce:
- Do not turn to substance abuse, and instead try to manage this trauma in a healthy way, such as through speaking to a counselor or another professional
- If your divorce is contested, and you may end up in a harsh battle over custody and payments, then try to maintain privacy around yourself and your personal life. You never want a silly comment or innocuous decision to later be held against you in court.
- Do not become cynical about love and the world. You can’t prevent terrible things from happening, but you can control how you respond to them. Take this chance to learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others, but remember that not all relationships end in this way, and you have certainly not been damaged beyond repair. You are still a whole person deserving of love.
- Do not be too hard on yourself. Even if you’ve made mistakes in this process, the best way to heal yourself and the community of people who care about you will be to forgive yourself.
Something that you definitely should do (and some of the best advice you can receive) is consult a divorce attorney. There you can receive the best divorce advice and information specific to you and your situation.
Divorce attorneys are trained with the legal and communication skills you need to complete the divorce process. Each divorce process is different, and so too is the way an attorney may prepare for it.
Going through a difficult divorce, divorce judgment, or other obstacles may lead you to seek out coping mechanisms, some of which are less healthy than others. It’s a good idea to avoid starting arguments with your former spouse or otherwise provoking an emotional reaction; it’s also a good idea to avoid substance abuse or other behaviors that might be harmful.
What You Should Know Before You Get A Divorce?
When going through divorce planning, it’s a great idea to reflect on the relationship you’ve had and any advice you’ve received. It’s good to be sure of and confident in your decision to go forth with the divorce process. You may not feel 100% about any major decision like this because there are so many moving parts. But try the following meditation: Close your eyes and consider yourself at an old age looking back on your life. First, consider a life in which you stayed with your partner. The relationship you shared, the forgiveness, the pain, and anything else that your relationship has come to represent. Then, consider looking back on how your life would be if you left your partner. Looking back on your life, would you feel pride about the decision? Would you regret it? In your core, do you believe that the relationship is salvageable, or do you believe that your quality of life and personal happiness will improve without this person? Once you are sure about your decision, you can move forward with the divorce.
Before you get a divorce, it can be helpful to have a good idea of your personal finances and other details, especially if you’ve previously relied heavily on a spouse for financial support. It’s also good to establish which assets you might like to protect or might have to give up. It could also be time to set up a private, individual bank account.
If you haven’t already, try speaking with a relationship counselor or an individual counselor who can advise you throughout the process.
Working with a divorce coach or a divorce attorney throughout this process is some of the best advice anyone could give. The best divorce advice for your situation will likely come from someone trained to handle family and civic law.
When you begin to go through divorce proceedings, another big question to consider is child custody. Different states have different laws regarding this topic, so again, the best divorce advice you can receive will likely come from a professional. Also take a moment to research divorce laws in your particular state or country.
When you finish up divorce planning and divorce proceedings or the divorce process, our best advice is to focus on what makes you happy individually. Rebuilding yourself after a divorce is a great way to begin moving past it.
What Should A Woman Ask For In A Divorce?
When going through divorce planning, a common practice is dividing up assets between two former spouses. This process is one that can spark a lot of conflict and arguments, and it’s often what people are thinking of when they’re concerned about losing money, housing, their children, and more.
One of the best pieces of advice someone going through a divorce can receive, then, is to work with someone who knows how to help them advocate for and defend themselves. A divorce lawyer, a divorce coach, and relationship counselors are all great examples of professionals that you might work with during the divorce process.
During the divorce process, if working with a lawyer, you’ll get the opportunity to claim certain assets that you feel you’re entitled to. However, many people find that an amicable and collaborative divorce is a far better way to do so; not only does it avoid the fee and hassle of a lawyer, but it also helps prevent unnecessary conflict.
Unfortunately, though, collaborative divorce proceedings aren’t always an option for everyone, and not everyone wants them to be an option. Generally, the best advice is to avoid seeking out heavier legal assistance unless you need it. Still, the best divorce advice for you really depends on your situation.
No matter why you’re getting a divorce divorce can be an opportunity to work together, or it can be the complete opposite. Try not to compare your experience of the divorce to those of others.
Do People Regret Divorce?
Between 32-50% of divorced people report regretting the decision. Going through an especially difficult divorce can leave us wondering whether we’ll ever bounce back. However, fortunately, you can bounce back, and many people do.
Life after divorce, for many formerly married people, is the same, if not better than before. In fact, some figures suggest that, for some, divorce actually leads to higher levels of happiness.
Of course, the best advice for every relationship or every conflict is not necessarily divorce. The divorce process is long and often emotionally distressing, so there are plenty of reasons to be hesitant to engage in it even if you’ve decided you want to end your marriage.
Oftentimes, people who get divorces get them for a reason - the best divorce advice is to only go forward with one after you’ve considered it seriously. The divorce process and aftermath may give you a chance to reevaluate your feelings and change your mind, but in terms of statistics, most people do not regret their divorce. You may even come to consider your divorce one of the best decisions of your life.
