How To Stop Being Passive-Aggressive With Your Partner

Many of us are probably familiar with passive-aggressive behaviors, whether because we’ve experienced them from others, done them to someone else, or both. Being passive-aggressive typically involves indirectly expressing our frustration with someone else to them, rather than telling them directly. It can be a hurtful and unproductive behavior, so if this is something that happens frequently in your relationship, you may want to explore how to address it. In this article, we’ll dive into what passive-aggressive behavior can look like and offer a few suggestions for how to stop doing this in your relationship.

What does it mean to be passive-aggressive?

Before we get to how you can stop being passive-aggressive, though, what exactly are passive-aggressive behaviors?

As defined by the Mayo Clinic, passive-aggressive behavior is “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.” Some signs of this behavior can include: 

• Having a hostile attitude 
• Frequently complaining about being jilted 
• Resisting cooperation with the other person 
• Resenting and opposing the demands/requests of others. 

To further illustrate what passive-aggressive behavior can look like, picture this: You're in the car with your partner driving home in heavy traffic. You two are already frustrated, and then you end up stuck behind a car with engine trouble, and your partner can't get around the stopped car. They're looking back to see when there's an opening, and you notice the car with engine trouble turns on its backup lights and is starting to inch backward, and they also have their hazard lights on. You tell your partner to stop creeping forward, or they'll hit the car ahead of you. You tell them the other car has its backup lights on, and your partner says, "Those aren't backup lights." You're insulted because it seems like your partner assumes you don't know what hazard lights are, and they're mad because you were backseat driving during a tense moment.

Frustrated, you both end up giving each other the cold shoulder, now barely responding when the other speaks. Instead of resolving the feelings, you both use passive aggression to get back at each other. 

How to stop being passive-aggressive 

If you’re hoping to stop being passive-aggressive with your partner, consider some of the strategies below: 

Acknowledge when you are doing it

Often a useful first step to putting passive aggression in the past (or at least using it less often) is noticing when you're doing it. In the moment, it might help to ask yourself a few questions:

• What am I feeling?
• How did I get here?
• What would I have liked to happen instead?
• What can I do now?

Asking these questions can help you identify why you're upset enough to act passive-aggressively. You may have also noticed that these questions are introspective rather than looking at who to blame. They allow you to consider what you have control over in the situation, which may make you feel at least a little bit better.

If you don't know why you're upset, you likely can’t effectively communicate with your partner. Before you engage with your partner, it may help to ask yourself why they bother you and what you can do to change that. If you can nail down why something bothers you, you can create a better discussion with the other person.

In the example given at the start of the article, it might be that you've felt like your partner had been treating you like you were dumb lately. When speaking up, you might say something like, 

"When we had the miscommunication about the hazard lights versus backup lights, it made me feel hurt because the story I'm telling myself is that you think I'm stupid."

Starting the conversation with "we" instead of "you" helps address your concerns but can make it feel less like an attack. It can also help to use the language "the story I'm telling myself," because it makes it clear what you’re feeling but also acknowledges that it might be your perception. This leads to another very important question to ask yourself.

Consider: What stories am I creating about our relationship?

Our thoughts and beliefs can have a big influence on what we notice at any given moment. Whatever you give attention to and think about, your brain will likely prioritize.

If you believe your partner thinks you're stupid, your brain may pick out even the smallest details to "prove" this belief. Even if your partner thinks you're one of the smartest people they know, if you believe otherwise, you may twist their words to fit your view.

If you feel like you've created beliefs that make a situation seem worse than it is, you may need to investigate and then change these beliefs. You can do this by shifting your belief slightly at first, and then more and more over time.

Apologize

Another key step can involve apologizing for your contribution to the situation. You can apologize for what happened during the event (backseat driving) and after (giving the cold shoulder). This may help to reduce the tension you both feel in the moment, and can open up the dialogue for a more productive discussion. Apologizing often allows us to move past our hurt and angry feelings so that we may reach a place of forgiveness. 

If you're not ready to apologize or you don't think you can be polite, you may want to take some time to yourself to process the situation. The difference between processing and passive aggression is how they're done. Someone who is being passive-aggressive often does so with revenge in mind. They may turn their back on the other person, glare, and make derogatory noises, or not respond to the other person at all. It's often intended to be hurtful.

Yet, someone who is processing might respond, "I'm not ready to talk about this right now; I'm still thinking about it. Can we talk about this tonight?" This can be helpful for a few reasons. It lets the other person know:

• you need your space
• something is still bothering you
• you're not doing it to spite them
• and you have let them know when you'll be ready to talk about it.

This can help get everyone on the same page and diffuse at least some of the tension. 

Have an open conversation with your partner

Next, when you are both ready, you can have a conversation with your partner about what has happened. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and perspective on the situation, and you can ask them to do the same. You can explain why you reacted the way you did, how you interpreted their actions, how you felt at the time, and how you plan to handle things differently in the future. 

When they share in response, be sure to practice active listening, and try to be open to what they have to say. Strong communication is often a huge part of a healthy, positive relationship, so you can use this as an opportunity to improve your communication skills with each other and identify ways you can grow together, both individually and as a couple.

Seek help through therapy

If you would like further help in addressing passive-aggressive behaviors, you and your partner can work with a licensed therapist for support. Research has shown online couples therapy to be an effective option for a range of concerns, including both relationship satisfaction and individual functioning. 

Plus, if you and your partner are experiencing conflict, you may decide that you want to take a bit of physical time apart while still working on your relationship. With online therapy through Regain, you and your partner can join the same therapy session from separate locations. 

Counselor reviews

Read below for counselor reviews from people seeking help with similar concerns:

“Working with Ralph was a great experience for me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend was apprehensive about any form of therapy, but Ralph’s approachable and non-judgmental demeanor made it easier for my boyfriend to be receptive to him. He cited a lot of techniques and had us learn and use them in our communication. What helped a lot was also the small attainable goals he helped us set that we actually achieved, which made us feel productive without feeling overwhelmed. He’s very flexible with his schedule and always checked in to see how we were doing. I would highly recommend him to any couple who could use some guidance.”