How To Become Dominant In A Relationship In A Healthy Way
BDSM is an umbrella term for a relationship or activity involving various erotic practices, including bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. BDSM may occur within the entire relationship or in certain situations and practices in the bedroom or during fantasies. But what is a dom and sub? In a dom-sub relationship, one partner may often take the dominant or the submissive role. You may have a dominant girlfriend while you take the submissive part or vice versa. In some relationships, the partners may alternate these roles, asserting dominance during some activities and submission in others. This may be dependent on their preference or mood at that given time. These dominant and submissive roles are subjective to the individual relationship and entirely up to the partners who practice BDSM.
There are often many stigmas and misconceptions associated with BDSM practices and relationships, especially around dominant and submissive roles. Some individuals may find BDSM intimidating or believe that practices involving dominance and submission may be considered too aggressive or abusive to incorporate into their relationship. However, a BDSM relationship can be extremely healthy and pleasurable if the partners develop mutual trust, practice consent, and have open communication. Hence, if you want to engage in this relationship, it is important that you know BDSM safety and fundamentals. If you're curious about a BDSM relationship or are beginning to take part in one, you must practice and live out your fantasies in a healthy way that's beneficial to both you and your partner.
Healthy Dominance
Dominance is a relationship that consists of a partner having authority over the submissive and holding power and control. If you've been dating a dominant man all your life, you might want to take the lead this time. Some partners may like to assert dominance in the relationship 24/7, while others choose only to take on these roles during fantasies. Healthy dominance in a relationship is built on trust, respect, honesty, equality, communication, and consent. A BDSM relationship, and any practices, should always be consensual, regardless of who exerts dominance in the relationship. A healthy BDSM relationship will establish rules and boundaries ahead of time that both the dominant and submissive partners follow and respect. A dominant/submissive relationship revolves around mutual pleasure where one partner, the submissive, willingly submits their power and control to the dominant. Both partners in the d/s relationship should compromise on these terms and always provide and respect consent. If either partner in the relationship feels safe or comfortable in an activity, they can stop. Healthy dominant/submissive relationships always use safe words and respect when their safe word is used.
Unhealthy Dominance
Consent, or lack thereof, is what can ultimately makes a dominant relationship an unhealthy one. The power exchange between the dominant and the submissive should always be consensual in the relationship. Always set your boundaries when dating dominant men. Remember, dominance is unhealthy when there is no mutual respect or understanding between the partners involved. When there is dominance, there should always be clear boundaries and communication. If you find yourself in a BDSM relationship and are unsure if it is healthy are not, here are some red flags of unhealthy dominance to look for:
- Never consensual
- There are no rules
- Safewords or safety measures are never used
- Drugs and alcohol are involved
- There are no compromises
- No discussions of limits
- A partner does not respect "no."
- A partner feels scared
- A partner is not able to stop the action or fantasy
- No equal power exchange between dominant and submissive
- You don't feel respected in the relationship
- Dominance is used solely for control instead of pleasure
Equality
The concept of equality regarding a BDSM relationship with a dominant and submissive role is where some individuals may feel confused. When there is a dominant and a submissive in a BDSM relationship, it may seem like these partners are not equal, and the dominant partner has all the control. However, a healthy BDSM relationship should have an equal and consensual power exchange between the dominant and submissive. The submissive partner in the relationship should consensually and willingly agree to submit to the dominant partner. The submissive can, at any time, take away the authority and control of the dominant, therefore allowing them to have power and control over the situation or relationship. The submissive should never feel belittled, uncomfortable, or unsafe at any time in their relationship. They submit to the dominant by choice, which benefits and provides pleasure to both partners, ultimately making the power exchange in the relationship equal.
Aftercare
Aftercare is an important aspect of BDSM relationships, especially if you or your partner are new to these fantasies and practices. The dominant and submissive roles individuals play during BDSM play are not necessarily who they are in their everyday lives.. This allows you to ensure you understand your partner's needs and expectations and allows you to improve in your next fantasy. Aftercare discussions can be very intimate and allow both partners to be incredibly vulnerable, ultimately strengthening your bond and your relationship. During this time, you care about each other's physical and emotional needs. As a dominant, aftercare is the time to show you're grateful and appreciative for their submission and give them love, respect, and care. Aftercare may look different in every relationship, and it's important to be understanding and attentive to your partner's needs. Some common aftercare practices may include cuddling, a massage, providing a warm blanket, or bringing your partner something to drink or eat.
Only Do What You Feel Comfortable With
If you're getting into a BDSM relationship, start slow and only participate in activities you feel completely safe trying. You should never feel guilted or pressured into doing something by your partner. Be clear about what you are or are not willing to do with your partner. If you don't feel comfortable verbalizing these concerns to your partner, you may want to reevaluate getting involved in a BDSM relationship with that individual. You should always feel safe and comfortable in an intimate relationship. Suppose you are taking on the dominant role in a BDSM relationship or activity. In that case, it's incredibly important to have a clear conversation with your partner to understand what they are willing to try and what they feel comfortable with.
Sexual Health
In any intimate relationship, your sexual health is incredibly important. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about any relevant information on your sexual history before beginning a relationship. Before getting intimately involved with a new partner, it would also be beneficial to check up on your sexual health with an STI check and make sure you're both healthy and safe.
Conclusion
If you're trying to navigate your BDSM relationship or are just getting involved in these practices and fantasies, you may feel naturally confused at times. It may be helpful to reach out to a relationship therapist for professional BDSM guide and advice. ReGain is an online therapy platform specializing in relationship therapy. They can provide you and your partner with guidance and support to improve your relationship right in the comfort of your own home.
If you or a loved one ever feels unsafe in a relationship or is experiencing any abuse, it's important to get help right away. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers guidance and supports 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and it is completely free. The hotline can be reached by calling 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or by texting START to 88788.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is dominant in a relationship?
A dominant partner takes the dominating role in a BDSM relationship, while the other partner goes into submission. A dominant in a relationship may also be referred to as a dom or the top. The dominant may dominate the relationship 24/7 or choose to be dominant during BDSM role-playing and fantasies. Dominant relationships can be very healthy if each partner shows mutual respect and understanding.
What is dominant behavior?
Dominant behavior displays power and influence over individuals, a situation, or a relationship. An individual with dominant behavior will be assertive or often demanding in their relationship. They will typically be outspoken, taking the lead in situations. Someone with dominant behavior will usually have a leadership role where they provide direction. A dominant individual will usually be the one to make decisions and maintain control in a situation or relationship.
What does it mean to be submissive?
A submissive individual allows another individual to dominate them. A submissive will go into submission, obey and surrender to another individual, the dominant, letting their partner in the dominating role take the lead and have control in the relationship or situation. A submissive partner or individual in the relationship is often known as the bottom of the sub.
What are the traits of a dominant personality?
According to the DiSC model, an individual with a dominant personality typically displays common personality traits highlighted below.
- Assertive
- Direct
- Demanding
- Outspoken
- Strong-willed
- Driven
- Determined
An individual with a dominant personality typically fears being vulnerable or taken advantage of by an individual or a situation. They prefer to maintain control and authority in a relationship or situation, often have a competitive nature, and are action-oriented.
What does being dominated mean?
Being dominated essentially means being submissive to your partner, allowing them to have authority and power over you while you go into submission. You should always fully consent to submit to the dominant partner, allowing them to have control. If you don't feel comfortable with the dominant partner's submission or control, you are allowed to stop and take back the control.
What does dominance mean?
Dominance is the state of having power and control over an individual, group of individuals, a situation, or a relationship. In a BDSM relationship, one partner will typically take the dominant role, asserting dominance over the other partner who goes into submission, taking a submissive role.
What is a strong personality?
A strong personality is typically dominant to other personalities. An individual with a strong personality usually displays confidence, asserts dominance, and may have a strong sense of self. They are typically direct in communicating and enjoy having control and power, applying dominance over others or relationships. This individual may have strong opinions and beliefs that are dominant to others. A person with a strong personality often takes on a leadership role in relationships and situations. A dominant individual with a strong personality will typically not be submissive and will always stand up for what they think and believe in. They are usually memorable individuals in a group.
How do you deal with a dominant person?
A dominant person is typically the leader in a situation or relationship and will be the one to make decisions and determine the action. While this dominant person may have control in the situation or relationship, it's important to establish clear boundaries and develop mutual respect, regardless of who asserts dominance. Communication is incredibly important when dealing with a dominant person. You should be able to voice your needs to the dominant. It is essential that you feel comfortable and fully consent to any direction or demands made by the dominant person. If at any point you don't feel comfortable or agree with the actions of the dominant person, you're allowed to say no and walk away from the situation.
What does dominant in a relationship mean?
An individual who is dominant in a relationship enforces power and control over the other. This dominant partner takes the lead and has authority over the submissive. People often use the phrase "the one being in charge in the relationship" regarding the dominant partner. The other partner in the relationship will take a submissive role, giving the dominant partner power and control.
What does it mean to be dominant?
A dominant is an individual who has control or power in a relationship or situation. In a BDSM relationship, a dominant will lead, giving direction to the submissive partner. In a healthy BDSM relationship, the submissive willingly give up their control and power to the dominant. While in submission, the dominant will have authority over the submissive.
How do you deal with a dominant boyfriend?
Healthy relationships typically need trust, honesty, respect, communication, and compromise to be successful. If you have a dominant partner, you can have a very healthy relationship if you're both willing to put in the effort and accept that you may often take a submissive role while they assert dominance. Many individuals may find dominance over them exciting and find pleasure in going into submission for their dominant partner. It's important to have clear communication and establish boundaries on what you're comfortable with in any relationship, especially one with dominant and submissive roles. It's also extremely important not to allow your dominant partner to do anything you haven't consented to. There should be mutual respect and consensual power exchange within your relationship regardless if one partner is the dominant one and has more control and takes the lead in the relationship. If dominance in your relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, and a clear conversation has not improved the situation, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
What is a submission?
Submission is when you give up control and power to an individual or situation that is dominant. A submissive individual will be obedient and surrender to a higher force of control, accepting authority and dominance while in submission. Dominance submission can happen within a relationship, during everyday situations, or it can take place during intimate moments in the bedroom, or both. For submission to be healthy in a dominant/submissive relationship, the power should be given up freely to the dominant, and the submissive individual should fully consent at all times to submit to the dominant. The submissive partner can revoke their consent of dominance at any time they no longer feel comfortable.