I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Attachment Disorders To Watch Out For
Updated October 21, 2021
Hearing someone say, “I hate you, don’t leave me,” can be extremely confusing, especially when your loved one says it to you. On the one hand, your partner says they hate you, but then he or she says they do not want you to leave. Well, which is it? Why would your partner say they hate you? Is it possible for them both to be true? Maybe for someone with an attachment disorder, it is. It may be an attachment disorder caused by something that happened during their childhood. It could also be a borderline personality disorder shaking things up in your relationship. Figuring this out for sure takes a mental health professional, but it will not hurt to learn a few things before talking to your partner about getting some help.
Why Do They Say I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me?
When your loved one says, “I hate you, don’t leave me,” they are essentially asking for your help. They do not really hate you, of course. They are just confused and possibly mad at you about something. But they do not hate you. Hate is a strong word for anyone to say, but you know they are just saying it when your partner says it; they do not actually mean it. When they say, “I hate you, don’t leave me,” understanding what is going on in their head at the time is difficult. But you definitely should not leave because they are asking for your help. However, even though your partner clearly needs help, do not push the issue right away if they are not ready to admit it. They cannot change without wanting to, but you can talk to a therapist yourself about what to do in this volatile relationship.
An Exhausting Roller Coaster Relationship
Trying to deal with your partner’s constant mood swings, paranoia, and accusations can be exhausting. Maybe there were signs that this may be a problem early on in the relationship. You may have thought it was sweet when your loved one got jealous of your coworker when they complimented you or maybe when they wanted to be with you all the time. It may have been cute to see her pouting when you wanted to go out with your friends after work. In fact, early in the relationship, you probably encouraged it because everything was new, and you wanted to be with them all the time too. But enough is enough, right? You cannot be expected to stay home forever or take him or her with you everywhere.
Understanding Their Feelings
Think about it this way, when he or she says, “I hate you, don’t leave me,” understanding their frame of mind at the time is important for both of you. Even though it hurts to hear them say that they hate you, knowing that he or she does not want you to leave means something too. They are really saying that they love you, and if you have been together for a while, you know that this is true. But maybe something happened to trigger their feelings of fear of you leaving. In someone with an attachment disorder, this can quickly turn into a meltdown. There has to be something going on underneath this talk, such as a mental health issue like an attachment disorder or borderline personality disorder. However, you need a mental health professional to figure it out for sure.
Attachment Styles Explained
There are four types of attachment styles, three of which are not healthy. The only healthy attachment style is the secure autonomous style, which is the natural and accepting relationship we all hope to have. The other three, ambivalent attachment style, avoidant attachment style, and disorganized attachment style can be confusing no matter which side of the relationship you are on. If your partner has unhealthy attachment styles, your relationship probably has many drama, breakups, and reunifications. Let’s take a look at the four attachment styles more closely.
Secure Autonomous Attachment Style
If your needs were taken care of when you were an infant and did not have any traumatic incidents as a child, your attachment style should be secure and autonomous. This means that you are comfortable with who you are and with your relationships. You do not have any issues getting close to someone and do not mind when others depend on you. Being alone is not a problem for you either as you have good self-esteem and do not worry whether others will reject you. You trust others and have long-lasting healthy relationships.
Ambivalent Attachment Style
Those who were cared for sometimes and ignored other times as babies or children will typically grow up with an ambivalent attachment style. This attachment style leaves both parties confused most of the time, not knowing whether they are happy or not. The ambivalent type is suspicious of others and does not trust anyone. But they want so badly to be in a relationship that they become clingy and needy. In fact, this is the type of attachment style of the person you would hear, saying, “I hate you, don’t leave me.” They worry that you will leave them, but they do not seem to want you there anyway when you are there.
Avoidant Attachment Style
If your loved one has trouble relying on others and does not want anyone to depend on them, this is probably their attachment style. The avoidant attachment style includes overly independent and does not like to be too close to anyone. They see themselves as important and self-sufficient and believe that having to rely on anyone leads to a loss of independence. Although they seem to be level-headed and stable, they are distant, aloof, and can appear compulsive and controlling. They do not like talking about feelings or emotions.
Disorganized Unresolved Attachment Style
This may be the most confusing attachment style since they can go from one mood to the other quickly. They typically have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from being mistreated or abused as an infant or child. They may be argumentative, antisocial, and even abusive at times. Substance abuse is common as they try to self-medicate their PTSD or other issues. Those with disorganized unresolved attachment styles do not like to follow the rules, do not care if they hurt others, and are easily angered.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Another theory is that your partner can be experiencing borderline personality disorder. In fact, clinical theorists suggest that having an unhealthy attachment style is one of borderline personality disorder signs. They claim that the symptoms of ambivalent, avoidant, or disorganized unresolved attachment styles are commonly seen in those with a borderline personality disorder. Other signs of borderline personality disorder include fear of abandonment, a pattern of unstable relationships, impulsiveness, risky behavior, and mood swings. In fact, those with this disorder can have periods of intense anger, rage, and fighting, alternating with feeling hopeless, empty, and thoughts of suicide.
I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me Book.
You can get a bit more insight into the conundrum of borderline personality disorder by reading the “I Hate You — Don’t Leave Me” book written by Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. This is an excellent book for someone trying to understand the complicated relationship of loving someone with a borderline personality disorder. They give you some tips on how to tell whether you or your loved one has a borderline personality disorder, what you can do to defuse the situations that arise, and where to go when you need help. You can download it on this. I hate you. Please don’t leave me pdf.
Set in Stone or Not?
Your attachment style is thought to be set in stone when you were a child in how your parents or other caregivers cared for you. If you had a normal and stable childhood from a baby with plenty of love and attention, your attachment style is likely to be secure and autonomous. However, if you did not have a loving and secure caregiver as a baby, you will likely have one of the other three attachment styles: attachment disorders. However, not everything is set in stone. There is help for those with an unhealthy attachment style. Attachment therapy is available and can help anyone who wants to try.
Even if you have heard repeatedly that you cannot change your attachment style, there is no way to find out unless you try. There is hope for anyone who wants to change. If you or your loved one has any unhealthy attachment styles, you can get attachment therapy from a licensed therapist or counselor at ReGain.us right now. You do not even have to make an appointment. In fact, you do not have to leave your house. Online therapy can be done from the comfort of your own home on your phone, laptop, or other electronic devices. So, what are you waiting for?
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