Interested In Someone Who Has An Avoidant Attachment Style? Dating Tips For Success
Have you ever been on a series of dates with someone, had amazing chemistry, laughed all night, and appeared to be forming a connection, only to have them ghost you? Or is your current partner's ongoing behavior best described as "hot-and-cold," and it's driving you crazy?
The answer may lie in their attachment style. Everyone has an attachment style that influences their behavior when it comes to forming and maintaining romantic relationships. Knowing your attachment style and that of your partner can help you develop a better, more sustainable connection if both of you are willing to work together.
What are attachment styles and why do they matter?
Attachment styles are highly influenced by the bond we form with our primary caregiver in childhood, which establishes a pattern of relating to others that carries throughout our lives, including with . Attachment theory has been extensively researched since its development in the 1960s.
Our attachment system is always active, keeping track of how close and attuned our attachment figures are. When we're adults, our attachment figures shift from our parents or other trusted caregivers to our partners.
There are four main types of attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Attachment styles aren't always cut and dry, and you might display traits of a few types. You can even switch attachment styles depending on the attachment style of your partner. Usually, however, one sticks out as the primary attachment style.
Anxious-preoccupied attachment
Anxious-preoccupied attachment develops when a person lacks consistent care in childhood. Their caregiver may have felt insecure about their worth and had difficulty being present and nurturing. They may have been overprotective, not allowing their children to freely explore, instilling a sense of fear and insecurity in their children. Or they may have responded inconsistently to the child's bids for attention and affection.
Avoidant attachment
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to have neglectful parents in some fashion, either emotionally, physically, or both. Their caregiver may have been detached, cold, and distant, never truly connecting with them. As a child, avoidant people learned that they couldn't count on anyone else to meet their needs. As such, avoidant personalities fear that getting close to someone means they'll lose their sense of self and be vulnerable to harm. Whether or not they're aware of their tendencies toward avoidance, they usually expect to be let down and hurt by their partner at some point.
Dismissive-Avoidant: Those with dismissive-avoidant attachment ignore and minimize their intimacy needs, favoring independence above all. Dismissive avoidants tend to have a dating history characterized by short-lived, shallow relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant: People with fearful-avoidant attachment are aware of their need for intimacy and may even desire it a great deal. However, they are afraid of getting close to someone, and therefore employ many of the same tactics as the dismissive-avoidant personality to maintain distance.
Avoidant attachment style: Dating advice
Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style can be difficult, especially if you have anxious-preoccupied attachment. Anxious-preoccupied and avoidant styles tend to activate each other's insecurities and may lead to a pattern known as the "pursuit-distance cycle." The more one partner tries to hold on too tightly in this cycle, the farther away the other goes.
Recognize deactivating strategies
When an avoidant personality senses that they are becoming too close to someone, they may subconsciously employ one or more deactivating strategies to regain some distance and autonomy. From the outside, this can be frustrating and hurtful for their partner. For the avoidant person, they are trying to regain a feeling of safety. Intimacy can induce the same sense of anxiety that anxious-preoccupied types feel from a distance. Here are some common deactivating strategies that avoidant personalities may employ when their security feels threatened:
Creating distance when things have been going well
Honing in on and magnifying their partner's small flaws
Obsessing over an idealized "one that got away," an ex, or a former crush who rejected them
Being unwilling to talk about problems, viewing such discussions as confrontations
Ignoring messages or not returning phone calls or emails
Deactivating strategies allow someone with an avoidant attachment style to push down feelings of anxiety and distress related to their relationship. However, while the expression of these emotions may be suppressed, they still exist below the surface. These unspoken feelings often present as physical symptoms such as tension headaches, digestive distress, or insomnia.
Identify communication roadblocks
Both types of avoidant personalities, particularly those of the dismissive subtype, may try to avoid conversations with their partner involving relationship issues. This eventually spawns underlying conflicts that are never fully resolved since resolution would likely mean greater intimacy. If you're dating a person with an avoidant attachment style, you may notice a frequent feeling of frustration and a maddening sense of talking to a wall. If you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and you're with an avoidant personality, these communication barriers can trigger feelings of rejection and anxiety.
Healthy communication forms the foundation for a successful, mutually beneficial relationship. Without this type of consistent communication, it's like you and your partner will speak different languages and have difficulty making it work.
Choose activities as bonding opportunities
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to get uncomfortable when they spend a lot of alone time with their significant other, especially early on. It's easier for them to let down their guard and get out of their heads, allowing them to connect with you more comfortably if you're doing some activity together. Think of seeing a movie, going to a concert, joining a class together, or going on a hike through the woods.
This may be different from how you think of bonding if you're a candlelight-and-conversation sort of person. But it usually takes a long time for those with an avoidant attachment style to become more at ease with intimacy. Think of slowly easing them into a pool, one inch at a time, instead of jumping off the high dive.
Give them space they need
It can be very hard, especially when you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, to give someone you love distance. It can make you feel hurt and shut out, especially if things were going well. Avoidant personalities may pull away both when they feel intimidated by the level of intimacy and when there is a conflict to reestablish their sense of safety and autonomy.
If your avoidant partner suddenly starts doing things like not responding for a few days or making excuses not to get together, try not to take it personally or immediately assume your relationship is doomed. Please give them the distance they're seeking and focus on your own life. When they contact you again, don't confront them about their absence.
If a person with an avoidant attachment style senses that they are free to have their independence without being threatened by your relationship, they may relax enough to start closing the gap. If not, and this becomes a habitual pattern, you may need to end the relationship for your own mental and emotional health.
Know when to move on
Cultivating a successful relationship with someone who tends to be avoidant involves patience and commitment, but you can't expect to change them. You can only change your feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and expectations. That can look like confronting uncomfortable feelings and taking an honest look at their patterns and behaviors.
Since, by definition, people with avoidant personalities tend to avoid feelings and confrontations and have difficulty turning a critical eye toward their deficits, it can be hard to get them on board with change. If your partner is not willing to face their emotions or work as a team, insists there isn't a problem, minimizes your feelings, or shuts down attempts at communication, you should strongly consider whether continuing the relationship is in your best interest.
No matter how much you love your partner, you always have to love yourself first. If you've tried to make the relationship work, only to face nothing but resistance and being shut out by your partner, the decision to walk away may be the right one.
Couples therapy for attachment struggles
Attachment styles are deeply woven into our dating lives, from the way that we evaluate potential partners to whether we feel comfortable talking about our emotions. It might seem like an attachment style is an innate trait that can't be changed, but research has found this not to be the case. However, both partners need to be committed to change, even if it's difficult.
Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) is a type of couple's therapy that helps couples sort out conflict caused by clashing attachment styles. The therapist guides you and your partner to look objectively at your behavior patterns and replace negative behaviors with more positive ones.
Whether you and your partner are looking for a therapist to help strengthen or rebuild your relationship, or you want individualized counseling to move forward on your own, Regain can connect you with a licensed counselor to provide the support you're seeking. Online counseling has the unique advantage of adapting to your busy schedule. You can even attend sessions from any preferred location with a secure internet connection, eliminating the need to sit in traffic or make a long commute. Now that’s something we can all get on board with avoiding!
It is important to note that insecure anxious or avoidant attachment styles are not mental health conditions. That said, if you are aware that your attachment style is causing problems in your romantic relationships, that is certainly an issue for which others have sought and received beneficial support. EFT, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other modes of support have been shown to be just as effective when administered online as it has been for in-person participants. One recent study, for example, sought to understand how an online relationship intervention was effective in improving communication patterns, emotional intimacy levels, and problem-solving confidence in 300 couples. Following the study’s conclusion, results yielded improvements in all of the aforementioned areas, which were maintained after a year of follow-up.
If you’re curious to learn about real people’s experiences collaborating with online therapists, you can read some of the reviews of Regain counselors below.
Counselor reviews
“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”
“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”
Takeaway
Confronting the negative aspects of your childhood attachment style within your romantic relationships can be challenging work. It requires introspection, coping with past hurt, and striving to change long-enduring behavioral and thought patterns. All of this is possible with the support of your partner and, should you choose to include them, a licensed online therapist. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship combination involving two avoidant personalities, two anxious personalities, an avoidant and anxious personality, or a securely attached person with either an anxious or avoidant personality – you do not have to go through your life experiencing disappointment after disappointment. Reach out to a therapist at Regain today to start allowing others into your heart.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What causes an avoidant attachment style?
When parents or caregivers are mostly physically or emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to the needs of babies or young children, attachment issues occur. The relationships that a baby forms in the early years of their lives can affect their mental health as they develop, and these effects go down deep to their long-term well-being in life.
Toddlers and children always need to be physically and emotionally close to their parents and caregivers. Still, when they begin to feel- yes, they feel- that their needs for physical and emotional connection is not met or they sense rejection or unresponsiveness, children with an avoidant attachment type will learn to adjust by suppressing their emotions, stop seeking connection or closeness, or even stop expressing emotions altogether.
How do you deal with the avoidant attachment style?
Being with someone who has an avoidant attachment style can be quite difficult because while you’re trying to get emotionally close to them and build connection, they keep pulling back- and they may make their significant other begin to feel like they are the “crazy one.” As mentioned above, it is even more difficult if the other person has an anxious-avoidant attachment style. Now, how does one deal with this type of attachment style, especially in relationships? If you find yourself with a partner with an avoidant attachment, the dating advice given above will help you a great deal. Now, if you are the avoidant partner, we know it can be tough as this is something you have grown with for years, but it is possible to deal with it. First, it is important to realize that your calm emotional exterior and rational approach to your partner and your relationship issues are likely making your partner feel dismissed, invalidated. If they are an anxious-avoidant partner, they become more demanding, thus making you feel even more choked up. At this point, your guts will be screaming “run” or “shut down,” but the best approach is actually to lean into the relationship. You need to acknowledge and validate your partner's experience; you can practice physical touch or quality time, or even admit to your partner that you feel like running away or shutting down- because communicating how you feel is very connecting. Take a step back to look beyond your partner's seemingly unreasonable demands and neurotic nature and critically analyze the situation. Ask yourself what you may be doing contributing to the situation and the ‘craziness’ of your partner; not if you are, but how – because you are.
Do Avoidants fall in love?
People with avoidant attachment patterns tend to be independent, self-directed, feel suffocated, and are mostly baffled by the concepts of love and wonder why the whole world seems to be obsessed with it. They do not like to show emotions or open up to others too readily. It seems like they don’t want anyone in their space and really want to be left alone. The truth, however, is that they can and do fall in love. Although their avoidant heart does not quickly want to admit when it finds that special person that makes their heart skip a beat, they may have difficulty catching up with this realization.They will begin to lean forward when they are convinced that even if they reveal their vulnerability, the other person will still love them. Although they may not be vocal about it, deep inside, they will appreciate this person’s understanding, patience, and never-ending willingness to reach out, encourage, consistently hold on to the relationship. They will fall in love with someone who cares about, and respects them even as they are, takes time to build a safe space for and with them without mounting pressure or rushing them; someone with who they can be their real safe, and who expresses to them through actions that seeking comfort isn’t something bad. It won’t happen instantly;
Do Avoidants miss you?
The thing with the avoidant attachment type is- it’s not like they don’t want people around them at all; they don’t want you in their face. They want someone in the house, want to know there’s someone ‘around’- just not in the same room. And this is usually just like their history replaying- they had a parent who was around somewhere in the house but wasn’t really there for them, so they have learned to adjust and be comfortable with that for years.
Although they naturally like their space and seem always to seem to push their partners off, they usually don’t recognize they need their partners until when the partner leaves- whether the person decides to give them space, or due to separation, illness, divorce, death or any other reason. When this happens, and they realize they are alone, that’s when the reality sets in, and crisis hits. Like everybody else, people with avoidant attachment patterns actually want connection too. It’s just that there are certain things, which stand in the way, which are traceable to their attachment history. With patience, love, understanding, and the right help, they can break free, learn to express themselves, and be more receptive to their partners.
Do Avoidants get attached?
One constant thing in life is change. Attachment patterns are not rigid; like almost everything in life, they are subject to change. People who are anxious-avoidant, fearful-avoidant, or dismissive-avoidant can overcome their attachment issues.
Do Avoidants miss their ex?
This could depend on many things- like if they were dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant in the relationship- but yes, avoidants most usually do miss their exes. They may miss their partner, but they try to internalize that feeling most times- typical, right? Sometimes, there’s that initial relief in getting some space. However, after some time, the relief subsides, and reality sets in. The breakup and space then make them realize how valuable the other person was/is. They may miss their partner’s depth, versatility, ambition, strength, and other attributes that make them special.
Do Avoidants ever commit?
Avoidant attachment is a form of defense mechanism built from childhood trauma from abandonment and rejection, which makes them somehow believe bonds, connections, and relationships are temporary and unpredictable. It is an unconscious attempt to make sure they do not go through anything like what they went through with their caregivers. This makes people with avoidant attachment style dread emotional closeness or commitments, and they have a hard time maintaining relationships or making long-term commitments. They prefer independence to intimacy, and they tend to pull away when they begin to feel too close for comfort. However, attachment patterns are flexible, so it is possible to unlearn these mechanisms, move into a more attachment style, bond with their partner and commit to a long-term relationship. Attachments can be worked on- a little adjustment here and there, and joint effort and support from their partner. Seeking help from professionals will go a long way to help people with avoidant attachment create attachments and be committed to their relationship.
How do you tell if an avoidant loves you?
Getting to ascertain if someone with an avoidant attachment pattern has feelings for you can be difficult to decipher; one moment, they are all so nice, giving and receiving attention, and all of a sudden, it feels like everything suddenly evaporates, and they go cold. Because of how growing up was for them, people with avoidant attachment have a constant fear of being rejected or dismissed, so they have learned to suppress their emotions, which shows in their adult romantic relationships. So even when they begin to develop feelings for someone, they try to suppress and hide them. They somehow think they may do something, or their partner may discover something, which may make you stop loving them, so they tend to shift back and try to limit the time they spend with you. They suddenly feel the need to go back to that place of aloneness because it feels like a safe place for them, and so that way, there is no risk of anyone withdrawing affection. If someone who has avoidant attachment really loves you, though, they won’t need to go on that break. They will open up to you, spend time with you and always make remarks about how spending time with you makes them comfortable. They will willingly allow you to break through their defenses and see through them because, at that point, the fear of intimacy won’t be as powerful as how much they need you in their lives.
Do Avoidants feel lonely?
When a child does not enjoy attachment with the parents or other primary caregivers, he/she feels unloved, unwanted, uncared for, neglected, and lonely. A child who has gone through neglect or felt rejected would begin to avoid creating connections because of fear of further rejections. Loneliness is a feeling that is borne out of a need for intimacy, which was unfulfilled. Children want to bond with their parents and caregivers; they need to feel close, loved, and wanted. When this need is not met, the child develops insecure attachment, and this can have long term adverse effects on the child, as they may begin to exhibit numerous disturbing traits like eating disorders, inferiority complex, anxious-avoidant attachment, dismissive-avoidant attachment, depression, stress, aggressiveness, short-temperedness, reactive attachment disorder (RAD), and a number of mental health issues.
During its formative years, a child's experience has shaped the rest of their life and creates attachment patterns, which they carry into their future relationships, including romantic relationships. People with avoidant attachment patterns tend to believe they can’t trust others or allow themselves to be close to others, so they try to defend themselves by keeping their distance or not opening up to connections, bonding, or intimate relationships. And if the other person probably is an anxious-avoidant, for example, conflicts may ensue, and then the other person leaves them alone for some time or even breaks up with them. At first, they feel relieved to be finally left alone. Still, after some time, loneliness and even depression may set in. Contrary to popular belief, individuals with avoidant attachment patterns- whether the anxious-avoidant or dismissive avoidant attachment type- also crave connection. However, they try not to show it for fear of rejection.
Can an avoidant person love?
Avoidant behaviors can definitely vary from person to person, but an avoidant person can fall in love with the right person. A love avoidant might find this concept impossible, but a love avoidant person can fall in love. An avoidant person might even consider themself a love addict but have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, in which case they crave love addiction but showcase love avoidance for fear of getting too close to someone. Avoidant behaviors, for that reason, might seem sporadic or difficult to understand for anyone who does not love avoidant and love anxiety or does not experience avoidant behaviors.
That said, love avoidant and the ability to love outwardly healthily does not always go hand in hand. A love avoidant person will not likely display signs of love addiction or consider themselves a love addict. If you consider yourself a love addict or someone with love addiction, understanding an avoidant person might be difficult. Love addicts might struggle to understand how love can be shown in ways other than love addiction. Healthy love and different attachment styles can subjectively change how someone views avoidant behaviors. If an avoidant behavior stands out to you, try not to automatically assume that that person is a love avoidant person or an avoidant person in general. Some people might display one or two avoidant behaviors, but they will not consider themselves love avoidance. Someone seems to avoid intimacy; it could be because they are a love-avoidant person or might experience something else. If the attitude and behaviors of the love avoidant person concern you, consider speaking with a couple’s therapist.
What are Avoidants attracted to?
Avoidant individuals might find it difficult to feel attracted to anyone at times. An avoidant person may find any given individual flawed in ways that encourage their attitude and behaviors to lean towards avoidance and push them to avoid intimacy further. If an avoidant person is attracted to avoidance and love in tandem, they might feel drawn to others with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Unlike a love addiction, a person with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style might also avoid intimacy and display a few crossover avoidant behaviors. A love avoidant person might feel safest with someone who does not push them towards opening up and is okay with someone who prefers to avoid intimacy.
Healthy love does not mean changing who you are. Even though a love addict and a love avoidant person might not be a match made in heaven, someone with love addiction is not automatically better or worse with their ability to show and feel love. A love addict might show love differently. Love addicts experience different problems with attraction, so do not worry about avoidant style being a make or break it sentence for attraction. In short, an avoidant person may find themselves attracted to those with similar avoidant behaviors.
How do you know if an avoidant loves you?
Avoidant behavior can make it difficult to know if an avoidant is falling in love with you. Avoidant and love can seem like opposites, which is why an avoidant behavior might make it difficult to know how an avoidant person is falling in love, unlike a love addict. Avoidant individuals might have their own way of showing affection, as outlined by the seven love languages.
For example, a love addict might prefer to show love through gift-giving, and a love addict might prefer to receive love through physical touch, while a love avoidant person might prefer to give and receive love through acts of service. Love addiction and love avoidant behaviors can be better understood when looking at the love languages. If avoidant behaviors show love in ways that you are not used to, try to think about how that avoidant person prefers to show affection to understand love avoidant behaviors.
What happens when an avoidant falls in love?
When an avoidant person falls in love, their avoidant behavior might make it difficult to notice. Those feelings might be difficult for them to navigate so that patients might be required. Unlike a love addict, an avoidant person might need to take time to understand their feelings. However, like a love addiction, avoidant people might need to pace themselves not to burn out. Love addicts fall in love fast and can burn out, but love addicts can also usually show their affection strongly in the process. While love addiction is not the only way to experience love, love addiction can be easier to see from the outside. A love addict and love addict alike might make their feelings more obvious, while an avoidant might take their time assessing their feelings and showcase that through avoidant behaviors.
Do you think an avoidant person is worth dating?
Is someone with avoidant personality disorder capable of committing to long-term relationships?
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