How To Find An Effective Therapist For Your Relationship

According to some studies, couples therapy has positive benefits for over 70% of couples. Therapists are trained in many aspects of communication, love, and attachment and can help individuals and couples develop the skills they seek to lead fulfilled lives with those they love. Knowing how to find an effective, professional, and positive therapist can be beneficial when searching for a provider that meets your needs.

Why do couples reach out for therapeutic support? 

Many relationships can benefit from professional guidance, for example:

• Friendships can benefit from counseling after a falling out.
• Families can benefit from therapy to disrupt destructive communication and behavior patterns that have gone on for generations.
• Couples might seek therapy if they both feel resentful and frustrated but aren't quite sure why. Infidelity, betrayal, adverse events, future concerns, or arguments are reasons a couple might seek a form of relationship counseling.

Partners can benefit from learning healthy habits before unhealthy habits develop. You do not have to have a mental health diagnosis or severe challenge to seek therapy. Many couples choose to partake in sessions to ensure vitality early on in their relationship. 

The beginning of a pattern of arguing, blaming, or other seemingly "minor" behaviors may also signal the benefit of an intervention, as many of these behaviors can be a sign of an underlying challenge like poor communication, differing attachment styles, or a misunderstanding of love languages. A therapist can help couples understand each other more profoundly while learning skills that researchers have studied to increase healthy relationship patterns. 

Steps to take when looking for an effective couples therapist 

Although therapy can be beneficial for many couples, setting up an appointment with the first provider you meet may not be effective. Creating a list of any questions, concerns, and your exact reason for seeking out a mental health professional before meeting with a counselor can be beneficial. In addition, looking for someone you and your partner feel comfortable with may allow you to feel the sessions are fair and non-judgmental. Below are a few steps you can take when seeking a provider. 

Identify your needs

Your individual needs might differ from your partner's. However, couples therapy focuses on supporting the whole relationship. Create a list of the issues you think need to be addressed with your partner. Then go through and find which challenges you both agree are priorities. You can discuss the others later on. Identifying your core needs can help you find a therapist who specializes in those needs and can meet them with you. 

Once you understand your reasons for seeking therapy, contact therapists specializing in those areas and ask them for a consultation. You can ask further questions at the consultation about their approach to therapy and why they might be a beneficial fit for you. 

Identify your "no go" and "requirements" lists

Some therapists may have backgrounds, specialties, or identities that better fit your needs. For example, some couples may prefer an LGBTQ+ or polyamorous therapist that understands their dynamic. For many couples, it can be important to find a therapist who themselves is a member of their religious, ideological, racial, ethnic, or LGBT+ community.

Before you meet with a provider, determine what you need from a therapist and why. Determine if there are any "no go" therapy modalities you don't want to partake in. For example, if you'd prefer a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) approach and the therapist only offers cognitive-behavioral therapy, you might not benefit from services with them.

Talk to family and friends

Some of your family or friends may have gone to a therapist and have a recommendation they can offer. They might also have a negative experience to give to help you avoid therapists who may offer unprofessional advice. You can also seek a primary care physician or individual counselor referral. Some couples decide to start seeing one partner's individual therapist together for couples’ therapy. 

Research your options online 

Many therapists have online websites, biographies, and therapy directory listings that can provide a window into how they practice and their areas of strength. Before you make an appointment, complete preliminary research on the therapist. Therapists may list any religious beliefs they can bring into counseling, any areas they have focused on in their practice or school, and any courses they've taken in specific areas.

Therapists should list their educational background and licensure type, such as licensed social worker (LSW), licensed marriage and family therapy (LMFT), or licensed mental health counselor (LMHC).

If you notice any information in a therapist's bio that makes you uncomfortable, it may be a good idea to move on to another candidate. Ideally, the therapist you select should seem like someone you’d get along with.

Consult your insurance

Some insurance companies have strict in-network requirements for those interested in working with a mental health professional, with co-pays and deductibles that might be required. If you have health care coverage, it may be a good idea to inquire with your insurance provider to ensure you’re aware of any out-of-pocket costs you may incur. Scheduling a session, meeting, and receiving an unexpected bill may cause conflict or distress in a relationship. In addition, note that many therapists charge a late fee or cancellation fee for clients, which is often not covered by insurance. If you do not have an insurance plan, you may benefit from free or low-cost services in your area or online couples’ therapy.

What to do if your therapist is not a match 

Even if you've gone through every step, completed your research, identified your needs, consulted your insurance, and had your first session with your therapist, you might find that the therapist you've selected is not a suitable fit for you and your partner. Not every therapeutic relationship may be a fit, and many clients change therapists as they search for a provider that meets their needs. 

While it may be awkward to cut ties with a therapist, you do not have any obligation to continue working with a therapist you do not feel comfortable with. Therapists are ethically obligated to end a therapeutic relationship if it isn't serving you, and they should be understanding of your decision. If your partnership does not work out, you're not alone. According to one survey, nearly half of respondents said they had to meet with at least two therapists before finding someone they felt comfortable working with.

You may also move on from therapy if treatment has been successful and you don't need further sessions. Depending on the modality, therapy may be intended for shorter-term help (5-8 sessions), or for the longer-term (20+ sessions). At some point, you and your partner may notice that you’ve reached the goals you set at the beginning of your therapy journey. At this point, you and your partner may decide to try your skills together without the support of a provider. Many people find that the need arises for maintenance therapy occasionally, so keeping in contact with your therapist is possible and may be valuable. 

Counseling options 

Although in-office sessions are the most common form of therapy, couples have various options. Online therapy is one popular option due to its cost-effectiveness and convenience. Studies have found that couples often prefer internet-based interventions to in-person ones due to the connection they can build with their therapist and the safety of their at-home environment. 

With online therapy, partners can meet their therapist over the phone, via video chat, or through live messaging. They can also meet from two separate locations and select a time slot that fits within their schedule, even if that time slot is outside of standard business hours. If you're interested in trying online therapy with your partner, consider signing up for a couples therapy platform like Regain, which offers a match-based system for couples to find a therapist that meets their needs within 48 hours of signing up. You can change your therapist anytime if you don't feel they're a match.