How To Get Over Unrequited Love
Medically Reviewed By Karen Devlin, LPCSimply put, unrequited love sucks. Whether it's for someone you used to be romantically involved with or someone you loved from afar, there's nothing like pining for someone who is not in love with you and never will be. What's worse is when you must see the love of your life happier with someone else. But all hope is not lost. It is possible to overcome unrequited love and move on to the happiness you deserve.
Definition
The official definition for love that's unrequited is "one-sided love that is not returned by the object of one's affection." The love may not be returned because the person does not feel the same way or doesn't even know that they have feelings for them.
Coping with Love That's Unrequited
Unrequited or unreturned love is miserable, it's painful, and you want it to stop. At the same time, though, you don't ever want to stop loving the person you care so deeply for. How can you cope when you have such a deep-seated love for someone who doesn't feel the same way?
For one thing, it helps to know that you're not alone. Almost everyone experiences unreturned love at some point in their lives. Something important to pay attention to is whether you tend to always fall in love with those who you know will never love you back. This becomes a pattern for some people because they feel like they will never be good enough to be loved, and so they fall in love with people who will never, or can never, love them back.
This is one reason why some women find themselves falling in love with gay men, men who would never see them as a romantic possibility. These women feel comfortable falling in love with men who could never love them back because there is zero possibility of that person rejecting them. Of course, if they came forward with their love, then their advances would be rejected, which is why they fool themselves into believing they are perfectly happy loving someone from afar when they could instead be actively pursuing a true romance that would leave them infinitely more fulfilled.
Another way unreturned love can sting is after a break-up. Most of the time, when a couple breaks up, one person wanted the break-up, and the other person did not. This means that the person who did not want the breakup may remain in a state of unrequited love for a lengthy period of time until they can move forward on their own or find someone new. This does not mean they are ready for a rebound; it means that they have recovered well enough from their last relationship to move forward with someone else.
Quotes about Unreturned Love
Sometimes, we're in pain, and we can't even think of the words to express ourselves with. Perhaps, when we're still in the throes of love that's unrequited, we feel a bit pathetic. We might feel like no one else has ever gone through this before because no one would keep yearning for someone they can never be with. But, of course, this isn't true at all. Plenty of people have suffered from being in unreturned love at one time or another. This is why it can help read other people's opinions on the topic when we're feeling especially alone or despondent.
"The knowledge that she would never be loved in return acted upon her ideas as a tide acts upon cliffs." - Thornton Wilder
"The sun's gone dim, and the moon's turned black; for I loved him, and he didn't love back." - Dorothy Parker
"Love may have the longest arms, but it can still fall short of an embrace." - Megan McCafferty
"Too many of us are hung up on what we don't have, can't have, or won't ever have. We spend too much energy being down when we could use that same energy - if not less of it - doing, or at least trying to do, some of the things we really want to do." - Terry McMillan
Moving On
The best way to move on from love that's unrequited is to allow time to pass and also to give up on the search for closure. When someone is left hanging and is still feeling strong feelings for the other person, which often happens after a break-up, the left person does not always get the satisfaction that closure can bring.
In this case, they often look for proof of closure. For instance, they may check their ex's Facebook page religiously to see if he has moved on with someone new. However, every day that he doesn't post a picture of himself with a new girlfriend, they hold onto the hope that maybe he's come to his senses and will soon come back to their former lover.
The trouble is that this is only how it happens in the movies. In real life, he may lack the interest to update social media with his love life details. Perhaps he has found someone new and has moved on, but he hasn't shared the news. In this case, you must find your own closure. Accept that the relationship was not meant to be. After some time has passed, and you have recovered from the hurt, give yourself permission to get back out there and fall in love again.
How to Find Closure
Even though you may not receive direct closure from your unrequited love, you can still find a piece of it on your own. You may want to write your unrequited lover a letter (even if you never actually send it). Just the process of writing down your thoughts and feelings can bring you closer to moving on.
You can also talk with friends and work to begin a healthy, new hobby, such as a new fitness routine or even an art class. Getting in touch with who you are can remind you that you're strong enough to move forward on your own. Even just reading quotes and poems similar to those shared above can be of great help. However, one of the strongest tools available to you while working on moving on from unrequited love is therapy.
Seeking Help
A counselor can be an unbiased listening ear and someone who asks the right questions to understand your current situation better. This understanding can lead to a deeper form of closure and the ability to get over your unreturned love.
However, not everyone has reputable counselors nearby, and not everyone has the time to drive to an appointment during regular office hours. This is where online counseling services like ReGain offer solutions. ReGain has trained mental health professionals who are available to talk to you from the comfort and privacy of your own home.
If you are struggling with love that's unrequited, consider reaching out to one of our licensed counselors for help and advice. A professional mental health counselor can help you move forward with your life so that you can grow yourself and eventually fall in love with someone who loves you back. They can provide an outlet for you to discuss your feelings if you feel unable to share them elsewhere. They can validate what you are going through while still pointing you in the direction of moving on. Below are some reviews of ReGain counselors from people experiencing similar issues.
Counselor Reviews
"I was really nervous starting because I didn't know what to expect. After a few minutes of talking to her, I felt at ease. So far, she has been understanding and made me feel like my situation isn't completely hopeless. Every time I talk with her, I have felt relief, and my thoughts feel less jumbled than before."
"I don't know what I would have done without Harry. I was in a super low place, and I was not sure what my problems were or how to solve them, but he was able to help me get to the bottom of my problems and work through them. Today I am happy and feeling like myself again. He was so easy to talk to and worked with me whenever I needed him. Even on vacation, he took time to call me and talk through whatever I was going through. I would highly recommend him."
Conclusion
Facing love that's unrequited is difficult, but remember that you deserve to be loved back. You are not alone, and you can receive closure and move toward truly fulfilling relationships. All you need are the right tools - take the first step today.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I get over the pain of unrequited love?
Love is an emotion that has a powerful effect on us. It is one thing that we do not completely understand, nor can we effectively express it, yet we immediately recognize it when we experience it. Being head over heels in love is beautiful and romantic love can be a thrilling experience. The problem with romantic love is that the object of your love might not feel the same way you do. This is what is referred to as unreciprocated love.
Unreciprocated love can be an awful and unpleasant experience. It hurts to experience unrequited love because your ideal love relationships cannot become a reality. It can also affect a person’s self-esteem because rejection can make us feel like we aren’t good enough for the person we want to be with.
You can take a few steps that will help you get over the pain of unreciprocated love. These steps are part of a practice known as love regulation. Studies show that love regulation is effective for the management of intense emotions. These steps are:
Allow Yourself to Feel Sad:
Feeling sad about unreciprocated love is normal. When you’re in love, you experience powerful emotions that can be overwhelming. When you experience unrequited love, you are forced to accept that your ideal relationship won’t be possible; this can be quite tough. It will take you time to fully accept and process the sense of loss you’re experiencing. By allowing yourself to be sad, you’ll deal with the emotions immediately, which is better than bottling them up. This is the healing process that will enable you to move on after you experience unrequited love.
Keep yourself occupied:
This does not mean you should distract yourself. By keeping yourself busy, you will prevent any unpleasant emotions from exacerbating. It will also help you get over them quickly. One of the best ways to address the past is to stay in the present. By moving on, you will get to a place where you can address the past without being brought down by unpleasant emotions. So work, have fun, listen to music and keep moving forward.
Get Back Into The Dating Scene: Once you feel you are ready to get back into the dating scene, you should feel free to do so. This will help you move on from unrequited love and will open up opportunities for you to meet new people.
How do you stop thinking about someone?
Falling in love is an overwhelming experience. You constantly feel affection towards a specific person. This can make you uncomfortable and nervous when you’re around them but lonely and sullen when you’re not.
Being head over heels in love with someone means your attention is almost always on them. It can be annoying to be unable to stop thinking about someone. So what are some tips that can help you stop thinking about someone?
Stay Occupied:
You can do this by focusing on a task or hobby or picking up a new interest and dedicating yourself to it. This allows you to focus on the things you have control over and increase your productivity while keeping you from being distracted by thoughts about that person.
Assess Your Thoughts:
This means you should take a meditative step back and study your thoughts. This allows you to notice patterns that will enable you to understand your emotions. When you understand the reality of your feelings for that person, you will be able to make pragmatic choices, and you won’t be overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions.
Write Down Your Thoughts:
Writing is a more effective form of thinking. It allows you to layout your thoughts and emotions in an observable and decipherable manner while giving you clarity and allowing you to consider things from a new perspective. Writing down your thoughts and feelings will help you understand them and loosen the weight of burdening thoughts. Research indicates that emotional expression can help you get over negative and repressed feelings quicker. Writing is a form of emotional expression.
Keep A Healthy Distance:
This is important. Keeping a healthy distance from your love interest allows you to exercise self-control and lowers the risk of making rash decisions. It also gives you the space to heal and understand your feelings and decide the right thing to do. Increasing your capacity to love yourself will help you love others more healthily.
How long can unrequited love last?
Love is a complex emotion that can be overwhelming and intense. When true love becomes heartbreak, it can be difficult to get over it and move on. The emotions that follow unreciprocated love are not emotions you have control over. These emotions can stay for long periods, and while experiencing them, they might seem inescapable.
However, we can make this experience shorter and more bearable. We can do this by:
- Keeping a healthy distance from the person, you have feelings for
- Focusing on a task or a hobby you enjoy
- Practicing self-love and self-development
- Assessing and understanding your feelings and love situation
- Allowing yourself to have feelings for other people
Can you ever stop loving someone if you truly loved them?
The idea that love can end is a frightening one. There are few things we have control of in life, and love is not one of them. Humans have a huge capacity to love. But, as powerful and intense as love can be, it can also leave and even be replaced by negative feelings. This does not mean you were not in true love. It simply means you were once in love and no longer are. You can stop loving someone you truly loved the same way you can love someone you once hated. The idea that love cannot change is untrue. Emotions change sporadically, and sometimes we have no control over them. However, there are ways to fuel and sustain love, both your love for someone and their love for you. But even then, nothing is guaranteed in a love situation.
What’s the quickest way to get over someone?
The quickest way to get over someone would be to confront your emotions and embrace their reality. Sometimes, we cannot let go of problematic emotions because we are yet to solve them. If you take the time to assess and understand your emotion, your perspective on the situation will become less emotionally fueled and based on reality. Understanding the reality of lost love makes it easier to accept it and move on. But if you attempt to run from your emotions, you might find yourself trudging in them for a long time.
