What To Say When Your Partner Asks, "Why Do You Love Me?"
Medically Reviewed By Karen Devlin, LPC
It happens to even the most confident among us: We wonder what makes us lovable to those close to us. It could be that we’re having self-esteem issues, noticing a lack of affection from a partner, or seeking validation for another reason. No matter where this curiosity comes from, it often leads to the straightforward question, “Why do you love me?”
When we care for someone, we want to make them feel special. So, if your partner asks you why you love them, it can be important to come up with a thorough and heartfelt answer to the question. One of the best ways to do this (and to remind yourself of your partner’s virtues) is to give them a short list of reasons why you love them. You don’t have to tell them all the reasons at once; it can be done one by one. However you do it, though, it’s a great way to show you care.
Not only can it be used as a loving response, but a list like this can also act as a thoughtful pick-me-up for a partner who might be experiencing lapses of self-esteem, hitting a rough patch in life, or simply having a crummy day. No matter what we are going through, hearing a list of reasons why we are loved and what makes us good people can be a salve for negative feelings.
If you would love to tell your partner everything that makes them special, but you can't seem to find the words, reading some of the following reasons to love someone may help you out.
Reason To Love #1: How They Treat Others
Maybe they aren’t going to ascend to sainthood any time soon, but your partner is likely kind in specific ways that you love. Their little acts of kindness are wonderful, and they deserve to be celebrated! If you have ever found yourself remarking to friends about how courteous or charitable your partner is, pass the compliment on to your partner. It shows them that not only do you pay attention to how they treat other people besides yourself but that you also appreciate and respect their manner of doing so.
Maybe you like how they help your mom bring in her groceries when you're visiting so that she doesn't have to do the heavy lifting, or you get the warm and fuzzies watching them help your little brother out with his homework. Telling them these things that you love about them can strengthen your relationship as well as their self-esteem. On those days when they may not be feeling so great, a reminder like this can encourage them to think better of themselves, and it can serve as a reminder that they are a genuinely good, kind person.
Reason To Love #2: How They Treat You
It’s an obvious thing to value in a partner — and it should be standard — but the gentle or courteous manner with which your partner treats you might be something that really makes you melt. It’s not always a given to find someone who is ready to treat you with care, and sadly, it can feel like a rare trait; but when you find someone who knows how to love you, it’s certainly worth celebrating.
If you think about it for a moment, you’ll probably be able to come up with a running list of things your partner has done for you over time. Maybe they’re a phenomenal listener, they respect your boundaries, they’re patient with your feelings, or they show up in other ways. These don’t have to be huge things — small gestures that have made your life more pleasant are absolutely worth noting. Maybe it’s just that they notice you’re sad and reach out to touch you without you having to ask. If they make you feel like you’re the luckiest person in the world, they deserve to feel that way, too.
Reason To Love #3: That Laugh
It doesn’t matter what their laugh sounds like to other people; when it’s coming from someone you love to share moments of joy with, even the loudest, most boisterous laughs can warm your heart and make you feel at ease.
Does your partner's laugh never fail to crack you up or make you smile, too? Especially when they get super giggly, or better yet, when they laugh so hard that no sound comes out? If your partner's laugh has picked you up on even your worst days, then this is a great thing to share with them. You can even remind them of something funny you guys went through so you can hear that laugh again right now!
An added bonus? Laughter has a great deal of health benefits, so it’s a positive thing to encourage in your loved ones.
Reason To Love #4: Their Positive Attitude
Has your partner's positive attitude saved you on some of your toughest or saddest days? Have you often wondered how your partner could stay so upbeat, but appreciate it nonetheless? Your partner being that bright ray of sunshine that the world often needs is a great reason to love someone. They’re the kind of person who enhances your life, and they can help you dispel the gloom when you’re feeling down. Their positivity can melt away your stress, and you live to hear their spin on even particularly bad news.
It’s not to say that they never feel sad or that they’re positive all of the time; but if you appreciate their authentic positivity and gratitude for life, tell them.
Reason To Love #5: Their Communication Skills
Does your partner ask you how your day was and genuinely care about the answer? When you fight, is it something that generally blows over quickly because you two are so constructive in talking it out, taking responsibility, and trying to understand each other’s side? A lack of communication is a common hurdle in romantic partnerships, so if you have open lines of communication with your partner, this is something to show your appreciation for.
Being solid communicators can not only help you and your partner live in harmony, but it is also part of what makes them so fun to talk to. Their ability to communicate — to say exactly what you’re thinking, to articulate shared dreams in ways that you might not be able to, or to put their thoughts on even trivial topics into words that make their meaning clear — is a wonderful trait. It may seem cliché (“They can finish my sentences!”), but it’s awesome when you have a partner who can be in sync with you when it comes to language. Even if it’s not quite to the extent of predicting what you’re going to say before you say it, they get you in a way that others might not, and they put in the effort to do it.
Reason To Love #6: Their Selflessness
Is your partner the very definition of that person who will lay their coat over a puddle so that your feet don't get wet? Okay, maybe no one does that outside of the movies, but there could be other selfless acts that your partner performs without a second thought. Those can speak to the content of their character.
Maybe they make you a separate dinner because what they want is different from what you want, but they don’t want you to have to cook after a long, hard day. Or they go the extra mile to accommodate something like a food allergy. Maybe they do your laundry for you so you can take that much-needed nap after spending all day watching the kids. Maybe your partner makes a special stop to pick up coffee for you on the way home, even though it's a bit out of the way — just because they know it makes you happy. Gestures like these happen all the time in our lives and can sometimes be taken for granted, but they really shouldn’t be!
Selfless acts are one of the most powerful ways a person can show another person that they love them. It is therefore appreciated when you show your appreciation for your partner's selflessness. They didn't have to do your laundry or grab your coffee when there was nothing in it for them, but they did it because they love you, and how sweet is that?
Reason To Love #7: Their Mind
Most people find that compatible beliefs or values are important to them when it comes to finding a romantic partner, and a lot of us are drawn to those who can teach us something. It’s not to say that you share every opinion, but when it comes to the stuff that truly matters, your partner is a person whom you admire for their mind. They’re intelligent, and their mind operates in such a way that it makes you think that the world is a better place because they’re in it. When you point this out to your partner, tell them the specific thought processes you respect and admire in them to make the sentiment memorable.
Reason To Love #8: Their Confidence
Research proves it: Confidence is indeed a trait that many people find attractive. Most of us aren’t confident all of the time, but many of us show confidence in different ways or in different parts of life. Maybe, your partner is confident in a hobby or in the workplace. Perhaps, they’re confident in the way that they stand up for other people in the world or live according to their values. It’s incredible to see the ones we love do what makes them shine, and it’s a great thing to highlight for your partner when you want to share some of the reasons you love them.
Reason To Love #9: How They Tell A Story
Storytelling is often seen as a charismatic skill. Your partner might have stories from their own life to tell, or they might remember sweet moments in your relationship and share them in an engaging, lively way that makes you feel special. When your partner tells a story about you, and they pay attention to the details, that can show that they love you. If they recall certain things you said or did, that is meaningful. It can make you feel supported and loved. Take comfort in the fact that your partner wants to talk about the memories you share together. Storytelling and paying attention to details is often a sign of how much your partner loves you.
Reason To Love #10: Their Unconventionality
Maybe your partner is a free spirit who sees the world in ways that other people don’t, maybe they pursue offbeat hobbies without apology, or maybe they just have a unique approach to solving sudoku puzzles. Whatever they are, your partner’s unique qualities might make them seem like the only person in the room in your eyes. If you ever find yourself telling your friends how endearing you think their quirks are, it’s definitely worth it to tell them, too.
We all have quirks, and we all have things that set us apart or help us stand out from others in some way. In romantic relationships, we tend to view those differences as part of what makes a partner special. If you love the unique traits your partner has — the skip in their step when they feel happy or excited, the way they wear their heart on their sleeve, or the way they truly seem to think for themselves — the chances are that your partner loves your unique traits, too.
What If You Don't Know Why You Love Them?
You may be at a loss when asked why you love your partner. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them, though. It can be overwhelming to try to think of why you love someone, but the answers may be simple.
Some people would prefer to write a letter expressing why they love their partner. Ask for time to reflect if you cannot answer right away. Every love story is different, and people are unique. At times, you are inexplicably drawn to someone.
You may know you love your partner based on the time you share together. There could be happy or romantic memories that allow you to bond. Plus, some people aren't good with words but show love through actions. If this applies to you, here are things you can say to your partner, some of which could be unconventional, to verbalize your love:
- I can't believe how loud I love you.
- There’s something truly special about you.
- It’s a privilege to have you in my life.
- There are so many things, big and small, that make me love you.
- I love you every second of every day.
- With my heart, I love you.
- Even when you're grumpy, I love you.
- I often find myself thinking about you and smiling ear to ear.
- I imagined I love you, and it happened!
- I want to tell the world I love you.
- You are the meaning of love to me.
- When we watch the sunrise together, I am reminded of how much I love you.
- I never question your love for me.
- I want to whisper in your ear, “I love you.”
Need Support?
One thing not everyone realizes is that it is okay to not know exactly how to express your love. On the other side of the coin, it means a lot to most people when you tell them why you love them.
You don’t have to ask a direct question. You can make a list for each other with different traits or reasons you love the other person. Affection, after all, is a vital and strengthening factor in the health of relationships — so showing it isn’t something to take for granted.
If you need support or help of any kind — in your relationship or with your personal mental health — don’t hesitate to reach out to a local mental health professional or find one to work with by signing up for a platform like ReGain, where licensed counselors and therapists can help you and your partner express yourselves to the fullest.
More Resources About Love And Relationships:
- What Is The Difference Between Love And Respect?
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/what-is-the-difference-between-love-and-respect/
- Is It Too Needy to Think, “I Want Your Love?”
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/is-it-too-needy-to-think-i-want-your-love/
- Ask These Questions To Fall In Love
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/ask-these-questions-to-fall-in-love/
- Is this Love that I'm Feeling? The Signs?
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/is-this-love-that-im-feeling-the-signs/
- What Does Real Love Look Like? Best Relationship Quotes To Answer That Question
- 13 Signs You Know How to Love Yourself
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/13-signs-you-know-how-to-love-yourself/
- Finding The One: Quotes To Keep You On The Right Track While You Search For Love
- I Love My Boyfriend, But How Do I Show Him? Learn Your Partner’s Love Language
- Is Young Love Really A Lasting Experience?
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/is-young-love-really-a-lasting-experience/
- How To Get Over Unrequited Love
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/how-to-get-over-unrequited-love/
- 10 Tips For Loving Someone With Depression
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/10-tips-for-loving-someone-with-depression/
- What To Do When You’re In Love With A Married Woman
https://www.regain.us/advice/relationship/what-to-do-when-youre-in-love-with-a-married-woman/
- How Is Infatuation Vs. Love Important For Your Future?
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/how-is-infatuation-vs-love-important-for-your-future/
- How To Choose Love For Yourself & Others
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/how-to-choose-love-for-yourself-others/
- Facts About Teen Love
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/facts-about-teen-love/
- It Is Possible To Love Again After Heartbreak? How To Find Love Again
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/it-is-possible-to-love-again-after-heartbreak-heres-how/
- How To Stay In Love: Goals To Set -- And Reach -- In Marriage
https://www.regain.us/advice/general/how-to-stay-in-love-goals-to-set-and-reach-in-marriage/
- Is Love At First Sight A Real Thing?
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/is-love-at-first-sight-a-real-thing/
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):
What do you say when your boyfriend asks why you love him?
When a partner questions their value in your eyes — out of insecurity or even curiosity — it is always best to answer honestly. The things that make us love our partners are the things that drew us to them initially, or what draws us to them still; they are what make our significant others distinctive, unique, admirable, and attractive. Think of every good attribute your partner has, and that set of qualities is likely to be your answer: they are funny, kind, charismatic, beautiful, patient, intelligent, or any combination thereof. While it can be hard to put something that is as powerful, elemental, or even unconditional as love into words, everyone deserves to know not only that they matter to their loved ones, but why they matter.
Knowing the answer to this question is not just good for making your partner feel appreciated — it also helps you. Think about why you feel the way you feel, even if you are alone and no one is asking. It can help you recognize and articulate your own feelings, and it can be an effective aid for you to keep the relationship strong. If you think about why you love your partner, you may be more likely to show it, which can be healthy for the partnership and make the person you love feel good. It can also make you less likely to start taking things for granted, which is positive.
What are the signs that a couple is not in love?
Real displays of love and affection vary from person to person, which is something to keep in mind. We don’t all show these things in the same way, and that’s okay. Some things that could indicate a lack of love or a non-reciprocal relationship include, but aren’t limited to, being with someone out of loneliness rather than affection or compatibility, rushing into things without getting to know each other, or only feeling like you know one another on a surface level.
What are the 3 main qualities of love?
Some psychologists employ a triangular theory of love that imagines three qualities of love — passion, intimacy, and commitment — as characteristics that distinguish different types of love from one another. Consummate love, which is typically what we envision in a healthy, long-term romantic relationship, consists of all three characteristics and is often a standard that couples strive towards.
What can I say instead of “I love you”?
There are tons of alternatives to “I love you,” whether you would like to tell your partner how much they mean to you without resorting to stale clichés, or you are just not sure you are ready to say the ever-intimidating “L word” just yet.
It can be as simple as an unprompted reminder that you were thinking of them: shooting them a text to tell them that something funny that happened at work reminded you of them, sending them articles you think they might want to read, sending a sweet “good morning” text, or simply letting them know in plain terms how much they mean to you. You might even reword “I love you” into something new (e.g., “You are so deeply special to me,” “I love the way you think,” or “I feel lucky to be around you”) to change it up.
People who feel love and strong affection may say things like:
- I missed you.
- I’m thinking of you.
- How are you feeling?
- How was your day?
- I like your new outfit/haircut/hairstyle
- I’m going to the store. Do you want anything?
- How is your family doing?
Thoughtful actions can be another powerful reminder that they matter to you and that they belong in your life without you even having to open your mouth. An unprompted gift, an effort to learn about something they love, or an offer to spend time with them when you know they really need it can all send the message that they’re valued.
Why do I love him so much?
Beyond hormones, primal desire, or whatever else you want to chalk it up to, the chances are that you love your partner for more than one reason or trait. You could love them for who they are, how they make you feel, because you share an understanding that is special to you, or any number of things. The time you two spend together may make you feel absolutely joyful, like you are the luckiest person in the world, and they might take the time or put in the effort to make you feel like you matter. They themselves might be a figure worthy of fixation; they’re kind, outgoing, funny, or intelligent in a way that makes them stand out from other people you have met before, and therefore they’re nestled into a special place in your heart.
While it is hard to pinpoint which comes first — whether you love them because of all of these things, or if all of these things are so great because you love them — it is clear that this complex web of explanations makes your love for them something that is quite difficult to explain in words. You love them because you do, and even you don’t really understand all of the reasons behind it. It’s because they are who they are, and you are who you are. Love somehow naturally follows. It’s part of why authenticity matters when seeking a partner, and it’s a beautiful thing.
Is jealousy a sign of love?
Jealousy is a complicated but natural feeling in a relationship. It can be harmless if it is occasional and dealt with rationally, but it would be misguided to call it a sign of love. Jealousy, much of the time, has a lot more to do with our own insecurities and preoccupations than with the quality of our love. Love is based on mutual trust and a desire to see your partner happy — and jealousy can obstruct both of these things. It’s best to talk it out if one, or both, of you feels jealous. If a partner expresses that they do feel jealous, it can be helpful to say something like, “What can I do to help you feel secure? I want you to understand that I am here, and I love you.” Therapy may also be advantageous if it’s an ongoing concern.
How do you know you love someone?
Love can look different for everyone, but you may know that you are in love when you are not only infatuated with them, but you have a deep interpersonal bond. When you are in love, you will likely want to direct all your attention towards the object of your affections and get their attention in return, but you will also want to understand them and empathize with them; you will trust them and want to see them happy. Many of the old clichés are true — they will often be the person you look for in a room full of people, or the person you think about as you go to bed or wake up every single day. They may also be someone with whom you want to share your dreams, plans, and vulnerable aspirations.
What does real love look like?
In order to answer this question, let’s look at the 4 phases of love.
- The infamous honeymoon phase, when it seems like your partner is the perfect match and they have no flaws. You feel so in love that it is almost like you need them.
- Then comes the crisis, or the first big fight. All the flaws that you did not pay attention to before now seem so glaringly obvious that you cannot focus on anything else. You may experience feelings of shame, disappointment, and disillusionment. You may begin to fixate on your partner’s flaws and wonder if you can get past this phase.
- Due to the conflict, you may enter into a power struggle, which is when you really decide on which points you want to concede, which compromises you are willing to make, and which things you do not want to change.
- Once you go through these more temporary phases, you find the awakening, which is when you and your partner understand and accept each other’s flaws. You also accept your own flaws and recognize that you and your partner are both human. Discord is, for the most part, inevitable. At this phase, you may well stop wondering if your partner is right for you. Things can start to settle and feel clearer.
How do you test a guy to see if he really loves you?
It is better not to test your partners, but to instead simply openly communicate and take them at their word. If your partner says they love you, but you feel as though they might not be telling the truth — for instance, if they refuse to prioritize you, pay little attention to your interests, or otherwise indicate that they do not take your feelings into account — it might be worth it to simply decide to end things. Sometimes, a person really does care; but they may not understand how their actions come off until you talk about it. Pay attention to their response. It is likely not worth investing additional time and energy into getting someone to prove that they value you if they are committed to ignoring you.
Why do guys ask if you love them?
We all want to feel valued and appreciated by our partners. When someone asks if you really love them, it can be a sign of insecurity, or that they’re feeling neglected, among other things. If your partner asks you this, you might consider finding new or more emphatic ways to express your affection so they don’t doubt that they matter to you. Since the reasons a person might ask vary so much, it’s hard to guess exactly why someone might ask this question, and it may be effective to have a conversation about insecurities, past wounds, and how to show up for or show love for each other.
How do you tell a man you love him?
It can be as simple as saying the words “I love you.” Of course, it’s not always as easy as it seems; but it’s better to be honest and straightforward, especially if you’ve never said the words to him before. If you simply want to show them that they matter, you might consider doing something that gets the sentiment of love across without you having to say the words. Doing something thoughtful can let someone know that you care for them.
Why do you love your boyfriend?
Love is a natural and wonderful human reaction. You may love your boyfriend due to the time you spend together, the memories you share, their traits, or the intimate experiences you have had together.
If you need a crisis hotline, here are some resources:
NAMI Helpline (National Alliance on Mental Illness) - 1-800-950-6264 or info@nami.org
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233 or nationaldeafhotline@adwas.org
For more information on mental health, please see:
NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) - nimhinfo@nih.gov
American Psychological Association - APA (Facebook)
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services - SAMHSA (Facebook)
Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Contact us at contact@regain.us or contact@betterhelp.com.
