What's The Idea Behind “If You Love Something, Set it Free?”

Updated April 13, 2021

Medically Reviewed By: Karen Devlin, LPC

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All your life, you may have heard common sayings and haven't given them any extra thought. One such phrase that is quite popular goes something like this. "If you love something, set it free." What is the origin of this quote? What is the meaning of it? In this post, we'll look at this quote and go into detail.

The Many Versions Of This Quote

With any commonly used phrase, it's going to be worded differently, or have an extra sentence that may or may not be left out. Some versions of this phrase include, "If you love someone, let them go," which has the same meaning.

The extra sentence that appears in some versions goes something like, "If it returns, it's yours. If it doesn't, it wasn't. Or, it may be written as, "If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never were." Again, same meaning, but it's always good to know the different ways to say a common saying.

The Origins

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The origins of this phrase were unclear. Plenty of songwriters have used this phrase. In 1985, musician Sting released a song called, "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free," but the phrase, as you may expect, is much older than 33 years. You can find the phrase in other writings as well.

This is because the phrase deals with a struggle that has been with humanity since the beginning: going out of your comfort zone. We are creatures of survival, and we hold on to what we find dear because it makes us feel safe. However, in order to have the best quality of life possible, we sometimes need to sacrifice that thing to be happier, and if it returns, then great. If not, then it wasn't meant to be with us.

The Meaning Behind This Phrase

You probably have some idea of what this phrase means, but there are a few ways you can interpret it when it comes to who it should apply to. As it turns out, there are many situations you can use this phrase for.

It Can Be A Metaphor For Clinginess

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When in a relationship, one problem that many people have is clinginess. We don't like it when our partner must go away or isn't talking to us all the time. We may feel like if they stop talking to us, there is a sign that something is wrong.

However, being too clingy is a turnoff for many people. No one likes to have to talk to someone 24/7 and fear of being backlashed just because they wanted to spend time alone. Plus, everyone has moments where they don't want to talk to anyone.

Always getting upset at someone for not communicating that much is a toxic behavior, whether you intended it to be or not. One of the lessons you should learn in life is that it's okay to give people some alone time. As we grow older, we do become more distant from the people around us, including our friends, and we need to learn how to accept that.

If you're clingy because you feel like you should lose them, lose the clinginess. If they still talk to you and are in a relationship with you, it's because they love you. If they disappear, then the relationship was meant to be, and prolonging it would just make things worse.

It Can Talk About Breakups

When you break up with someone you love, you may feel like you should bargain for them to return. You may try talking to them and negotiate or beg for forgiveness. If the two of you do love each other, then the fight won't be enough to end things. Odds are, the person will get back to you once some steam has cleared. However, if they didn't love you that much, they won't make any effort to try and fix things.

It's understandable why you wouldn't want a relationship to end, however. Sometimes, you may feel that the person is honestly the best person you've ever had, and you feel like if you let them go, you might not be able to find someone better. This is certainly a risk you take, but if the relationship is falling apart, perhaps you should let it go, if maybe temporarily. Some couples need breaks, and those who are destined will get back together.

It Can Be About Friends

It doesn't necessarily have to be about love. It can be about your friends, too. Say you have a friend who has been distant, and no amount of talking seems to work. In a case like this, you should give them some space. There may be a reason why they are distant, and if they're really your friend, they will return once that reason goes away.

Not to mention, friends do drift apart with time. Work, family commitments, school, and life, in general, can make people stop talking. With that said, good friends continue to have a bond even if time has pulled them apart. Always be there for your friends, and they'll return the favor. When the two of you do talk again, it will be like time hasn't passed whatsoever.

It Can Be About Family

In this situation, this is usually the parents to their child, who has entered adulthood. The parents may feel like they'll lose the child, and make all the effort they can in order for them to stay under their wing. However, being a helicopter parent is just going to make the child resent you. If the child is grown up, perhaps you should just let them go. If they love you, they will still talk to you and visit you.

It Can Be About A Job

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Being too persistent over a job can cause much-unneeded stress. It's always good to apply and follow up, but if it's been a while and still no response, it may not be worth it to be able to pursue it for much longer. Instead, stop pursing that position. If they want you, they'll return your call when they're ready. If not, they don't need you, anyway.

There must be a balance, however. Pursuing a job is good, and sets you apart from other people, who will just apply and then move on when there is no response. Find the balance, and you'll be much better for it.

It Can Be About Anything, Honestly

There are many things in life that you should let go, and if you were destined to be with them, they'd come back. You can make this metaphor for your goals, or for anything else that's hard to reach. If you're putting 110 percent into it and seeing no results, perhaps it's time to let it go.

How To Let Things Go

Of course, letting something go is easier said than done, and you may not know the best way to let someone go. Here are a few tips to help you out.

Realize that there are more people out there. For a relationship, there's always something else. Same with a friendship. For a job, there are more positions available that better fit.
Reduce the amount of communication. Don't text them as much. Don't talk to them as much. Sometimes, this can fix the situation, such as being too clingy. If they still want to talk to you, the problem may be fixed.
Cut them off entirely. No one likes to do this, but sometimes, it's the only way. Don't feel bad about not wanting to talk to someone who you don't want to talk to.
Try replacing them with something else. Of course, healthily do this. If you just got out of a bad relationship, a rebound can make both parties miserable.

Seek Help!

Letting someone go can be difficult, but it's not impossible. If you have any concerns about letting someone go, or you just want to know how to muster up the courage to do so, one thing you could do is talk to a relationship counselor.

A counselor can teach you valuable skills in other parts of your relationships as well, such as teaching you how to communicate better. Many relationships fail because of miscommunication, and a therapist can tell you what you're doing wrong and how to improve it.

Finally, a therapist can tell you what comes next after letting someone go. It's hard to let someone go and not feel at least some feelings about it. Thankfully, the therapist is there to tell you how to move on, and learn how not to let it get in your way, but also rejoice if that person returns to you.

If you're dealing with someone who doesn't like you, they don't have an obligation to like you, and you don't deserve the stress of trying to make them like you. By letting things go, you may be satisfying both parties.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Why Do Please Say Love Someone Set Them Free?

Often, this phrase is one of the ways to cope when a romantic love wants to leave the relationship. If you are not ready for the relationship to end, you can develop an anxious attachment that becomes an insecure attachment disorder. Some people try to replace a person with other things, like food, and you can end up with an eating disorder. Use caution when you start to use unhealthy measures as a coping mechanism. If you are struggling to let someone go and move on, you should find a therapist who can help you. Many tests therapy studies have conduced find that time is the best cure for getting over a relationship.

Is It True If You Love Something Let It Go?

Letting someone you love go if they want to leave, is a way provide freedom to choose to your partner, while you work on your own mental health. It is never healthy to hang onto someone who wants to leave the relationship. Anxious attachment or insecure attachment is a common occurrence when a relationship has ended. One way to cope is to find a therapist who can help you understand why the relationship ended and what you can do to begin moving on.

Will True Love Find Its Way Back?

Sometimes there are reasons that someone would want to leave the relationship, even if there is still love between the two.

While anxious attachment to an ex is common, sometimes people need to separate and make sure that they are ready for a committed relationship.

While the phrase “If you let someone let them go” does occasionally ring true, more often than not a separation will result in ending the relationship.

It is in your best interest to find a therapist to manage a separation. Just because you feel that there was true love in the relationship and the person will eventually find their way back, you should be prepared for the worse case scenario. Find a therapist to discuss how you can cope with the realization that your relationship is in fact over.

Is Love Letting Go or Holding On?

Relationship attachment styles suggest that anxious attachment keeps people hanging onto something that is over.

If you are not sure if you should let go or hold on, you should find a therapist to discuss what has happened and how to best manage the outcome.

What Does It Mean If You Love Them Let Them Go?

There is an old saying that “if you love someone let them free; if they come back to you it was meant to be.” This phrase means that you should not make or guilt someone into staying in a relationship with you. If there is love and you are truly meant to be together, you shouldn’t have to force it.

It is often helpful to find a therapist and work through your emotions.

How Do You Say Goodbye to Someone You Love Forever?

While it is hard, you need to let the person who wants to leave the relationship go. Relationships end for a reason and hanging onto something or someone who is not equally vested in the partnership is not healthy.

Anxious attachment is not a valid reason to stay in a relationship that has run its course.

Many times, you can find a therapist that will help you to manage your feelings and come to terms with saying goodbye to a loved one.

Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of Someone You Love?

When you fall in love, you give the relationship everything you have; however, if it falls apart, it can be hard to let go of the other person. It is very easy to become dependent on your partner and when they leave it can be challenging to cope. If you find a therapist who specializes in couples counseling, they can help you to find a healthy path to moving on apart.

Should I Let Her Go or Fight for Her?

If your relationship has ending because she is battling an eating disorder, it is best to let her go and find a therapist who will help her through her needs.

People with eating disorders often have anxious attachment disorders where they supplement one addiction for another.

Where did if you love something let it go come from?

In 1969, an educator named Jess Lair published a book titled "I Ain't Much Baby - But I'm All I've Got," which included the sentence "If you want something very, very badly, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours, to begin with." This is often cited as the origin of the saying, "If you love something let it go." Another common phrase about love is, "Love is patient, love is kind," which originates from Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Who said if you love something let it go?

There are many variations of the phrase, "If you love something let it go." In addition to the version published by Jess Lair, Douglas Horton is often credited for the saying "if you love something let it go," with Horton's version of the quote reading: "If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever."

Can someone leave you if they love you?

Yes, someone can leave you if they love you. Though it's a painful situation to be in, there are a number of reasons why a person might have to leave someone that they feel is their true love. Even if it's mutual love, the relationship could be unhealthy, or in situations where it's not mutual love, that could be the reason for someone leaving.

Does letting go mean giving up?

In a sense, it can, but not necessarily in a way that's indicative of bitterness. Letting go typically means relinquishing control. When it comes to the saying, "if you love something let it go" specifically, or when one relates the saying to romantic love true love marriage etc., it typically means that someone will no longer force, plead for, or attach themselves to that romantic love love true love marriage etc. Instead, they'll let things happen, even if the outcome is initially painful and takes some processing. If that true love connection does stick around, that's great, but if it doesn't, they will let it go. This is a healthy mindset to have as there are times when a relationship either isn't meant to be, or when the other person will need space. You can't control the actions of another person, and it won't help to try. In fact, that is likely to push them away further. What you can do is respect their needs and meet yourself with care and compassion as you work to adjust to the situation.

Why is it so hard to let go of someone you love?

There are many reasons why it is so hard to let go of someone you love. If you feel that someone is your true love, you likely have strong feelings for them and see the connection as one that's special, unique, and potentially irreplaceable. That doesn't mean that you can't experience true love again, and possibly, you may experience true love that's far happier or healthier in the future. Instead, it means that you see the connection as special and are currently experiencing fear that you may not find it again. This isn't the only reason it can be hard to let go of a person or relationship. When you love someone, you often share many memories with them, which can also make it hard to let go. You may also be connected to them legally through marriage, but even if this is the case, it's possible to be completely independent of the person. Seeing a counselor or therapist can be incredibly beneficial if you're finding it difficult to let go. Feelings of difficulty are extremely normal and common, but healing is possible.

How do I stop loving someone?

As hard as it may be, it is possible to heal from a relationship where you loved someone deeply, even if that someone was a person you considered to be your true love. The most important first step for a lot of people is to get the person out of your peripheral. Block them on social media and do not continue speaking with them. It's tempting to try to jump into a friendship, but some people need space. With time and space away from them, focus on yourself and think about what you want in your own life, including outside of relationships. Some people find it helpful to think about what they want in future relationships or what their non-negotiables will be moving forward in love love true love or otherwise serious connections.

What to do when you love someone but can't be with them?

Even for those with a deep understanding of the sentence, "if you love something let it go," letting go isn't always easy, especially if you feel that they are your true love. There are a couple of important things to do if you feel that someone is your true love and you're struggling to let go. The first thing is to distance yourself from the person. Block or mute their social media profiles, and do not reach out to the person, no matter how tempting it is. Take some time to give yourself space, and make sure that you are using self-care. Nurture your social relationships, such as those with friends and family, and nurture other areas of your life as well, such as your passions, hobbies, and overall happiness and wellbeing. Consider seeing a therapist or counselor that you can talk to as well. This is advantageous for a lot of people overcoming a situation where you love someone but can't be with them.

How To Love Somebody In A Healthy Way

Quest For Love: Why Can't I Find Love?

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