The First Things To Do When Marriage Trouble Looms

Marriage difficulties and issues such as divorce and separation are common in our society, but we often believe that these issues are something we will never encounter in our own marriages. Unfortunately, you may end up being one of the couples that run into trouble down the road, especially if the issues you face are rather significant. Both you and your partner may not be unprepared to deal with conflicts or issues that arrived when you weren't paying as much attention to your relationship as you could've been.

There is a difference between minor conflict and trouble that indicates substantial conflict hangs over the marriage and affects you and your partner. All romantic relationships hit bumps in the road, and you should expect to have disagreements you will need to handle. After all, there will always be differences between two people who have decided to build a life together. But these problems can quickly grow into more serious issues if they are allowed to go unresolved. 

What should you do when you realize you face real marriage trouble instead of a rough patch? If this is a question that you and your partner have asked yourselves recently, here is some advice that can help you with your marriage troubles.

Take stock

It may shock you when you suddenly realize that divorce or separation is possible. It can be an eye-opening experience. Painful as it may be, this is also an opportunity to re-examine the state and nature of your relationship. Perhaps things have shifted from being exciting to merely comfortable, and you're no longer paying as much attention to your partner's needs and desires as before. The pressures of the outside world - work, distinct social circles, and disparate long-term goals - may have caused you to grow apart without being aware of it.

Taking stock is not only about compiling a list of problems and complaints. It is also important to remember the good times you've had, how you support one another, and the amount of time and energy you've already put into building your marriage. Even if moving forward seems impossible, reflecting on the risks and possible rewards these times present you with might motivate you to keep moving.

Reconnect with your family (including your in-laws)

Even if this means spending a weekend or more apart, getting an outside perspective may be all you need to put the various elements of your marriage back into their proper context. If you have trouble being in the same room without an argument erupting, a little time with your respective families may be the solution to help tempers settle.

In-laws aren't always the most pleasant people to be around when your marriage is in choppy waters but don't neglect to talk with them. Keeping in touch with them may be just what you both need to see the situation. The chances are that your partner's close family has a vested interest in seeing your marriage recover and knows them exceptionally well. There might be things your spouse doesn't think of telling you for various reasons, which their siblings and parents all know about. At the same time, criticizing your partner in front of either their family or yours is never a good idea.

Think hard about the root causes of marriage trouble

When asked to list the reasons for formerly happy couples getting divorced, most people's minds will go to issues such as infidelity or money trouble. But the most common reason for divorce is basic incompatibility. People can change a lot throughout a marriage, and it’s possible that the people you and your spouse were when you got married are not who you are now. 

Perhaps the most important thing to remember here is how you communicate. You may talk for hours every day, but if the only topics discussed are the weather, gossip, and what's on television, you might as well be speaking to the cat. True communication requires both partners to feel confident asserting their opinions and complaints without emotional blackmail, ridicule, or unwarranted criticism. 

The next key point is that certain personal boundaries must be respected without question. You may intend to spend the rest of your lives together, but this doesn't mean you're surgically grafted onto each other.

One great way to better identify the issues is to look at things from an outside perspective. When you glimpse problems that arise in other marriages, you can see how those dynamics play into your relationship and cultivate awareness around them. The first step to change is knowing and understanding what is causing your marriage to become strained in the first place.

Figure out which areas you could improve in

In a committed relationship with issues, we often perceive our partner's actions or behavior as the force driving the nail in the coffin. We also expect that, once they change their ways, everything will return to normal and we can be a healthy, happy couple again. What many need to realize, however, is that marriage is a two-way street. For everything that your partner may be doing to contribute to the current state of your relationship, there is likely an equal number of things that are bothering your partner that you are doing. We can't expect our partners to do all of the work and for us to receive all of the benefits.

With this in mind, it can be helpful to refer to the list of things you and your partner came up with when evaluating your marriage. Take that list and identify some of the places where you need to improve to help your marriage succeed. 

For example, let's imagine that your partner is unhappy with how you frivolously spend money, or perhaps they feel as though you do not pay enough attention to them or show your affection for them anymore. While the feelings may be on their side of the relationship, the ability to change those things indicates that the ball is in your court. Ask yourself, what can you do about these issues? How can you effectively tackle them and make sure that they are resolved? Going with the above financial example, you can easily start creating a budget that helps you cut down on purchases so that you and your partner can experience less financial stress. If your partner needs more attention, schedule a date night or try to pay more attention to them throughout the week and ensure that your love for them is known.

Once you have come up with some solutions, crafting a plan of action that you can easily follow is essential. Much like fixing your marriage, improving yourself only comes with the proper knowledge and effort. If you should choose to ignore these things, you will quickly fall back into the same habits that caused the problem in the first place. With solutions in hand, come up with a solid schedule and to-do list that will help you to incorporate these solutions into your daily life. Then, all you have to do is try to go through with what you say you would do, and you will start to experience the benefits of your actions. Putting out the effort and improving your behavior will provide a great model for your partner and show them that you are still dedicated to the relationship. Change starts with you!

Commit to couples therapy

Much of what is listed above is easier said than done, especially when two people who aren't getting along must work together on complex emotional issues. Not every couple has the skills, motivation, or patience necessary to work alone with their partner. Trying to do so unsuccessfully can increase the severity of the issues the pair are currently experiencing. However, you don’t have to do these things alone, and there are alternative options out there that can assist couples in attempting to relieve themselves of their marital issues.

Online couples therapy is an effective way to get the support you and your spouse need to work through any challenges in your marriage. Whether you will decide to stay together or separate is up to you and your spouse, but a therapist can help you determine what work needs to be done and whether you are both committed to doing the work. 

With online therapy, you can attend sessions from the comfort of your home, or anywhere you have an internet connection. You don’t have to worry about commuting to an office or being on a waiting list. Research shows that couples in online treatment felt they could connect with their therapist, and most found video conferencing to be positive and beneficial. If you’re ready to take the next step to fend off marriage trouble, sign up with Regain to get started.

Takeaway

If you and your spouse are having marriage issues that are more than minor bumps in the road, taking action to address them is crucial. Sometimes, open communication can go a long way to bring you and your spouse together, but other problems may require more support. Seek a marriage counselor to help you rebuild your marriage and avoid the possibility of divorce.