Five Ways To Identify A Toxic Marriage -- And How To Leave

Conflict is inevitable in marriage and can be a sign of a healthy relationship. However, if you have recognized that your marriage is growing more dysfunctional and with no reprieve, you may be involved in a toxic marriage. Marriages are complicated, but should be based in mutual understanding, empathy, support, and trust. A relationship characterized by persistent distrust and lack of emotional support indicate an unhealthy relationship that most likely needs a therapeutic intervention.

Marriages will run into problems and tough times, but by the time a marriage reaches a certain level of toxicity, it is time to get out or seek professional help. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done, especially because not everyone knows when they are in a toxic marital relationship. It’s easy to mistake toxicity for a rough patch in a relationship, but there’s a huge difference. Read on to learn more about the signs of a toxic marriage and when it is time to leave. 

A quick word on toxic marriages

A toxic marital relationship does not have to define the trajectory of your life. Things may seem challenging and difficult while you are in the midst of them, but there is most definitely light at the end of the tunnel. The one silver lining is that you can chalk this marriage up to a learning experience. Whether you realize it or not, there is always something new to be learned. This can pertain to what you want in future relationships, what you do not want, which type of individuals you are most compatible and much more.

Recognizing, dealing with a toxic spouse, and leaving a destructive marital relationship can be challenging, at times, even overwhelming. When you finally make it to the other side, give yourself the space to heal, process things, or even grieve. Taking everything in stride is important, as it is not rushing yourself or blaming yourself for feeling certain emotions. Each person has their way managing hurt and trauma. Follow what feels right to you and try to refrain from comparing yourself to others. Most importantly, do not go through the process alone. Surround yourself with a positive support system and know there is mental health support available to help along this journey.

How to identify a toxic relationship

Wondering whether you are in a toxic relationship is a significant sign that you are. However, being certain is important as it helps you accept the situation you are in and encourages you to let go of the unhealthy marriage and move forward. Being aware of the telltale signs of a toxic marriage and analyzing your relationship’s nature will determine what you need to do next. The following signs are indicative of this toxicity:

Violence

Any form of violence is an indicator for you to leave. There is no excuse. If your spouse is having a bad day, just got laid off, experienced a death in the family, or is otherwise facing some other crisis, it simply does not matter. There is no excuse nor justification for violent behavior. Reach for support and find a safe place. 

If you are experiencing any kind of abuse or violence at home or elsewhere, you can anonymously call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) for advice and assistance. 

Lack of responsibility

Marriage is about the partnership, which inherently requires both parties to be responsible individuals. Your spouse is someone who you can test and rely upon when you need them. Not being able to comfortably lean on your spouse for support is a sign of toxicity. Now, everyone makes mistakes and has bad days sometimes. But, if you are in a marriage where you feel alone and consistently unable to count on your spouse, know it is extremely unhealthy. Part of commitment is being responsible and thinking of how actions will affect both you and your spouse.

Emotional abuse

How your spouse speaks to you when you’re in the middle of a disagreement speaks volumes regarding the marriage’s health. No couple agrees with one another all the time or always sees things the same way. However, disagreements and fights do not justify putting someone down, degrading them, name-calling, or issuing insults to be hurtful. If you are subjected to these types of behaviors, you’re experiencing emotional abuse, which is highly toxic and unacceptable.

Infidelity

When you marry someone, you are professing your vows and swearing to forsake all others. Therefore, cheating in any form serves as an immense betrayal. Although certain couples have managed to maintain a marriage after infidelity, it is still immensely wrong and has broken up many couples. The reality is that cheating shows a unique disregard for one’s spouse and commitment when they get married to one another. Cheating erodes trust and can change the dynamic of a relationship forever

Walking on eggshells

If you constantly feel on edge when you are around your spouse or in your home together, this is a very real sign that something is wrong. Again, marriage is based on trust and feeling comfortable in sharing concerns and needs for improvement. When you are fearful, afraid to anger them, or otherwise on edge, then this is another sign of a toxic marriage. Take note of how you feel when you are in the presence of your spouse, especially if you feel you may be covering feelings of pain or anger. This will tell you a lot and speak volumes regarding the condition of your marriage.

How to leave a toxic marital relationship

The best and most effective way to leave a toxic marital relationship is to get a divorce. Divorce can be challenging and difficult, but the long-term relief of escaping a toxic marital relationship will outweigh any initial discomfort of divorce. However, approaching the divorce from a strategic and prepared standpoint will ensure that you’re significantly better off and have a smoother transition.

Establish a financial safety net

Having money put aside for the process of divorce is highly advisable. Lawyers can be expensive. It may also be best for you to relocate once you no longer plan on remaining with your spouse. Divorce can be stressful enough on its own, which is why having money put aside can truly make a significant difference. You never know what unexpected expenses might pop up. When you are leaving a toxic marital relationship, you do not want to be economically dependent upon your spouse in any way, shape, or form.

Have a reliable support system

As you are leaving a toxic marital relationship, you should inform your friends, family, and those closest to you of what’s happening. The process of divorce and leaving a marriage can be emotionally exhausting. Now, more than ever, is the time to have reliable people in your corner who you can lean on. You will find that a reliable support system empowers and helps give you the energy and strength to leave a toxic marital relationship.

Sever ties with your soon-to-be ex-spouse

Toxic people can be incredibly dangerous. It is not uncommon for toxic individuals to suddenly put on the waterworks or even lash out when they feel as though they’re losing control. This is another reason why a financial safety net and reliable support system are invaluable resources when you are leaving a toxic marital relationship.

Do something you love

The divorce process can feel all-consuming, which is why you must have some positivity happening in your life. Doing something that you love, whether it’s going to the gym, taking up a new hobby, or even going for a walk in the park, will benefit you emotionally and mentally. Even as you are going through a divorce, it is important you have something healthy to distract you from the stress. You should have something to look forward to and be happy about.

Look into therapy

As you are in the process of leaving a toxic marital relationship, you most likely will experience intense feeling and thoughts racing through your mind. This is perfectly normal and to be expected. However, as if these feelings are overwhelming you or you need someone to simply listen, you may find that working with a therapist is helpful and beneficial. Depending on the precise nature of your toxic marital relationship and what all went on, there could potentially be underlying trauma that has yet to be addressed.

At the very least, therapy comes in handy just for the sake of having a professional to speak with and confide in. A growing number of studies point to online counseling as an effective method of helping individuals deal with complicated emotions after a breakup or divorce. In a study published in Trials—the peer-reviewed medical journal—researchers outlined the potential efficacy of online therapy in helping those experiencing separation, bereavement, or divorce. In similar studies, researchers have concluded that online therapy could significantly reduce feelings of grief, depression, embitterment, and loneliness, and increase overall quality of life.

To make things even better, you do not have to make it to an office every week when you sign up for online therapy with Regain. This is an important support system to have in place as you leave a toxic marital relationship and deal with other challenges that life may present.

Takeaway

When you realize your marriage is toxic and is no longer bringing you joy, it may be time to call it quits. Relationships should provide comfort, safety, and support. If you are no longer experiencing this, especially if the relationship has become toxic or abusive, seek out support from a trusted loved one.  Seeking professional help to offer guidance and support is another great tool.