How To Foster A Secure Attachment Style In Your Relationship

Updated March 26, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Nicole Gaines, LPC

40% of children in the United States develop an insecure attachment. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are highly indicative of adult relationship success. So, it should be no wonder the divorce rate is on par, with 40%–50% of US marriages ending in divorce.

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Are you or your partner dealing with an insecure attachment style? If so, odds are the relationship is getting rocky. That’s why we want to help you understand attachment theory.

Want to know more about the styles that determine your adult relationship behavior? Plus, how these styles form in childhood, and how can you change them as an adult? Then keep reading because this article is for you.

Attachment Theory And Attachment Styles

Developmental psychology expert John Bowlby first realized attachment theory in the late 1960s. His colleague, Mary Ainsworth, fleshed it out a few years after studying young children and their bonds with caregivers. Their caregivers are also called attachment figures.

Strong caregiver-child bonds gave children a feeling of stability and security. These strong bonds also predicted future success, with children seeking out more adventures and new experiences. Securely attached children were more likely to have high self-esteem, too.

Meanwhile, weak caregiver-child bonds forced kids to seek out a secure attachment. In adulthood, they tend to feel more fearful, shy, and reluctant to explore new environments. These children were attached insecurely and also tended to have lower self-confidence.

From these two attachment styles— secure and insecure— attachment theory was born. Now, we know attachment styles form during childhood, but they’re essential for healthy adult relationships.

Let’s discuss some of the ways secure and other attachment styles develop. Plus, we’ll go over how each style contributes to adult relationship success— or failure.

1. Secure Attachment Styles

A child develops a secure attachment when their attachment figure comforts them during times of distress. You can recognize a securely attached child because they get upset when separated from their caregiver. When the caregiver returns, the child is overjoyed.

Another hallmark of this attachment style is that the child doesn’t worry about whether the caregiver will return. They are confident in their bond with the caregiver and that the caregiver will eventually return.

Attachments that are secure in childhood typically turn into securely attached adults. They are comfortable showing affection to others and just as fine with being alone. These attachments cultivate better resilience to rejection and are more prone to recognizing a toxic partner or relationship.

For these reasons, this attachment style predicts relationship success for adults. The good news is the majority of people in the US are considered securely attached.

2. Insecure Attachment Styles

Insecure attachments are common in children who do not learn to bond with their attachment figure for one reason or another.

For example, a child may develop an ambivalent attachment. This often occurs in children who learn that they can’t rely on the caregiver for support during times of distress.

You can typically recognize an ambivalent attachment because they don’t seem joyful when reunited with the caregiver. Instead, they tend to act confusedly while also clinging to the caregiver.

Avoidant attachments tend to develop when caregivers neglect their charges. This manifests in the child as avoidant behavior. Even when the child can be around their caregiver, they seem no more likely to prefer that than to alone time.

In a disorganized attachment, children have mixed emotions about their caregivers. Sometimes, they want to be around the parent, while at other times, they act more like an avoidant child.

Disorganized attachments may stem from inconsistent caregiver behavior. For example, caregivers who have mood-affecting mental health conditions may foster disorganized attachments in their children.

These insecure child-caregiver interactions tend to turn into adult relationship dysfunction, namely, attachment anxiety, attachment avoidance, or, in rare cases, a combination of both styles.

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Attachment Anxiety

Adults who experience attachment anxiety tend to be considered “clingy.” These are the partners who need constant affirmation and reassurance. They are fearful of being single but are also uncomfortable discussing their needs with their partner.

Often, a child with an ambivalent attachment to their caregiver grows up to have adult attachment anxiety.

Attachment Avoidance

Attachment avoidance manifests as an extreme need for independence in adulthood. That’s why you often hear it referred to as a dismissive attachment style. Avoidant partners have negative feelings toward intimacy and prefer to be alone during times of deep distress.

As their names suggest, avoidant attachments in childhood tend to lead to attachment avoidance in adulthood.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachments

Researchers believe that anxious-avoidant attachments are relatively rare. That’s because this style combines the features of both anxious and avoidant styles. These are the partners who present confusing behavior. They may want distance sometimes but closeness at other times.

Individuals with anxious-avoidant attachment styles tend to have a higher risk of depression. Some psychologists suggest this stems directly from the uncertain nature of disorganized child-caregiver interactions.

Why Is A Secure Attachment Style Important?

Today, psychologists understand the importance of attachment styles from an evolutionary perspective.

Early human children with strong bonds to their caregivers would have had higher chances of survival. Early caregivers provided food and protection as well as guidance about how to navigate the world. In other words, secure attachments conferred advantages for early childhood.

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Today, that idea still holds. Modern children with secure attachments are better able to deal with and overcome stress. Meanwhile, children who form insecure attachments are often unable to deal with perilous situations. They may also live in a chronic state of elevated stress.

The bottom line on the importance of secure attachments? Research shows that attachments that are securely developed during childhood predict adult relationship success.

How To Encourage A Secure Attachment In Your Relationship

Insecurely attached adults who choose securely attached partners are more likely to succeed when it comes to relationships.

Yet, not all of us are lucky enough to find the ideal attachment style to work with our own. There is some good news, though. Contrary to original beliefs, psychologists now think that insecure attachment styles can change.

For example, a recent study of 70 couples found that attachment avoiders can become more secure. How so? Performing couples’ activities and communicating can boost positive feelings, promote intimacy, and encourage trust in avoidant partners.

Do you or your partner have an insecure attachment and want to cultivate a healthier, more secure one? Then check out our top tips for fostering attachments that are secure in anxious, avoidant, and combined styles.

Mending Avoidant Attachments

A long-term study of 67 heterosexual couples studied partner interactions during times of stress. It concluded that positive responses from a partner increase positive feelings and decrease negative emotions in a relationship. Surprisingly, these results were most robust in avoidant style participants.

Another study looked at the benefits of merely reflecting on positive memories of the relationship. This practice also helped reduce negative feelings toward partners. This was especially true for participants with attachment avoidance.

What does this mean for your relationship? If you or your partner are avoidant, here are some techniques you can use to become more secure:

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  • Practice partner yoga or some other couples’ activity once per week
  • Communicate more often and more deeply
  • Reflect on positive memories about you and your partner through journaling or meditation

If you’re the partner of a person with an avoidant attachment, try your best to cultivate a positive environment. Listen to your partner and make him or her feel loved. You’ll be amazed at how little effort it takes to make such a massive difference in your relationship.

Healing Anxious-Avoidant Attachments

In a 2013 study, researchers looked at the benefits of trust and goal validating on romantic partners attached insecurely.

They found that increasing trust reduced attachment anxiety in the short-term. At the same time, trust reduced attachment avoidance over time—meanwhile, goal validating lessened attachment avoidance immediately and attachment anxiety in the long-term.

These results are promising for individuals who experience mixed anxious-avoidant tendencies. So, if your partner has an anxious-avoidant style, here’s what you can do to help:

  • Goal Validating

In the study, the researchers considered goal validating when a partner encouraged the other’s personal goals and motivations.

  • Increasing Trust

Meanwhile, increasing trust was measured by whether a partner perceived the other as available and dependable.

Transforming Anxious Attachments

Anxiously attached partners do tend to fare better in relationships. Especially compared to their avoidant counterparts. For this reason, researchers have focused much less on healing anxious attachments.

Still, the 2013 study mentioned above did find the benefits of increasing trust through conversation. It also found positive benefits of partner goal validations.

Additionally, a 2015 study showed that anxiously attached women, in particular, may find relief with couples talk therapy.

That’s why our top tip for anxious styles is to learn how to communicate your needs better.

Therapy For Insecure Attachments

Are you dealing with an insecure attachment style that you want to change to a secure attachment? ReGain’s accredited therapists can help you and your partner improve your relationship with attachment theory principles. Get started with ReGain today!


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