How To Build Trust In A Relationship

Updated March 11, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Trust is one essential brick in the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without it, you can't expect to build a lasting partnership successfully. Past issues that you and your partner bring from former relationships and life experiences can complicate things. You may have had your heart broken by a former love, or experienced a deep betrayal, such as infidelity. 

Building trust takes patience, commitment, and dedication from both partners. This can be a difficult, sometimes even emotionally straining process. Trust takes vulnerability, and this including leaving yourself vulnerable to the possibility of getting hurt. However, if you are seeking a healthy and long-term relationship with your partner, you will need to open yourself to this vulnerable state and take the risk. In this article, we explain why trust is an essential building block in love and help you learn how to build this crucial relationship foundation with your partner. 

Why is trust so crucial in love?

Trust is essential in a partnership because in this uncertain life we need to know that our significant other will have our backs in matters both big and small. 

When you enter a relationship with someone you love, there is typically an unspoken expectation that they have your best interests at heart. One of the foundations that insures you both are following through with this expectation is the commitment to trust

Trust, along with healthy communication, does not happen overnight. You build this rapport together when you face life’s challenges and know you can depend on your partner to support you. You also build trust when you or your partner makes a mistake, and you forgive each other to move forward together. 

Without this trust, you are unable to feel free to be your authentic self and may live under a cloud of doubt and conflict. For example, you may worry if your partner will let you down,  betray you, or wonder if you can rely on them at all.  You may not realize you feel this way, but these doubts will inevitably be present in a relationship that lacks a foundation of trust. This instability may keep you from forging the kind of deep bond that happens in a health relationship. 

What can undermine trust?

Obviously, big things like cheating, substance abuse, and lying can destroy trust. But other, smaller problems can cause cracks that eventually break the connection between two people. You may ignore these problems thinking they are not worth addressing or you may miss them altogether. 

For example, you feel like something is wrong in your relationship and you feel distant from your partner. Instead of talking to them about your concerns, you act as if all is fine despite the distance you are experiencing. While this is not necessarily a breach of trust, you are keeping important information from your partner which in turn undermines trust in your relationship. 

Being able to identify these issues and work on these problems as soon as possible is a reflection of the health of your relationship (even when doing so takes you out of your comfort zone). The best relationships push the people in them to grow and mature together.

If one or both of you are unable to reach this level of maturity in communication and openness, an invisible barrier will most likely develop. When you have trust issues in a relationship, you may automatically find yourself questioning other people's motives, including your partner. You may be suspicious or worried about letting your guard down. You may even have difficulty relaxing around your partner. The following section offers guidance in how to build trust. However, if you find these suggestions are unattainable or not enough to heal the lack of trust in your relationship, consider meeting with a couples counselor. A therapist can help you work through trust issues if you are having difficulty doing so independently.

How to build trust 

  1. Focus on the big picture

Trust is not built overnight, especially if the trust that was previously established was then broken. Prepare to work to build this mutual trust if you want the relationship to last. This requires you to have patience and not resent your partner for not immediately learning to trust you, especially if they've had difficulties like adultery or codependency in their past relationships.

Building trust takes time and dedication and it is completely normal to have setbacks and struggles along the way. Both you and your partner being committed to building trust together for the longevity of the relationship is the most important step you can take.

  1. Be Upfront When You Make Mistakes

As the adage goes, everyone makes mistakes. But taking responsibility for your mistakes and taking corrective action as soon as possible is what separates people with integrity from those without. When you are honest with your partner, instead of trying to brush off or hide your mistakes, they will gradually become comfortable with trusting you more. If you try to hide your screw-ups or lay the blame on someone else, it can undermine trust when the truth comes out, especially if you are caught in a lie.

  1. Learn Effective Communication Skills

Learning how to communicate healthily with your partner properly is one of the most vital aspects of a relationship. Too many people never learn how to effectively state their needs without criticizing or blaming the other person. Some people have such a fear of confrontation they will avoid communication altogether, which can stymy any discussion and eventually cause small problems that morph into relationship-threatening monsters.

Improving your communication with your partner involves listening to what they are saying without judgment or interruption, thinking before you respond, staying with the topic at hand, and thoughtfully communicating your side. Again, be willing to practice patience and understanding. It takes time and practice to build a lasting partnership successfully this way, especially if you are not used to healthy communication.

  1. Practice forgiving and acceptance

Many of us have held a grudge in a relationship, even if we are not aware of it. Maybe your husband forgot to call when he went out with his friends, or your girlfriend didn't do the dishes when she said she would, leaving a full sink of dirty dishes. These small issues can be irritating and, in some cases, lead to resentment especially if a pattern of disappointment continues. Are you holding a grudge? Try to remember that all people make mistakes and there is no perfect person. Seeing your partner as a flawed human being who is doing their best can help you deepen your love and understanding toward them. Also, forgiveness is healthy. Studies have shown that practicing forgiveness can have a number of health benefits, including reduced levels of hostility, depression, and anxiety and increased levels of overall life satisfaction, higher self-esteem, and reduced substance use. 

  1. Be true to your word

As mentioned previously, a central component in building trust in a relationship is integrity. When you practice integrity, you follow through with what you say you will do. Do not make promises that you know may not have the potential to keep. Even if you hope that you'll be able to see them through, that small chance still exists that you might not be able to, and these instances can add up over time to undermine your word. It's a better practice to change your wording from promises to trying your best. You know if you are unable to follow through that your partner knew you put in the effort, which is meaningful in and of itself. There is the added bonus that if you are successful, you both can celebrate a win.

  1. Don't be afraid to show your emotions

Being vulnerable and showing your emotions to your partner is a challenging but rewarding step in increasing emotional intimacy and trust. Dealing with feelings can be overwhelming, especially if you have difficulty putting your feelings into words. However, when you reveal your innermost self and allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner, you form a closer bond that is shrouded in trust and respect. It can be much easier to keep your conversations on a superficial level. But you will not be able to cultivate the richer intimacy that comes from being truly accepted even when you're vulnerable.

Men, in particular, have been traditionally socialized to hide their feelings and minimize them. Nonetheless, each person is unique with their own past that can influence how comfortable you feel to reveal your emotions. An experienced therapist can help guide you through the process of condensing your emotions into clear statements.

  1. Assume your partner has good intentions

When you have been hurt by other people or your partner (in the past), you may become suspicious when someone else wants to become more connected to use. You may not even realize that the  past painful experiences are causing these thoughts and hesitance to become more emotionally intimate. It can be hard to trust that someone loves you, faults and all, when you have never experienced this type of unconditional love before.

When you notice you are ascribing negative motives to your partner, step back, and take an objective look at the situation. Assume that your partner is trying their best unless there's real evidence to the contrary.

  1. See where your partner is coming from

Putting yourself in someone else's shoes does not mean seeing their struggles through your lens. Instead, you are thinking about what you would do if you have had their life experiences and mindset. This deep empathy can be difficult to put into practice, especially during a heated argument or an ongoing disagreement.

You may naturally assume you know what your partner is thinking, but your own negative thinking patterns could color that. Instead, try to see where your partner is coming from, using what you know about how they think and their perception of the world.

  1. Talk about your boundaries and mutually respect them

Once the relationship becomes serious, talk about your boundaries with one another. Your boundaries and those of your partner may conflict in some areas; this is normal. Working together to compromise while still maintaining the most important boundaries can help build trust.  

If your boundaries are breached at any time, have a frank discussion with your partner as soon as possible. If your partner expresses that they feel their boundaries are not respected, listen, and commit to doing better next time. 

  1. Take care of your health

You have a responsibility to take care of yourself first. Prioritizing self-care for your physical, mental, and emotional health allows you to bring your best self to the relationship and to be there for your partner when they need you. Regular exercise, a healthy diet, and appropriate sleep all contribute to your physical fitness and help you cope when stressful events arise. If you run into issues such as depression or anxiety and feel like it's having a negative impact on the relationship, don't hesitate to reach out for assistance, either to a trusted friend or a professional, such as those at Regain.us.

Seeking professional advice

However, it this trust has been broken or you are unable to establish this bond, growing a healthy relationship may seem near impossible. A couples counselor can help you mend this broken bond and guide you in healthy communication and trust-building skills. 

Many couples will have relationship issues that keep them from establishing emotional intimacy with trust at its foundation. Unfortunately, these same couples do not choose therapy because of certain barriers, such as lack of financial means, geographical limitations, and mental health stigma. Current research reports online therapy to be highly effective for couples managing relationship issues, especially those with breeches in trust. For example, a 2022 study found that couples mending a broken trust relationship stated their trust issues improved in virtual sessions and was preferred over in-person therapy. 

If you and your partner are struggling with building trust in any relationship after it was broken, reach out to a counselor that can assist you. Regain.us can match you with an experienced counselor no matter how busy your schedule with both individualized or couples counseling.

Takeaway

Trust is an essential building block in a healthy relationship. It takes patience, commitment, and dedication from both partners, along with vulnerability. If you want to build a lasting partnership, you will need to open yourself to this vulnerable state. Online couples counseling can help if you or both of you are unable to form this crucial foundation piece in your relationship. When you are ready, make an appointment to take this step forward to a healthier (and happier) partnership. 

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