Bi Married Men: What If You Find Out That You’re Bisexual After A Marriage?
By Sarah Fader
Updated March 16, 2020
Reviewer Laura Angers
What Is Bisexuality?
Bisexuality is when an individual has a romantic and sexual attraction to both men and women. There are many different sexualities that exist and may resonate with different people. Someone who is attracted to people regardless of gender may identify as pansexual. Some people who fit the description of "bisexual" may choose to identify with the all-encompassing term "queer." Bisexuality means something different to different people, and because sexuality is so individual, there's no straight answer (pun intended) to the question "what is bisexuality?" Identifying as bisexual doesn't necessarily mean that you experience a 50/50 split in terms of attraction where you're attracted to men half of the time and women half of the time. A common illustration of that is the Kinsey scale, which shows that you can be attracted to those identifying with the female gender and the male gender but swing in one direction. For example, maybe you're bisexual but typically prefer dating women, or you're bisexual and find that you typically prefer men.
Be Open With Your Partner About Your Sexuality
It's important when you have a partner, and you're bisexual to be open about your sexual needs because if your partner is one gender and you're bisexual you might have sexual feelings toward someone else who's the opposite gender of your partner. This could be fine; you might have an open relationship, you might be polyamorous, or you might be monogamous and not act on those feelings or desires. There are a lot of common misconceptions about bisexuality, and one of the most dominant and harmful of those misconceptions is that if you're bisexual, you're apt to cheat on your partner, which is not true. It's just the same as it would be if you were in a monogamous relationship with a straight person; you're committed to each other and don't intend to stray outside of the relationship. So, what does bisexuality mean for married men?
Bi Married Men - When They Find Out They're Bisexual
You might assume that all married men are heterosexual, but you would be wrong. There are many married men who identify as bi. When a married man finds out that he's bi, it could mean that there's no change in the marriage and that coming out is simply an informative statement where he's open with his wife and tells her that he's bisexual. It's just a point of reference that he's attracted to other men, which he may not act on in this case if he's in a strictly monogamous relationship where two people are exclusive. In open relationships or if someone's polyamorous and already seeing different partners, a bi married man and his partner might talk about him being intimate with other individuals who could be of the same gender. The most important thing is that you're open with your spouse.
It's important to remember that sexuality is fluid and that this realization will mean different things for different people. It could mean that you're in a marriage and don't necessarily want to be with other men; you just have that attraction. It could also mean that you'd like to explore being with a man and depending on how you and your partner both feel, that could mean ending the marriage or staying in it. Whatever you and your partner decide to do is perfectly valid and okay, but to get to that place, communication is vital.
Taking Time To Understand Your Emotions
Discovering your sexuality is a process. We go through a sexual evolution over our lives. You may know as early as childhood that you are bisexual, or it might not come out until you are an adult. Regardless, it's crucial to remember that learning about your sexual identity takes time, and you can allow yourself the space to figure out what your sexuality is, and how you understand it. It's important to be patient with yourself as you take the time to learn about your sexual orientation. This could be a brand new realization for you, or you may have been in a situation growing up where you knew that you were bisexual but were repressed and couldn't necessarily be open about your sexuality.
For example, it could be that you grew up in a religious household where being anything other than heterosexual was frowned upon. Now that you're a married adult who is away from their family, you hopefully feel open to express what being bisexual means to you. As long as you feel safe, be open about your sexuality with your partner. It's necessary to talk about your sexual preferences in a romantic relationship. Even if it means the relationship may change, it's crucial to have a dialogue. Honesty and communication are extremely important in romantic relationships.
Communicate With Your Partner
After figuring out that you're a married man who is bisexual, you may struggle with how to tell your partner. You might be fearful of bringing up the topic or consider hiding the truth from them. Regardless of
How difficult it is to broach the subject, it's imperative to speak with your partner about your sexuality. Having an open and honest dialogue about what it's like to be a bisexual, married man will help you and allow your partner the chance to be supportive. Tell your partner what's going on. You don't even need to use the word "bisexual" if you aren't comfortable with that. If it feels more appropriate for your specific feelings and situation, you might even describe how you feel to your partner by saying that you're bicurious or questioning. There's no wrong way to address the situation. Just be open and honest, and tell your partner that you're attracted to men as well as members of the opposite sex. Again, it doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship has to change entirely, and that could be one of the first things that you tell them when you open this dialogue with them.
In many cases, it'll just be a part of who you are as a person that is helpful for them to know. You want to be with someone who accepts you and appreciates who you are as a whole person, and your romantic or sexual orientation is a part of that. It might redefine the relationship in some respects, but the foundation of your connection doesn't necessarily need to change.
It's understandable if you're not sure where to turn after realizing that you are bisexual. You can talk to your friends and family about being bi if you're comfortable with that. However, some people don't feel safe speaking to their loved ones about their sexuality. There are other places where you can open up about being bisexual and feel accepted. You may find it helpful to join an LGBTQIA+ group where you can talk about being bisexual and married. Being a bisexual, married man, you might be surprised how many other people there are out there in your shoes. Finding a sense of community is important, and when you join a group of other LGBTQIA+ people, you may find great relief, increased self-acceptance, and self-awareness, and, of course, new friends.
Sometimes, it's easier to be open about what you're feeling in a support group, which is part of why community is so imperative - a sense of togetherness matters when it comes to understanding your sexual orientation. Your wife can be supportive during the process, but having a community to talk about your sexuality with is invaluable. You can feel understood and validated. Being around your peers is a welcoming experience. It's not necessarily easy to open up to others, but it can be incredibly rewarding. You will likely find an overlap in what you're feeling. LGBTQIA+ centers have many support groups, and you can find one in your local area. There are also online LGBTQIA+ support groups where you can talk about being bisexual. Whether you connect in person or on the internet, you can find a sense of community and understanding when you seek out support groups for sexuality.
Get Counseling - Talk To A Therapist About Sexuality
Since sexuality is fluid, and we are learning more and more about it throughout our lives, we may need help in understanding it. You can explore your sexuality by talking about it with friends and loved ones. You can speak candidly about it with your current partner. You can also discuss issues with sex and sexuality in counseling. Therapy is a great place to explore your sexuality. It's a confidential, and safe space to talk about your feelings. If you find out that you're bisexual, first know that there's nothing wrong with you or your sexual orientation. The emotions and challenges that can arise when you learn that you're bisexual can be difficult to work through, but you don't have to do it alone, and navigating these things in a therapeutic environment can be extremely helpful.
One excellent option is online counseling, where you can speak with a confidential, licensed mental health professional. Sometimes, people find that in addition to individual counseling where you talk about your sexuality, online couples counseling can help as well. ReGain is a great website where you can find mental health professionals who do couples counseling. The experienced counselors at ReGain are well-versed in helping married couples and committed partnerships. They understand that sexuality can be a highly important part of a relationship and they can help you navigate what it means to be a bisexual, married man. Search the network of counselors at ReGain today and find the right fit for you.