Love can be a great thing, but many use it to manipulate and abuse others. We’ve all heard stories about abusive partners luring and keeping people using certain techniques or manipulation tactics. Today, we’ll be looking at the phenomenon known as love bombing, where certain people will shower you with gifts, only to have an ulterior motive.
Definition
Love bombing is a manipulation technique where the person uses excessive adoration to influence the person they’re targeting. While it may seem sweet, there is an ulterior motive behind the love bombs.
Examples include:
Why is this a bad thing? Because this is a technique used by narcissists and abusers to manipulate you.
Someone who loves bombing may be doing it for a few reasons:
History of the Phrase
The phrase was believed to be coined by the Unification Church of the United States, and there, the phrase was created to mean expressing concern, interest, friendship, or just a fellowship with other members. However, even this definition was criticized, with some people saying that the phrase was meant to unify church members while claiming everyone outside was hostile.
In 1996, Margaret Singer, psychology professor, wrote more about this phenomenon, saying people were love bombing to recruit to join other cults. According to her, it was feigned and not really a sign of love, but instead, a manipulation tactic to lure and keep people in the cult.
The phrase then went outside of a cult and described the actions of gang members and pimps that are used to control others. Finally, it moved on to the definition we’re looking at today, which is where narcissists use romance bombing as a way to get into and maintain an abusive relationship.
Love Bombing Vs. True Love
You may wonder how you’re supposed to tell the difference between someone romance bombing you and someone who is genuinely trying to express their love. While it may be difficult for some, there are ways to figure this out, including:
The Excessiveness
The best way to tell the difference between a love bomb and someone trying to express genuine affection for you is to look at how excessive their gifts or gestures are. Someone who buys you the occasional gift probably isn’t romance bombing you. Someone who makes a cute song for you probably isn’t manipulating you. A person who buys you a gift every day, texts nonstop, or makes a daily habit of unending praise, however, may be raising red flags to pay attention to.
It Seems Too Good to Be True
If the gifts and gestures seem too good to be true, as if the person is straight out of a fairy tale, then there is a good chance that it is. Oftentimes, the love bombs are there to compensate or mask the person’s true intentions.
There’s a Feeling of Being Rushed
A healthy relationship won’t make you feel like you’re being rushed into the relationship. Meanwhile, someone who is loving bombing will make you feel like you need to be in the relationship right now or get serious if the two of you are dating. In any relationship, you should never feel like you’re being rushed.
It All Goes Away Soon
Once you’re together with the person, have moved in with them, and become dependent, then their true colors shine. They may become openly controlling, offer less praise, or even begin verbally abusing you.
The Love Bombs Resume When You’re Upset
There is nothing wrong with gifts or with praise in a relationship. Still, love bombing usually only gives gifts during the beginning of a relationship to rush you into a closer relationship or commitment. Once you’re committed, the gestures will stop and only resume once you begin to see their true nature and want to leave or are upset with them.
How to Deal with a Love Bomber
If you feel like someone is romance bombing you, here are a few ways to deal with them.
Seek Help!
If you’ve experienced the red flags described in this article, it may be hard to trust people again, and you may mistake genuine gift-giving as a manipulation tactic. Finding the balance between fear and healthy skepticism is difficult, and getting back into a relationship after an abusive one is even harder.
Thankfully, there are ways you can recover from the relationship, and one way is to seek therapy. A relationship counselor can help you in a few ways about love bombing, including:
If you feel like you need help with your relationship life, talking with a therapist can help. If you’re in a relationship and having difficulties, therapy can help you sort things out and process options.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Love bombing someone is showering someone with intense affection and adoration. It may feel like a fairy tale, as though you’ve found true love and your soul mate. This is usually a technique used to manipulate someone and gain control. Love bombing is often a means of overcompensating for something. The beginning stages of any relationship can be exciting and passionate, but there is a difference in love bombing. Love bombing differs from true love. The person who loves bombing may make over-the-top gestures such as lavish gifts or vacations very soon in the relationship. This person will constantly compliment you and want all your attention. They may express their undying love for you quickly. These signs of love bombing and extreme adoration happen early on and can be incredibly intense and overwhelming. If you try to voice your concerns about moving too quickly, the love bomber often doesn’t respect your wishes and becomes upset or angry quickly. If it seems too good to be true and incredibly rushed, it just maybe.
Love bombing can be a huge red flag as it is often a manipulation technique used by narcissists. In the beginning, you may feel as though you’ve found the one as they put you on a pedestal by their love bombing. Signs of love bombing include excessive attention and affection, but love bombing is a technique used to control. When you finally feel you’re falling in love with this person, the love-bombing starts, and often abuse and manipulation begins. Love bombing can also be used by those who feel lonely and want a relationship to develop quickly. Although their intentions may not be as bad, it still doesn’t make for a healthy, authentic relationship.
In the beginning, everything seems perfect as you’re receiving constant love and affection. The love bomber idealizes you. It may feel as though you’re falling in love and have found your soul mate. But love bombing does not last and is a tool used to manipulate and control. Once you’ve invested in the relationship, the love bomber will stop the attention. Often the love bomber will devalue you slowly and then eventually discard you. Love bombing often leads to abusive relationships. Often these become very toxic relationships that go through love bombing cycles. Gaslighting is another technique that love bombers typically use, where the victim will question their version of reality. They will make you believe it is true love. If you’re worried you’re involved in an unhealthy relationship, seek professional help from a relationship therapist.
Narcissists love bombs because they often lack healthy self-esteem. They need constant reassurance and admiration. Narcissists will use love bombing as a way to feel better about themselves. They use love bombing as a way to get you to fall in love with them quickly. With boosts, their ego, and they gain attention. This fulfills their needs for admiration and control. Once the love bomber feels they’ve gained your undying love, the love-bombing ends, and now they have full control to manipulate you. Building a genuine relationship and trust takes time. Love bombing differs from true love. An authentic, loving relationship takes time to get there. If you are in a relationship and feel things are moving too quickly or are overwhelmed by over-the-top gestures, you may be experiencing love bombing. If you’re worried, you’re falling in love with a love bomber, reach out to trusted friends or family. A trusted professional can also help you gain insight and guide you.
If you reject the love bombing, the love bomber may not respect your wishes. They may try to gaslight you, so you question your own reality. They may try to convince you that it is true love and it is sincere. It’s important to create healthy boundaries in any relationship. If it feels too good to be true and feels as though you’re love bombed, it may be healthy to end things. When you feel you’re falling in love, it may be hard to see someone’s true motives. If you feel you’re love-bombed and you’re worried, ask the advice of friends and family. It may be good to get another perspective of the love bomber’s intentions. If you’re experiencing any abuse in a relationship, it’s important to seek help from a trusted professional.