How Can I Save My Marriage After Years Of Marital Problems?

Many married couples may wonder how to save their marriage after years of problems. Some couples have struggled with the same perpetual problems for several years and still don’t know how to manage them. Other couples experience different marriage struggles and don’t know how to stop them from coming up. It is normal for couples to have such problems in their marriage, and they are nothing to feel shameful about. There are many highly effective ways you and your partner can work out your problems and learn how to manage them in the future. 

Common marital problems

Every marriage may have a different dynamic. That means each couple may face their own unique set of problems. Still, there are common problems that most couples have to deal with at some point during their marriage. These common marital issues include a lack of communication skills, anger or emotional management issues, a lack of interest in each other, and stress from a busy schedule. 

Lack of communication skills

One of the most common issues that can lead to marital problems is a lack of communication. Lacking communication skills can result in not speaking to each other enough or just not communicating properly to your spouse. A couple with communication issues may disregard each other’s feelings in a heated argument, have trouble listening to one another, and even yell and scream at each other. Of course, this can make the conflict even worse. 

Perhaps the key to fixing this marriage trouble is to simply stop and think before you speak. You might want to express your emotion in a calm way that is non-threatening to your spouse. Then, consider letting them speak and try to really listen. 

If you know things are going to get heated, then it may be best to separate yourself in different areas of the house to cool off. If there is anything that can save a marriage, it might be improving your communication. If you two are stuck in your current communication habits and you are making no improvements, a relationship counselor may be able to help. 

Anger or emotional management issues

There is no such thing as a marriage devoid of anger. That’s because marriages are comprised of human beings, and anger is a natural human emotion. Once you begin living together, it may only be a matter of time before problems arise. Ideally, the two of you will be able to work your problems out in a healthy, calm way. Sometimes, couples may struggle to keep their emotions from boiling over during arguments. One partner or the other may have issues managing their anger, which can lead to hurt feelings or worse. 

When anger starts to surface, consider asking yourself why you are feeling angry before expressing it to your spouse. If one or both of you become overly upset, you may want to take a break to calm down separately. Once you’re both feeling level-headed, you can come back together to work things out.

If you find that it’s hard to communicate with one another when you’re angry, consider writing each other a letter. Writing makes you slow down and think about how you are feeling. It also gives you the time to be by yourself and get down to the reasons why you are so angry. When you read the letter from your spouse, you’ll also get insight into your partner’s point of view. As a result, you may be better able to understand where they are coming from and how to better handle these types of disagreements in the future. Learning to communicate effectively, whether verbally or in writing, may help with any anger and emotional management issues in your marriage.  

Lack of interest in each other

Many couples may experience a lack of interest in their spouse or feel their spouse is not interested in them. This may be a normal part of marriage. When you see someone every day for many years, you can become desensitized to them. The exciting spark you two had in the beginning may fade to some degree. 

Many couples find that spending time together and scheduling dates helps them get their spark back. Even if you two have been together for decades, you may need to continue to date each other and spend time together intentionally. Consider making occasional or even frequent date nights mandatory. Enjoy small talk together or have more profound conversations. Learn to just enjoy being in each other’s company.

There are other gestures that could help as well. For instance, you might want to acknowledge your spouse whenever they enter a room. Hold their hand, and just be close to them as you two enjoy a meal or an at-home movie night. Try to become curious about your partner again, just like at the beginning of the relationship where you couldn’t get enough of each other. When you become interested in your partner, you may discover more attractive things about them. Perhaps most importantly, practice gratitude and compassion towards your spouse. 

Stress from a busy schedule

Stress from a busy schedule can make people withdraw from the ones they love the most. Some people tend to isolate themselves when they are under significant stress. Stress can also make people feel emotionally charged, as if they might break down at any moment. These emotions can cause more arguments than usual and result in marital problems.

Even if you and your partner are not stressed, a busy schedule can also cause marital issues. For example, you may feel as if you never see your spouse. You may be heading off for work when they are just getting home, or you might not have much time to talk at night before you both fall asleep. And then you do it all over again the next day. 

Many married couples have busy schedules with work, school, taking care of kids and the home, and the list goes on. To stay on top of this potential issue, consider allowing yourself to say no to extra activities that come up in your life. You might also want to make your partner a priority, especially if you both are dealing with busy schedules. Try to remember to be there for your spouse and be a listening ear if they need support through a stressful season.

Ways to help resolve marital conflict

There are many different causes of marital problems, but there may be just as many ways to help resolve them. Here are a few effective ways you can manage any problems you and your spouse may face in your marriage:

Sit down with your spouse and discuss your problems

Sitting down and discussing your problems with your spouse can be helpful. You may want to take turns explaining what is causing your problems as well as any specific things that are bothering you. Try to avoid trapping your spouse in a conversation. Instead, plan a time when each of you has had time to get your thoughts together. Otherwise, they may feel threatened and resort to anger. During the conversation, make an effort to show respect to each other and remain calm. 

Try to understand your spouse’s feelings

Trying to understand your spouse’s feelings will help you understand them better as a person. It can also provide you with another perspective on the problems in your marriage. Consider trying to understand the way your spouse processes information and what makes them upset. When you and your spouse understand each other, your problems can be resolved more quickly and smoothly. 

Try marriage counseling

If you have tried many different techniques to save your marriage and still aren’t seeing results, marriage counseling may be helpful for you. Many couples struggle with the idea that they may need marital counseling to make things work. You might be hesitant to seek therapy because you feel ashamed of the issues in your marriage. If this is the case, online counseling may be a good fit for you. Many couples report feeling more at ease with discussions about marital issues in a web-based setting. 

This type of remote therapy has also been proven to help couples achieve their relationship goals. A recent study found that online couples counseling was associated with positive benefits such as mental health gains and better relationship functioning. 

Takeaway

It can be difficult to keep trying to resolve issues after many years of marital problems. Giving up can seem like the only option, but there are many different methods and resources that can lead to healing and renewal for your marriage.  And you don’t have to do it alone—reach out today to speak to a licensed and compassionate marriage counselor.