Red Flags: How To Tell If Your Partner Is Cheating
Medically Reviewed By Richard Jackson, LICSW
How to Tell if Someone is Cheating
There are many challenges in a relationship, but one that changes the entire dynamic is infidelity. When one partner is unfaithful, it is difficult to describe the pain and betrayal that come along with the loss of trust. All too often, cheaters are discovered completely by accident. However, there are a few red flags that point toward infidelity in a relationship. See if your partner is guilty of any of the following:
Sign of Cheating #1: They Suddenly Need Secrecy
Someone who is cheating makes it a priority to cover up their tracks. Going to great lengths to get privacy, especially when your partner was previously much more open about things, is a major red flag. If your significant other is suddenly hiding their phone screen from your view, locking doors to the rooms they are in, or clicking out of emails or internet pages when you enter their space, they might be guilty of an affair.
Your partner may find a new interest in security, too, either to keep their items on lockdown or to keep an eye on how near or far you are. They may install passwords on their cell phone, computer, or other devices without telling you or become intensely preoccupied with your schedule. In extreme cases, they might suggest signing up for a home monitoring system or phone tracking app. Their goal with this type of behavior is usually just to make sure you don't catch them in the act of cheating.
Sign of Cheating #2: They Change
Cheating is stressful, and that stress often manifests itself through sudden personality changes. If your significant other is not acting like themselves, it might be time to start asking questions. It is pretty common for a partner who is cheating to suddenly become more angry, negative, critical, or even unusually cheerful.
Changes do not happen just on the inside, though. Your partner may also change how they look, how they dress, or even how they talk. Their interests and hobbies might suddenly shift too. While it's normal for someone's preferences to change over time, any rapid or extreme transformation could mean they are trying to connect with someone else's interests.
Sign of Cheating #3: Acting Weird and Nothing They Do Makes Sense
If something about your partner's schedule no longer adds up, they might be guilty of cheating. Did it used to take them half an hour to get home, but now it's almost an hour? Are they starting to claim they have to stay late every night without there being any difference in their professional life? These are signs they might be stopping elsewhere before they return home. Other clues like having to put gas more often than usual, or extra miles adding up on their car could also indicate they are taking trips behind your back.
Sign of Cheating #4: Do Their Finances Seem Off?
If you share a bank account and notice unexplainable transactions, it might be time to investigate why. Keep an eye out for transactions at restaurants, hotels, flower shops, or jewelry stores. Purchases made in these places while you are not around should encourage you to look deeper into the situation.
While infidelity will be hard to prove if you keep your finances separate, watch for small clues like a change in spending habits or extra secrecy surrounding their funds. If your once frugal partner is suddenly driving around in an expensive car or wearing pricey jewelry, but their financial picture has not changed, look into things. They might be spending their money lavishly to show-off for someone else, or they might be receiving these things as gifts from that person.
Sign of Cheating #5: They Are Always Gone
Does it seem like your significant other suddenly always has someplace else to be? Are they making short or frequent trips to the "grocery store" or "appointments" but return with nothing to show? A partner who is guilty of cheating will often try to find spare time in their day to spend with their lover.
Someone who is particularly confident in their ability to keep their affair secret may stay away from home for long periods of time. If your partner's job suddenly seems to take them away on the weekends or overnight trips, you may want to start assessing the situation.
Sign of Cheating #6: They Are All Dressed Up
When someone cheats, they tend to go into dating mode. Think of how most people act when they are trying to attract a partner. You know, new clothes, new haircuts, new cologne, etc. If your partner takes a new interest in their appearance for no reason, they may be trying to catch the eye of someone else.
It is a major red flag when the changes in grooming happen in areas most people do not see. If they are suddenly preoccupied with how their body looks, or how well-kept their body hair is, they might be trying to impress someone who is looking underneath their clothes.
Sign of Cheating #7: They Become Glued To Their Phone
As advanced as our modern technology is, the privacy it offers creates a breeding ground for infidelity. With the ability to erase text messages, edit contact information, and assign special ringtones to certain people, your partner can easily hide an ongoing affair.
Features like text messaging, Facetime, and email mean your partner can have constant access to someone else without your knowledge. The conversation never has to stop unless they put the phone down. If it seems like your partner always needs to be on their phone or any other technology device, you might want to ask them about where they are directing their attention.
Sign of Cheating #7: They Ward Off Intimacy and Sex
A partner who is getting all their intimate needs met elsewhere usually lacks the willingness to have them met where they're supposed to. If your partner no longer expresses an interest in physical touches like hand-holding, kissing, or even sex, you are dealing with one of the major signs your partner is cheating.
Often, the lack of intimacy goes beyond the bedroom too. If it is challenging to have a long, meaningful conversation with your partner or if they do not even want to be around you, it might be time to find out if they are meeting their needs for affection elsewhere.
Sign of Cheating #7: Their Morals and Behaviors Change
If your partner has a sudden change of heart about a moral issue, you should ask questions. For example, if they used to believe that sex before marriage was wrong, or that having kids out-of-wedlock was taboo, but suddenly they are becoming much more accepting of different ideas, try to find out why.
If their moral views, surrounding relationships, marriage, sex, and loyalty change significantly, they might be trying to justify or excuse their behavior. This is especially important for partners who used to attend church or religious events frequently, but no longer show interest. They may be avoiding these settings out of guilt or shame.
Sign of Cheating #8: They Treat You Different
A partner who is cheating is naturally drawn to the positive aspects of their new lover. This might make you seem like second-best in their eyes. If your partner is suddenly critical about your looks, your behavior, or the things you do for them, you might want to start questioning whether they are comparing you to someone else.
Likewise, an unfaithful partner may try to take the heat off their guilt by turning the accusations back on you. If your partner has accused you of cheating, not being emotionally or physically available, or changing too much, they might be trying to project their guilt onto you. Sometimes a partner will cheat if they believe their significant other is cheating first so that both parties are in the wrong. Regardless, try to stay far from mind games and watch their behavior closely.
Sign of Cheating #9: You Have An STD From Sex
If you are showing signs or are diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease, it is time to confront your partner. At this point, their behavior is putting you at risk. STDs can happen during infidelity for a variety of reasons, including a partner wanting to cover their tracks by refusing to buy protection. If your partner is selfish enough to jeopardize your health for their affair, it is time to take a stand.
If Your Partner Is Cheating…
Some relationships survive infidelity, and others do not. Only you can decide what is right for you and your situation. Regardless of which option you decide to pursue, seeking help from a licensed counselor can be incredibly beneficial. They will be able to help you repair the damage to your relationship if you decide to stay together or walk you through the challenges that come with separation or divorce.
In the case of the latter, speaking with a licensed therapist can help you get through the breakup in the healthiest way possible. If you find out that your partner has actually cheated, and you want to stay together, pursuing couples therapy has been shown to increase marital satisfaction and strengthen the relationship after infidelity.
When to Get Help
Trying to determine whether or not your partner is cheating is stressful enough as it is, and the last thing you should be dealing with is organizing another appointment to drive to. This is where online counseling services like ReGain offer solutions. With the guidance of one of our licensed therapists, online counseling cuts out the need for long drives and inconvenient appointment times. Instead, you have the freedom to reach out to your counselor whenever and wherever you want to. Below are some reviews of ReGain counselors for you to review, from people experiencing similar issues.
Counselor Reviews
"Jeff has been valuable to our relationship recovery from infidelity and rebuilding a new relationship. His experience and confidence in our recovery were important."
"I would highly recommend Yetunde. I felt a strong connection with her and appreciate her knowledge, expertise and manner in which she worked with my former partner and I. She handled the challenging dynamics of our relationship, and through our work I was able to leave a relationship that was hurting and hindering me. I came to that conclusion not through any direct encouragement, but through doing the work."
How to Tell if Your Partner Is Cheating Conclusion
If you suspect your partner might be cheating, it can leave you with a pit of despair in your stomach that doesn't ever seem to go away. However, our licensed counselors have your back, no matter how lonely and betrayed you might be feeling. With our guidance, you can work through your feelings of confusion and figure out exactly how to move forward, in the way that makes you the happiest and safest possible. Take the first step.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) On Cheating
How to tell if someone or your partner has cheated or is currently cheating?
There are always subtle signs when your partner is cheating. One of the signs of a cheating partner is when they become increasingly evasive and emotionally distant. If your chatty partner suddenly becomes quiet or nervous around you, it may be as a result of them being burdened by feelings of guilt. Sometimes, they may even get angry with you for no serious reason or become overly critical of your actions. If you notice your partner has developed a negative or hostile attitude towards you, then a reasonable explanation may be cheating, although in some instances, other factors could be responsible for this change.
What are the first signs of cheating?
One of the most common signs of infidelity is that your partner no longer gives you as much attention as they used to do. Intimacy becomes forced and awkward, and act indifferent to being affectionate. Some of the other signs that your partner may be cheating includes:
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When your partner starts becoming more conscious of their looks and physical appearance and paying more attention or money to beauty. This could be a sign that they are trying to impress someone else and may be cheating
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When your partner changes their attitude towards technology like their computer or phone, either by changing passwords on their computer or stepping out when receiving phone calls
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When your partner starts hanging out with people late or developing habits or behaviors at odds with their personality or beliefs
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When your partner no longer enjoys going or hanging out with you, and would rather spend time with their friends or away from you
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Your partner discovers a new hobby or activity that they don't want to talk about, but that they spend a lot of time and attention to
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Your partner avoids intimacy and sex with you
What do you do if you think your husband or partner is cheating?
There is never a time when the cheater is right. If you think your partner is cheating, it's important that you try to seek clarity without holding yourself responsible for their infidelity. However, since most people would deny cheating, it's not enough to take their word for it. If you still have access to their phone and laptop, you could try to find out who they have been calling or chatting with. Of course, your partner may have deleted their call history and messages, but while this isn't a definite sign of cheating, it gives your suspicions many weight and may suggest that there is something (or someone) that your partner is trying to hide from you.
Should I forgive a cheater for cheating?
People cheat for different reasons, and while there is no justification for cheating in a relationship, the decision to end the relationship should be based on what you really want. However, keep in my mind that even if you are willing to forgive and accept them back, things won't always be the same between the two of you. It's even possible for you to forgive them and not want them back. You must deal with the question of if you could ever trust them again, because love without a sense of assurance can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration. Below are some of the other questions you should ask yourself before making your decision.
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Is it the first time your partner is unfaithful or has had infidelity?
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Was the infidelity a one-off incident, or did the cheating go on for a lengthy period of time?
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Has your partner accepted responsibility for cheating and apologized for the infidelity?
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Have they shown a sincere sense of remorse and regret about cheating and being unfaithful and the infidelity?
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Has your partner discontinued their relationship with the person they were cheating on you with?
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How close are you and your partner to the person they were cheating on you with?
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Does it matter the number of people who are aware that your partner had an affair, participated in cheating, and had infidelity?
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Does your partner understand how much they have hurt you from the cheating and infidelity?
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Is your partner open to counseling or any form of professional assistance in resolving some of the issues that led to the infidelity in your relationship?
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Is your relationship and love worth saving?
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Are you always going to think about the infidelity and would it affect how you relate with your partner?
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Is your partner able to move on from the infidelity and become a better person?
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Can you trust your partner to remain faithful henceforth after the infidelity?
Your answers to these questions should help you arrive at the best course of action to take after your partner has come clean about cheating and infidelity.
How can you tell if someone is guilty of cheating?
If you find yourself Googling the following:
How to tell if someone is cheating
Find out if someone is cheating
You may be onto something. In the aftermath of infidelity, feelings of shame and regret could spring up, and this could play out in different ways. Sometimes, your partner's attitude may seem at odds with each other. Just as how your partner may choose to keep to themselves more because they can't bear their own betrayal, a cheating partner could also become overly attentive in a bid to ease their guilt. However, feelings of guilt may not always translate to remorse, and your partner may even feel emboldened to be more carefree about their affair. One way this manifests is when they feel comfortable chatting with the other person when they around you. With the rise of social media and online dating services, your partner may even be cheating online with someone they aren't planning to have a long-term relationship with.
How can you tell if your spouse or husband is lying?
The moment your partner starts expressing reservations about you having access to their devices, it may be a sign they are trying to hide something. If your partner becomes wary of leaving their devices around you or gloss over certain details about their day and who they were with, this may be because there is someone new in their life that they don't want you to know about. Dishonesty is often a sign of cheating, and when your partner's action doesn't match the things they say, then there's a chance they aren't telling you all you need to know. You could also try speaking with some of your partner's closest friends to see if they corroborate your partner's version of events. If you find out that your partner has been inconsistent about a variety of things, then this could mean they have been lying about their commitment to the relationship.
How do you get someone to tell the truth about cheating?
If you suspect your spouse is cheating, it may be best to be sure of the fact before acting out. The first thing you should do is try talking to your partner about your suspicions while seeking assurances about your commitment to your relationship. A cheating partner may become defensive when you bring up matters relating to infidelity. If their responses to your questions about infidelity are unsatisfactory or suggest a shift in their stance against affairs, then it may be the closest you will get to them admitting they have been cheating. Unless you have some evidence or proof that your partner has been unfaithful, it may be difficult getting them to admit they have been cheating on you, but if you create the impression that you know for sure that they are cheating, they may end up telling the truth.
How do you tell someone you know they are cheating?
It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that your partner could be unfaithful. These issues could be plaguing you for a long time. You’re afraid to confront them. But the warning bells go off in your mind, and you sense your partner is suddenly cheating. It could be that their body language toward you is different than normal. They’re suddenly standoffish when they’re typically affectionate. These signs could be going on for a long time, or maybe they’re new. It’s important to follow your gut and talk to your partner if you feel like something’s off. They could have a good explanation for what’s going on. Sometimes the habits change in a relationship. It’s possible you don’t recognize the subtle shift at first, but there’s a good chance you will notice the change in your partner if you pay close attention to their behavior. It’s important to take time to talk to your partner about what’s going on in your relationship. If they’re open to having a discussion, that’s a good sign, and they want to continue the emotional intimacy you have with one another. It’s important to note their reaction when you ask to have a conversation. If your partner acts defensively, it’s likely that something is up. Maybe they’re meeting new people online, or you hear them having phone conversations with voices you don’t recognize. These could be signs that they’re cheating. Some people show signs of cheating by changing how they look to attract other prospects. They may pay attention to their appearance before going out. That could be a red flag and a point of discussion. If they’re paying attention to their appearance more than usual, that could be a sign that they’re cheating. The day life of a relationship can get mundane, and maybe their actions start changing. Maybe they’re starting to pay attention to their appearance more than usual because they want to reignite the spark between you, and it isn’t because they’re cheating. It’s healthy for a relationship to go through different phases, but if you start noticing a sign of infidelity, it’s best to nip it in the bud. Talk to your partner about their behavior, and don’t make assumptions. If there are children involved, that could mean sitting down with a family therapist to mediate the problems you’re having. Don’t be afraid to have an impartial party help you work through these issues. You can focus on the emotional connection between the two of you and strengthen your bond in therapy. It could take a long time to get to the crux of the issues. But it’s worth it. Maybe the relationship isn’t what it used to be. Don’t let these issues fester and go on for a long time. Start having a dialogue with your partner and get to the bottom of what’s happening between the two of you.
How do you tell if she has cheated or is cheating?
There are signs that a person has cheated. She may appear guilty. Maybe she’s overly apologetic for the mundane day to day life things that don’t need an apology. Guilt ridden people tend to over-apologize. It could be something like leaving a dish on the counter and apologizing profusely for it. If your partner is being secretive, and won’t let you see their phone, that may be a good sign that they’re cheating. Being open with your life is part of a healthy relationship. If you catch your partner in a lie about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with, that’s a good sign that they may be cheating. Physical affairs are an act of betrayal, but emotional cheating can be more devastating than sexual infidelity. Some people consider themselves to be monogamous or relationship people. It’s important to be honest with yourself if you’re inherently someone who prefers to be in a long-term relationship. Your partner could be cheating because she is trying to force herself into a role where she is monogamous, but that’s not her nature. She’s not comfortable being in a long-term relationship and wants to explore her options. If you’re feeling insecure about your relationship, you might seek out a relationship counselor or coach, such as Double Trust Dating. The company is composed of identical twins who have been helping people find love.
Is texting someone else cheating?
Texting is a normal part of most people’s lives. We’re surrounded by technology. If someone spends a lot of time in their day life texting someone else, that might be a sign of infidelity. If one of the main aspects of their day is dedicated to engaging in a dialogue with someone other than their partner, that could be a sign of infidelity. It implies the intimacy isn’t there anymore in the relationship.
Is it true once a cheater always?
You can’t definitively say that someone will always be a cheater. People who are cheating tend to engage in the pattern over and over again. However, they may find a relationship where they don’t stray. Some people argue cheating behavior has more to do with unresolved internal issues. The person needs to take time to sit with their feelings and figure out what’s going on with them internally, in therapy, and work through these problems. It’s possible with the help of a couple’s therapist if the two people in the relationship take time to sit with each other, and their feelings, the relationship could be saved.
Why do people end up cheating in a relationship?
People cheat for different reasons. It could be that the relationship gets boring, and there’s something lacking in it. The person could have low self-esteem, and noticing they want more attention from another person. Maybe they find that the aspects of their day are filled with fantasizing about being with someone else. The idea of something dangerous or forbidden becomes exciting.
What makes a person cheat?
Those who have experienced an unfaithful day may relate to others in the same situation. The experiences of being cheated on have common themes. When a person cheats, it may have more to do with their internal conflict than with anything their partner is doing. It could be that they’re no longer in love with their partner, or sexually attracted to them. One person in the relationship could be evolving and growing, while the other individual could be stagnated. Both partners feel the disconnect, and the person who cheats is searching for a person who understands them, and that’s why they cheat. If you have been cheated on, it’s not your fault, and you are not alone. If you have cheated on your partner, it’s possible to break the cycle. In both instances, therapy can help mediate the problems between two people in pain and unable to communicate productively.
