Bi Married Men: What If You Find Out That You’re Bisexual After A Marriage?

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Bisexuality is a sexual orientation that is independent from the choice of engaging in non-monogamous and/or monogamous relationships.

What is bisexuality? 

Bisexuality, or a mixture of both same-sex and different-sex attraction, can be understood using the Kinsey scale. On this scale, sexual attraction is plotted from a score of 0 (exclusive heterosexual) to 6 (exclusive homosexual), with numbers 1 through 5 describing varying degrees of bisexual attraction and/or behaviors.

According to the American Institute of Bisexuality, bisexuality is an inclusive term for a diverse array of attraction and/or behavior. For example: 

• Bisexuality can be used to describe romantic attraction, physical attraction, and/or sexual behavior that is not confined to one sex. 
• Bisexuality can be defined differently based on things like culture, background, and politics.
• Someone who identifies as bisexual (or, “bi”) may experience attraction to different sexes in different ways, may experience more attraction towards one gender, or might experience periods where their preferences change. 
• Bisexual people may use different terminology to describe themselves, such as queer, or pansexual.  

Just because you can be attracted to more than a single sex and/or gender, does not mean you are not capable of maintaining committed monogamous relationships (if you so choose to). To quote Robyn Ochs, a bisexual activist and speaker, on what being bisexual means to her: 

"I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted - romantically and/or sexually - to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree."

In other words, bisexuality can mean different things to different people, and it does not dictate your preference for monogamous or non-monogamous relationships. 

Wondering if you’re bisexual?

People explore and uncover their sexual orientation in many ways. Though some people may have an understanding of their sexual orientation from a young age, others may take many years or a lifetime to figure it out. If you’re unsure about your sexual orientation, Advocates for Youth offers these questions, which may help you determine if you’re bisexual:

• Do you have sexual fantasies or dreams exclusively about a specific sex/gender? 
• When you picture yourself in relationships (sexual, emotional, physical, marital, etc.), do you think of yourself with a specific sex/gender?
• Have you had romantic feelings for people of different genders/sexes?
• Can you compare/contrast your feelings for people with different genders/sexes? 

Bisexuality is the most common sexual orientation amongst people in the LGBTQ+ community, with 11% of Americans reporting having some level of same-sexual attraction. 

Though bisexuality is a common sexual orientation, some bisexual people find it difficult to come out after marriage. It may be particularly challenging to come out while married because bisexuality is often wrongly identified as a ‘transitional’ identity, with sexual orientation determined by the gender/sex of your current partner. The misunderstanding and stigma surrounding bisexuality may explain, in part, why 75% of gay and lesbian people are out to people close to them, whereas only 19% of bisexual people are. 

Deciding to come out as bisexual

It’s about her experience coming out and accepting her bisexuality in a monogamous marriage. For her, the experience enabled a greater sense of self-acceptance, reduced shame in experiencing attraction to different genders, and a stronger sense of identity and connection with the LGBTQ+ community. 

How to come out to your partner

There’s no one right way to come out to your spouse, but the following advice may be helpful: 

• Determine why you want to reach out: For example, are you interested in ethical non-monogamy, and /or do you want to remain monogamous but include your spouse in an aspect of your identity? 
• Figure out how you feel: Caroline Madden, a licensed marriage and family expert, recommends going to therapy before revealing your sexual orientation with your spouse. That way, you can plan what you want to say and discuss exactly how you feel, rather than asking them to help you work through your identity. 
• Differentiate between sexual orientation and your relationship status: Your spouse may not be aware that bisexual people often maintain monogamous marriages. You may want to let them know that your sexual orientation is not a reflection of your satisfaction with your marriage. 
• Be aware of the risks: After you come out, they may choose to leave your relationship, or the dynamic of your relationship may be permanently changed. Not everyone accepts or understands bisexuality. 

The Human Rights Campaign Foundation has a helpful guide which might help you navigate the process of coming out as bisexual. 

Who can I talk to about being bisexual? 

There are places and people you can turn to if you want to talk about it.

Find a support group

If you do not feel safe talking to loved ones about your sexual orientation, or even if you do, bisexual support groups can be an inviting place to feel validated and accepted amongst peers. You can find many free or low-cost support groups for people who identify as bisexual through your search engine. Alternatively, you can use this list from the Bisexual Resource Center to find a Bi+ Group near you, or search for a local PFLAG chapter.

Consider talking to a therapist 

Online platforms, like Regain, allow you to search for inclusive, LGBT+ affirming therapists, who can help offer support and validation. 

If you’ve decided to come out to your spouse, you may find that online couples therapy is useful, too. A 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that online couples therapy was as efficacious as in-person therapy for couple’s satisfaction and therapeutic outcomes. In particular, the study found that relationship happiness was improved, and that symptoms of depression, stress, and anxiety were reduced. For some couples, the physical distance from their therapist during online couples counseling can make it easier to open up and feel comfortable, and many couples prefer attending therapy from the comfort of their own home.

Takeaway

Bisexuality is a common sexual orientation that is often poorly understood. 

Whether or not you choose to come out, an individual therapist can help you understand your sexual orientation. Research supports that online couple’s therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy, and many couples feel more comfortable reaching out through an online platform.