Important Divorce Advice For Men: 6 Things To Keep In Mind
By: Robert Porter
Updated February 23, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Amy Brown
Getting divorced is likely going to be one of the most difficult experiences of your life. This is something that is going to change the status quo for you in a major way. If you aren't careful, this could even lead to severe issues with your mental health such as depression. It's easy to feel overwhelmed when you're going through a divorce, but you can get through this while putting yourself in a good position for the future. Take a look at the following pieces of important divorce advice for men so that you can have the easiest transition possible.
- Make Sure You Have a Support System
When you're getting divorced, it's going to be very easy to become overwhelmed with emotions. You might even feel like your entire world is crumbling around you. During this time, it's going to be crucial to have a support system in place. If you don't have people that you can rely on, then you're going to have trouble staying strong.
You need to have friends and family that you can speak with in order to vent. Sometimes you might even need a shoulder to cry on. Even if you're the type of guy who normally holds in emotions, it's important to understand that everyone has a breaking point. This is your life that you're talking about and a lot of emotions are going to be wrapped up in the divorce process. You shouldn't hesitate to turn to your support system when you need help getting through the day.
Some people take this a step further and enlist the help of a skilled therapist. Depending on what you're going through, this might wind up being a really good idea. People need to be able to work through issues and talking to someone who cares is very helpful. A therapist will understand certain things on a deeper level and can also help you come up with useful coping mechanisms. Whatever you do, just make sure that you have support.
- Show Your Children Lots of Love
Kids can wind up having a really tough time when their parents are getting a divorce. Even when the divorce is happening for a good reason, it can be tough for children to understand what is going on. Some kids worry about whether their moms and dads are still going to love them with everything that is changing. If you have children, then do your best to show your kids lots of love during this difficult time.
Your children might need some extra attention and assurances during the divorce process. If you can get along with your spouse well enough to cooperate on certain things, then your children should be your top priority. You don't want your kids to start struggling in school or to become depressed due to what is happening. If you can both let them know that you're going to love and support them no matter what happens, then it will make a difference.
Don't be surprised if your kids do struggle in certain areas even when you are trying your best. Things will eventually stabilize but you will need to make sure that the kids understand what is happening. You and your spouse might not like each other very much during this process, but you're always going to be the parents of your children. Try to work together for the sake of the kids and do what is right for your children so that they can feel stable.
- Avoid Being Mean or Spiteful
You might be tempted to be mean or spiteful toward your ex-wife during the divorce process. After all, from your perspective, she is likely the person that is to blame for this divorce. Whether she is at fault or if you're both to blame for your marriage failing is irrelevant. It simply isn't right to be mean or spiteful toward someone just to try to make yourself feel better. You need to find the inner strength to be the bigger person and show kindness.
This is especially important if you have children with your new or soon-to-be ex-wife. You're going to need to work together on certain issues in regards to custody and other things involving the children. Being kind and reasonable can also make the process of dividing assets easier during the divorce process. A bit of civility can go a long way, so try to be nice when you can.
Also, you should never say bad things about your ex-wife in front of your children. You might not like her very much as a person right now, but that is still your child's mother. It is tactless to speak ill of your children's mother when they're within earshot. It would actually be good to get into the habit of simply not saying bad things about her, to begin with. You likely loved her once, and you should try to move forward in life with dignity.
- You'll Need Time to Heal
Healing after going through a divorce is something that takes a lot of time. You shouldn't expect to magically feel better after the papers have been signed. You might wind up feeling a bit relieved once the process is over, but this doesn't mean that there isn't any emotional baggage to deal with. Divorce is complicated and your feelings about not being married any longer might be equally complex.
Working through these problems might wind up taking you quite a bit of time. If you need to try to understand what happened, then working with a therapist is going to be smart. They can help you to unpack everything that you're going through so that you can come to an understanding. You'll be able to see where things went wrong and hopefully, you can use this information to avoid similar problems in the future.
A therapist can also simply help you to move on at your own pace. It's normal to feel sad or lost when you're going through a divorce. In fact, some men wind up getting divorced when they very much wanted to try to make the marriage work. It can be tough to accept that things turned out the way that they did. You don't have to try to deal with this all by yourself when there are professionals who can help you.
- Dating Someone New Shouldn't Be Your Priority
Many men wind up feeling a strong urge to immediately start dating someone new once they get divorced. Of course, you might just be lonely and you could feel compelled to try to satiate your physical need for affection. The problem is that dating someone new too fast could wind up leading to another bad relationship. If you don't take the time to get over your ex-wife before meeting a new girl, then that isn't really fair to this new person.
It might be difficult to avoid the temptation, but you should wait a little while to start dating again. How long you should wait is really up to you. Some people feel fine after a couple of months and others might not get over a divorce for years. Just remember that if you need help with dealing with your emotions, you will always be able to turn to a dedicated therapist. Either way, you'll be able to move on and start dating when you're emotionally ready for it.
Avoid being promiscuous if you can help it, too. It might feel like you're making yourself feel better in the short-term, but random hook-ups often leave you feeling hollow. It might be best to just be alone for a little while and then try to find someone nice when you're feeling ready. Sex is an important part of life, but it isn't something that you should use as a band-aid for your soul.
- Take Time to Enjoy Being Independent
Taking time to simply enjoy being independent is also very smart. If your marriage was bad for quite a long time, then you might want to simply enjoy being you for a while. Some people feel as if they have been stifled by a marriage that simply isn't working out. Being on your own can feel liberating and you should try to take advantage of your newfound freedom.
Spend more time with your friends and try to get back to enjoying life. Your marriage might have kept you from participating in hobbies that you're passionate about. You should have more time on your hands now and this is a good opportunity to focus your attention on positive things. Play basketball with your friends at the gym and start going to concerts again. Life is short and you should be enjoying it.
Just remember that it's possible to enjoy being independent while still feeling emotional about your marriage at the same time. Emotions don't always make sense and you shouldn't beat yourself up about feeling conflicted. Eventually, you should be able to get back to just enjoying being you. If you need help to get to that point, then you shouldn't hesitate to reach out to professionals.
Consider Online Counseling
Online counseling might be a good resource for you to take advantage of. There are licensed online therapists who can help you to get over your divorce. They will be able to work with you while you're trying to deal with all of the emotions that are wrapped up in the divorce process. You can rely on these counselors to help you deal with depression, anxiety, and anything else that you might be going through.
If you decide that you would like to try to save your marriage instead, then you can also get help with that. Online couples counseling is very convenient and it has helped many people to save their marriages. You can work with a compassionate therapist who understands how to get to the root of relationship problems. This can all be done without you even having to leave the comfort of your own home. If you want to work on your relationship issues, then don't hesitate to sign up for online couples counseling.
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